Advice... Married to a Lawyer??

I think your association with him being an attorney and possibly a crappy partner is misplaced. Personalities usually determine what the person chooses to do for a living, not the other way around. It is highly unlikely he is the way he is because "law school made him that way". I know tons of attorneys VERY personally, and none of them have a "grandiose view of self". =)

Where are you getting your stats for this super high divorce rate for attorneys?

What I have found is that most attorneys I know tend to be smarter than the average person. That makes them difficult to argue with because they are usually right. In all seriousness, though, he just seems to have a difficult personality. He would still be difficult if he were an engineer or a teacher. But, given his drive, he chose law. You need to decide whether you can be married to someone with his personality, not his career choice.

ETA: To answer the question you added later, to keep things healthy, you do what any "normal" couple does. Make sure to make time for the two of you, go on dates, be romantic, be considerate, go to marriage counseling, keep healthy relationships outside of the marriage (friends, family, etc). All of those healthy habits make a healthy marriage, but it has to be done by BOTH parties. Is he willing?

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I married my husband before he went to law school and it didn't change him, it just enhanced some the skills he already had.

My favorite response in an argument (which thankfully serious ones are rare) is "You know you are wrong and I am right, but you know how to argue better, so I am not debating with you anymore". That usually gets a grin out of him and we move on.

The hardest part of being married to an attorney for me has been the long hours, but now that is getting better too.

Good luck.

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I am not now, nor have I ever been married to a lawyer, HOWEVER, I am married to a cop. The part where you talked about feeling as if you'd been cross-examined after an argument/discussion, that really struck a cord with me. I absolutely at times have felt like he's questioning me as though I'm a suspect in a case & it pisses me off every single time. I also call him out on it & immediately end the conversation the instant I feel like that for several reasons. The first is that I'm not a criminal, I'm your wife. The second is that in this house we are equals in every sense of the term which means you are not trying to "figure me out" or make me slip up in how I respond to you, we are having a conversation. As I go back & read that I realize it sounds unhealthy, but after 15 years together we've found it's the best thing that works for us.

I'm not going to lie & say there aren't a couple of really crappy issues that crop up repeatedly, but it's honestly just part of the job & if you love him, you love him. Your guy doesn't sound like my type based on the mental picture I have of him from your description. He sounds a little too full of himself for that to work for me, but you know, that's the beauty of everyone being different is that you go out there & find the right guy for you!

ETA--I went & read your other responses & I'm going to agree with every word the mama who's married to the federal agent & respectfully disagree with the few mama's who said whatever his traits are were absolutely already there before he became a lawyer & are only going to get worse. I can say with absolutely 100% certainty that my husband never once questioned anything until after he had been "on the job" for several years. This particular job has changed him in ways that I'm sure will never change back. His is distrustful of people now where he didn't used to be. The work he does taught him that is the safest way to be to protect both himself, but also his family.

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What I am hearing in your description is a very successful man, but not an open or kind hearted man.

That is a pretty serious lack of balance in an individual. The qualities he exhibits now, will only and always intensify in a marriage.

I am married to a very successful professional. One who travels extensively, and even when at home is out several nights a week with recruitment dinner and professional obligations. Many of those I attend with him.

The qualities that make him successful are not what you list above. He is driven yes, but he has impeccable work standards and works hard and works daily. And he has a gynormous heart for others, for those less fortunate, for those who are fortunate but have dire medical situations. He loves his children with all his heart, he honors his parents, he is kind and considerate and thoughtful in his dealings with his both subordinates and high ups equally.

Do we but heads - yes - over things like laundry and do we have to spend that much time with in-laws. Did we have times in the beginning where we debated issues and he always won? Yes, but I stopped engaging in his over analytical nature, and decided it was more important to get along then to be right. So I can gingerly say I don't agree and move on. And my hubs is OK with me not aligning myself with his every opinion. For instance, he votes Democratic, I vote Republican. Politics are clearly viewed differently between us. But it does not affect the quality of our relationship.

You are describing something worrisome to me. I would grow resentful over time with a man who sounds grandiose in his self views and therefore self importance. But you might admire this quality more than me. I am not in your emotional shoes. I knew I needed a man and a mate who was emotionally available. If I wanted to have arguements in my life, I'd join a debate team.

GL!

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My brother is an attorney. He is no different than anyone else who works hard. If you are needy you are going to be unhappy. If you can stand on your own two feet you will be fine.

My brother is actually funnier than me so not sure why you think they are less emotional. Emotion has a time and place, I can turn it off just as easily as my brother, I am an accountant, it has no place in my work as well. That is work, at home I am different so is my brother.

I know a fair few attorneys, shocking I know, they are all married to their first wife sans my brother. He got married right out of undergrad, huge mistake had nothing to do with law. He and his wife have been married for 18 years. I think she is a saint but mostly because he was a liberal. :p

Thing is if there is something about the relationship that is causing this searching you need to look at that. Personality tends to drive career not the other way around. You need to look at what is bothering you not what he does for a living.

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I am not married to an attorney but I am married to a federal ageant and I know EXACTLY how you feel!! We have had some knock down, drag out fights because sometimes he can't turn off his interrogation mode and will start breaking down things I say and splitting hairs ("Well, two seconds ago you said you left at 5, but now you're saying you left at 515, where were you really? ect...).

