Very intelligent child who plays dumb- is there a way to get passed this?

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1

My daughter just turned 4 in November. She has always been ahead of her game developmentally and just recently has started reading. She has been frustrating me with her 'game' of pretending to not know answers. She did this when she was learning her numbers and now she is doing it with reading as well. She knows all of her sounds and MANY words. We have started working on rhyming words and blends. She KNOWS this stuff. Anytime she wants me to read to her, I do, but when we are reading and I know she knows a word I will have her say it. Just this afternoon we were reading some rhyming books, to help her understand word families. We had read the word 'Nat' (the boy's name) about 10 times, 8 of those times she read it on her own. Toward the end of the book after reading about a dozen words that ended with -AT she pretends to not know the word "Nat", or the word "sat" which she has known for about 6 months. I finally told her that if she continued to 'pretend' to not know things, that I wouldn't bother to read to her anymore, because I didn't think the game is funny. She constantly gets positive affirmation from others about being a good reader, so I am not sure why she is pretending to be dumb, but it is driving me crazy! She did the same thing (and still does it sometimes) with numbers. I had to catch her lying to me about the not knowing the number 7. She pretended not to know it, and then moments later, I asked what page we were on and without thinking she replied '7'. Do all kids do this, or does she just get her kicks making me mad? I might also mention that she speaks well above her age as well, and enjoys doing workbooks on a kindergarten level. So it isn't like I am forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

First 'so what happened' response
Some of these comments were helpful- but just to explain this a little better- I probably read 10 books to her a day, because SHE wants me to. Of those 10 books, I ask her to read a few words of one or two. I am not forcing her to do it. Even MY grandmother has to tell her "No, ____. I can not read you any more books" At holidays, she goes from family member to family member having them read to her constantly. I am a SAHM. She plays out of the 12 hours that she is awake, probably 10 of those hours. I don't expect any more out of her than what I know she is capable. If she asks me a question I don't dumb down the answer for her. The book that we were reading, the main character's name was Nat. I wasn't making her read the word over and over again in succession. I am glad you all think that I am too stringent with my child, but part of a mother's job is to teach their child, and if she is already starting to read, I am not going to not help her. She is very articulate. If she doesn't want to do something, eat something, wear something, or watch something, she lets me know. My question was do all kids do this, and I got I believe 2 people who said that their gifted children do. In regards to the woman who suggested that we read alternating pages, that is what we do a lot of the time, when the books have a few words she doesn't know. It seems that if she were not eating what was put in front of her, or leaving a mess around the house, then she would be expected that she do what she is capable of. She is capable of reading the words. She did the same thing a few months ago when she was expected to clean up after herself. All of a sudden, she was tired. So I told her, she cleans it or I do, and if I do I am throwing stuff out. I don't see how this is any different. If she were 2 years older and required to do homework, then her saying she doesn't know how to do it, when she does, wouldn't fly. I understand that she is 4, but if she is capable of accomplishing something, but instead wants someone else to do it, and to the extreme. Then I either tell her no I won't read to her, have her read to herself, or I read her every book she wants read (12,900+ pages this summer) and whenever I sit down on the toilet, and I am NOT exaggerating. I happen to think her learning to read is not the end of the world

2

my 2 cents would be to back off and if she doesn't want to perform don't make her. I could be wrong but it almost seems like she enjoyes the negative attention . Kids that age do struggle alot between wanting to be big kids and wanting to be babied. sounds like she did what you wanted to a point and then was done. also it does take some repetition to be 100 percent confident in what they know, not saying she doesn't have it down cold but she may lack the confidence to know she knows it. Maybe some perfectionist tendancies in you both?? don't sweat it and be glad she is so far ahead.

3

Why does this make you angry? Take a step back and relax. It's not like she's playing stupid about something that's a disciplinary issue (you know, there's an empty bag of cookies and she's got chocolate face and hands and pretends to have no idea what you're talking about lol), or is a middle schooler dumbing herself down to attract boys. She's four. She's smart. Don't inadvertently punish her for being ahead by never allowing her to not be ahead.

Honestly, reading should be nothing but positive. You know she knows the word, she's said it 8 out of 10 times already. So what if she loses interest in saying it the 9 or 10th time? She still knows the word, and will use it again when she feels like it. Let her control her own learning pace - when she wants to show off a bit, let her do so and praise her for it. And when she's not in the mood for that or just wants to be read to, take the lead from her and do what she wants you to do. Take the blessing at face value and enjoy it. There is no harm in not pushing her, and there is harm in letting this get you angry.

