Advise on Cooperative Parenting

C.,

This seems to be a common thread with children of divorce. My parents split when I was sill a baby and my mother wasn't really in my life until I was an adult with children of my own.

The best advice I can give is to stay consistent within your house, and have at least one place where the kids know what is expected of them. It will be hard, especially if her house is disney land. Try to stay totally neutral when speaking of her, so that your kids don't feel like they have to defend her at all. Inevitably they will try the "but my mom let's me do that". The best response is to let them know that your house is not hers, and that they have responsibilities at your house.

If they choose to go live with her let them, but make sure they know that they can come back home whenever they want.

Hope this helps,
M.

2 moms found this helpful

I would explain to here that you are all happy that she is in the lives of her children again (even if it's not the case it can take away some of her defensiveness) and explain to her that you all want what is best for the children. The best thing any family can do for children is to set boundaries that are enforced. Children need boundaries to feel safe and tell her that you have gone a long way towards implementing and being consistent with your boundaries. Perhaps you and your husband can put together a list of rules and expected behaviors that you have with your children. Then look at and see what are must have rules/behaviors and keep those. Of course there's wiggle room in any of this but this list may be a good starting point for her. Since she doesn't know her kids that well and hasn't parented them for most of their lives a little map to help guide her may be appreciated. There are some great parenting resources out there and I would recommend Parenting with Love and Logic. They have a great website www.loveandlogic.com. In the school districts I"ve worked in many teachers and parents use this resource when building boundaries with their kids. I know they also have local Love and Logic parent trainings which may be useful for you and your husband to attend with the children's bio mom.

Good luck!
E.

C.:
I think there are a lot of Moms out there that struggle with the same situation. My oldest son (6 yrs old), is my step-son, but I've been his Mom since he turned 3. His bio Mom took off when he was one month old and my husband was the one who took care of him. She appeared back in his life right about my husband & I met. She is the unstable type - you never know what she will do or say. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to make things work...or any guarantee that any agreement will stick. We tried setting consistent rules in the beginning but gave up after finding that she would never enforce them. Nothing...she even let him watch rated R movies that scared him for months. We are the boring house as well, but what we offer is so much more - consistency, stability, etc. It depends on the Judge you end up getting, but most of them lean toward the parent that can offer those things.

You might try a book that a family counselor referred to us, it's called "Joint Custody with a Jerk". Even though the focus is joint custody, it really does focus on how to "share" your child with the another parent. It offers advice on how to work with them.

Another unfortunate thing on some level is that the courts want both parents to be involved with the child - unless you can prove their behavior/actions would seriously harm them (this is very hard). I have to say that the Judges we've dealt with haven't cared that she took off and left him - we always get the comment "but she's here now". Ugh. Also be careful that your children don't see how you feel toward the bio Mom. If you keep things positive and stay supportive - it will really help you in the long term.

When my son's bio Mom is picking him up or if we have to talk for some reason, I'm always friendly and positive. I do grind my teeth a lot though. When it comes down to it, I know I'm his Mom and I have to be the responsible adult since she can't be.

Best of luck!

Surprisingly enough, I am in pretty much the same situation. I am the stay-at-home mom of my two step-kids (10 and 5) and their mom has always been in the picture some what, but never really as a mother role. However she takes them overnight on school nights, and yes her house is always the fun one with no rules. With both kids now being in school we felt that it is more of a disruption to their schooling and behavior. She however is not fighting for more custody with them, she is just fighting to keep them overnight on a school night.

One thing that I have done with her (or you could do it on your own) is read a book called "Stepwives" by Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn. This is a great book that helped us out tremendously, Unfortunately it only lasted for us a fre months due to her immaturity. But maybe it could help you permanently. It talks about how to both be mothers to the children without stepping on the other toes, and how to compromise on rules and that sort of thing.

Good Luck! and I feel your pain!