As far as specific attorney attitudes, I don't have any advice, but in our case, I just have to remind him I am not a subject in one of his investigations and that I have never given him a reason to treat me as such. Sometimes he gets a big head about his paycheck and the fact that I stay at home with our soon to be 4 kids and I have to bring him down a peg or two. Sometimes he is really jaded about people in general and when he brings it home, his attitude makes the family suffer and I have to call him out on it. Usually, he gets defensive about his behavior first and then calms down, apologizes, and things work out better for a while, until the next time! LOL!

All you can really do is make him aware of his behavior and how it makes you feel and hope he 'gets' it. Give him that chance and talk to him about it. If he doesn't, other measures will have to be taken.

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Wow...you just described him very well....all of which would raise red flags for me. Stop daydreaming about the future...I wouldn't go any further than dating...don't get your daughter way involved. His personality describes someone you have been married to for 10 years. At least he's not hiding it. Almost sounds like you are complaining and want a divorce.

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Well....my friend is married to a (female) attorney. She is very laid back. I'm sure she works hard.

Keep in mind that someone's "core" personality doesn't really change after marriage. Make sure your eyes are WIDE open on this one!

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Attorney or not, men (or women, for that matter) usually reveal their basic personality patterns before we marry them. I learned this the hard way with my first husband, who showed me some pretty unpleasant traits even while he was still in "courting" mode, so I should have been forwarned but was too "crazy in love." My mistake.

If your honey has already strained your relationship with his less-than-lovely tendencies, you can almost be certain that he'll be doing more of the same after the first blush wears off your marriage. It would be foolish to expect otherwise. So decide before you get in any deeper whether you are willing to live with the blessings AND burdens of living with this, or any, man.

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Because he is an attorney and you say that he almost never shuts that down about him, well that's who he is.

Try to remember that every relationship is different and if there is love and understanding, everything will be fine.

I think you should just keep dating him and don't rush into marriage yet.

Enjoy your life and where you are at, at this time.

Merry Christmas.

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I'm married to an attorney. He's a very laid back guy usually I can't even tell when he is stressed. The long work days are really the only issue we have that is attorney related although he is really good at winning arguments! Really our only major problem is his mother but thats has nothing to do with being an attorney!

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I'm a former lawyer married to a litigator. My husband, fortunately, does not have the "lawyer traits" you mentioned and none of those are really an issue in our relationship. Having two kids who are very active in extra curriculars makes the long hours and travel the most difficult part of being married to a lawyer. My husband travels a lot, he has been platinum on Delta airlines for 4 out of the last 5 years. The year he missed platinum he was gold. He just returned from spending an entire month in CA. I left full time work when our second child was born in part because of his schedule. I did all of the daycare drop off and pick up, all of the sick days, doctor appointments, etc. It just got to be too much with a toddler with asthma and a newborn who wouldn't take a bottle. My husband can be a bit of a workaholic and is always worried about not billing enough hours, not developing enough new clients, etc. I am definitely the primary parent, caretaker, chaffeur, etc. to our kids. My husband has missed numerous sporting events and band concerts, etc. In his defense and to his credit, when he is around he is very involved with the kids. He has somehow managed to successfully coach several baseball teams and serve as a manager to numerous hockey teams. He is not very involved or familiar with their daily schedules, their medical issues, etc., but he is very much the "fun dad" and takes them to sports events, wrestles with them, watches TV with them, etc. We get some pretty good family vacations out of the frequent flyer miles and hotel points. If you intend to have more children the long hours required is something you might want to keep in mind. My cutting back on my career, which I didn't mind, is what has allowed us to still have a good family life and carve out time for each other. It's been difficult and infrequent lately, but we are usually pretty good about having a date night once a month or so. If my husband does pull some lawyer tactics on me during a discussion or argument I just throw it back at him since I am a former litigator too. We've been married 17 1/2 years so it's worked so far! The long hours and travel are rough when I have conflicts with the kids' schedules, but I also appreciate and have gotten used to my alone time. I told him I don't know what I'm going to do when he retires! He always turns on bad TV as an escape when he's home. Find a job outside the home for myself?

FYI, I've actually worked in big law firms in both Chicago and Minneapolis. The litigation scene is a little more intense and less friendly in Chicago than it is in Minneapolis although my husband works for a pretty intense firm with offices all over the country. There are very few female partners in his firm and most of the partners, whether male or female, if married, have spouses who either don't work outside the home, work part time or have very flexible schedules.

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I tend to think this has less to do with being a lawyer and more to do with his general personality. I am married to an attorney and we've been together for 17 years. Sometimes he's stressed out, but has good coping skills of his own, so this rarely lasts long in our lives or leads to problems in our relationship. I'd pay attention to these "narcissistic and grandiose" parts of him and ask yourself if you think these aspects will be something that you can accept in him forever in all different kinds of situations in your lives. I have many friends who are married to lawyers and I find that the ones who have problems are mostly due to the spouse's personality issues and lack of coping skills. Good luck figuring it all out!

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It sounds like you should take things slowly and possibly seek couples counciling if this is something you would like to persue ... for both of you

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The traits you describe are not necessarily 'lawyer' traits. Perhaps they are just more easily noticed because of 'lawyer mode.' You have good advice here; take it. Things that bother you now will not magically go away once you are married. In fact, they may become even more prominent and difficult. Think long and carefully over this one.

J.

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