Edited to add:
Your response reinforces your disproportionate anger and frustration with her, and it's not good for you or her. If she's at home with you every day and you are spending 12 waking hours per day with her at home, perhaps that's just a little too much together time for you and she's aggravating you because she's curious, insatiable, or bored. Can you send her to pre-school a few mornings a week to give both of you a break? How about implementing set reading hours and then coming up with something else for her to do when it's not time for books? Are there other things she can sink her teeth into...computer games, puzzles, etc.?

And no, learning is NOTHING like discipline at this age. Really, you seem like a fairly intelligent woman, so read some books on child development so that you can re-set your expectations and work with your daughter accordingly.

FWIW, she sounds very bright but "gifted" is a different thing from what you are describing, so you may have a different picture of her potential. Maybe there's more to her ability to what you are saying, but two of my kids could read fluently, write, add and subtract at age 4 but they are considered just above average and learn easily, they're not considered "gifted." My 6-year-old can be a relentless talker and nag and has no filter between his head and his mouth so every thought he has is said out loud all day long, and I would go nuts if I were at home with him so I understand what it's like to be frustrated, but I still think that your thinking on this is misguided. Please learn more about the pre-school learning process, and seek some way to give yourself and your daughter a break from each other.

4

My DD will say, "I don't know" all the time (something I didn't think we'd hear til later) and I say, "I think you do. Try again" or if she really doesn't want to answer, I take it as she's done with our game and move on.

It would bother me more if she were playing dumb to teachers and classmates to be "cool". I think at 4, it's a control thing and if you don't feed it, it may just go away.

5

To sum it up: Yes. Kids do this. Especially gifted ones. My daughter did it also. When she starts doing thing, check what YOU are doing. The reason she plays "dumb" is because you are treating her that way (in her mind). It is too EASY for her so she doesn't understand why you keep asking her.... so she pretends not to know. She is probably just as frustrated as you are.

If you have a gifted child on your hands (from the rest of your description there are several markers), then you need to be careful about quizzing her on things that are "beneath" her mentally. Rather than continuing to ask her what she obviously knows (the word Nat, her numbers, etc) ask her something that will make her stretch her abilities. She will enjoy it much more, and so will you, when you see how much she can really do.

From one gifted kids' mom to another. ;)

p.s. If you want to really help her, try getting Teach Your Child To Read in 100 Easy Lessons. I did it with my daughter when she was 3 1/2 and she doubled up the lessons and was reading chapter books before she turned 4. After that, she did every summer bridge workbook I brought into the house, on her own. She self taught herself lots of things once she could read. Best thing I ever did for her. (She is 9 now and in a Challenge program for gifted and talented students).

6

She is only 4. Don't be so hard on her. Your expectations are really high. If she has already proven she can say the word, but then gets a threat of no more reading if she doesn't say it the amount of times you expect, that will just hinder her love of reading.

If you ask me you are forcing her a bit. She said the word 8 times but that's not good enough. You want her to say it again, and again… I'm not trying to be mean but I agree with Jennifer S. Take a step back and relax.

Your daughter sounds like a joy. I love that my son started reading at 4 y/o but I let him take the lead. When he pretends not to know a word we just laugh it off. He loves reading everyday.

By the way, what is wrong with pretending anyway? I think it's cute and funny. You know she knows it. Plus unless she is a compulsive liar I don't think you can really say she is "lying" about not knowing the number 7. =-)

7

I've had students who do this, they feel very pressured at home. They begin to act younger and younger in an effort to get relief from the feeling they are never quite good enough for their own parents
from families.com "Try to figure out what is going on. Are you pushing your will so strongly onto the child that the only way she can express her powerlessness is to do exactly what you don't want? If you take a step back and offer the child some reasonable choices, giving her back some of that lost control, can you change the behavior without more ongoing battles?"
here is some good advise on helping your preschooler prepare for future academic success http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/12/29/christakis.play.children.learning/index.html

8

She wants you to read her books, she doesn't want it to be a lesson. Stop quizzing her, teaching her and enjoy her being her mom.

Just my $.02.

:)

9

Hi Claire,

My daughter is also gifted and I concur with what some of the other mamas said. It's actually really challenging to raise a gifted kid, cuz many times they are 'unbalanced' - the definition of a gifted child (from an academic perspective) is that they are not aligned in their development.

My daughter would also do the "I'm so done with this activity mom. I'm bored out of my freakin' mind and would like to do something else. Since we can't I'm just going to say I dont' know until you become so frustrated that we stop doing this and I can go play barbies and polly pockets by myself" only it comes out "I don't know".

Also - she may LOVE to do workbooks - but not with you. And I don't say that to be mean. Kids get pretty inflexible about the roles they see others in (especially 'gifted' kids tend to be LESS flexible than others) and she may not want to 'perform' for you especially if she senses that you think she is 'smart' - I'm projecting a bit here.

