Hello there. My husband and I have a single daughter who will be turning 18 in June and has been commenting that she shouldn't have a curfew once she is 18. She will still be living at home and attending the community college for the next two years. My husband has already set her straight that while she is living at home and even though she is 18 she cannot do whatever she wants and will need to respect our home. We have set her curfew at 1 a.m. once she turns 18. She doesn't like this of course, and comments about moving out like most teenagers do out of frustration. My husband and I are not lienient parents and have always given our daughter a curfew. Right now her curfew is 12:30 on Friday and Saturday nights, which we feel is very generous. Her curfew use to be midnight, but she complained so much that her other friends curfews was 1 a.m. or later and if we could change the curfew to be a bit later. Since she has been doing very well in school, we told her we would extend her curfew to 12:30 a.m. My daughter would like her curfew to be 2:30 once she turns 18, but my husband and I don't agree. Her friends currently have later curfews than she does at age 17, so she feels 1 a.m. is not fair when she turns 18. What do you ladies think is a fair curfew for a soon-to-be 18 year old young lady living at home. She's a good student and responsible at her part-time job. Thank you for any advice!
I'm not sure what a fair curfew might be but have your considerd a reasonable "open" curfew? By that I mean, have her tell you her plans for the evening and then agree on a time to be home based on her plans. Like, if she's going to a 10pm movie and then to Denny's for late night meal, it would be reasonable to expect her home between 1:30 and 2 am. If she's going to a party that starts at 9:00, maybe she could reasonably be home by 12:30.
It's a little more work night by night, but it will require her to tell you her plans rather than just being free to do whatever until 1am.
This is the way my mom did curfew with me when I would come home from college and it worked great! I felt like I was being trusted and could be repsonsible part of the decision making process... my mom (I think) got to know where I was and have a say in when I'd be back.
Hope this helps,
Thea
When I turned 18, I didnt have a curfew, BUT I had to tell my aunt WHO I was going to be with and WHERE I was going. The deal was as long as my grades stayed up, they would not give me a curfew, but I did have to call them if I was going to be out past midnight, and let them know what time I would be in or whos house I was staying at.
Once my siblings and I turned 18 we didn't have a curfew at all. The only thing my parents expected was that if we weren't coming home that night to give them a call. That way if they woke up and we weren't home they weren't freaking out that something had happened to us. And when we came home after they were in bed we had to be respectful of the fact they were sleeping and be really quiet. And make sure we locked back up when we got in.
If she's responsible and you TRUST her and are sure you've raised her right ... then you have nothing to worry about.
Besides being in by 12:30 or 1:00 or whatever doesn't mean she's not gonna do something you'd rather she didn't. It just means if she's gonna do it .. she's gonna do it earlier.
Since you are paying the bills and have all the responsibility, the fair curfew is the one you set.
That said, when my children got older I wanted to let them have more and more control over their lives and the concequences so that when they did go on their own they didn't go wild with new found freedom.
We set a curfew on work nights so our home could be calm and we could sleep during the week and then made an agreement with our children that on weekends they would 1) let us know where they going & when to expect them home and 2)wake us up when they got home so we knew they were home safe.
I told them we just wanted to know when and where to start looking for them if they went missing.
We also talked openly about drinking and driving, sex and all of the other growing up topics regularly.
Good Luck! :)
Prior to being 18 my curfew was usually 1am... Once I turned 18 my curfew was removed as long as I would call to check in and state what time I was expecting to be home by. To be honest I was so used to having a curfew that once I didn't have one I didn't go crazy, out all night or anything like that. For the most part I was in by 2 ish unless prior arrangements were made such as a sleep over. The idea that I had more freedom made me feel more grown up... It felt good that my mom trusted me enough to let me choose what was reasonable timing for me to get home. I didn't take advantage of it either cause I wanted to have the freedom of choice. I knew if I broke the trust it would be back to good ole 1am curfew... I am now 27 and feel that I never missed out on fun with friends and my mom and I have the best of relationships because of her honest trust towards me. Give her the benefit of the doubt untill she shows other wise... If u say she is a good kid then let her show it to you. Maybe u guys can compromise and give her a 2am curfew on Friday and saturday nites only... It's a way to start the path to becoming a grown up! Good luck in your decision.... I wish u the best.
