I am the mother of a three year old and a six month old. I love my husband but have lost some respect for him lately. Like most moms I feel like I'm doing the bulk of the parenting. We're both teachers and have both been off work for the summer which should be wonderful but I feel like while he's been having a great vacation I've been taking care of everyone and everything. He sleeps in every morning while I'm up feeding the baby and the three year old and then because he's slept in he goes to bed late and complains that I'm a party pooper when I want to turn in early. I feel like I have to ask him repeatedly to do anything around the house. If it were just the kids I wouldn't mind so much but I feel like I'm being mother to him too. He goes out with his friends a couple of times a week for hours at a time while I've managed to slip in coffee with a pal twice over the whole summer and even then he suggests taking the kids to my parents so that he's not put out. I've become more short tempered with him lately and I"m finding it very difficult to respect him as I feel more like his parent than his wife.
I realize that part of it is us both being home and that spending too much time together is not always a good thing. Please tell me truthfully, am I overreacting?? I know I probably am. Any advice?
I think anytime is the right time for counseling! It certainly can't hurt a relationship and if your husband is open to it, you are already on the right path! Counseling saved my marraige because what I realized through the process is that I had just as many things I needed to work on as he did, and it really helped us find a common playing ground - we worked to define some basic ground rules that we still use in our marraige and it has helped tremendously with the raising of our 2 year old daughter.
Wow, your husband and my husband could be brothers. As cheesy as this sounds, I just read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I found it at a garage sale and decided it was worth the read. It was incredibly insightful in helping me approach my husband about his lack of enthusiam with "helping out". I've learned some very practical ways to ask for help, and expect the help I deserve. We're still not there yet, but the book has been successful. I dont' usually promote pop-psychiatry, but it's working, so maybe it will help you too. Take care. Elise
Just speaking from 14 years of experience of dealing with my husband....who started out the EXACT same way as yours...the more direct you are, the better. I know that I just assumed the role of do-it-all mom and the more I do so, the more he thought he didn't have to do anything. So, I made a plan. He isn't "babysitting" or being "put out"...these are HIS kids too, so he better get used to being their father and not a third child.
The best thing you can do is avoid playing the "poor me pity" card with him, but that will only put him on the defensive. I sat my husband down one night and told him that we needed to talk...that I felt that I was a single parent in a marriage and needed help. I asked that we please split up chores around the house and with the kids because it was fair to the KIDS. That if I'm busy taking care of everyone but me, I end up being unhappy and then the kids will be unhappy, he will be unhappy, etc. He slowly started to see my point. I don't ask anymore if I can go out, I tell my husband that I have a coffee date and he needs to take the kids...and if he's running errands, he takes one of them along. It started off rocky, but sooner than later, he realized that he is just as much a part of how we raise the kids as I am. And sure, we aren't perfect...I still do the bulk of everything around here, but at least he does the night baths now, takes one of the kids on errands, watches them outside when he's working the garage so that I don't have to be out there too (my PEACE TIME!!!) and is now invested in their care and rearing.
On another note...my husband insists that he can't survive unless he has 10 hours of sleep...so I so feel your pain on the sleeping in thing. All I can say is that if you married a sleeper, it just blows. LOL
It sounds like you and your husband are not in communication with each other. He has his viewpoint on things and you have yours. They are both valid but without communication you will not resolve anything. It takes confronting what is happening for you BOTH to have a great solution. My husband and I used to have a lot of problems with communication. Mainly, I felt like he didn't want to communicate with me. His viewpoint was that I was nagging him. Obviously, telling him that I wasn't nagging him didn't count as "good" communication. LOL. So, my friend suggested I take a communication course at the Church of Scientology. It has saved our marriage and we haven't been the same ever since. I know there are a lot of negative comments about Scientology, but it in no way interferred with my beliefs in God. I am so glad that God had the sense to put this course in front of me because I think things would have been a lot worse by now. I didn't want my child to grow up listening to fights and bickering like I did. I want my child to see us, my husband and I, as examples of what marriage should be. Anyway, good luck and I hope this helps.
Now, actually yesterday, is the right time.
