First of all, I am not trying to stir the pot here. I'm not trying to offend anyone, or start a debate.
With that said, I am becoming increasingly annoyed with a certain situation lately. I have a 14 month old son. I have tried to keeps things as natural as I can. I don't use chemicals, keep him away from harmful plastics, cloth diaper...the list could go on. When people see this (by people, I mean other woman who do things naturally) , they begin to ask if I am still breastfeeding. I say "No, I've never breastfed." I have been insulted, told I was doing the wrong the for my child, and been judged and disapproved of. I won't get into the numerous reasons , why I couldn't breastfeed. That's right, I couldn't. I've been told many time by mothers, that there's no such thing as a mom who can't breastfeed. Not true!! There are real medical reasons, why woman can't. I do believe breastfeeding is the best, but I also believe people can do whatever they dang please. I'm sick of people who assume you're a bad parent if you don't breastfeed. As you can tell, I've encountered this A LOT. I don't feel I need to go into my whole medical history, to justify my choice. BUT, I do think it's incredibly rude and I have the right to defend myself. How do I respond to these woman?
I had a breast reduction at 17, and could produce very limited milk for my daughters. I did so because I felt incredibly pressured. It drove me nuts being attached to a pump every other hour of every day. Neither daughter would latch because my nipples weren't ideal after being surgically reattached. So, I did what I could. Some women simply cannot breastfeed for many reasons. I just tell other women, if they they start a "holier than thou" roll about breastfeeding, I did what was best for my child and for myself. If they keep up with the BS I smile, say "have a nice day" and leave. Don't subject yourself to judgement and other women playing the "my dick is bigger than yours" game. They are just being callous and non-compassionate because they are too ignorant to know any better.
Oh, wow!
I guess, I would just say, "I can't believe you just said that!" and walk away!
You should never have to justify yourself, or feel guilty for not being able to breast feed! I wanted to, but was unable to also. No one has ever put me down for it. If they did, I would have said just that! My children are all grown and healthy, and no one would ever know whether or not I breast fed them!
Sometimes people who want to appear knowledgeable, make themselves look so ignorant!
I just ignore them. I wasnt able to, either, and it really sucks that they have to be so hurtful about something so personal. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with them, too.
Just IGNORE them and their judgmental views. NO MOM IS PERFECT. Period.
We do what we can.
I breastfed both my kids until my kids self-weaned. But I have no problem with women who did not. The main point is that a child feeds... and grows healthily. Breastfeeding or not.
And it really irks me too, that other women are judgmental that way, towards Formula feeding Moms.
If you have the need to say anything to them, just say that you had medical problems and could not breastfeed, and that is PERSONAL. (it is really none of their business and you should not have to explain yourself nor your medical reasons why you couldn't breastfeed). NO ONE'S medical history, has to be 'advertised' to other women... for not nursing.
Hugs.... don't listen to them. Do not let them make you feel guilty.
They are NOT perfect either, certainly, with their myopic opinions.
all the best,
Susan
Just dont answer. I Bfeed both my kids. My sister is expeting her 2nd baby and she dont plan on Bfeed again, When they ask if she Bfeed she dont answer just say you dont feel comfotable to answer.. I dont think is anybodies bussiness. But if someone ask your opinion thats different.
GOOD LUCK.
I would say "medically I can't breastfeed so rather then starving my child to death I chose to formula feed"
Wow, Michelle, you do sound like a conscientious mom.
My favorite response is to simply smile and say something like, "Thanks for your advice. I'm sure you mean well. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" Say this in a light, friendly, cheerful voice – no irony is usually required for even the densest inquirer. It's kinda fun to watch the blush that often starts at the collar and creeps up into the cheeks.
I'm sorry you couldn't breastfeed. How awful for those women to try to make you feel bad. Even IF they were right to say those things (which they are not) it's not like you could do anything about it now; he's 14 months old (I breastfed and all the literature and doctors assert that there is no nutritional benefit to breastfeeding after 12 months).
In my experience with rude comments (my daughter is adopted and my husband is disabled) the best response to rudeness is a question. It always catches the rude person off guard and in thinking of their answer, they usually realize how intrusive and ignorant they have been. I would caution you to be the better person, though, and not be rude or hostile in return. That just makes you look bad and makes them feel superior. Besides, it's just not the way God wants us to be.
