Ex-husband Troubles

T.,
I dont mean to sound harsh when I say this, however, when reading that you dont really want him a part of your life, that bothers me. He is the father of your child, your childs father. Unless he is a threat to you or your son, cutting him from your life is not an option. If he is doing what he needs to do to help care for your son, please, be thankful. So many woman are forced to struggle with being a single mom, with no help from their ex husband / boyfriend. I understand where your feelings are right now, really, I do. Just please remember that the feelings you have are between you and your husband, not your child and his father.Unless there is something else going on that you didnt mention, I think it is important that your husband still be able to help make desicions in regards to your child. Keep things very short, but civil with your husband. Let him know that he no longer decides what you do in your life, or you with his, however, when your son is concerned, then both parents should have some sort of say so. Maybe this will help you detach yourself for wanting to help fix his problems. It sounds like he has some deep personal issues that he needs to work on, and only he can fix those. Seperation is never easy, especially when inside, you still love them. Just know that things will get better, and have faith.

Best wishes to you.

I know that this is hard, but not having your son's father in his life will have a greater negative effect that if is. Limiting his "power" so to say is ok, as long as you don't let him know that you are doing it. Tell him that every decsion that is made, will be made for the best aspect of your child. Include his thoughts on things, but if you have full-custody them the final say is yours. I'm sorry about your seperation. It's never good to seperate, but I have been divorced as well. I loved him I guess in his way he loved me. WE failed together. it took me a long time to realize that. I blamed him for everything. It took me YEARS before I realized that I was to blame as well. I am remarried to my first love, and I have two beautiful children that drive me crazy, good and bad. 8 years ago, I could've never imagine this would be my life. It took a long time to heal emotionally from my previous marriage. I still have a hard time trusting my husband because my first marriage ended so badly. We've been married 7 years! What I'm trying to say short story long, is that this will take a long time to heal, even longer because you have a son to share with him. But it will heal, a little everyday. As for your son and his father's envolvement in his life. Read a lot of books, and talk to someone, whether it be a pastor, or a proffesional counselor. And pray...When we are in our darkest hour, we always need to remember that we are God's children and his comfort, and his stength are something that he promised to us. Just talk to him, he knows how to help heal your heart, and how to ease your mind.

T.,
First I want to tell you that I am sorry that you are going through this rough time. My only advice I can give you (coming from a divorced household) is that you need to give your husband a chance to help raise your son. The faults that you mentioned all seem to be related to his personality but not once did you mention that he would cause harm to your son in any way. You have to realize that he does deserve the right to be a part of his son's life. And your son in turn deserves to know his father. Having a negative attitude and and being self involved might change as he builds a stronger bond with the baby, and you have to let time take its course. If the both of you can be around each other and act civilized there is no reason why he can't be involved. Just be thankful that he is making it easy for you and make it clear to him that the second you feel he is not being a good father then his rights will dissappear. Remember that your son will come across many different types of people in his life (negative, selfish,rude etc). It may not be as horrible as you think. I say you give it a try and if you start to see your son being affected by it then act. But for now, take it easy...The divorce is already going to be tough on the baby, taking his father away may have more long term affects than you realize. Best of Luck!

hello, i to am married to a man just like that, along with some other issues he has. been married to him for 18+yrs and 2 kids. its been the worst 18 yrs of my life. i commend you for getting out . you did the right thing. you should go to a church you feel comfortable in and talk to other women that has gone through the same thing. they can help and encourage you in the right directions. i wish i could give you more advice. i know what its like to love someone and not recive that love back. my husband is just like yours. pluse very cold and unloving and controlls everything. i have a dissabilitys which im hoping my dissability comes in in 6 months , i will know then if i qualify. and then i can leave him. i just dont want to end up homeless with my kids untile i have something to fall back on. my daughter doesnt understand why i dont throw him out. she says its know wonder why he cheats on me. becouse what ever he does i just take it. i feel i have know other choice . in august i tried to commit sucicide by taking a lot of pain pills. im still here though. most days its hard to fight the felling of wanting to take my life. i know god has a better plan for me than this. i just have to keep fighting the depression and pain . and not give up. good luck and god bless. smiles

