Comparing Myself to Others

There is a great blog called Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid!

Whether your daughter "measures up" to society's standards (popularity and straight A's) or not is not an issue. The issue is how to treat her and honor her differences and how she is unique. Celebrate the things she DOES do well, and if there is nothing in particular she is "into," then start taking some park district camps to see what she might be into and talented at- does she love animals? Volunteer at a zoo/vet/shelter/petting zoo. Does she love to bake? Maybe take a cake decorating class or a workshop at Whole Foods, etc.

FWIW, I have a special needs daughter and it's hard to not compare, but then I walk down the hall at school and see her (mainstream) class's art on the walls and there is my daughter's art- head and shoulders above the rest of the class! I see my daughter read novels that she can barely lift!!

Sometimes it's the unspoken things! That popularity and straight A's can only get them so far. Having a good heart and working hard are much more important, if you ask me.

Hugs,
M.

What helps me keep things in perspective is the knowledge that everyone, no matter how "perfect" things might look like on the outside, has different challenges. So when I feel myself thinking that it would be nice if I or my kids could be doing such-and-such like so-and-so, I remind myself that they are probably going through struggles I don't see that might be more stressful than mine. It's so easy to second-guess yourself and think that other people have their lives so much more 'together' but all that does is drain the energy out of us.

A woman speaking in a video series my church women's group studied last year put it well: she had us picture a hypothetical situation where a single woman, dressed in neat business attire and driving a cute sporty car, is at a stop light next to a mom in a minivan with the kids in the back. She said something like, in the minivan, the mom is thinking wistfully about how the single woman looks so stylish, her hair and clothes and makeup are so perfect and her car is spotless, she doesn't have to tell her kids to stop fighting in back, and here I am in a t shirt and sweatpants with my kids quarreling and spilling milk in our messy van. But what she doesn't know is that in the sports car, the single woman is thinking wistfully about how the mom probably has a loving husband and family and here *she* is, with her shoes making her feet hurt, wishing she could wear something comfy and casual, and wondering if she'll ever find the right person to settle down with and have a family because she already feels "old" and most of her friends have already married.

I bet you would not trade your daughter for "Susie". Remember that: )
Also, get her involved in activities outside of school. My girls are involved in drama and boy has that helped shape their personalities and made them much more outgoing than I think they would be otherwise. My 12 year old's best friends are actually from her drama school and are not in our school district.
If she wants to do a school activity how about yearbook or the newspaper?

You say that these women are great friends and are supportive of you and your concerns. Are you sure about that? Is it possible that they are "friendly" with you to feel superior in some way? There are such things as "frenemies" even among adult women.

If it were me I would not discuss my child and her struggles AT ALL with these people, other than minimal details. In my experience people like your friends are more interested in using you as a backdrop for their own kids (through whom they live vicariously which is kind of sick imho).

I could be way off base - it's just a thought.

Also, from personal experience I can tell you that the kids for whom everything does NOT come easily - many times these are the kids who have the most "heart" and it serves them very well later in life.

Good luck.

I may have a unique perspective. My oldest son is like your friend's girls. My second son(17 mos younger) is like your daughter. When your child accomplishes so much and is so good at everything, you DO feel a lot of pride. I try very hard not to brag. I am proud, but his athleticism, grades, etc speak for themselves. However, I am equally proud of my second son. He isn't the star athlete or get the grades his brother does-although he is very smart. But, he is absolutely a joy and has so much to offer the world. He will hit his own stride and be amazing in what he chooses to do. My heartbreak is that things don't come as easy to him as they do his brother. I can't imagine being _____'s younger brother. I ask him about it and he says it doesn't really bother him. It also bugs me that success often is tied in with the mainstream popular activities like sports and popularity. I'm not going to be able to change that in my lifetime or theirs. But, there are some other things you might consider:

To the outside person, my oldest may seem to have it all. But, they don't know about the intense pressure he puts on himself to please coaches/teachers and the social pressures he feels already. It's going to be a life-long struggle for him. People expect a lot out of him. His dad and I don't put that on him, he does it himself. THis may be happening with your friend's girls. They may not talk about that. You aren't in their home - there may be struggles they have that you wouldn't want for your daughter.

Also, very soon these kids will start to even out. The advanced kids and the more average kids will merge more. What's more, is that your daughter may find something that she is passionate about that has nothing to do with what these girls are doing. Music, art, writing, etc. That is something to be very proud of. She hasn't blossomed yet, but is still trying to figure it all out. I know you know all of this. It's hard when I see the boys in my second son's grade breaking out and leaving him in their dust. These were boys he was once very good friends with. They just aren't interested in the same things, now. They would rather hang out and play catch with his older brother. Ugh.

You know your daughter is special. Your friends are just as proud and that's what moms do - we talk about our kids. If they are supportive of you in every way, you may have to just keep smiling and bear it. Talk about the book series your daughter just loves. Or, how she did the dishes without being asked. These are accomplishments!!!! As far as getting her into stuff, keep offering different things and maybe one will stick for her. I wish you luck!

You just need to remember that the other mother does not tell you that Susie comes home with a bad attitude. I doubt that you hear anything about the trials Susie has. Sometimes it just takes different children longer to find something to excel in. My son does not have a real big circle of friends and he will not even try out for any sports teams but he is the sweetest, kindest kid that I have. He still calls me mommy! This year he started into high school and chose to join a radio class and he loves it!! I listened once to his show and he has a great radio voice and I think he found his niche. It has taken him forever to grow up but he is finally on his way. Just smile and look for the many outstanding things your daughter does along the way! She has hidden talents that will surprise you!

