I have a 4 and a half year old son who is from a previous relationship. I am now, married to a wonderful man who has been my son's father since day one. My ex and I broke it off while I was pregnant because I was putting myself and my unborn baby in a bad situation. I moved home only to go into pre-term labor three days later. My son was born a month later premature but he through all his problems, made it through like a trooper. I took him home 6 and a half weeks later. I did inform my ex know that he was born and the troubles we were facing. At that time his father and I fought so much, I told him that he didn't have to be involved if he decided not to. After a year, he decided he wanted to visit. I allowed this, but after he went home, things got worse again. (He lives out of state.) He made many demands such as my changing my son's first name, which he had already had for over a year. He wanted half a year's custody of my son in order to pay child support. Among various other ridiculous requests. After some time, I decided that it was in our best interests to ignore him. This decision was very difficult and I didn't make it so easily. It just seemed like he'd keep pushing us away untill he was "free" of us. He used to send a birthday present and a Christmas present for my son. I let my son have the gifts because I didn't think it was fair for me not to. After a few years, my ex stopped. It has now been over a year since he has had any communications. My husband would like to legally adopt my son, seeing how he sees him as his own "biological son". And now I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Did I, unrightfully keep my son from my ex? Was I right to do so? How old should my son be when I can explain all of this to him? Will he rebel from me and run off to find my ex? I'm so scared. Everyday that passes by, I worry. My ex also told me in the past that he was going to take my son from the hospital and I would never see him again. This, of course did not happen, but it makes me worry that he has the capability to do such a thing at any time in my son's life. I know I shouldn't worry so much, but it's hard not to. Has anyone delt with such a senario? Any advice? I'm open to anything. Thanks.
Hi
My brother and his wife have been in the same situation. My niece who is now 12 hardly saw her "real" father. My brother has been a part of her life since she was a year old. When she was 4 he legally adopted her. She knows who her biological father is, but her dad is "her dad". She is a well adjusted beautiful girl. Your ex however does have legal rights to his son. Is your ex listed on the birth certificate or in any way been acknowleged as the birth father? If so he may legally be able to take your son if no custody has been established. You really need to contact an attorney that handles adoptions and get more info. At that time you can find out what you need in order to have your husband adopt your son. My niece's biological father had to sign off his rights as a parent. Hope this helps.
MAGDALYN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I'M A 29YO MOTHER OF TWO BOYS,3 & 6. SINGLE NO LESS. I MYSELF AM JUST LIKE YOUR SON. I WAS RAISED WITH THE SAME SITUATION. I AM CURIOUS ABOUT MY DAD BUT HAVE HAD PLENTY OF CHANCES TO VISIT AND KINDLE A RELATIONSHIP. HE IS JUST LIKE YOUR EX. THE BEST THING MY MOTHER DID WAS LET ME FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN THAT HE WAS NO-GOOD. THROUGHOUT MY LIFE I SAW HIM WHEN HE WANTED TO COME IN AND GO FROM THE PICTURE, WHICH WAS NOT OFTEN. MY 'DAD' THE MAN WHO RAISED ME SINCE I WAS 2 IS MY HEART AND SOUL. WHETHER YOU EXPLAIN IT OR NOT, YOUR SON WILL KNOW WHO THE FATHER REALLY IS AND THAT IS YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR EX, FROM WHAT YOU TELL ME, IS IRRATIONAL AND OUT OF HIS MIND. HE PROBABLY FEELS GUILTY AND REGRETFUL OF HIS ACTIONS AND ABSENTNESS THAT HE'S ACTING OUT. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. I AM SO SERIOUS. FOR 2 REASONS, IF YOU REALLY WANT 'DAD' TO ADOPT, YOU'RE GONNA NEED PROOF FOR THE COURTS THAT HE'S INSANE AND NOT SERIOUS ABOUT SEEING HIM ON A REGULAR BASIS AND THREATENS YOU THAT YOU'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN, AND THE OTHER REASON IS BECAUSE SOMEDAY YOUR SON IS GONNA ASK WHAT HAPPENED AND THE NOTES WILL EXPLAIN YOUR REASONS BETTER THAN YOU CAN. BUT NO I DON'T THINK A CHILD IS READY TO OPEN UP FOR DISCUSSION UNLESS HE ASKED AND IS REALLY SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS. THAT'S WHAT MY MOM DID. AND SHE ALWAYS HAD A CONTACT NUMBER IN CASE I WANTED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT TOO. YOU SHOULD HEAR HIM STUDDER WHEN I ASKED HIM WHY HE KEPT WALKING OUT OF MY LIFE. I DREW MY CONCLUSION AND MY LIFE IS FINE WITHOUT HIM. HOPE I COULD HELP. YOU CAN EMAIL ME IF YOU WANT TO CHAT MORE ABOUT THIS. [email protected].
