My stepson is 8 1/2 and lives with his mother and 3 older siblings. His mother still lets him sleep in her bed every night. He spends one weekend night almost every week with us and has no problem sleeping in his own bed at our house. He has never even attempted to come into our bed when he spends the night. My husband has asked his ex to have him sleep in his own bed but she continues to let him sleep there. She told my stepson that she looked it up online and found that it was OK for him to still sleep with her. We think he is too old and should be embarrassed. What do you think?
BTW, my husband and his ex-wife have been separated/divorced since he was about a year old so it is not an issue of dealing with the divorce. She used to let him sleep on the linen closet floor, on her floor and now her bed (which I guess is better than the floor). I am actually asking this FOR my husband.
My stepdaughter is 7.5 and up until last year she slept with her dad only because they lived in one room with only one bed. When they moved she had her own room, but didn't want to sleep in her bed and Dad figured she'd be too old soon and wanted to be close to her so she slept with him until the age of 6 when I showed up.
She sleeps fine in her own room at our house, no arguments (there were a few at first but they didn't last long) but at grandma's house she sleeps in the bed with grandma and grandpa because she wants to. I think she's too old, but what can I do?
I feel the same as you, it's inappropriate and they are too old. HOWEVER, it's not our decision to make as stepparents.
All I do is really compliment her when she does "big girl" things. I praise her up and down. There's no way Grandma is going to stop letting her sleep in their bed as long as she wants it, so the initiative has to come from the child.
One time she came home with a sore arm because she was sleeping in the bed and of course it was cramped so her arm got cramped up. We made a big deal about how she was "too big" and "that's what happens" but it didn't stop her from still sleeping in their bed.
As long as there isn't any sexual abuse I can't see the harm in it if he's not begging to sleep in your bed. It's obviously just something him and his mom want to do.
On a side note, my stepdaughter's friend was over and somehow the subject of taking showers came up. Her friend said she had been taking showers on her own for several years while my stepdaughter was NOT INTERESTED (no matter how much I tried) in washing herself. As soon as her friend said that she wanted to take showers on her own! So eventually he may be embarrassed and decide to change. Either way, the change has to come from him.
I agree that your stepson is too old to be sleeping with his mother however without knowledge of any kind of abuse going on, I'm afraid there's really nothing you can do about that. I'm curious to know if this co-sleeping has always occurred or if it's something that started happening after the divorce. Sometimes a parent can become too emotionally dependent on a child to fill a void that exists in their own life. This isn't to say any kind of sexual abuse is going on...but it's still not healthy...her son needs his independence and frankly so does she.
I'm sure there will be a lot of answers that vary to this,especially different cultures have different opinions and some people will think it outright wrong and some will think it is perfectly fine. So I guess the next issue is why the mother has the son sleep with her, how often it happens and does it seem as though the child is suffering from it. And does your family life suffer from it. I used to think it was weird, weird enough in my own home when my children's dad slept with my boys all the time and it was a horrible round of visits to social workers and therapists and getting it checked out for any sorts of abuse to find out nothing happened. I divorced but not for that only. That might not have become an issue. Many cultures do co sleep. Some people don't have enough beds. But in this case it sounds like it could be a factor that perhaps mom is a little lonely and is letting her son fill in the gap that took place when the parents were separated. If it doesn't appear that he is suffering from it you might let this go for a bit. On the other hand if you really think something terrible is going to come of it, then of course address it. The little boy will probably get tired of it eventually. They outgrow that as they get older and want to have some privacy, so don't worry.
You don't describe any physical or emotional issues that are the result of your stepson sleeping with his mother and it sounds like both of them are fine with the arrangement. He will grow out of it eventually.
Well, I am not sure that it is all that "wierd". My son is 8 1/2 & a very loving little boy. I am married, but on occassion both of our children want us to sleep with them or for them to sleep in the same bed. We have a boy & a girl & don't see any problem with this. I am sure that mom & son went through a great deal when dad moved out so I am sure it is just a comfort thing and at some point he will grow out of it, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. In fact, if you make a big deal out of it, you may just force the co-sleeping longer in order for him to defy you. Seems that kids just do the opposite of what you want sometimes when you voice your opinion too often.
Also, if something were going on that is not appropriate, wouldn't the older siblings notice.
I have a 14 year old son and on the very rare occasion when my husband is out of town he always tries to see if he can sleep in my bed with me. I say no, just because it's nice to have a night to have the whole bed to myself, but if he wakes up early and crawls in bed with me I have no problem with it. It's actually nice to lay there and talk or watch TV together. I know those days are numbered and I treasure those moments. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. They're both probably lonely and once she starts seeing someone I'm sure she'll put an end to it. Trust me, there will be bigger battles down the road...let this one go.
When my kids were younger they wanted to sleep in my bed when my husband was gone. I think that she is probably lonely and probably doesn't want to be alone at night. You could ask him it bothers h,im or not. If not, I'm sure its okay.
I think if he is fine with it, it is ok for now. He will probably stop within the next 3 years anyway. My 8 year old would still sleep with me if I let him, but I don't. I never sleep well when they are in my bed! I would just leave this one alone if I were you. If there is no indicator of abuse there is nothing wrong with it!
