I know this sounds shallow, but I need to know what you think...
A male friend of mine (he's American) that I met 26 years ago (at college, lets call him 'Ivan') just emailed me and said he and his family (wife and 2 young kids) will be visiting from overseas - touring around the states, and one of their stops will be about an hour from where I live and that both of our families should get together and meet up. He mentioned this in an email today, and I agreed and gave him my phone number to contact me once he gets to town.
The problem is - I haven't seen him for over 20 years - he has not met my kids (I am divorced) - and I haven't met his wife or his kids. He is a 'big shot' with a career that lets just say is very important/prestigious. He likes to 'show off' this importance in emails during various times of the year - about how important his job is, who he gets to meet and so on. He is extremely knowledgable and intelligent and you feel like you cannot compete with this. I know lots of guys like to show off, to boost their own ego - but I find it really annoying because I almost feel it as a put down to me. I am and have been a stay at home mom and have been unable to find work, and have basically given up searching at the moment. My friend 'Ivan' has led a fascinating life all over the globe, and even though I have traveled all over the world (prior to kids) I feel that my lack of not having a career as he and his wife have, is looked down upon (something you can just feel, over the phone/emails).
Ivan's wife is a skinny (size 0) south east asian woman (he's american). I have put on 60 pounds since we last saw one another and I feel insecure about my size no doubt - a skinny person trapped in a fat body ! I have struggled to lose this weight for so long and am sick of having to wear the longest shirts I can find to cover up my stomach which appears 9 months preggo (which doesn't seem to help). Anyways, I want to meet his family since it has been over 20 years - yet I know I will feel awkward for a number of reasons (the way I look, the feeling of 'not meeting up' to his level of worldly expertise and my lack of career, and his new wife probably thinking 'ha I am skinnier than you !). I don't know what to do here - I told him in an email 'sure we can meet that would be great' its in 17 days - I don't know what you think - how would you even act after all this time ?? I don't want to feel fat, even though I do - would that be a reason not to see someone that was an old friend of yours ?
I guess feeling like your life hasn't amounted up to the same level as someone that you once knew, doesn't make you feel too good. I know people often feel this at their high school reunions, I never have gone to one - but have heard that its always still just like the 'old days in high school' where people are trying to be one up on another, 'I have the higher paying job, the better car, the better looking spouse, the bigger diamond ring,' etc.
Well any advice on how to maneuver this situation while appearing confident in my skin ?!?
Hi, stop worrying. This person sounds very insecure about himself. Anyone who boasts about their life being exciting and "having a lot of money" doesn't sound like they're happy.
For him to ask to meet with you and your family sounds interesting. Sounds like he liked you because you were an adventurous person, were pleasant, and overall a good person to be with. If you see that the meeting doesn't have a good start, excuse yourself with the kids and leave early. On the other hand, if you're all getting on well, use it to your advantage. Maybe he could recommend you for a job opening somewhere. A position or something. Keep your relations open. You never know when a good opportunity may come knocking at your door. If I may, just don't start feeling sorry for yourself, or be sore about your ex hubby or your situation at the moment. Things change. Keep a positive attitude about life, your family and friends.
I hope things go well, and let us know how things turned out.
That's a toughie Rainbow. If it were me (and I'm hopeless with keeping in touch with friends), I'd save myself the torture and make up an excuse not to meet up. I'm just not that interested in people from 20 years ago, and it wouldn't be worth the blow to my self-esteem. But that's just me :-)
OK... if this person makes you feel this way, why do you keep in touch via email? How was that contact even made? I completely agree with Janie if the situation is as you say.
Some people just can't help themselves when it comes to tooting their own horn. It's annoying, but it truly is a sign of insecurity in their own skin because it's the material things that matter. Personally, I don't have room in my life for he materialistic people. I USED to be married to one... Thank goodness I then met my now husband and father of my kids.
I would just skip it... I don't think your children need to be exposed to this type of example. In their eyes, Mom is great and they don't need to see you squirm.
I find your final question interesting. The best way to appear confident in your own skin is to actually BE confident in your own skin. It is clear that you don't, so you are not going to appear that way until you embrace who you are. Right now. Not who you hope to be someday, maybe. Not who you thought you would be. Not skinnier, richer, more 'worldly'. You.
Your weight/employment status/financial situation/etc. do not make you who you are. You are still the same person he liked and befriended all those years ago. You are who you are, and obvioulsy he thinks you are pretty awesome if he wants to meet up again and have his family meet your and yours.
I think it is interesting that Jodi D. says...'if this person makes you feel this way'. I'm not so sure about that. I think you just feel less than cofident in yourself right now, and the thought of meeting up with him has brought this insecurity to the surface, not that 'he' made you feel that way.
Your post makes assumptions about him and his wife that may be unfair to them. Just because she is skinny, doesn't mean she is a nasty person that judges others based on their size, or gloats that she is skinnier than they. (Are you unfairly judging her based on her size?) Just because he has financial/career success doesn't mean that he looks down on those that don't. He may admire the fact that you chose to stay at home for your kids, and empathize with your rough time finding a job now in this lousy economy. You seem to be assuming the worst of your friend.