We did 2 things.

1. If we did a book that was on HER reading level we alternated pages. More of a fun togetherness activity and less of a 'read to mommy cuz you're super smart'.

2. Every other book was a book that was ABOVE her reading level and I read to her while we sat together. I think when she was 4 "we" (I mean "I") were reading these series books: Rainbow Fairy, Ghostville and Junie B Jones which are books for Kindergarten/1st grade. But she like the stories better because they were more involved than the younger books. Every so often she would take a sentence or a paragraph of the harder book and then move back over so we were just cuddling and I would read.

The most important thing about reading is that you model a love of it. And that you are building in the habit of reading every day.

Good Luck.

10

Ditto everyone.

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
This is a VERY good article. About how to talk to kids.

11

back off.
Just read to her instead of turning everything into a quiz.
Let her just have fun.
The more you push the more she will push back.
I have a gifted child as well and sometimes they just get tired of the higher expectations.
no one said her learning to read was the end of the world.
The problem is you are pushing too hard, if you keep up this pace you will do one of two things,
1) she will rebel and it will be big
2) her creativity which is MUCH more important than academics will be diminished so badly she won't be able to get it back.

12

Claire, she wants you to be MOM and just simply read a friggen book to her without turning it into a lesson. She has not able to tell you this but her actions could not be more clearer. Just read.

13

I expect you're very proud of how bright your daughter is, and want only the best for her. And I hope you can find a way to ease off a bit on your expectations. My grandson has been reading and writing some words since 3, but we don't pressure him for more. He's progressing nicely as he feels led, and at 5, he's able to read fairly complex words, when he wants to.

I sense that your little girl wants to be a little girl, not a crackerjack student. Having you read to her is probably a time to feel cared about and connected to you.

She won't get the satisfaction she craves if you see it instead as a reading lesson. The more you drill her on words and numbers, the more reticent she's likely to become, and her need for tender care from Mommy will continue to grow, at least until she gives up on that.

She's much too young for homework – two more years will be nearly a third of her little life, and she'll be considerably more mature and capable by then. Having her read early won't give her much of an academic advantage, but lots of conversation and being read to will increase her vocabulary and comprehension. A large vocabulary is one of the strongest predictors of later academic success.

There's a really informative article that you might find helpful dealing with motivation and praise in children: How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I wish you both well.

14

I think sometimes we are way too hard on our kids.
She's 4. She's a kid.
You know she knows the words. You know what she can do.
What's wrong with her goofing off once iin a while? Why can't it be fun?
My daughter was a very amazing reader, very early on. In fact, she memorized stories, word for word and didn't even have to see the pages. Her memory was incredible.
So...when she began pretending she didn't know the words or it was obvious she could have told the story with her eyes closed, I would read to her and change things up. She was quick to correct me.
"Mommy, that word is beanstalk."
She also had great fun at all the different creative ways we found to tell a story in a different way.
When you have really smart kids, sometimes you have to lighten up and go with their creativity. It doesn't mean they aren't learning from it.
She's not pretending she doesn't know, she just wants it to be fun.
Why don't you ask her to think of words that rhyme with the word instead of making her say it.
Reading is supposed to be fun and you never know, she may come up with some good stories on her own.
I did that with both of my kids.
I let them tell stories and I wrote them down. Creativity is the best way to engage them.
4 year olds have the best gift for imagination. I think that's all your kid is expressing. Imagination and silliness and the fact that she wants to have fun with you.
If you KNOW she knows the words, why are you worried?
Please don't take this the wrong way because I don't mean it as such, but kids aren't trained circus acts. They are kids.
Yes, they should be serious about certain things, but my son thought it was hilarious to say f-a-r-t in place of every word that started with an F when we were reading there for a while.
I'm kind of sad you feel your daughter is choosing to be "dumb".
She's just being 4. Nothing you said about her sounds dumb to me.

Do you want her in college instead of the first grade?
Let her be 4 and silly. At least once in a while.

Best wishes.

15

My son is 3 and a half and very bright. He also wants to be read to constantly. He also does what your daughter does with pretending to not know how to do something. Example--he can put puzzles together like a champ. I'm not talking those easy little wooden puzzles. I'm talking the box of tiny little pieces that are for age 7+. Well he will dump the pieces on the table and say he needs help. I know he doesn't because he's put that very puzzle together more times than I can count--by himself. I choose not to get worked up by this. He's doing it for either attention or because he just doesn't have confidence in himself. I tell him he knows how to do it, that he's done it by himself many times before and then I go about my business. Maybe your daughter is pretending to not know a number or word to get a reaction out of you? I will never quite understand the way their little minds think, but life is too short to get annoyed over a 3 or 4 year old. Just simply ignore it and move on to the next page. Also, I understand some mamas on here can be harsh. I've asked questions in the past that got me chewed out. However, when asking a question, you have to understand you won't like all of the feedback. Sorry, I just had to say that because you seem to have gotten very defensive in your "So what happened?" Good luck and congrats on having such a smart girl!!