In most places in California, the bars close at 2 am. I wouldn't have her have a curfew past 1 am. 1:30 at the latest. When the bars close, more drunk drivers are on the road and more police. If she's at friends' homes, tell her to spend the night, unless it's a boyfriend's home, then she doesn't need to be out that late either.
If she doesn't like the rules, she can get her own place.
Choose your battles!! In keeping with what others have said, I would remove her curfew with the proviso that she call at a certain time if she is not coming home. Foremost, we as parents want to protect our children, but at some point they do become adults and we really can't be there every minute. BY all means, tell her your concerns AND leave the door open to pick her up or help her anytime, with no questions asked, if she needs you. Risks often get worse when teens think they can't call their parents and a situation escalates.
If she doesn't follow through, then maybe leaving on her own or with roommates is the answer. With this economy, it has been a hugh wakeup call for my young adults who wanted to fight about chores. They didn't have a curfew, but they, as adults, were now expected to contribute to the household in various ways. Even that proved too much. Young adults are still forming identity and still rebelling in some ways. My motto is to step aside rather than control. This way they have to take responsibility for their choices and don't act as much out of "I'll show you."
Use your friends and others to vent to and keep a smiling face to your daughter when possible. Be prepared to stand behind whatever you decide (consequences), but get ready to cut that umbilical cord! Good luck!
I have always felt that once a child turns 18 AND is graduated from highschool, that the curfews should be eliminated. That's not to say that she shouldn't still be doing things around the house. I think that a more resonable solution is that she needs to call and let you know by a certain time where she is and what time she will be home. It's like you said, she is a good student and is responsible. I think it's time to trust your daughter with her own life or you might force her to move out, which we all know makes it way more difficult to complete school in a resonable time.
At age 18, if she wants to live at home you can approach it as, she has chosen to stay a member of your live-in family. Therefore their are rules for all. One is curfew so others are not disturbed in their needed sleep; meals are at a certain time, they need to let you know whether they will be there. If the "rules of the house" no longer fit, then maybe they need to pay rent.
Remember boundaries are needed for all at all ages even 70 yrs old!
Good luck!
MK
Mt response to my son and daughter is always IM not their friends mother but I am theirs and these are my rules. My son had the same curfew as when he was 17 even when he came home on leave from the military. As a parent we lose sleep when they aren't home because we worry about them so if its that im portant to her let her move out. She most likely wont but if she does she will learn very quickly that its not as easy as she thinks nor as much fun. Stick to your guns. I think 1 am is very generous for a young lady.
Even if she were to pay rent (and student or not, she should be expected to contribute somehow at 18), there should be communication and agreement about when she'll be in for the night...as a courtesy to the people she lives with and as a safety measure. Perhaps you can focus more on the day-to-day as in, having her tell you every night what time she'll be home instead of a curfew. We live with my mom and all the adults in the house tell each other when they'll be in for the night...it's just common courtesy.
At 18 all three of my boys had a curfew of 2 AM for several reasons: 1) My husband and I both had to get up and go to work in the morning so 2 AM gave us plenty of uninterrupted sleep, even if we were called upon to pick any of them up for any reason. 2) 18 is not the "adult" legal age in the USA, 21 is. An 18 year old is not old enough to go into a bar or most clubs. My question always was, "what legitimate activity required staying out past 2 AM?" 3) My house, my rules---don't like it, try living on your own.
While I appreciate the new found freedom of turning 18 and the less rigid rules at school, I also know that doing away with all rules can lead to trouble. At 18, living at home should be considered a priviledge, not a right. And one more thought, many times my boys would tell me their curfew was much earlier than their friends so I checked with the friends parents and found that was not the case. It was their way to attempt to convince me to lighten up. I think too often we abandon all rules and guidelines for our children at 18, and while they think they're adults (and some parents do as well), they're not. My youngest lived at home until the age of 27. Once he finished college, he paid rent. The entire time he had a curfew of 2 AM because we still had to get up and go to work very early in the morning. On the rare nights he wanted to stay out beyond that, he spent those nights at a friends apartment. Frankly, I think that only happened a handful of times in 10 years. Since he was working, or had early classes, he needed to get a full night's sleep himself.
My recommendation is that you do what you feel works best for your family and set a limit (or no limit) based on how you feel in your gut. Based on the responses you've had so far, either decision could be the right one.
Good Luck!