HEATHER
Hello,
I say u go 4 the addoption. U couldnt keep that little boy from his father if he didnt let u. There are plenty of ways he could of seen him if he truly wanted 2! And my daughter is 5, she knows nothing about her biological father! I have 2 other daughters and their dad is in all aspects my oldests father! We split up 2 years ago and he still treats her just as his own! I think when shes ready (when ever that will be) she'll be grateful to the man who WANTED to be her dad not the one who walked away! Good luck and congrats on your REAL Man!
Reading your story was like reading something I could have written myself. My son is 6, my daughter is 3 months. My husband is in the process of adopting my son (daughter is already his). My son's biological father was such a loser, only seeing him every few months or so. And he lives less than a mile away!! Then about 2 years ago, the visits and calls just stopped. In some way it was a huge relief. It turns out he now has a girlfriend who has no idea about our son. Anyway, the point is, since it has been 2 years since he has made any attempt to contact his son, we do not need his consent for the adoption. In the eyes of the court he has abandoned his child for over and year, and we can do the adoption virtually without him. He will be served, and if he wants to fight, he has to prove that he has the right to contest. Basically we win no matter what.
There is a small voice in the back of my mind that will always wonder if I am doing the right thing. But when I think back a few years and remember how when they had a relationship with each other it was like an emotional roller coaster for my son. His father would promise to take him, then never show. He would go for months without any contact, and my son would start to forget about him, then he would pop up again. In my heart I know this is what is best for my son.
My son is 6 and we have not explained anything to him. He knows my husband as his dad, and doesn't ask anymore about his other dad. When the time is right hopefully I'll know.
Get a good lawyer. Stay on top of the lawyer. Mine was/is very slow. I wish you the best of luck, and from what you said, agree that adoption would be the best thing, especially if your daughter is your husband's biological child. Feel free to message me with any questions.
I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Men have a tendancy to be pricks sometimes when things don't go there way. My best friend as a matter of fact just went through the samething your going through now. And her husband just adopted her daughter. I think that if your husband wants to adopt your child, I say go for it.At least he'll be well taken care of and loved, and this man won't be popping in and out of his life whenever he wants. your son needs stability and by the sounds of it your husband and you are trying to give that to him. When he's old enough to understand like 5 maybe six yrs old then I would tell him whats going on. Unless he understands things before then which is great. That is when my best friend told her daughter and she's fine wiht everything. She knows who her"father " is the man who helped mommy "make" her if you will. But she also knows who loves her and cares for her and who will do anything for her and who will keep her ot of harms way. If you explain all of this to your son when you feel he can comprehend it I think he will be just fine. And if the ex comes back then I would get a restraining order if need be take him to court for support and visitation.go through the legal motions that way he can't get you in trouble at all. If a man can't get what he wants he'll fight trust me I know. good luck with everything and I hope I helped.
For the longest time I've thought I was the only one going through this. I am a mother of one. I have a four year old daughter. Her biological father wrote us off from day one. He was the type of guy that just slept around and could really pull one over your eyes...and he did. I later found out he already had 2 kids and another one on the way along with me being pregnant. At the beginning I did everything I possibly could to try to get him involved in the child we were about to have. I had dreams and goals in life. I wanted to go to college (I was only 19 at the time) I wanted to find a husband then get married then have my kids. I had every thing all mapped out until I met him. Then my life turned upside down. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me or my daughter. So I finally gave up trying. I had my daughter in July and he finally appeared in our lives when she was about 3 or 4 months old. He would come over maybe once a month for about all of 5 to 10 minutes. My daughter is the SPITTING image of him but he wanted a DNA test. He told me he wouldn't pay a dime or do a thing until I had proof it was his. But I refused because I don't feel I need to "prove" anything and taking responsibility for a child you helped created shouldn't mean having to have documentation. I told him to man up or get walking because I don't need him. I have a wonderful family who have all been very supportive and I don't need anyone in my daughters life that doesn't want to be a part of her. Eventually he stopped coming by all together. Then I ran into him one day and he couldn't get over my daughter, you could see it written all over his face and I told him don't even bother it's been too long. So we made the agreement that if I never bother him for child support he'll never walk into her life until she seeks him (if she ever decides to).