16

My daughter does this and she's 9. We homeschool and sometimes she'll act like she doesn't know anything. For example, she'll be doing fine with math multiplication and then she'll get to one she doesn't know. We figure it out together and then we'll go on to an easy problem--one she's done many times. And she won't be able to figure out the answer! Like 9 x1. She KNOWS that anything times one is that number, and she'll do it over and over but if we do 9 x 9 and she's forgotten the answer, later when we go back to 9 x 1 she'll add or can't figure it out. So I get what you're saying.

With your daughter I think maybe she's bored of the "game" by the end of the book. Her little brain is done thinking and she's already shut it off. It's her way of saying she's done. She's only 4 and she has a short attention span. Usually it's about 1 minute per age, so she's done after about 4 minutes of your "game" and is ready for another "game." Why not try to switch up the "game" after the first few times? If she pretends not to know the number seven, you could say "we'll, it rhymes with 'heaven'" and get a different game going. If she doesn't know the word "Nat" at the end of the book, you could say "did you know Nat is short for the name Natalie (or whatever you think)" and get her interested in the word again. Or tell her it rhymes with "bat" and "sat" and "cat" and make it fun!

My daughter gets her confidence shot when she gets an answer wrong or can't figure something out so she decides she's dumb and can't do anything. She does mentally shut down. If your daughter continues to do this when she's much older then you'll have to work with that. But at this point I think she's just bored of the game and you have nothing to worry about!

Good luck mama!

17

wow! What a touchy issue, responses, & "so what happened"!

At the very end of your question, I noticed the phrase "does she just get her kicks making me mad". That is your answer in a nutshell.

Why are you mad? Where's your mindframe/thought process at this point? As Shane B. mentioned, using humor goes a long way! Her response was an excellent viewpoint, & I applaud her words.

Toss a little humor into the mix, go with the flow....& if her antics disturb you, then put the book down & move onto something else! Lighten up, let your daughter blossom, & you'll be amazed at how much the anger is out of your life. I truly wish you Peace.

AND please know that I do truly applaud your desire to teach your child!

18

I honestly can't tell you the why. I run a daycare and have taught a LOT of kids to read. They ALL do this at one time or another. Most parents probably don't even realize they are doing it because most parents don't work with their kids that much. I even had a mom call me once to tell me she was excited her child could read when she had been reading for the last 6 months!

So on one hand, kudos to you for helping your child. But on the other hand, try and relax. No matter how much you don't want her to do this....she's going to. She's 4 and yeah, sure she likes to make you mad! They all do.

19

Many of these answers are disheartening. I believe that this is a mother who shared her experience and some of her troubles with this community honestly seeking some friendly advice and support and instead got judgement. Looking at some of the responses, I would say that some people greatly read into the above experience. Not only did you feel it was your place to judge in your hearts but you thought enough of your own human judgement to share it with a person that you don't know. These posts shouldn't be forums for judgement like this, but rather for encouragement, support, and advice. The comment in which someone insinuated that this child probably wasn't gifted is ridiculous...how could you possibly know that? We should spend less time in judgement and jealousy against other moms and dedicate that time using our experiences as mothers to help other women who are struggling through issues that we have already overcome.

20

I am going through the same thing with my five year old in both reading and Math. Last night she pretended not to know or recognize the number 15. Her class is required to demonstrate the knowledge for a Texas State review and the teacher doesn’t want to mark a zero even though my daughter knows her numbers. We go through the same thing with reading.She loves to talk about math problem and practice reading on her own, but then prentends not to know and refuses to repeat something we just covered even when we reason with her once she answers correctly we can move on to the next activity she wants to do. Last night we had a surprise shopping trip planned. We didn’t get to go.

I see you wrote this post several years ago and it seems most people want to criticize you rather than offering advice and if this is normal. I am glad to know that I am not the only parent going through this battle. Her teacher who has been teaching for over 20 years acts as though this is the first time she has witnessed this behavior.

We don’t know if its for attention, why she does this, and if there are any solutions to our problem/ issue. Would be nice to know if children grow out of this phase and if we can do anything to make homework and school work less stress for both our child and our own sanity. We are parents who care and want the best for our children. Anything positive/ inspirational helps.

Thank you!