T. as far as your husband having the ability to reach out and help you heal your wounds, its very hard for him because in his mind he has done so much damage he doesn't really feel worthy of you. Not to mention he really don't know how to reach out to you. He was never really taught affection in his home. I think sometimes in life we miss understand marriage. Marriage is about bringing the missing parts. If my husband is not affectionate and I am, then I need to show him how to be, by being affectionate to him. If my daddy was missing in my life growing up then I need to understand what it is that I am missing and try to help him understand what it is that I may need. Not by screeming at the top of my lungs telling him. The bible says a soft answer turns away wrath. When I met my husband he did not know how to apologize. I was like, Oh My God what is this, later I found out that no one ever said they was sorry to him , conseqently he couldn't give what he didn't have.. Honey what ever we do it's learn behavior, What ever we don't do it's learned behavior. I started out by saying I'm sorry even when I wasn't wrong, As a result the man learned some manners. Now he apologize all the time I had to realize there was a part that I needed to bring. Actually T. there were many parts I needed to bring to the marriage. T. I said all of that, to say this, I believe you and your husband still love each other you both just need to grow up. What you need is counsling. However if you are ready to give up on love. You must let the man maintain a relationship with his son, because the child will resent you. Let me tell you something , the man is the one that determines gender, from his loins he came,he'll always crave to be where he came from. Don't keep that child from him. He will always be daddy no matter what to him. T. you do well to never bad mouth his daddy to him. Just because the two of you didn't make it, don't mean the two of them can't make it. You never know why God call children forth even in bad situations. Many times to bring about healing. You love on that baby, but allow him the same a opportunity.

God bless you honey
your Mamasource sister

Hey T....

I don't reply much to these but I just wanted to share really how I felt on your situation.. I understand that you are emotionally attached to this man, which of course why shouldn't you be you married him.. But at some point specially involving a child, you have to somehow learn to seperate the two.. As regards to him seeing his son and respecting and understanding FULL CUSTODY(b/c let me tell you we mothers STAY with our babies)I would allow it.. He will always be your sons father and should help with situtions involving him and his whereabouts.. Unless at any point you feel physically scared of him then thats another story.. You will soon detach yourself from him and start a new life of your own with your son..

Basically what i'm saying with all my rambling (sorry) is that try and keep it as cordial as can be.. Understand that you really have full control of this situation and he respects that.. You don't want your son to miss out on his father just because his parents split..

I wish you the best through this..

Hi, T....most of the advice you've been getting is similar, and I have to agree. There will come a time in your life when you'll be glad that you and your ex-husband are still a team when it comes to parenting your child. Your son really needs him. And of course he feels like he should have some say...he's the father. Don't put your child in a situation where dad feels like he has to go to court to exercise parental rights. Even if you win, your son loses a little bit because y'all are fighting. Eventhough you aren't married anymore, you should still seek out some family counseling. Believe it or not, many family therapists work with divorced family. This will give you a chance to vent what frustrates you about his personality, and maybe help your heart to heal as well.

went through this myself and I am sorry... you need to go through the courts cause if he wanted to he could take the baby and leave and not come back and there is nothing really that you could do cause he is the father. And yes, he does still have say in the things you chose to do concerning the child. I can not leave palm beach county because of my childs father. Full custody means the child lives with you with him having visitation and let me just tell you that if he ask for non supervised or overnight unless you can prove him unfit or whatever he will get the visitation. good luck