I've now moved on myself. I am engaged to a wonderful man who had willing excepted my daughter as his own and fully intends on adopting my daughter. I sent a notice to my daughters biological father informing him that this was going to happend and he must be ok with him because I didn't hear boo from him. I don't feel guily one bit about keeping my daughter away from her biological father because he could have never provided a good life for her. She wouldn't have been taught any good values or morals and I feel it would have negativly affected her life in the long run. I'm terrified about the future. I worry she's going to hate me or want to find her real dad. I often find myself crying about it because it does hurt to worry about the future. But I stand strong about my choices and now that they were made in the best interest of her.
I think that if your child has the chance to have a father that wants nothing but the best for him and will be there for him no matter what happens in life and doesn't make demands/threats against you then you should allow him to adopt him. You should do what is best for your child. I feel every child needs a male and female role model in his/her life but it doesn't necessarily need to be the ones that created him/her.
I hope that helps a little...
I went through pretty close to the same ordeal with my ex-husband and i do i agree it is very hard to know which way to turn in this situation. Your best bet is to try to go ahead with the adoption because it sounds like your husband is a much better father to your child than your ex is. as for how old your son should be when you explain it all..well that personally..I don't know because with both of my kids they have seen and know for themselves what their fathers are like and they have made their own decisions. Good luck with this!
First of all your ex is playing mind games with you. I don't know what your past was like with him but I bet he did the same thing when you were together. You might want to consult an attorney who specializes in this scenerio. If your new husband wants to adopt him it might require your ex's signature. It's hard to do but its better not to say anything to your ex and just refer him to your attorney. If money is an issue try to find an attorney that will do pro bono work. Some attorney's handle cases for free or very little fee to give back to the community. Stay very strong and be very careful about your ex coming around. If you feel threatened let the police know and perhaps look into a restraining order. You are going to have to be one step ahead of him. Lots of work but I am confident you and your new husband have the strength to hold out. Vicky
ETA: I just want to apologize if my post seemed rather blunt. I didn't intend for the post to sound as if I believe you've wrongfully kept your son away from his dad... I just didn't have enough details to assume that he's been a total deadbeat. I've been lucky that most of the fathers I know have been good fathers, even if they're not with their children's mothers, so I have a tendency to give Dads the benefit of the doubt without knowing the dad's side too. I do think you're a great mom, which is evident in your post and how much you care about having the best father possible for your son. I hope you got my private message as well.
Explain to your son when he's old enough to ask. Answer with only as much detail as he'd be able to understand at whatever age he's at. He does need to know that his father loves him.
[edited]
Now that you're married, and your husband wants to adopt your son, that's great. Imagine how special your son will feel when he's older to be told that his Daddy CHOSE to have him for a son and loved him enough to adopt him officially.
I still think that Bio-Dad aka Sperm Donor should still have one more chance to set things straight. There's a slight chance that he'll try to make things right. If you find him, I hope he doesn't give you any problems either way.
What will you do if he doesn't agree to give up his rights to allow your husband to adopt him?