With that said, I can think of two good responses for you.
He's 14 months old. What are hoping to accomplish by saying these things to me?
Have you stopped to think about how hurtful you are being to me? You don't know my reasons for not breastfeeding, but if you did, you would know that what you are saying is cruel.
Try not to let it get you down too much. There are rude people everywhere, and if it weren't breastfeeding, they would find some other topic to lecture you on! I would avoid those people if I were you.
Be proud of yourself for trying to be the best mom you can be.
~Amanda
You are right, it is none of their business and it is rude for them to comment. However, like Peg, I wonder if you're upset by their comments because you do wish you could breast feed and their comments open the wound of not being able to breastfeed. Perhaps there is a way that you can deal with your own grief over not being able to breastfeed and then what other people say won't matter so much. One of the reasons I make this suggestion is your comment that you have the right to defend yourself.
Yes, you do have that right but why do you need to defend yourself. You know that you are doing the best that you can do. What does it matter what anyone else thinks? Perhaps you're still defending yourself to yourself on some level?
I suggest that wanting to bf and being unable to do so is a situation that needs to be grieved. Focus on your loss, cry about it, talk about it with someone who understands and cares about you. Unexpressed grief can cause anger. I suggest that once you've fully grieved, what others say won't be so upsetting to you.
I just saw your "so What Happend." Why are you accepting their guilt projected onto you? You have a choice on what you take on and what you don't take on. Why do you get angry? Anger always covers up some other emotion. I agree with you. I don't think it's guilt.
Back again. I don't understand why you have to explain that you don't feel guilty. Something is going on here that has nothing to do with others comments. I'm reminded of the saying, "me thinks he protests too much."
It sounds like you want to make a comment to put the other person in their place. Have you considered the possibility that the other person is thinking that since you are doing all the other "mother earth" sort of things that they are, without thinking, making a comment out of surprise. I've put my foot in my mouth more than once and have appreciated the other person's grace at either "not noticing" or saying something that puts me at ease. Communication is a 2 way street. If you respond in anger then you've perpetuated a negative comment. I would prefer peace for myself. Why stoop to their level?
You don't have to make a comment. In fact no comment at all is a way of letting the other person know that their comment was not appropriate. A put down comment makes them uncomfortable. What is the purpose of doing that? Does it make you feel better? Or you could say somthing like, I'm not able to bf which would elicit understanding from them.
There is too much anger in the world as it is. Deal with your own pain without causing other's their pain. Please do not assume that they are intentionally trying to hurt you. Yes, it's possible, but not likely. As other's said, some people are rude. That's their problem and shouldn't be yours. How does being rude back help? Two rude people does not a happy world make. I'm not saying that you're wanting to make a rude remark. This statement is in response to some of your answers.
You may not feel sad that you can't breastfeed but I feel empathy for you and your pain. My mother couldn't breastfeed and my daughter had difficulty when she tried. Both of them had inverted nipples. I could never get pregnant. Maybe I'm projecting my grief on you? I don't know. I do know that I don't understand your need to defend yourself or why others thoughtless and sometimes rude comments cause you anger.
Life is what it is. Each of us has the responsibility to choose how we react towards it. You do not have to take on their comments as judgmental ones towards you. You do have a choice. I was in my thirties before I realized that I do have a choice over how I react to other people and the way other people act towards me has more to do with who they are than who I am.
I also had horrible trouble breastfeeding and there is NOTHING someone else can say to you that could make you feel any worse than the guilt you feel yourself for not being able to breastfeed. That is exactly what I would say too!
---oops, just read your 'so what happened'. Id still say it to make them feel like crap. ;)
I don't know that there is an answer for this. People who breastfeed seem so far out there to me it's like they join some sort of cult. They don't just do it and enjoy it for themselves. They have meetings and whole groups and they seem to lobby from mom to mom trying to make us all believe it's the best way. That's a load of crud. My one child I never breastfed had the healthiest baby and infanthood. She was a very normal child as well. I hated breastfeeding. I was and am a very affectionate mother and grandmother. I love giving and recieving hugs and kisses. But I HATED having anyone hanging off my boob.