Its was nice to hear that mamasource isn't just about the kids per say. Here is a situation that might help you. I got together with a man and became pregnant pretty fast. I found out he lied about alot of things, like that he wasn't separated from his wife, instead he was just living in my town while he got his business going (she lived out of state). I found that out when she made a surprise trip to see him. Anyways, he left back to his hometown and I found out I was pregnant after he had already left. I told him he was expecting a child from me and he decided he would leave her because he didn't love her and wanted to raise his son. I accepted. I loved him and forgave him but soon found out he only pretended to love me so he can be with his son. We decided to continue to live together and it was rough cuz I still loved him and he was just living his life, meeting other women. I moved out on my own and starting dating and he continued to be at my house alot so he could be around his son, it was as if he almost lived with me. We tried to get along and then I lost my job. I eventually had to move back in with him till I got situated and to tell you the truth, I still love him but since I know he is no good I stay strong and continue to date and he does the same. I guess my point is, he isn't a very good influence in part because he is a big fat liar, he used to be a professional baseball player so he doesn't think school is as important as playing professional baseball and while he is still in a relationship with his wife (long distance) he continues getting together with other women. My suggestion is be a stronger influence on your child since you are the one with him the most. I feel daddy's need to be with their child as much as moms so don't take that away. If I see my son's dad do something I don't agree with in front of my son or with my son, I immediately say something and make him realize why its wrong and make him see the outcome of what his son can and will become by his actions. Just keep talking to your child about good things and positivity. He will learn that as long as you are teaching him. Moms have the biggest influence on a child, especially a boy.

T., dont get discouraged! Life is never easy when you go from having your own to once again sharing life with the family that you left. I am almost in your position. Its great that you have control over what you want to happen with your son. Congradulations! There are so many controlling guys out there! If he quit loving you and admitted that to you, that means to me that he wasnt afraid of hurting you, and he didnt want to make it work. So why are you worried about him? He definitely didnt consider you, so why consider him? Stop! Do what you need to for you and yours, and give him what you feel is best and thats all! I know it is so hard to quit loving someone that you are so attached to, but honey, in your case you should. It is ok to move on ans let go of the things that are not good for us emotionally. If he doesnt deserve to be cut out of your sons life, then do supervised visitation to where you dont have to be there but someone else can keep an eye on the situation. Dont be afraid to use the power he has given you girl! Thats your advantage! Keep your head up and play it YOUR way!

Hi T.,
If this is truly how you feel, you need an excellent lawyer. One who will be sure to disallow anything in your divorce decree on where you can live while your son is under the age of 18, especially if you remarry. The reason I say this is because I have a friend in Palm Beach County who cannot move out of the county until her last child graduates high school and turns 18 because it specifically states this in her divorce decree. Additionally, she re-married a few years back, and when her new husband had to change jobs (for too many reasons to list here), she was not allowed *by the Florida Supreme Court* to move outside of Palm Beach County, because that is where her ex lives. Even if she had children with her new husband and he had to move for work purposes, she was not allowed to leave Palm Beach County.

Hang in there, T.. Better days will come. In the meantime, find the best (best as in, most aggressive) lawyer you can find.

A.

Hi , T. ...
First of all , I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I know it's not easy , because my mother and dad were divorced and as a child I witnessed and felt the hardship it brings.
* BUT * .... I am a firm believer that if people marry for the wrong reasons and/or they're not good for each other , they shouldn't stay married.

You say you still love him and you need time to heal ... that's okay ! And in my opinion , while you are taking your time to heal , you should think about all these negative characteristics you've seen in him recently. Sometimes it takes quite a while to see those bad qualities a person has ; it may have been devastating to learn this about him later , possibly at a worse time. ( Trust me , there could have been a worse time )So this could have been a blessing in disguise.

You're young and so is your son. You can and you should move on. I don't believe in unrequited love ... I mean , I know it happens , but I don't think one can *really* love a person who doesn't love them back. Maybe what you are mourning right now is the person you wanted him to be , and the fact that you found out he's not. It hurts , but it's bearable when you accept that you made a mistake and trust God will bring you a much better match next time. :0) He did it for me !

As for your ex wanting to have a say in the decisions , that may always be something you have to deal with. From what I'm hearing it seems like right now you're just not ready to make him a part of your decision making when it was him who decided he didn't want to be IN your life... so maybe just sit him down and tell him that you need some space from him so that you can process everything ; that you want to compromise on things ( they can't just be one way or another ) for the welfare of your son , but that it's been a major change for you and that you need time to adjust. I bet if you do take the time , you'll be better able to negotiate with him in the future ... but do yourself a favor and do not pine away over him. If he doesn't love you , there is someone out there who will love you , and love you for real. :0)

Good luck and God bless your efforts and healing.
~ A.