Wow. I have little kids, so it's hard to imagine that I have any experience that would be helpful to you. I really like the suggestions about homeschooling and switching schools and even letting her pick her school. Regarding those choices, please evaluate your own calling and relationship with your child. I've seen homeschooling work well and poorly depending on the family, finances, personal giftedness of the parent, and parent child relationship. You matter, too, in this decision.
Be very careful about the drug options. There has been a lot of bad press lately about anti-depressants and their ability to actually cause suicidal problems. Another study showed that they were no more effective than a placebo. The most interesting research is that exercising 60 minutes every day might work better than anything. Every recent school and mall shooting was by someone on a psychiatric drug.
I don't know if your real delema is homeschool or public school. It almost sounds as if your daughter is having more issues with the socialization and that will continue no matter where she goes to school without help and could also lead to depression and reclusion issues. If I was you I would try to work on that and make sure you try to develop a stronger relationship with her before making major life changes. Try to get her away from the house. Do things with her that interest her or that other kids her age would be doing if you can. Hit the mall, window shop, try on clothes, get your nails done, have lunch, or if need be to get her out take her to the arcade. A day like that doesn't even have to cost much you can try on new styles or prom dresses without intending to buy anything and laugh and have fun. I have 3 sisters and at that age my mother got us into a ceramic class that we did alone together and I wasn't all for it when we started but ended up loving it and it is one of my favorite memories of her. It will give you a better idea of what is going on believe me. My stepson had school problems and we did a few outings like this. He found out that if he hung out in places where the kids hung out instead of alone at home he had no problem making friends. He ended up doing the internet schooling anyway to catch up and graduate with his class but he ended up being happier and we shared some experiences that brought us closer in the process. Good Luck!
For HER sake - do NOT homeschool! Clearly she has issues but avoiding the issues is not going to make them go away - they will only get worse. She needs to learn how to interact in the real world - unless you want her to live with you for the rest of her life. If there is something that is not working for her at that school, look at alternative schools in the area. Also, as a family you should encourage activities outside the home with her. Video games, TV, and laying around are not going to help her growth as a happy, responsible member of society. Make sure her therapist is doing everything to try and help her - and if she is not comfortable with that therapist, try another one - and another - until your daughter opens up to someone - there may be more going on than you realize, like depression.
Enabling your daughter by homeschooling will only hurt her in the end.
I did not read all the posts so if I repeat I am sorry. I was homeschooled for all of my school years and so was my husband. I like the concept of parents being in charge of children's education. That being said I would caution you about homeschooling your teenager because she "fears" school, or struggles with social issues. It might be beneficial for your daughter to try a new situation or get a new start and homeschooling might be a good answer with a strong support group. But giving your daughter the "practice" giving up on a problem doesn't provide good opportunities for her to "practice" working through her issues. I would try to get to the bottom of her issues...ie.. work too hard, bad teacher, not fitting in, bullies etc... Try to find the problem and sit down with her and get an action plan. Say, "How can we get through this? What do you need to succeed?" Give yourself a time line and find out what works. I think that this will give her confidence that a 15 year old (so close to adulthood) needs to learn to be able to make decisions and manage relationships as an adult. Who hasn't struggled with relationships in the past? How did you work through those things when you were a kid? If there is an abusive situation, that might be different.
I guess to sum up. Don't use homeschooling as an escape. Its a lot harder than it sounds.
Good luck, We are thinking and praying for you to make the right decision for your child.
I don't think this has anything to do with homeschooling or not - it is a mental health issue, and your daughter needs medical help. If she isn't telling her therapist, then you need to talk to the therapist about that and/or find another therapist or doctor that can break through to her. Do not ignore this issue. I don't know for sure about "social phobia", but I know about depression and how the longer it goes untreated, the more likely it will never be cured.
Those of you still on the homeschool issue, please take your debate elsewhere. This is about a girl who needs help, not a discussion of ideals.
I would really try to sit down and talk w/ your daughter. Since this is a major change in attitude, I wonder if something happened to make it change. You say she used to love school and now you can hardly get her there. Did another student do something to her or harass her every day, or maybe even a teacher? (Think about every possibility, including rape) I would do some major investigating. Also, I would go in and speak with the counselor personnally and find out why he/she did not follow through. That IS their job! But, definitely see if you can find out if something has happened or is continuing to happen to your daughter that has caused this change. If you can get her to talk, it may help this current situation and prevent worse problems in her future. I hope you get things worked out. Also, you could always try homeschool and see how it works. It may build a closer relationship with you and your daughter, so she may be more willing to talk. One other thing to consider, how does she feel about you having another child with your current husband? This could also be a factor. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!!!