Good for you for not feeling guilty and feeling good about your choice. This may be somewhat of a stereotype, but I think many women who lean towards that natural lifestyle do tend to be those who breasfeed and I've found that a lot of women who breastfeed don't know how hard (or impossible) the situation is for other mothers. That being said, they still have no right to make you feel bad, but sadly, I don't think anything you say is going to make it any clearer to them. I think that you just need to be as blunt as possible and say something to the point like I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the choice I've made...and move on. It would be really hard to continue to hear negative things and I feel for you, but you know what's right and you're doing it, so at least you have the moral high ground, right!? ;) I know, I know, easier said than done! :)
You don't owe anyone an explanation but should feel entitled to give a good "shut-up" answer to anyone who would be so rude to project their opinions to you.
Personally, I really don't let other's opinions get to me cause mother's are SO judgemental about EVERYTHING, not just breastfeeding.
But I would probably try to come up with a simple thing to say that shuts the other person up and leaves them thinking that they crossed a boundary they should not have. You don't have to be rude to do this. I would probably say something along the lines of every mother tried their hardest to do EVERYTHING perfect but sometimes choices are made to accomodate the needs of a family that are PERSONAL.
If they ask and you have answered and they still harp on you, just ask them, "Why does it matter to you? I do not care what you do with your child, so please stay out of my family choices."
I just think some women are so convinced their way is the only way, they forget there are many ways to raise children.
They need to learn to MTOB Mind their own business..
Stare at them blankly and say, in a very non-commital voice, "hmm...I've found a lot of people feel the same way you do..." then change the subject. If they press the issue, say "well, look at the time, lovely talking to you, I have to go now". My approach would be just don't get into it with them. Smile, nod, then walk away and keep doing what you're doing. Although you have the right to defend yourself, self-righteous people like the ones you're encountering, will take that as you feeling guilty and being defensive. NOTHING you say or do will change their minds or make them think you're doing the right thing. You're actually just giving them more opportunities to feel self-important and RIGHT. THEY'RE the ones who can't see other points of view and are stuck in their own little boxes. Take pity on them, won't you, and leave them to their own shortcomings. Then go home and keep doing what you're doing.
I couldn't agree with you more!!! Women have gone ballistic on me for not breastfeeding. I don't get it. When did this become such a huge issue? I have had a laundry list of comments made to me about it. Anything from "ohh its a type of bonding you just can't get with feeding them a bottle" to "You are feeding your baby toxins by giving them un-natural milk." WTH? I was told by my doctor to stop breastfeeding. I don't regret not being able to, my baby and I bonded just fine, she is smart, happy, and healthy. And when a woman makes a rude comment about me not breasfeeding, I simply respond with a smart a** comment. This to me is almost getting to be where you need to answer "I plead the 5th" or else you risk getting berated, and what a shame that is. I received a ton of advice from my mom friends who did breastfeed (while I was trying) however they never once made me feel like a bad parent like some other mothers have. Stay strong!
I would just tell them how incredibly rude they are and walk away. Formula fed babies are just as healthy, happy, and bonded as those who are breast fed.
I would just say, "Well that's the choice I made, I am very content in my decision." and then I would change the subject. I also was a non-breastfeeder (I tried, but my son never latched on properly.) There are SO many women who tried to push it on me too, but I realized early on that my son is healthier than their children and seems to be more well-adjusted as well. Does this have to do with not breastfeeding him? Who knows, but I figure he hasn't suffered from being bottle fed. Congratulations on your choice to NOT breastfeed. Suzi's comment about it being more like a breastfeeding cult is SO true! :)
It sounds like it's an issue of how to change the subject when talking to this type of person. Maybe just say "No, I'm not breastfeeding, but you should talk to my friend ___, she told me all about her experience." Or find some other way to change the subject back to solid food or any other baby topic you'd rather be talking about. What's done is done, what do they want you to do about it now?! As your child gets older, the questions will stop.
Not everyone is a fanatic. I did breastfeed, but it wasn't easy and I was criticized for it. I had a pediatrician who asked me if my family was forcing me to do it and a nurse who was mad because my baby wouldn't take a bottle of pedialyte. I don't claim that it made my son healthy or helped with any of his medical problems.