I believe that every child is different, meaning their needs and what works for that particular child. Some children when given proper love, attention, guidance and support have been proven to thrive and succeed even with an absent parent. From what you are saying your sons father may have been more of a hurt to your son then a help and thats what really matters. Even if years from now he decides that he wants to find his dad as long as he has been given proper support he will surely find his way.
i would say form the sounds of it youhavent gone into much detail about what the problem was with your ex but it seems serious so of course you made the right decision as far as your son goes...i know exactly where you are coming from because for me i was the child in that situation...i have thanked my for nothing more for allowing me to have a stable male figure in my life & raise me properly...your son will thank you...maybe not in the beginning bc hes young but he will understand...i would not explain things until he strats asking questions...but your son will respect the decision you made...try not to worry even though we all no thats pretty much impossible with children...take care
Hey Magdalyn,
Have you contacted a lawyer about what your rights are? I was sort of in a similar situation with my daughter 15 years ago. I didn't realize that I was pregnant until after we had broken up. Although this man wasn't a deadbeat, he did offer to marry me, I didn't feel it was the right thing to do. You shouldn't marry for the sake of a child and then bring that child into a loveless situation. Anyway, He offered to pay child support and did until she was 3 1/2. Then he started making demands regarding being able to take her across the state line to his home and to spend more than a Saturday with her. He filed suit against me for the above and after contacting a lawyer, I realized that if he did in fact take her across the state line, he did not have to bring her back, since his name was listed on her birth certificate. When my daughter was 2 1/2, I met a man and we fell in love, but the catch to that was he lived in NJ. After going back and forth with the attorney's, it was finally settled that the "father" had not been paying sufficient child support to begin with and that he would have to pay multiple thousands of dollars in back support and up his current support for any of this "extra time" to take place. My situation changed dramatically when the man from NJ asked me to marry him and offered to adopt my daughter. I went back to the "father" and explained this to him, that everyone looks at the "best interest of the child" and it would not be in her best interest to fight me on this. Needless to say, he signed the papers relinquishing his rights to her. As I stated earlier, she is now 15, and I sort of told her things about 3 years ago, when she questioned me about it. I also told her that when she was old enough, if she wanted to "meet" him and his current family, I would do what I could to help her. The only stipulation was that she could not do this out of anger towards myself or her dad. So far things have worked out great. But again, I would advise you to seek the advice of legal councel. Sorry this kinda went on and on....but in your situation there are no "quick-fixes".
I hope this helps.
Karen
I am in a similar situation with my daughter's father. As far as I see it, if your son's father wanted to be in his son's life, he would do whatever it takes (sanely) to be there for him. Wouldn't you????? It's probably better off for your son that he isn't around. Think about leaving the relationship between your son and your ex up to your son, when the time comes. If your current husband is a good father figure and sincerely cares for your son, then I don't think that you should have any type of bad feelings regarding that. Hang in there, take one day at a time.
Good luck!
You are doing the right thing by giving your son the presents that his father did send. I grew up not knowing my dad because my mom left him when i was about 8 months old. I didnt meet him until last year. I was happy to meet him adn finally hear both sides of the story. If your husband wants to legally adopt him I think that he should Just be honest with your son. You will know when its the right time to tell him. He might run off and rebel but if you give him the option of helping him to find his dad then things might turn out differently. I was given the option but i was too afraid to take it. My fiancee did the honors and called my dad and i am happy to talk to him everyday. Things are different now and as much as I worried that he might come and take me or that he would reject me he didnt he welcomed me with open arms. ( my mom told me that he might reject me or try to take me when i was little). My dad actually gave up during the custody suit because as aparent of the 80's he knew a single dad was unheard of. He didnt think he would get granted it so he left it all to my mom. He felt that it was unfair to me to keep pulling me back and forth over visitation. I can understand it now that im older. Dont worry. Things ill turn out fine. Just have faith that you raise your son the right way to make decisions that are good. You will do fine and no permant damage will come of it. Have you tried to cocntact your ex about seeing your son? i know you might not get along but for the sake of your son at least you can tell him when he gets older you tried to make an effort. No in my eyes being that child that your son is ( even though i didnt get adopted when i was little) you are not "unrightfully"keeping him from his father. you never form what you have dsaid kept him form him. Unless I misunderstood. well thats all good luck.
I understand how you feel. I feel that you should not worry about how your son is going to feel about his father. I as a mother of 3, I tell my children the truth and only the truth. If my child decides to fine out about thier father let them. They will fine out the truth. You can't prevent them to fine out the truth. If is was ment to fine out they will fine out. Your husband is willing to Adopt your son, so be it. Because the way your son is going to see is that your husband was their for him then his only father. I let the Lord and the Lady take hands over to figure out how destiny is going to play on the meeting of your son and his father. If your son decides to hate him or not thats your son's decisson. You are not a bad mother you are doing what is best for your child and no one can't tell you what to do. So do what your instinct tell you. Blessed Be.
