I'm at my wits end and I am not sure what to do anymore without hurting someones (My mother-in-laws)feelings however, I am due to give birth in one week and it seems like everyone is okay with my feelings being hurt.
First my mother in law's first problem is that she does not want to be my children's grandmother she wants to be their parent. It is her way or wrong and this has gotten worse over the years, simple parenting suggestions have become full force attacks on me and my husband and then tears that we don't appreciate her on and on....
In the last two years she has also become more and more negative about everything, money, her weight, friends. Everything is bad but she will not take any responsibility for it everyone else is to blame.
Okay MY PROBLEM; she is already upset with me because I've asked here to wait four days after Matthew arrives to come to visit since my mom and dad (who is returning from Iraq and I haven't seen in two years) will be here. Well now she's informed me that she has hurt her knee again (she hurt it right before I had baby 3) and won't be much help to me other than holding the baby. Well I have a 11 year old and a 5 year old, I don't think I'm going to have any problems finding someone to help hold the baby.
I am going to end up taking care of her like I did last time, doing all the cooking and cleaning, which I don't mind but she wants to stay two weeks and I feel if she's not here to help me or my other children then she really only needs to be here one week to have Nana time.
My husband agrees with me but of course he doesn't want to hurt his mom, but I just don't think I can take it, picking up the phone to talk with her now takes so much out of me, I love her dearly but I really think she is suffering from some huge depression and I just don't know if I can handle two weeks of it after having a baby and worrying about my other three kiddos.
I just want to tell her One week, but is that being too harsh?
I feel for you girl!!!
I understand what you are feeling. I always get the leture that a grandmother is a mother. I would do whatever YOUR family needs! If you only want her for a week then tell her so.Good luck.
OK... so... my advice is...
It sounds like you are going to HAVE to call her and tell her yourself. So, when you call her, bring up your parents coming and how happy you are that she understands and respects your need to see your parents and that you can't wait to see her when she comes to... THEN say how much you appreciate her coming to HELP with the new baby and other kids and how much they enjoy their Nana... and that to HELP HER while she is there, you've written up all the instructions on how to do the laundry and where everything goes. That you are going to freeze casseroles and all she will have to do is heat them up, make a salad and clean up afterwards. That you are thinking of buying paper plates and plasticware so that cleanup will be minimal. That you've got all the kids schedules written out, where they need to be and when, etc... and you so appreciate her helping you. Maybe you need to just make it sound like so much work that she won't want to come for that long... hahaha
And if that doesn't work... TELL HER, you know it is better for US if you only stay a week. I know it hurts your feelings and for that I am sorry. But we have to do what is best for us. I hope in time you will understand and I sure hope this doesn't change your mind about coming. We'd really love to see you. Then - if she acts ugly... it's on her. Clean slate for you!
Sorry, that is the only thing I can think of...
em
It is your home and your decision. She should be happy with whatever works for you. This is about you, not her. She should let you have your time with your family that you haven't seen. She should want what works for you. Just talk to her calmly and firmly. If she gets upset, tell her you love her and will be happy to talk to her when she calms down. Good luck.
I don't think it's being too harsh at all, especially if your husband agrees w/ u! The two of u need to put your foot down (him especially, since it's his mother) and tell her that u r the parents, and while u appreciate everything she's done for u, she's not the only one who needs to do things for themselves! This is your house, your baby, your family, and your visitors, it should be your way! It's not like you're saying no altogether, so someone needs to tell her that u need some time to be able to take care of yourselves and your own family before u can take care of her as well! And I agree, it sounds like she's suffering from depression (and self-centered-ism) and unless someone gets her some help (and stops doing eveything she wants) she's never going to change her ways. You definitely don't need someone who is depressed and needy around during a time when you're so prone to depression as well! You need to just tell her no and stick to it before u eventually get so stressed and your blood pressure goes up to the point that u just crack and explode- that won't be good for ANYbody, especially that new baby!
I think your hubby needs to talk to her, after all, that is HIS mom. You don't need the extra stress added on your shoulders. Let him deal with his mom and you take care of yourself and your new little one.
I do not think you are being harsh at all! First off, does she live close or will she have to travel a distance to get to your house? If she lives close I don't think she should stay at all! If it's a distance maybe you should tell her to come when her leg is better! You SHOULD NOT have to take care of her RIGHT after you have had a baby! That is CRAZY!! You dear woman!! I have opted to not have anyone at my house right after we brought/bring them home...it's a special bonding time as a family. I fully understand you wanting your parents since they have been away for soooo long!! I think you and your husband should tell her what you are feeling...who really cares if she gets her feelings hurt....you can't help that...she'd get her feelings hurt over most anything it seems....This is not something you should have to be worrying about, but I know all too well how you feel b/c my hubby does not like to say/do anything that could upset his family. I love them dearly, but they don't think sometimes and my concerns are not important to them most of the time! Good luck! I hope I don't sound rude, it just drives me nuts how WE should be catered to after just giving birth (giving birth is not that easy...it's hard on your body and your need recovery time!) and others make it about THEM!! Off my box now!! lol
Wow, she needs to just stay home. Tell her that if she wants to come to visit then she needs to help out with the cooking & cleaning...not sitting around complaining about her knee. If she just complains about her knee, then tell her to stay home...you don't need another person to wait on. She should respect the fact that your parents are coming & stay out of the way.