Are you overreacting? No, underreacting. You mention that you have lost respect for your husband -- he clearly has little respect for you or for his responsibilities as a father.
Hear that little voice in your head, the one reading this right now and saying "Oh, she's too extreme" or "I must have made it sound worse than it really is?" I'm not. You didn't. Get into therapy, alone or together, and be honest and upfront. Time for dad to step up.
Hi Jenny:
The right time for counseling,is when you aren't happy with the direction your relationship appears to be going.Its the right time,when your pleas for some understanding and consideration are more often ignored or trivial.You can take comfort in knowing,that your not the only wife,that feels as though shes taking care of an extra kid! Some will reach retirement,without growing up.Men in general,don't like hearing where they are lacking from their wives.The lovely thing about a counselor is She doesn't know him from adam,but she will let him know. lol She will ask him how much time he gives to his kids.She'll ask him what he does to help you out.She'll ask what free time you have,and what you do with it, and then,she'll ask him what free time he has.The counselor really doesn't have to tell him,that he isn't forfiling his duties as a father and a husband.He will bring it all out himself.: ) The summer is behind you,and you'll both be returning to your positions soon.I would go see the counselor,and let my husband know, that next summer vacation,isn't going to be a repeat.I wish you the best Jenny.
It sounds like the right time for counselling was... yesterday! No, I do not think you are over-reacting. In fact, I think you have probably been under-reacting for years. Have you read "The Second Shift" yet?
Hello Jenny,
Yes, it sounds like you are ready for counseling with or without him. You are a family and with a family comes responsibility. What I read was an opening with everything that bothers you about him and then closed with a couple of nice excuses for him.
I recently told my husband who was acting similar, something was about to happen...I was either going to lose my job from being late, or lose my marriage. I would tell him I was about to be late and he just would not move, so I told him maybe I would join the SAHM's and explained what that was and told him he could go to work on his own and that afternoon he said he was going to have to pick a day to take the baby to daycare. Since...he has taken her 2 days out of the week and I take her the other 2 days. I work 4 days out of the week. It has worked out well.
You cannot excuse him, either you need to have a serious heart to heart talk with him, or get a counselor involved.
When is the right time for marriage counselling?...
As soon as you think "When is the right time for marriage counselling?".
Barbilee
Jenny,
Have you come straight out and told your husband any of your feelings? Sometimes us moms rightfully feel like this because we are the ones who lose the sleep and have extra hormones that make us very emotional and well, sometimes resentful, because we are not our typical well rested and relaxed selves. You are doing alot of things for your new little family now and you don't get a break like your husband and you do feel like you are not appreciated or understood. In a loving way try to tell him that you are feeling this way and that maybe instead of going out with his friends could you and him go out together? Is there anyone who can babysit? I know leaving a six month old is hard but perhaps you could get a sitter for your older daughter and just take the baby with you. You do need time with your hubby alone. Try and do this away from the distractions of the home where there is the temptation to catch up on all the many things there are to do all the time.
Of course you are tired at night. You've been up late feeding and up early caring for the babies and you are not interested in any late night fun or romance, but if your husband could agree to get up maybe two mornings a week so that you could rest or even go out to do something for yourself you will have more to give to the family. If it is one thing I have learned the hard way, it is that you need time for you. A little breather now and then and some recognition of how much you do for the family and then you can give with a more loving heart. (I know this well because I am the mother of seven children, soon to be eight!) Tell him this in the most loving way you can, because if you have not come out and said anything to him I mean a heart to heart of how this has all affected you then chances are he does not really realize that you feel this resentment. You see sometimes men really are oblivious until you come out and spell it out for them. He has probably just been so happy with his life because you do such a good job of everything that he didn't realize you felt like this. Give him a chance to know how you really feel and i'd be surprised if he didn't try to work with you to give you what you need. Remember marriage does take work and none of us are perfect. Your husband, I am sure is a good person and loves you and the girls very much. You do not need counseling just some better communicating. Maybe asking for help is not in your nature, but it is ok to ask now, it can make all the difference. Do it for the sake of your little ones, for yourself and for your marriage. You'll see, a little time for you can make all the difference!!!!!!