You are in a situation that requires a lot of patience. The best thing you can do for the children is to explain to them that when they are on your turf the rules are your rules, when they are with the other parent, her rules are her rules. As much as you might like a balanced sitation, it may take a while, especially if this person has not parented for some time. She will figure out that "Disneyland" parenting is going to knock her to the ground eventually, but in the meantime you can bet she is working to win over the children. I wouldn't worry too much about this flip/flop situation for now. I was in a similar situation with visitation. Our children would come home with reentry problems and be simply beastly. Without negativity toward the non-custodial parent, I approached the children to take responsibility for changing their attitued and for getting back into the swing of things in our household. It is the same for school, so my reasoning was the same for visiting the free-for-all parent and coming home to the structure parent. It's all a part of life. Neither of my children wanted to "live forever" with the free-for-all parent, by the way, and years later still comment about how hard it was to never really know where the boundaries were during these visits.
I know how hard this must be for you, but it will work out for you and the other parent. Hang in there and don't give up your ground. The children may say your household is "boring", but they really do not mean this and will soon figure this out for themselves.
My Best to you.
J. S

okay, my best advice may not be possible. I truly encourage you to welcome the bio-mum as much as possible. Ask her out for coffee, find out what her interests are. Try to become her friend, even if its a business friendship.

I was a step mum for 4 years. Even though the marriage unfortunately ended, I am still great friends with bio-mum and it was invaluable when I was step mum to her daughter. Even when we disagreed.

You might try going with a legal route. And get a parenting plan that requires certain things in place for her to be able to have visitation rights.

Remind the children that the "boring" stuff is what is necessary to teach them to grow into successful adults and it is your job as parents to teach them that. It wouldn't be very kind and loving of you if you didn't raise them to learn about the real world. Even if they are not at your home, try to impress upon them how important it is to keep up on their studies. You can say,"It's nice though, that you can get a break to go play at their mom's, but don't hurt yourself by forgeting to study. Talk to the mom about making sure they do their homework on those nights or the visitations may be taken away. ???

Trying to make her use your rules will only cause more friction. You only have control over them when they are in your house.
Be consistent with them and let them know why you have certain rules. They will come to abide by them even around her.
Later on they will appreciate your structure and resent her for the lack of!
It's hard to let go - but they need to learn some things on their own!

From what I've read and heard you are just not going to win on this if you try to insist that she parent the same way you and your husband do. You just can't make her. Stick to the rules that you can enforce in your house. The kids will learn (they probably already know) that there are different rules and standards in the different households. If you don't try to control what you cannot control, but keep consistency in your own house things should settle down over time.

Hi C.!

Get a mediator immediately and I suggest that the mother be court ordered to take parenting class. She has no boundaries in her "disneyland" life. All kids need structor in their life. If the kids had it their way, they'd be in disneyland every day of their life until they decide to grow up.

Also, when it comes to step children, you may need to take a step back when it comes to your husband and her talking with one another regarding the kids (if she's a resonable person). Or mature for that matter. I'm the step mother here and have taken a back seat and let the father and biological mother converse with one another. I find it better that way. He takes charge and is very responsible for his boys anyway. My advice to you is to continue to stand at your hubby's side, and just be there for him.

C.

If we lived in a perfect world all could be wonderful BUT we don't. Word up what you seek will never happen unless she has a total life change.

Sorry to be harsh, but I am a divorcee, having remarried raised 1 Step-son, and visited with my Step=daughter. Am now a Grandparent raising 3 Grandchildren, 13,11,7. Life is still out of balance, it's all about them, the insignificant parental figures. Who loved, and still love to do anything to keep the kids stirred up. Stirred up with disatisfaction with the rules and structures in our house this from the adult children who are visiting this upon their own children.

Don't change anything at your house, consistancey, committment and love will win in their future. If it doesn't it's because the child will decided to follow the other parents wrong choices. Prayers are that you have made enough difference in their lives that the concequences will remind them that your were right.

After awhile turmoil, fun, fun, broken promises get boring after while and they see it for what it is. They choose to see them because it upset's you but when they are older they will show you who spoke the most love into their lives by their actions. At adolescences it's all a power trip of minipulation theirs and their mothers.

We have been thru years of custody battles, lies & promises from the others to the children involved, unrest in the children. I retained my children, my Step-son is in constant touch, and we retained my Grandchildren. One day they will all see why and maybe understand!

God Bless and keep You
C.