She wants to stay 2 weeks? Sheesh. That's way too long. Sounds like she's needy & desperate for attention. My mom is like that. I would just tell her. Who's more important...your husband & children or your MIL?
I'd call her today. I'd be to the point, but not accusatory or emotional about it at all. Decide what you want her to do: either visit for 1 week or wait until she's "better" then tell her just that! If she starts to cry, throw guilt-trip, etc. Just tell her you'll have hubby call her later and HANG UP! You do not need this kind of stress before the baby is born - you already have too much on your plate to deal with drama.
Here's how the conversation would sound with my MIL:
1. Come back when you're better
"_______, (hubby) and I have been talking and we've decided that we really want to have you meet Matthew, but we are concerned about you traveling with your hurt knee and it's just too overwhelming to care for guests properly after just having a baby. We'd like to wait and come when your knee is better. I know we are all excited to see you, especially (older kids, hint hint!) but the visit will mean more to them when you are 100% better."
Just one week:
"_________, (hubby) and I were talking and we've decided that we know how excited you are to see Matthew, but we'd really like for you to just visit for a week at first, until you feel better and are able to focus on the grandkids. This way I don't have to worry about keeping you comfortable, taking care of the kids and the house, and recovering from childbirth. You remember what it was like when you had your kids."
On the parenting issues: Just tell her that while you are more than happy to hear her suggestions, you will have to raise the children your way. You are the parents and the ones the children see everyday, so it's best if the parenting comes from you so there is no confusion as to who to listen to. My mom used to do this to my sister. When she visited, she told me she was going to keep her mouth shut. I told her I'd be willing to hear what she had to say, but I couldn't guarantee I would follow all of it. That seemed to work for her (partly maybe because my sister refused to listen at all).
On the 2-week visit: No, you are not being harsh by limiting it to a week. You can't take care of her and the new baby, so I'd suggest she wait until her knee is better. I'd even limit it to no more than 5 days or a weekend trip, but that's just me. :) Although I don't like the idea of lying to anyone, it sounds like it might be easier just to tell her your doctor is going to place you on bed rest (or limited activities) the first X weeks after delivery. And thus, you cannot help her and your children. If she realizes she has to wait longer, her knee may suddenly heal very quickly. :)
Hi Tanya,
Well I too have a mother in law. I was very up front with her from the very beginning. She backed up for a while but came around later and now she respects our decisions regarding our children. Since it wasn't right from the beginning it's going to be very hard for her to understand why you are "changing" your ways. If you have your husbands support and you both agree before you speak to her regarding what and what you both will not accept from her. In other words have a plan before the time comes for her to visit and stick to it. Guilt is a really ugly reason for a relationship and resentment is sure to sit in later. I wouldn't be nasty but honest with your feelings and tell her that you are not up to having company after giving birth. How about a visit later when you and your family are better adjusted with the new family member? I learned from mistakes in my past, YOUR family comes first. It's alright for you to have boundaries regarding you and your family!
Caroline
Girl... it is your baby and your life. I know it is hard to put your own feelings before someone else's, but when are you going to be able to give birth to this 3rd baby again??? Can't "re-do" live birth... This is your moment in the spotlight- not hers. She will get over it...
I think that one week is very reasonable. Your husband should be more help when it comes to dealing with his mom. He's really the one who should tell her these things and explain why. He probably should suggest that she see someone to evaluate her for depression as well, and it is more common in older people that most people realize.
Personally, I think people ask to much of new mothers. They should leave you along to bond with your new baby and heal before invading you for their own agenda. I think you should be honest with her and let her deal with the consequences. I know it will not be easy. After the birth of #5, I did not let anyone come over for 6 weeks, except for my parents and my sister. I had a hard birth and my son was sick. It took me a long time to bounce back from that c-section and I had 5 kids to care for plus my son did not need to be around other peoples germs for a long while. Some people got their feeling hurt but I figured that taking care of me and my family came first. I had a "friend" that would come over every day and knock on the door. She was determined to see the baby. I just didn't open or answer the door. She was mad for a long while but did eventually get over it. So did everyone else. Just my 4 cents worth. hth
It sounds to me like you don't care for your mother in law because you think she requires too much attention, creates hostility and undermines your parenting. My advice would be to call her and tell her that you are afraid for her visit though you would not want to intrude on her Nana time. Let her know that when she imposes her parenting on you and your family, you find it innappropriate and would appreciate that when she is visiting that she please refrain from doing that. Also, let her know you are afraid that you may end up taking care of her like you did the last time and that her help instead would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, she can plan on staying only one week while you arrange for someone who is able to actually contribute to you in your delicate state to come and help you.