Sometimes the solutions to our frustrations are not obvious to us because you are overtired and overworked and drained emotionally. Our husbands do not figure this out on their own, we have to hit them on the head a little. You really do need time with him away from the little ones if you can. It is extremesly important to a healthy marriage. Please try this. He will be happy just to know that you want to spend time with just him. I know this is easier said than done but it will change things. Remember, try not to accuse him of things simply tell him how you have been feeling. He didn't mean to do any of this on purpose, Fathers are just wired differenly than moms. Tell him you need some more help! Good luck I will keep you in my prayers!
now, go for yourself,not for him or your marriage.
He is treating you exactly the way you are allowing it.
The fact is that the children are yours, whether you think so or not, and the first five years of children are the very hardest.
It will get easier. Your husband sounds selfish. Whether it is from his own mother or you, is a good question.
People treat you how you teach them to treat you.
You need help in finding a balance in your marriage.
Good luck and God Bless.
A lot of men don't get it. I don't think they realize how much work it takes, so it might be tme to start delegating and sitting down to write out chore lists. I mean, evey successful business has a purpose statement and a clear write-up of what tasks are expected of each job position.
My husband worked until our son was almost one. I'd get up with him, make him breakfast, make him lunch and send him off with a smile. H'ed arrive home with dinner almost done and when he walked through the dor, I had the baby off to him, so he had some time with our son. I'd finish making dinner, we's eat and the little one was off to bed. The house was perfect and he'd ask, "So, what did you do all day?" I was like, "What?????? How about: grocery shopped, laundry, dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the bathrooms, watered the plants, ran errands, breastfed the baby every 2 hours for 30 minutes, changed 15 diapers, played with the baby, took the trash out...."
He didn't get it, until he quit his job and I opnened my company after grad school. I left him home with a one year old and when I came home, I asked him, "So what did you do all day, this place is a disaster?" He would look at me with such a shocked face and relpy, "Do you have any idea how much effort this toddler takes? I did a load of laundry." I repleid, "What, were you outside with a washboard? You throw the laundry in and push a button. How hard is that? The dishes are everywhere. There are toys everywhere."
I let this go on for months, because I felt it was a good lesson and then we sat down and came up with a list of responsibilities. Things went much easier and he had perspective. Nothing will change without that. Nothing. And how can you, when you don't understand what needs to be changed. Sounds like you needed a week away alone or even along weekend....but now school's starting. You might want to plan this. I mean, he was there when these kids were conceived.
We have 3 kids now and are just trying to hold on to our hats. While I am on the computer respnding to a million work e-mails after the kids are in bed, he turns on the TV, even though he has promised our kids to fix a computer, fix the camera, etc.... It's all about priorities, but instead, I see him crawl into his cave (the couch) and turn on the TV and pop open a beer. I don't bitch at him about that...but I want to! I know he needs the down time, so I get it. But, I also make sure that I get my down time by getting a weekly massage. It's an hour away from EVERYTHING....and that helps to keep me recharged.
Oh, and nobody told me either, but men stop maturing at 12 years old - on good days. Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband, but there is just something about them that really does make them the weaker sex when it comes to multi-tasking.
So, maybe try this and then ask around for a good family nad marriage counselor. Not all are created equal. We had a great one and went weekly for 6 months. $$$$$$ Guess who did nothing she asked of him? Yep. Nice, huh? I told him that I could have gone to the bahamas for a month alone and it would have done our marriage more good. She helped me a ton and I got some perspective on my husband....but once again, he just shut down.
A great book: The Dance of Anger
I don't think you are over re-acting at all. Daddy needs to share his weight, he's slacking and you need to address it. Sit him down and designate, talk about, what tasks are yours and what are his. Tell him how you are feeling, and even up the "to do" list. Small children can be exhausting, I know I raised 2 and am a grandmother of 2 girls 1 and 4.When I needed time alone, my husband would take our 2 out and about for the day. I could get some things done, sit back and relax, or whatever. It will make you feel better about him, if he starts helping. I would try this and if it doesn't work get to help immediately.