Comparing kids is a surefire set up for heartache and failure. I'm sure there are things YOUR daughter excels at that her friends do not. Maybe she is a great, positive, supportive friend? Maybe she's a natural artistic soul? You can't fit kids into a cookie-cutter mold. and you shouldn't look at it that way. Your daughter will only pick up on the fact that she's not "good enough." It sickens me when parents brag about their child's achievements anyway and it really makes me question their own character!

Your daughter has her own qualities that make her as good or better than your friend's "talented" daughters. Concentrate on those and when your friends mention a success of their daughters, rattle off one of your own. 'You should read the story my daughter wrote last week, she is so creative' or whatever her skill is.

We try too hard to slot our children into success categories and then wonder why they have poor self images. A child that never plays in sports and gets poor grades is still an incredible person that will most likely go on to be an amazing adult (think Albert Einstein). Some of us just don't fit into the mold that society tries to create for us.

In this day and age so many get caught up in athletic success that things that truly matter go by the wayside. Sit down and make a list of the things both you and your daughter are good at and what makes you proud. I think you'll be surprised and how talented and loving you both are. Someone who is as sympathetic to your daughter's needs definitely has great qualities, so look inside yourself and bring them to the surface.

The other thing you need to do once you've enlightened yourself is to listen more closely to conversations with these particular friends to find a subtle way to insert your daughter's accomplishment into the conversation so as it flows and doesn't sound like you're saying, "me too, me too!!"

If for some reason you really can't find something to share consider encouraging her to volunteer at an animal shelter, retirement center, or even some other altruistic organization where she can make a difference. That would open her eyes to more opportunities and help her to feel as though she belongs. She may even make new friends.

Some things come so easily for certain people and other people have to give extra effort. Just keep congratulating them on their successes, but keep in mind that you usually don't hear the whole story and maybe their child did have to struggle to get their desired results. Just keep praising your child and be delighted when she achieves her desired results, they will come somewhere down the road. Best to you and your child.

I believe that all kids have something they are good at! And some kids are just not good at team stuff, like sports etc. Look at what your daughter enjoys, reading? computers? music? dance? art? Take something she enjoys and try to find places and groups that do the same. Therefore, she will feel part of a group and create a bigger social circle for herself with kids that enjoy to do the same things she does. :)

I encounter this situation too and it's tough. My daughter's too young to really know yet if she'll make "the team" or not but I have a couple of "friends" with gifted daughters. There are not old friends though. I think it's rude of them to tell you much about their daughters when they know their daughters are excelling more at the moment than yours. I believe in "knowing your audience". I don't talk about something expensive we're buying to a friend who has no money... I don't talk about how wonderful my husband is to a single, dying to get married girlfriend or one with a jerk of a husband etc. If I were your friend with the talented daughter, I'd mainly talk about her screw-ups to you. But you only have a few choices - just listen with a smile and remind yourself you don't know how things will turn out in the long run. All that matters is your daughter grows up and is happy. Their daughters may go to Ivy League schools but marry the wrong guys and not be so happy. Who knows. You could distance yourself from them some but you say they're great friends. You could try to avoid talking about the kids but not sure if that's possible. Or if they're really great, long-term friends, tell them how you feel. They should understand. Before you do anything, ask yourself if you think they almost enjoy being superior or if they're just clueless. Good luck. I know it's tough. I spent a lot of time at a party w/ a "friend" this weekend who has to point out her daughter's fabulousness all the time and afterwards I thought how that's not like being w/ a friend at all...

Realize that every child is different and if you want to remain friends with these ladies, you will need to accept that they talk about their children just as you talk about yours.

Your daughter will come into her own so stop stressing.

Is your daughter friends with them. If so maybe you could ask "Susie" to work with your daughter to get her to the point where she will make the team she is trying out for.

Your daughter is beautiful. I am 30 and have 2 daughters. When I was "coming up", I didnt have a large group of freinds becasue i was the type who could see cliques and just not want to deal with all that comes with it. . I would ask my child how she feels about the kids in her class in a very casual but direct way.

have you considered having her try out for teams that are outside of school? They usually will create teams so that all kids interested can be involved. As for your friend, just think of all the money and time you are saving to put towards other family activities by not having to buy all of those team uniforms!

I feel sure that "susie" has shortcomings...we all do!

You know, I think it is time to get really positive about your daughter. She is SMART, BEAUTIFUL AND YOURS! Brag away sister. Don't talk about the things she hasn't done. Focus on what she HAS done! Does she enjoy your company?

Do you go get your nails done together? Do you go paint pottery together? Do you go walking/running etc. together? Focus on what she does and your relationship. Don't worry about the braggarts...they are everywhere!

I think this is more about you than your daughter. Don't make it about her not having enough friends and fitting in. We sometimes relive our childhood hurts through our kids, even when they are ok.
Did you feel like things came easily to others & not you as a kid?

I agree with Elaine C, you never know what's really going on with someone else. So be happy with your life & look around at the gifts you have:)

I did not read through everyone's answers, so I apologize if this is redundant...I have a beautiful, very independent daughter, who is smart and talented, but also has a very small social circle and hasn't always made things she has tried out for. One thing I suggest is to find out what she'd like to do...music? art? athletics? And instead of having her try out, find lessons or a team where there is no try out, so she can get experience and be involved. And be proud of whatever she does...don't compare her to others. Others successes may not be important to her, as it may not be something she even cares about, ya know? And maybe she's happy just being who she is!!! :) One thing that my kids like is my husband or I always try to coach or help out. Good luck...it is a very tough thing...as adults, I think we get very caught up in comparing ourselves to others and wanting more (I do it all the time...that's when I start to feel bad about myself and wonder what I could do differently) It's better NOT to compare and decide that how things are in YOUR life are ok for YOU! Good luck! I hope your daughter finds something she enjoys to do and can be proud of...I know you will be proud of her no matter what!!!