My son is having a hard time with impulse control. Normal for someone just turning four, but it has become an issue in class. He loves to "smack" kids as he's running past them on the playground, or "thumping" them on the back in class. Teacher says he's looking for attention and isn't meaning to hurt anyone. However, they've been unsuccessful in stopping the behavior and are just now coming to me for intervention. Right around the time when a parent called me at home to say, why is your son picking on mine? My son can articulate, this is wrong and I am sorry, I won't do it again, but he does. We ask him why and he says it's because that kid wouldn't play with him or be his friend. Teacher says he's so unpredicatable that the kids are becoming afraid of him. While it would have been nice to be included in the process earlier on, it is what it is. Does anyone have any experience with this? Practically no sugar in diet and he naps, not ADHD... we have a newborn in house, but he's been doing this long beforehand. I need help, and thank you in advance for your ideas!
HI Leigh,
My children are all long past the age of yours but I noticed you said you have a newborn but this started before that.
Children can be affected by a baby before it is actually born. Parents tend to behave differently even before the birth of a baby but may or may not be aware of it. I'm not saying it is a bad thing, please don't take it that way.
He may need to be reassured that he is still important and that he is loved and that the baby didn't change any of that.
Just a thought, hope it helps. :-)
I highly recommend EFT therapy for this. He wants to be respected, but needs to respect others like he wants for himself.
Love, Lezlee
Hi,
This sounds alot like my son. Jack was doing this in kindergarten (bouncing off others, crashing into them, hitting(but not out of anger), etc. His friends were becoming wary and not wanting to play with him, which made him very sad. We tried talking to him about it. His teacher and I, many times. By the time he was in First Grade it wasn't getting better, and other things started to show up. His drawings were chaotic, he'd be distruptive, etc. So...what we did was take Jack for a full HANDLE assessment. You can look it up on GOOGLE. There are practitioners all over. We have a great practitioner in Marin, Carolyn, who gave us about 15 exercises to do (some taking less than a minute) and it has made an INCREDIBLE difference in my son. I can't explain it all here - but it's a drugless method of making strong connections in the brain to help support any weak systems (which they can determine in the assessment). The assessment, by the way, is fun, and my son never feels like there's something "wrong" with him. He's just doing these things to help him focus, feel calm and centered, and so he will be a better freind and do great at school. If these things aren't dealt with at this age, you will be trying to help him as an adolescent (which will be ALOT harder). Hope this helps - we, and other families at our school, have seen excellent results with this. Cindy
My son used to have issues like this to. For him, it was simply that he didn't know how to make that initial connection to learn to play with someone. Luckily, he was at a small preschool where they could keep a good watch. The teachers learned to anticipate his behavior. They would intercede before anything physical happened. Then they would tell him what the appropriate words and actions would be and have him copy them. I learned that I needed to do the same thing at the park/playground/etc. He simply didn't know the "right" way. I had to have him practice with me on how to ask other kids to play. I don't know how big your preschool is, but if it is big, you might consider switching to a smaller environment.
Does he only do it during times where he could be highly stimulated, overly excited? (lunchtime, playground, transition from playtime to a quiet classroom) Is the classroom pretty noisy or is quiet and structured? Our experiences w/our own son had to do w/him being overstimulated ("dysregulated") and the key was finding ways to calm him down.
Hi-
Your son sounds just like ours. Our son is now 7yrs & at about 4, he started the same behaviour. It is definately an impulse control thing for our son & could also be for your son. He would do he exact same 'smack' & 'thump' hitting that your son does. It happened when he felt over-stimulated or when in line to go somewhere as he felt his 'space' was being invaded. As he has matured, it's gotten much better. It still crops up in school in the coat room when he's trying to hang up his stuff & other kids are done & trying to get out. He no longer smacks or thumps them, just gets angry. But he can now articulate to them to give him some space. It's a hard thing, cuz, some of it, they just have to mature & develop the ability to control themselves. Over the years, there's been a lot of talk w/our son about controlling himself. We set up a situation & then brainstorm ways to deal w/it or once he acted out we discuss how to better handle when it happens again. His preschool teachers could see when he was at the 'boiling point' & developed a cue to say to him to know he needed to calm down & take some time away from the activity or take deep breaths. He would choose a word (1 time it was 'belly button')& when they said it, that was the cue to him to get it together. It seemed to help. But mostly, it's been the fact that he has matured & can now tell people they're in his space or whatever else it is he's frustrated about. Sorry that I'm not full of many suggestions but I can definately sympathize w/your frustration & wanted to assure that it will get better over time as your son matures. Good luck!
I have a similar issue going on with my 7yo and I share the same frustration about not being informed earlier. Sit him down and tell him that it's not ok and that there will be consequences if this continues, also let him know that his teacher will be telling him if he continues.
Will the behavior stop right away? No, because it's been going on for a while already. However, one he loses privilidges/toys he will come to understand.
Also, make sure he has to apologize to the child he smacked/thumped/etc. That builds empathy and may change his behavior if he find he doesn't like to apologize. My girls really dislike apologizing to each other so they pretty much stay away from situations in which I would make them do so.