Hi,
I agree with the other posters here that your husband needs to pull more of his weight and that he obviously has no idea what it takes for you to run the household. He is not being considerate of you. You should either sit down and talk or go to counseling, but do it soon, before you feel much more resentment. You are not alone. My husband does the exact same things and I read that others here have said the same thing, too. So, at least know that many of us are in a similar boat. Sometimes it helps to know that! :) Also, I agree with what someone else mentioned about people treating yout he way you let them treat you. You can't stand for this any more. I was guilty of that, too, until I got so tired of it and finally spoke up (something in my pervious life, before children, would have done in a heartbeat) and now things are getting better and at least I feel I am being more true to myself. You are NOT overreacting. You need to trust your feelings and express them. Things are not OK if you are unhappy, stressed, losing respect for your life partner, so you have an obligation to yourself and to your marriage to talk with him about it. I am sure you two can figure a way to make it work for both of you. Good luck!
Jessica
Hi Jenny,
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so low right now. It seems to me that having a very little one at home always makes situations more tense. Your hormones are still adjusting back to normal, you're not sleeping like you used to, you are needed by both your kids so much when they are little. Should your husband be more supportive - absolutely. But maybe your communication with each other is not working as well right now. It happens. I know my marriage goes through ups and downs. The last time we were in a down cycle, I bought the book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail (and how you can make yours last) by John Gottman, Ph.D. It came highly recommended by a marriage counselor, and it's a great book. I would try this first and if you still think you guys need help, then definitely try counseling. Good luck!
Hi Jenny,
My advise would be to email him this letter you wrote. Maybe add that you love him very much in it. You know he's a man and they do take things a little differently, but all in all he needs to know exactly what you have written to us. He need to know that this is a partnership, and you need respect for what you do in it, and he needs to pick it up a step. You should not have to feel this way, and need to take care of it asap before it ruins your marriage. and it will eventually, because held in resentment can be completely detrimental. I know, been there done that before. On my 2nd marriage and we've been together 16 years. Sometimes its cake, and other times it takes a lot of work, but most of all it takes communication, and I'm talking about real sit down and talk, and really let each other talk without interrupting. But you could start out by simply emailing him this note first, this way he can roll it over in his mind. Men take a long time to think, and of course women can process something quickly.
Good luck, and don't give up.
Alex
You are not over reacting! Sadly, normally what you see is what you get when it comes to a partner. My ex went to work, and truly believed that after a 8 hour day on the job, he WAS DONE. No matter that I worked full time as well, and he too was put out at the thought of watching the kids so I could have a few hours to myself. You could talk to him. but like I said, what you see is what you get, people don't normally change for the long term. I have no advice except for that you can have a conversation with him, or counseling, sometimes a third party is beneficial. I understand how you feel, it is a difficult situation, I hope things work out for you.
Jenny, now is the time! I begged my husband to go he wouldn't. If yours goes fantastic. My daughter just turned 17 and in many ways he is a great dad, but as far as the parenting goes he has always left it up to me...not the way it is supposed to be.
Just my view, it doesn't get better as the years go by. I do hope he sees that councelling can help.
Cindy
It sounds to me that you have not let your needs be known to him. Most woman think men should be able to just know what they want and need. Somehow we feel if we have to ask they must not be in tune to our needs and therefore don't really love us. But so many things will improve in your relationship if you ask for what you need and do it without nagging and try to do it before your resentment grows large. Why don't you share your question with him as a conversation starter?
Ask him the day before if he will give you a morning to sleep in by taking over the feedings. Tell him in advance you are planning a date with friends so he can be prepared to take over. Ask him to take over dinner and bathtime because you need a little time to yourself.
Sometimes as mom's we are not only the default caretaker because we have the milk, we are because we know we do it better. I need breaks too but when my husband takes over he does it all wrong and instead of taking my break I'm watching over his shoulder saying, "don't feed her in front of the t.v..., its too distracting, don't wipe her face too much she hates it, just to it once at the end..." We know the schedule, we know the nuances and we can't let go!
In addition to asking for what I need, I have also had to learn to let dad make mistakes while watching baby. Hope this helps. Best of luck.
FYI- Marriage counseling is a good idea at any time, esspecially if you are feeling the need for it.