This is a decision you have to make, but please don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. You say you want to see him again and meet his family, so do it. Go, be you. That is more than enough!
if you have kept in touch regularly for 20yrs, and know all about his career/family, then surely he knows about yours. if he is as intelligent, etc., as you say, then he should be aware of the economy and how hard it is to find a job. i wouldn't be worried about not being able to find a job. i have quite a few high placed career people in my family and i can assure you, i feel nothing but happy and prideful that i am able to stay home and raise my children. i have found that many people look at ME with envy because of this. maybe his wife would rather stay home with the kids, or maybe the kids would rather have one of their parents at home with them instead of gone all day to work. (nothing wrong with working parents, they have it harder than i do :)). go to a store and buy yourself a nice new outfit if you can and make sure it flatters your finer points. she may be skinnier than you, but you probably have better boobs :), play them up. cut out one thing you eat everyday (like a soda or something) and then walk in your backyard for 30-60mins. you'll lose some weight in the 17days. every woman i think would be a little self conscious after 20 years. i look better than i did in highschool, but worse than i did in college. i'm self conscious when i meet people, but i'm not going to show them that i am. go, and have fun.
Just toot your own horn:) You have some great things going for you. You have great kids that you are spending time raising. You live in the greatest nation in the world. You are healthy. That counts for something, doesn't it? I have a friend who is like yours, exactly. We've been "distant" friends for 27 years. Quite honestly, I find her boring, so I limit my contact with her. I too don't have time for people who are too self-centered and materialistic. There are so many other important and valuable things in life besides looks, weight, and money.
i am smiling at one response saying HE is insecure because he has to brag all the time, and another saying YOU are insecure because your life isn't what you wish it was at this point and you are self conscious. look, it is what it is. you have committed at this point, so my advice to you is present your best self, and prepare to nod and smile a lot because he sounds like the kind of person who will be spending the whole evening talking about HIMSELF, and just grin and bear it. but i am like you - i don't do hs reunions for the same reasons. i have no need to feel less than worthy and lacking. i felt that way plenty in hs. sure, in a perfect world we would all be self assured and confidant in our own lives, never having made a mistake we regret or bad choices, or gained that extra weight. but many of us did...and no, i don't think we necessarily are supposed to be proud of those things..."being comfortable with who you are" is one thing...but this guy in a couple hours isn't going to see the real YOU, he's going to see the outward trappings. i can totally understand your apprehension. it would depend on how good a friend he is. it sounds like more of an acquaintance...to me it sounds like meeting him is kind of along the lines of adding all your hs classmates to facebook, just because of "back in the day". i deleted lots off mine when i realized, we weren't really friends...just people who knew each other once. and i didn't really like the people some of them had become. hang in there, if you can't get out of it just grin and bear it, and i'm sure you'll do fine. are you really going to let this get you down when this guy probably will never see you again?
Just visit wiith him and catch up. The drama from just reading the email. I think you need to stop being insecure about yourself and stop worrying about what others think also stop judging him. Just drop all that stuff meet someone you havent seen in 20 years and talk about 20 years ago and ask the wife about theri life. Then go home. Obvioiusly he considers you a friend.
Go and have fun. You are the one and only you and you cannot be replaced. You are smart, special, fun and a great mom. This higher paying job, big house, fat boat stuff is not who will be talking and visiting you will and your families will. Who cares if he wears camel haired boots and weighs fifty pounds less than his wife? The point is he is being friendly and fun and wants to see YOu. And these are just our emotions. Not always reality. I have a hunch your self esteem doesn't match how beautiful you are. For just a couple of hours go have fun. And you have seventeen days to plan something to wear. Something comfy that has color that make you feel alive. Don't worry. Life is short. Enjoy.By the way I am going to see some guy I haven't seen in thirty years for coffee. And I plan to follow my own advice.
Sounds to me like you really don't like this person anyway. From your post I get the idea that he likes to brag and treats other as if they are inferior. If that is how you feel when you are with this person then in my opinion it is time to end the relationship and not go - You should be friends with people you feel good around, not people that make you feel fat or less than.
I think that you need to evaluate how you really feel about this person. If you find that you really want to see him then go and hold your head high. So what if his wife is skinny that does not make her better than you, maby she is a b$@# or there is something else not very appealing about her. So what if he travels, you have chosen to stay home and raise your beautiful kids. You have different values and joys than this person and you should feel proud of who you are. I am sure when it really comes down to it you would not trade your life for his.
If you decide to go and just can't get over the fat feeling - you can always try a pair spanxs!
People that have to constantly brag about how great they are doing are usually lacking in another department. Maybe his home life is not all the bed of roses it seems to be. Maybe his wife isn't as perfect as she seems to be to you. Maybe all of the traveling isn't what it's cracked up to be for him. The grass sometimes seems greener, but is not always the case.