You should not feel guilty at all. A father has rights and if he gave a cramp he could of done anything to be part of his sons life no matter what probelms you and he had. However, your current husband adopting your son might be a probelm. I believe your ex has to be notified of this attempt to adopt. I am not to sure how that works. Did your ex give up all rights?
This is your son and you are looking out for what is best for him. I am sure when he is older, he will realize this. Wishing much luck with this situation.
I was reading your dilema and my Dad legally adopted me when I was 5. I know that I felt as if there were choices that I had no say in and it wasn't right. I know now that my mom just did what she thought was best. My bio-father didn't want the responsibility of a child, but my dad did. Let me tell you it was a very BUMPY road to say the least. I am the only one of five children with a different dad. So, It was rough. There were a lot of mean things said to me by my siblings when we would fight. When I was older and my dad and I fought he said a thing or two that wasn't nice about the situation. My B-father had two children with an ex-wife that I just found this past June, they are 18 and 20. I know now that he would have just disappointed me but I always felt that that was my right to find out. And if my dad truely loved me then he would have taken care of me anyway and been there. I am a grown woman married with two little girls. My dad past away from cancer 6 years ago and my B-father committed suicide a month before my dad died. I have so many unanswered questions that can never be answered because I was never given the chance to ask them. But I really do understand that my mom felt that was best for me. It took years of therapy and acting out on my part. A lot of anger issues that I still sometimes have to work through. You always feel like a part of you is missing. Just make sure he is loved and feels it. Not with monitary things, that won't help. Maybe talking to a therapist or psycologist can help you figure out what is right for you. Just know that it may not be a walk in the park. Good luck. He is your son and you know what is best for him.
HI. I was adopted when I was 1 by my Dad. My bio-father decided to get my Mom pregnant and run. When I was 8 my parents divorced, and my Mom moved us in with this other man, whom she is now married to. The decision to have my Dad adopt me has always gone well with me, but not my Mom for obvious reasons. I love him as if he was my biological father, as far as I am concerned he is. I have no desire to find my real biological father, well not in the traditional sense. I would love to get a medical history for him to fill in some gaps, and to keep me and my babies safe medically, but thats it. I have no bad feeling to my Mom for never attempting to make him a part of my life, afterall if he did not care about me, why should I bother with him?
My adoptive father has always loved me as his own and never once said anything contradicting even when angry. My step father on the other hand has said many mean things to me. My mother tried to force me to call him Dad and to accept him, and she prevented me from seeing my adoptive father after their divorce, to this day I harbor some hatred to her for it.
In the end, whatever you decide to do, don't force anything on your kids. See what they want. To answer the other part of your question, I was told from day one that my Dad adopted me, I did not really understand what it meant until I was older, but it really made no difference. As a kid I was like, ok, and it wasn't discussed further. As an adult my Dad and I have talked about it, and although it still makes no difference. I hope I helped..
Hi Magdalyn,
Im new to mamasource & just read your story. Although mine is a bit different, I do understand what your going thru. I read alot of your responses and they all sound great. My son is almost 16 now. I got pregnant at 18 and he was a complete LOSER!. I didnt know I was pregnant until I was 4 months along (messed up cycle) and we had broken up much earlier. We had absolutely no contact. It was a very abusive relationship and he was a heavy drinker. I was young & stupid and didnt realize what I had gotten myself into. Anyway, I deceided NOT to tell his "father" for both my babies sake & for mine. I met & fell in love with my now husabnd when my son was 1 yr. It took some time but they eventually fell in love with each other and my son started calling him daddy. He had not had a daddy for his 1st yr of life so it was all new to him. I never told the "real father" and to this day he still does not know. I did explain the story to my son when he was about 8...as far as that goes...you should tell him when you think he is old enough to handle it & understand why you did what you did. I gave my son the option to meet his "real father" and he had ABSOLUTELY no interest. He said I have a dad and HE is the ONLY dad I ever want. I was completely honest with him. I think if your sons "real father" wanted to be in his life he would be no matter what..it doesnt seem like it though. Follow your heart....you cant go wrong if you do. Good Luck