It's good to hear that you will take time to homeschool your daughter even if you don't know much about it. I do have the thought that if you 'capitulate' to your daughter and not insist that she attend school because she hates it, she will get the idea that that will occur whenever she doesn't like something. So I can see how your husband thinks that she needs to 'stick it out'. But high school can be so frightening if you are not happy there and what kind of learning can you do if you are not happy? The answer to your dilemma is going to have to come from you after you hear both sides. I, too, am very frustrated by the lack of response from the school counselors. I personally think that they are so busy with their meetings and their schedules that they forget or don't make time for their job: listening to the students and helping them. Homeschooling is not easy especially with older students (high school)and your daughter is going to have to understand that she will have to have some kind of stucture and discipline to her schooling even her mother is doing it. She will not be able to do whatever she pleases whenever she chooses. You will also have to be very disciplined in your role as her teacher. You can give her a choice of getting her GED and then enrolling at a Community College,but then that would put her in another 'public, social' place where there would be some strangers or people that she doesn't know. Or she could just make another effort to continue at her school. Or maybe put her in another high school where she would meet other people that she might be more comfortable with. Do you go to her therapist's sessions with her so that you can talk with her before and after? Why isn't she comfortable with her therapist? Good luck..
My initial thought about this is that your daughter is really crying out for help. I am wondering , if she really liked school up until this year, what has happened to cause this:? It may be worthwhile to walk backwards over the past months and really think about incidents that could have caused a change. Even ask her. But be preapared to listen for small clues.
Second- find a new school. Search out other possibilities. Your daughter needs loving helpful adults in her life that she DOES feel comfortable and safe with other than you.
My oldest daughter who is only 10 has had her worst school year every this year as well. A HUGE change. We have addressed teacher and principle and councelor. She has asked me to home school her. She is seeing the councelor who is very loving and my daughter looks forward to talking to. It has helped. We are also seeking another councelor outside of school on the school councelor's advice to specialize in anxiety. I believe both our daughters need to learn some coping skills, some tools to help them get through the really rough moments especially when they are not with us or at home.
Good luck. I feel for you as I truly understand how painful it is to see you daugther sad and fear for the future.
I do know of a couple of families with children who have social phobia. However, if your daughter hasn't had many problems up until now - SOMETHING ELSE may have happened. Try to get her to talk about it - listen to her; don't critize or interrupt. Let her know that you care about her and that something must have happen that got her to "hate" school and people. FOUND OUT!!! I feel that if you pull her out now - it is just adding to problem and whatever changed her attitude toward school will stay "bottled up". DON'T LET THAT HAPPEN.
It sounds like something happened socially--she had a falling out with a friend or is getting picked on severely, or something along those line. Teenage girls can be incredibly cruel. I also wonder if she just isn't bored.
Homeschooling, at least in the interim, is not the worse idea. Get her back to being herself and then see if she wants to go back to school next year. The daily anxiety attacks can't be good.
If I were you I'd make her sit down and give you answers as to why these things are happening. She's almost 16 years old and should be able to tell you why it is that she hates school and why she's acting the way she is. School isn't the same as it used to be and kids can treat others so badly without anyone doing anything about it. You need to get to the facts and see if there's anything you can do about it to make her feel better about herself.
I had issues when I was in school too and it was because I was treated badly be other kids because I was shy and an easy target. I would've loved to be homeschooled because they all made me feel like I was a worthless piece of garbage and I was very depressed about it. I wish my Mom would've told me back then that when I graduated I would probably never be seeing any of these kids again and that they really didn't matter as much as I thought they did.
It sounds like she needs a better schedule and more activities to keep her busy when at home. I don't allow my kids to lay around and watch tv or play video games. Take an interest in what she's interested in and find things that she can do or you can do together. I always tell my kids that if they are so bored that they need to lay around that I can find something for them to do. They get busy real quick because they don't want to help me clean house.
Another thing might be to have her try to get a job. Maybe if she had a job and was around different people she'd fell differently. Or start looking into colleges. Maybe a goal and something to look forward to would motivate her or help her to realize that life isn't all about high school. Go and visit a college and help her to realize that it's all different people and a whole different life.
If you do decide to homeschool her I would go through an Academy like Connections or MN Virtual Academy so that she has specific lessons and assignments to do each day and has a teacher to answer to. She'll also get a diploma from them. Make it very clear to her that it's not going to be just sitting around the house doing nothing.