As far as how you feel... It's time to go shopping. You need a new outfit that is going to make you look good and feel good. There are plenty of overweight woman that dress good and look good. It doesn't matter if your skinny or overwieght, the way you present yourself speaks for itself. When you look good, you feel good, inside and out!
If you are happy being a mom and doing whatever you do, you need to present that as such. When he and his wife start talking about their travels tell them that you remember your travel days, and they were great, but that you couldn't be happier being where you are right now, spending time with your kids. The two of you must have been pretty good friends to have stayed in contact. He must really like you to have kept in contact with you for the past 20 years. He is busy running around the world and still sends you emails and knows where you live? Sounds like he may have feelings for you, that you are unaware of. Looks only take you so far...maybe you have more to offer than you are giving yourself credit for. You must hold a special place in his heart or he wouldn't be trying so hard to see you after 20 years. Have fun and be yourself, that's what he wants to be around. :)
This isn't going to come out right - I'm sorry - you are getting in your own way - does that sense?
You are letting things that should not bother you, bother you...WHO CARES what you look like?! HE WANTS TO SEE YOU!!! You've been keeping in touch via e-mail...it was a choice you made....stop beating yourself up...look at what you have and what you've accomplished...
Go out and find an outfit that compliments your body now. And go with a GREAT attitude!! You are meeting new people!!! Who fun is that?
When I went to my 25 year reunion it was NOTHING like what you are describing - none of my classmates were bragging about their life - they were ENJOYING IT!!! With age, comes maturity...
To be honest - you sound depressed....stuck in a rut and really down on yourself...instead of beating yourself up over things you don't have - think of all the blessings you DO HAVE!!! If he starts bragging about what he does, who he's met, etc....just smile and say "that's great!" Don't hold his successes against him....can he tone it down? Probably - but he probably doesn't know how....so instead of trying to change him - just get on the roller coaster - raise your hands and go YIPPEE!!!!!!
I'm always glad to hear about any old friend doing well.
He wants family to meet family - this is not a keeping up with the Jones-es thing.
Are you happy with your kids and your life?
If you are, who the heck cares what he thinks or how skinny his wife is?
Someone is always doing better than me, but someone is always doing worse, too.
If you're not living in the street you are doing something right.
Just go in with a light and airy attitude - you are happy with what ever good has come his way and you are content with your lot in life and you'll all have a good time.
I am always ok w/meeting up w/obnoxious people and their familes, esp the skinny executive wives, b/c chances are my kid is more well behaved than their kid.
And you and I both know there is nothing more embarrassing than being good looking, skinny, dressed nice, having a good hair day, oozing beautiful jewelry, smelling expensive, showing off all the letters after your name and telling tales about your many travels overseas, but your kid is the worst behaved kid at the table.
I had to laugh at your question, because I too had the same kind of situation. I was good friends with this guy from high school. He is a musician, and often times is quite a little eccentric, but was always nice to me. Well, 15 years later, he contacted me that his band would be coming to my area, and would I like to see him. We both are now married, with kids, and I thought it would be great to see him again. At first, I too was insecure about it. I was very skinny in high school, and have certainly packed on the pounds since then, along with a "baby" belly. But, I rose above my insecurities, because he did contact me, and thought enough of me after all these years to invite me to a show. I brought along my sister in laws as they both love going to shows, and we all had a great time. I have seen him and his band twice since then, and we hope to get together with our families in the near future.
Their is always an underlining of situations when a person is very vocal about their "riches", and everything seems perfect for them. I don't believe for a minute that it is the actual truth. People like that are not happy, and very insecure. He contacted you, and probably remembers you as a good person. I don't think it makes a bit of difference on how you look. Be yourself, set an example, and be proud of yourself and your life.
Would I go? Yes, in fact I did last year. My best friend and I met up with someone who was actually an old boyfriend of mine. Even though he is well built and I put on weight, he leads this exciting life being a dance instructor, has been on TV, yadda yadda. I guess I don't really care what someone else is up to, and you shouldn't either. No matter how sucessful, rich, beautiful people are they have their problems just like everyone else.
I was really impressed how you ever so humbly laid your feelings on the line. However, it's time to make some personal changes in YOU to make yourself feel better. I know you don't exactly feel like you have many reasons to, but you really do! You sound like a great person that just wants to be accepted by your old "friend"! This reunion wouldn't be an issue if you liked the way you looked and had a decent job, etc. Just because this guy likes to hear himself brag about where he is, who he is, what he has, blah, blah... Screams, I AM INSECURE! Don't feel like you have to go down the same path, just be who you are and he can take it or leave it! My sister just lost 40 pounds that she "couldn't" lose, you can to...with lots of effort.
Tell yourself that you will have the best time, and then do.
Meet his wife and make her your new best friend (for the evening).
Tell him how fascinating his life is and how you are so happy being a SAHM you couldn't think of doing anything else but being there for your kids at this time.
It's one evening.
THen when you get home you can talk about him to all your true girlfriends who really care about you.