Our 9 year old son and 12 year old daughter would sleep with us if we let them, and we do a few times a year. Yet they sleep in their beds perfectly fine and there's no fighting or whining about it; it's just that they would love it if they could sleep with me and my husband. As for being embarrassed, I'm waiting for our 9 year old to show any signs of modesty. He's perfectly comfortable walking around nude, not something we encourage but we also don't make a big deal about it. Unless there's a sign of some other problem, this behavior seems perfectly normal for a close parent-child relationahip. Be happy that your stepson feels comfortable to have that closeness with his mom.
I had a friend whose mother let her kids sleep with her until they wanted to leave the bed. They were around your stepson's age or older, actually. It made them insecure when it came time to sleep on their own, as well as somewhat codependent. That was just their case. I cannot speak for yours. However, I would certainly be concerned if I were you, too. Puberty is coming soon. It should be your stepson's move to decide when to leave at this point so he doesn't feel punished or strange.
Honestly it's none of your business if his mother is okay with it and he is okay with who are you to say anything? Leave it alone eventually he'll stop
I know how it is when you are a step parent and you care about the child and you seem to cant do anything. SO all those people that say it is none of your business shut-up. You have other step-children is this the youngest. And has your husband or you talked to the child and asked him if that's what he wanted to do. It might be very well that he is the youngest.
I suppose if no one tells the neighborhood that he's still sleeping with his mommy, he won't be embarrassed. And I don't believe it is a bad thing...is she still single. Maybe it helps her sleep with one of the boys near her. I have a very good friend from childhood that has four children and all of them slept in her bed until they were in their tweens. Not all at once because they are all spread out, but at times she had two girls in the bed and her husband slept on the couch.
Now she has two boys and the one sleeps with mommy or grandma/grandpa and the other sleeps with dad or sometimes his own bed. They are 4 and 9. Her two girls are in their 20's now and they turned out independent and well rounded.
I don't really condone the whole co-sleeping thing. I personally always made my kids sleep in their own bed...now my girls sleep together and that's fine with me...but not in my bed (that's for me and my husband)...but others seem to do quite well with it. My girlfriend never had to get up in the middle of the night with her kids...she fed them right in the bed and barely missed any sleep. I on the other hand have been sleep deprived for a year with all my kids...but that's they way I prefer it and that's what she prefers.
I'm sure it's fine. It is probaby more for mommy than for your step son.
"We think he is too old and should be embarrassed."
This is the line of your post that is worrisome. Please, if you take anything away from all of the response, do not make your step-son feel embarrassed, ashamed, etc. Being close with his mother is a good thing, and if you shame him for this, it may cause a problem that was never there before.
My fiance thinks it is weird that my son, 4 years old, is constantly wanting my attention and affection. I think men are different about those kinds of things, and I am sure my fiance would agree with your hubbie. But, unless there is something inappropriate going on, I truly believe you have nothing to worry about.
My mother was a single mom. I slept with her until 10 yrs old, most times sleeping in her bed and occasionally in my own. Again, unless the step-son is acting strangely, siblings notice something strange, etc., then I am sure it is fine. I do think it is healthy for the boy to sleep in his own bed to encourage confidence and independence, but since he seems to have no problem sleeping in his own bed at your house, he seems to be doing just fine.
I really wouldn't worry about it too much until he gets closer to puberty. 8 yrs of age is still pretty young. Just make sure the boy is healthy physically and psychologically. Keep up your good parenting and best wishes to your family.
I'm 23 years old and will still sleep with my mom if my dad is out of town. He's 8 years old for goodness sake. If he was 13, that would be a different story. As long as there is nothing inappropriate going on, then I would relax about it. In a few years, he'll stop. He's just a sweet boy who loves his mom.
My boys are 20 almost 21 and 19 almost 20 and 13. all of them climb into bed sometimes and talk to me when I am almost asleep. we will talk and if one of them falls asleep I leave them alone. it doesn't hurt anything. is she normal? is he afraid to sleep by himself because of anything to do with the older siblings? is he afraid in his room? has he always slept with her or is this something new? is it because she does't want to sleep alone and wants to have someone else breathing beside her? has he asked to sleep alone and she won't let him? maybe some more questions to be asked before making demands. just my thoughts
I disagree with most of these posts. I think he is old enough to sleep on his own. Children his age need to develop a sense of autonomy and break the mother-son symbiosis. It doesn't seem very healthy for an 8 yr old child to be that dependent on his mother.
My niece slept with my sister until she was 4 yrs old. I told my sister that it wasn't healthy. My sister knew it too so she moved my niece into her own twin bed and my niece transitioned with no problem.
However, there is nothing you can do about it, even if you think it's inappropriate because you can't tell his mother what to do with her son. So if I were you I would just leave it alone.
I think it is strange. My newphew slept with my SIL until like 10, I don't know if he still sleeps with her, he is 14 now, but I think it is just plain weird. I mean if he has a bad dream or something bad happened during his day, etc. then I can understand, but every night is not right. What about the husband? He gets the couch, come on, how is your marriage supposed to function with a situation like that? My SIL's husband slept in another room, what is that?! Strange!