I homeschool my kids and they have to be up dressed, beds made, hair and teeth brushed and done eating breakfast by 9 am so we can start school. Homeschooling isn't quitting school, it's doing school at home. We belong to a homeschooling group that gets together 1-2 times per month so that the kids have friends their own age that are also HSing. We also have them in sports and my daughter is in dance. They get plenty of interaction with kids but it's structured and appropriate.
Hope this helps.
Best Wishes,
Jennifer
I can't really give advice, but I can share from my own experience.
When I was in high school I had really bad panic attacks, so bad that I thought I was having a heart attack everyday, and spent most of the time in the nurses office. One doctor said it was all in my head (and was mean about it) and the other said I had severe anxiety and was experiencing panic attacks. I spoke with a psychologist once a week (whom i really didn't feel comfortable with by talking to him about EVERYTHING, kind of like your daughter) and learned to deal with my panic attacks with a workbook (so i wouldn't have to take a pill), but for school they had a tutor come to my house 3 days a week. (It got to a point where I was almost agoraphobic.)
I feel like I learned more from my tutors visits than I had learned while at school. I really liked to write and she was encouraging and gave me college level assignments, and tailored our lessons to incorporate my interests. Eventually I eased back into the scheduled school program and graduated with my friends.
So it could be a temporary thing.
Also, I used to manage a store and one of the girls who worked for me was homeschooled through out high school pretty much because she had problems with some people she went to school with. She still had other classes she left the house for, like voice lessons and dance, and was a social person. Even though she did not take lessons at the high school, she was still nominated one year for Homecoming Queen/Princess. She laughed, as did I, because she didn't even think it was possible.
Also, sometimes there are tax breaks given when it comes to homeschooling, though i am not entirely certain how it works.
I've had chronic anxiety and panic attacks for 11 years, and I'm a high school teacher. I do not have social phobia, but I do panic because of social situations fairly frequently. In my opinion, IF she can at all stick it out, it might be worth it to her to do so. While I suppose she could spend the rest of her life avoiding society, that's really not an option that will likely make her happy. Is there a way you could scout out her school and find a place for her to go when it's just too much? A supportive teacher/guidance counselor/administrator--someplace she can be that is acceptable to the school where she can have a safe place? I guess in my opinion, yes, she could homeschool, but where does that put her after graduation? If you do opt to homeschool, I would consider some pretty serious therapy, since most people need to be able to function at least a little in society (phone calls, even) in order to make a living and be independent.
Marijo: wow tough decision, homeschooling should only be done if it done well, some who homeschool, allow the child to keep sitting around the house and not do work at all, and it creates in them even more so of being unsociable, what will she do when she is an adult and has to work ? will she be able to face the world, ? or should she face it now ? with the help of a school system, we all go through tough times at school, and homeschooling was not an option when we grew up, we faced many fears, as many of todays youngs ones do now even more so, maybe you can work something out with the school, but sometimes allowing the circumstance to be fed, she will learn to never face it? is there a way you can accomodate her at school? or set it up so she is put into a smaller study group , while at school? and slowly adapt in ? i dont know, i have seen some very bad homeschooling done to children, and i do strongly believe that if you will homeschool, to keep a schedule just like school, wake up certain time, do school work, just like school, if this is possible it might be a good idea, however, i would work with the school and see to what degree they can work with you for the next two years, she is soo close why quit now, she will have so many more opportunities while being in school, to do stuff, or get over her fears, any way , i hope for the best for you and your daughter, and keep smiling, and talk to her, she seems, to mabye need your attention? maybe taking a few days off school once a week or something will help, have her spend the time with you , or who ever is at home ? deb s ,
Dear Marijo, I am a 70year old grandmother and have gone ith one of my kids with the same problem, we stuck it out and had her go to counselors, but thy really don.t car sometimes, you have to find the right person for your daughter, one she can "click" with. Anyway, my daughter is doing fine now and has a family of her own. I have a 15 year old grandson who is doing the same thing as your daughter, only his grades were slipping also. We found a psychaiatrist who finally brole throuh and Eric has deepseated anger issues about his fther deseting them and whn she remarried and they do have nother child he feels like "thrownaway" and not ciunting anymore. Maybe because you are trying to have anothr child with your husband (who had no children) she feels abandoned. We learned alot abut teenagers with working (yes me too) with him. Also she might need some anxiaty medication. My grandson is on celexia and it does wonder. I hope you solve your problem. Just trust in the Lord also. We have gone through insluding suicidewatch but we all are still ok. By the way I am on celexia also and my daughter, apparently it is an "bad connection" in the brain,but this keeps you n an even keel
About homescholing I am not sure that is your best option. I lived across from an homeschiling family, and the children were not even friends with neighborkids. Always just their family. You need interaction. I'll pray for you. If you like further talks or need to vent. Let me know through Mamsource and then I.ll contanct you personnally. Good Luck Anneke
Wow Marijo, lots to think about!