It all sounds harsh, but a conversation along these lines in expressing your real feeling needs to happen in order for you to be at peace with her. It may blow up at first, but stay focused on the real issues and be honest with yourself and with her about your fears and what you think she takes away from you and your family. She may not be aware of it and it may be hard for her to accept at first.
It may also be that she is relentlessly trying to prove (to herself perhaps) that she is still in control of her son. Mother - son bonds are very strong.
I am in the same boat as you and I just have to say---You are the mommy and you have to stand up for yourself. She has sorta given you no other choice than to get her feelings hurt and I think you are more worried about hurting her than she is about hurting you. Right now--you and your family have to come first. I finally put my foot down with my over bearing mother in law and it's the best thing I ever did bc now she would walk to the moon to keep from upsetting me. We went thru alot to get to that point, but now I am glad I stopped her when I did! I am 26 wks pregnant with my 3rd and she has already told me she will "step back" and be there when I need her rather than being in the middle of my business like she used to be. Take care of YOU! Good Luck and congrats on the new one!
WOW!!! You are one fertile woman...LOL I think you should tell her and basically the same way. You already have A LOT on your plate. The last thing you need is to take care of another person. Someone who in fact should be there to help not to be taken care of. If she is hurt she WILL get over it. Just make sure that you stress how much you and your husband love her and how much yall are looking forward to her visit. Congrats on your ever growing family. FUN FUN. I have 4 and I got my tubes tide. I guess that is all that is left for you to do however from what it sounds like it still wouldnt stop you from Gods plans for your family....LOL You are a baby making machine. Way to go and again congrats.
I too have MIL issues! I feel your pain. Last year when we were having my 2nd baby, my MIL pulled the same thing. She is very high maintenance as well and never helps when she is here, instead she makes demands. Here is what I learned...she called and told us that she was spending two weeks here. I spoke with my husband and told him that he needed to tell her that two weeks was just too long. You are recovering from childbirth, trying to bond as a family and quite honestly my general feeling about my MIL is that the only way she should stay longer than a week is if she starts paying our mortgage! She was VERY offended and when they came they stayed for 3 days and left when we came home from the hospital. After that, they have started staying in a hotel. I am sorry for "hurting her feelings" but at the end of the day, as mommy's we have a primary responsibilty to our children and ourselves. If it is just going to be a battle, then why do it! I do not think that you are being mean or harsh, but realistic. I would just let her know that you are looking forward to her visit, but that just like she won't be able to help you much, I would let her know that you won't be able to help her much either. I would let her know that 1 week would work much better for your family, as you will all be trying to adjust to the latest angel added to your family. Just remember that these things are much more easily digested when they come from the son and not the DIL. Your husband needs to be the one to address this with her. You have enough going on, you should not have to deal with the MIL right now! Good luck!
All grandparents should be allowed to see the child at the same time and as soon as possible - if not, it is dishonoring.
I think you are a little bitter at your MIL, and are excited to see your parents. It's normal to feel anxious, but just relax and take it easy.
Just be gracious that you have people who love you and your baby. What's important is that you have a healthy baby, right? Who cares if the MIL wants to see the baby. Let her in, let her hold the baby. BUT YOU'RE THE MOM. YOU DICTATE WHAT YOUR CHILD DOES nad WHEN. Be gracious and caring, be social and loving. but be IN CONTROL!
I also went through something similar to your problem and the only way to "kick it in the bud" is to come right out and tell your mother-in-law what, how, when, and why you are doing things YOUR way and only your way. When you tell her; be courtous, gracious, loving, and caring; but BE IN CONTROL!
You have to "keep to your guns" in all of your decisions and not worry about whose feelings you will hurt; they will get over it in time. If you don't take care of your mother-in-law's problem now; it will get worse and worse later on down the road and your older children will also suffer and see things that are not good for them in your relationships. Yes, your mother-in-law will probably get angry; but she will get over it in time. You are the mom. You indicate when and what your children do.
You and/or your husband should also talk to your mother-in-law's family doctor and get him/her to prescribe that she see a psychiatrist. She sounds like she has "clinical depression" and it CAN be treated with medication.....I know....my husband has it and is a GREAT person; but she must get help now.
Remember, your husband has GOT to stand by you in all this also; and not worry about "hurting his mother's feelings". After I went through this and said things to my mother-in-law that I wish I would have said earlier; my relationship with her became the best there was.