Hi Leigh, I have my own 2 boys with impulse control issues for a couple of different reasons. There are many reasons for impulse control that don't start or end with ADD or ADHD. You could do a google search on sensory integration dysfuction to start with. The ONLY treatment for this is occupational therapy (not drugs). Its great that you don't have too much sugar in his diet, and with my two boys, we do a high protein diet - Trader Joes sells a really great bread with 5 grams of protein per slice. Eggs, cheese, hardboiled eggs are really easy. I'm assuming your child is in preschool, and most preschools or teachers aren't too knowledgeable in anytbing that isn't "normal", so they probably won't be able to help to mucb. These hardworking people arn't knoweldgeable in these areas because there isn't to much training available. With many kids, sitting them down and making them say "I'm sorry" only wears out the words, and the kids don't really learn. Another thing you could try is getting one of those jogging trampolines and having him do 100 jumps before school. Another GREAT activity is to have him swing for 15 minutes before school. Hope this helps. Another source of information is PHP.com (parents helping parents) We have been in your situattion, don't worry, you will get through this. Good luck, and God Bless. SuzanneM
Hi Leigh,
Check out the book "the Out of Sync Child"
Dianne
We have similar challenges with our son (5 yo) who was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder by an occupational therapist. You might want to have one observe your son at school and perform other tests in their clinic for a diagnosis. We found a naturopathic product GabaCalm to be very helpful in toning down our son's sensory needs. Also, chewelry from abilitations is helpful.
Good luck!
Patrina
Just FYI... My sister is having this problem with her 3 yr old as well who is abou to turn 4 in two months or so. She also has a new baby sister that is 10 months old. It sounds so similiar. Your 3-4 old is acting out to get attention. If they can't get it in a positive way they will in a negative one. They do this subconciously and not purposely. Attention has shifted to the new baby which is normal. Try to set aside specific time for your 3-4 yr old and remind them how special and unique their love is. Books on emotions, hitting, and new siblings might help too so he/she knows what he is feeling (jealiousy) and why. We did a sibling class and they told my step son (6) to ask for attention when he is feeling left out. They told him he will never get into trouble that way but if he hits or hurts the baby or other children he will. Our baby is due anyday so I know we will be expieriencing the same things soon. Hang in there....
Wow, this should have been brought to your attention and dealt with immediately!! It's hard when you're not there to act quickly so he knows there are instant consequences for this unacceptable behavior. All you can do is tell him it's innapropriate and hurts them. My 3 1/2 year old boy hates to see anyone get hurt physically and this guilt trip, if you will, would really work on him. I wouldn't hesitate to shock him with an instant spank either (mine that is) if I saw him do something like this. Give your teacher or day care provider instruction to punish him, by your rules of course and as you see fit, immediately apon seeing the action. They have to do it since they see it. Time out, stand in a corner, have him stand in front of everyone and apologize (unless you think that would give him the attention he's wanting) or whatever you think will work. Also, you say you are asking him why? dont do that. It validates his reason in his mind. Just tell him there are no circumstances where this is okay. It doesn't have to do with the new baby, but it will affect the new baby soon enough if he doesn't stop.
sorry, no wisdom to offer here, only to say that my four year old does the same. we also have a 16 mth old boys who is the main target for my sons rough play. similarly my boy is not hyper, not much sugar, articulate loving and thoughtful even, but nonetheless far too physical. please share any ideas you receive. sadly my little one is now mimicking rough play and shouting. we have several systems/rewards to encourage good behavior, gentle hands, kind words etc but none fully effective.
Sounds like he needs stricter consequences.
If he really looses something he loves a few times (someone's attention, recess, dessert, a playdate,) he'll remember not to thump people anymore.
I would also try to address why he does it. If he just wants to be friends w/ the kid, explain that no one will want to be his friend if he thumps them. DO NOT in any way validate his behavior w/ comments like, "Wow, I understand why you would feel like thumping someone." Make him understand physical violence is totally unacceptable.
Then give him ideas (preferably a long list) on how to make friends and help him work on it. Set up some playdates where you can actively teach the kids how to get along if any scuffles should arise.
Good luck :)
I too have a son about to turn four in April that has a hard time controlling himself. Yes it is an age thing BUT, he needs to be consistently warned that this behavior is the wrong choice. A turning point for us (at school): he had thumped a friend on the head, he was forbidden to play at recess. I got a call at 10:15, which I didn't pick up until about 11:30. He had to sit by himself that entire time. When I got there he was sobbing trying to eat his lunch. I helped him pack up his lunch he said goodbye, then we went outside, where I had him sit down and tell me what he did. Then we walked home, I had a couple of discussions with him about what he did, his father had a discussion with him. We had already started taking away privledges (IE making cookies, going to the park, watching cartoons/movies). If I had gone to get him right at 10:30, I would never have had the impact that being excluded from the group play and lunch did. A day or two later he threw a brass ball (from a bedpost) at his sister. He immediately got a time out while his sister and a friend continued to play. This thumping stuff had been going on for about a solid six weeks, with warnings everytime he did it. But it was the timeout away from playing that did the trick. I would try this and have the school try it as well. If both sides are consistent and he improves, like if he has one really good day, where he knows he has really tried hard to keep his hands to himself, reward him, praise him: take him to his favorite park, etc. I wouldn't give him candy, but a reward he gets to hang onto for a while.
Good luck, Leigh....but remember to be consistent and if you see him thumping, go straight over to him and pull him from the play time, leave the place and take him home..he will get the message. Michele T
Hi, Try returning the favor, Smack him when you are walking by. If he doesn't like it to bad. Remind him about how he treats other people and if he doesn't like it then he has to stop.Tthat is why no one wants to play with him. Friends share play time with each other. He needs to stop and play nice at what the other kids are playing not just what he wants to play at. It is ok to give him back what he dishes out. Just remember your hand is bigger but you can use it in a small way. Marjean
Hi,
Maybe you could get a refferal from the pediatrician, and have an occupational therapist or some kind of therapist take a look and evaluate him. Some of them are very good, and they can help you to help him handle the situation better, and also help him control his anger. It is all a learning process.
Wanted to share a sigh of relief… Moms, check out sleep deprivation and how it effects our kids. LOVE my pediatrician!