Have you cornered her teachers to see what her participation is like in school or to see if they have seen anything happening around school or in the transitions in the hallway?? There may be some bullies harassing her at that time. Ask EVERYONE! Your daughter is as important as your health, and now they say to take that into your own hands to get the right answers! Has she gone to any parties that something could have happened? Emotionally or physically???
Does she take an art class?? Sometimes the class can bring out some of the answers as well. Even if she cant tell you with words sometimes the art can explain a bit more.
Sounds like some journaling might help as well. Get her a journal or sketch book that doesnt have lines, it might encourage her to draw - even if she doesnt draw well - as well as write.
Another school may be the answer if questioning her teachers gets you some answers. And check out that counselor! Is there a different one there that she could see? What staff are in the lunchroom at her lunch time? Maybe they can tell you something or keep an eye out.
Good Luck, hopefully it will be a 'short phase' of some kind.
You need to find another therapist for your daughter, one that she feels comfortable with. If SHE and the therapist agree that her parents are necessary, they should be encouraged to participate. Keep looking until you find a therapist she is comfortable with, preferably a psychiatrist at a reputable institution. This is more than an attitude problem. My daughter experienced great success at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, MN, beginning when she was about the age of your daughter, where she was allowed to speak freely with a psychiatrist and she was assured her confidentialities would not be shared with her parents. My husband and I were not invited to participate and have had a good relationship with our daughter who is now 37 years old with a husband and two children. I believe she was helped to gain insight into her relationship with her parents and helped to develop appropriate priorities in life. She resolved her fear and distaste for being with strangers and in crowds. Homeschooling does not seem to be the answer for your daughter as it would only foster her phobias.
you could look into iq academy. It is like homeschooling, but you dont do the work. Your daughter would be enrolled through iqacademy and have teachers. It is high school over the internet! She turns her work in via the school website. She is then able to learn at her own pace but you dont have to do the work. :)
I have a friend who is in year 2 of this program, she started her sophomore year. She is affliated with Waukesha North so if she wanted to take band or something like that she could do that there.
i dont know much of the nitty gritty details but you can go to the website: www.igo2iqacademy.com
HI Marijo,
We homeschool our 13 year old. Homeschooling could be a solution but there are other things going on it sounds. You will need to be able to find out what's going on for her. Ask her what she needs. What's changed for her? Don't lecture just make sure she has an opening to talk.
Best of luck,
Sherry http://www.YesToSuccess.net/Sherry
helping families with health and wealth for 12 years
hi marijo, i am a single mom, an d have been homeschooling our third year now, my son is ten. I do not know your beliefs or morals spiritually or elsewise, but to be respectful, i will only say, that being you are married, my understanding is you two agree first on the final choice. on the otherhand if you are the one to decide, then, perhaps, give it a try. there are wonderful websites and encouraging groups available to support you at this stage. as for your daughter, even, just schooling on a less structured schedule and focusing on a learning inspiration of hers may increase her confidednce, to some point. my son and i have taken it to the level of vo,unteering some quaters, he is very social. and enjoys helping elderly and special needs children in his young experiences. he also freeely enjoys expressing his talents when opportunity arises at the daycenter we helped at.
as a single parent, we have had our share of family troubles, and or situations, where slowing it down, and reading or just learning about how tohandle our emotions or feeling appropiately is a learning experience for health, spiritual, and family/inidvidual well being purposes. life and learning need to remain an interest, for the children, at all ages, and improving in any area needed is always beneficial for them if it seems to be a need the parent can certainly learn with them. sometime its just time with mom, or a break from... something to open up their door to discuss, an issue that will free them for longterm. life is short, and we as parents, need to attend to out children at any cost, and truly if they are trouble to some extent, by all means nothing is more important, than loving them right where they are at, right now, to heal a wound physically, spiritually, or mentally. its worth our every effort of love we can offer.
hope this helps, [email protected] if you want to ask or talk about it further.