Hi Rose,
I'm a marriage and family therapist who specializes in teens and their families and I would reccomend sticking with the 1am for two reasons: the first is, it's your home and you're comfortable with that. Second, I have seen many kids in their mid-20s still living at home because it's awfully comfy there. This rotten might make that very appealing to your daughter-- you want to give her some incentive to get her education, get a job and move one with her life.
Haven't read what others said but here is what my parents did for my sister and me (we both lived at home until we were 21--our parents wanted us to save our money). With a father that was a police officer for 28 years, he'd seen just about everything that can happen in the early and wee hours of the night. They sat us down, explained that they know that you can get into trouble at any hour of the day (car accident, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.), but that a large majority of the problems arise in the evening hours. Our curfew was set at 1:00 a.m. and then 2:00 a.m. when we were 20. They explained that they worried about us, on the road with the less responsible people--those that took drugs or those that drink and drive. They said they trusted us not to do those things. After I saw how many of my friends/acquaintances had to deal with these issues (a couple of them killed by drunk drivers while they were "good" and minding their own business and driving home at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m.), I realized what my folks were talking about. My parents said they couldn't sleep while waiting to hear that front door open, and I don't blame them. When kids move out, parents worry (I've got 2 out now), but when they are gone you don't know what they are doing, where they are, who they are with, what time they get in, etc., and so you have to let it go. You still worry as a parent, but it isn't thrust in your face. I understood then that if my parents were going to "support" me that the least I could do was give them a good night's sleep. And looking back on it, whatever I was doing from about 11:00 p.m. until 1:00/2:00 a.m. really wasn't that much fun.
Hi! My oldest son is almost 21, & he doesn't have a curfew. However, he also works FT & goes to school PT. We have never had a problem with him, & he always communicates with us to let us know where he is & what he'll be doing. Also, although he does not have a curfew, he doesn't take advantage, or even come home late every night. He is very responsible, & we are blessed.
However, every household is different. If you & your husband prefer that she have a curfew, then perhaps you can eliminate it or make it later on the weekends only. Then, during the week you can keep the earlier curfew, or make it a little later at some point.
Good luck!
Hi Rose,
You are more then fair with your daughter. She should be happy you care enough about her to want her home. I had the same curfew when I was her age. If she does not like it she can move out and pay rent, buy her own food, furnish her apartment, buy a car and put gas in it, pay for her own tune ups, insurance, repairs, electricity, PG&E and everything else she wants.
She does not know how easy she has it. She is not old enough to go to clubs or bars so she really has no reason to be out at 2:30 in the morning.
There can be exceptions on occasion when she is going to a party for some friends and she has been doing well and has no school the next day but then she can talk to you both for permission.
She has to understand there are rules when you live in someone's household whether it be at home or room mates.
Hope this helps.
Have a great day.
Nina Marie
Dear Rose,
Natalie Holliway was a good student too. Her parents trusted her and her friends. You daughter will only be 18, Midnight is plenty late for a teenager. If she thinks she's going to be an adult just because she's turning 18, sit her down and write out a budget on what it would cost if she were living on her own and trying to go to schoold full time.
You are good parents trying to help your daughter get an education and grow up. She might not appreciate a little tough love now, but she will later and you will sleep better.
Blessings....
My niece, who lives with us, is turning 18 the day before she graduates from high school. She initially thought that meant that she was going to have every freedom in the world, too. I explained to her that she will still be living here and still under our rules. Yeah, I'll relax them some, but she's not going to be any more responsible on her birthday than she was the day before.
I told her that I do not sleep while she is gone, and she knows this. I wait up for her. I expect that she isn't going to be coming in late and waking everyone up. Currently she doesn't have a set curfew, it's more about what she is doing and where she is going and kind of decided on that. I think 1 am is plenty late. I have told her before that I don't want her out there on the roads when the drunks are leaving the bars, which usually starts around 1:30 since they close at 2.
Good luck.
I lived at home till I got married at 22. Since I was still in school my weeknight curfew was 10:00 and weekends was Midnight. I was dating, then engaged to someone 10 years older then I. At 22 and 32 we both had to respect my parents curfew till I got married. ( The curfew had no effect on me getting married) I was annoyed by it at times by I lived through it and I think my parents were smart in putting boundaries up. It's easy to get into trouble without them.