The big "M" word!!! How long do you wait?????

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1

I just wonted to get a little poll of how long you guys think is long enough. I have only been with him for almost 15 months. Im just thinking that after two years if it hasn't even been brought up and is not on the table then im thinking it might not be going anywhere. When we first started dating I let him know right off the bat im looking to get married. I know its something I shouldn't rush but I do wont to start a life with someone. Im almost 30 and im not wanting to be past my child bearing years before I do settle down. I dont wont to bring it up my self because I dont wont to feel like im pressuring him. I really feel like that happened to my brother. But at the same time i dont wont to waste time. I feel like I dont have time to waste. I have never been married. I have been wondering for a while what is a good round about time length. Today with in a few hours I have herd two couples talk about they are just getting married and the were together for four years! On the other hand I have seen people date for 5 or 6 months and tie the knot... Im REALLY ready to spend the rest of my life with someone.....What is a proper amount of time to wait, and to know you are wasting time?

I really thank you for any input you may have. Thanks

2

It seems odd to me that after 15 months you don't know where his head is - what he wants for his future? If you haven't talked about it, you need to start. that isn't pressure, that's part of getting to know each other. If he feels "pressured" then he isn't for you. I'm not saying you need ot walk down the aisle tomorrow, but you need ot be on the same page with the direction of the relaitonship and you both need ot be happy about wha tthat page is. Saying "someday" isn't a good answer, if you want to be married wihtin a year for instance. Also wanting to be married is not the same as wanting to be married to HIM. Give that some thought. Good luck!

3

15 months is plenty of time to get to know someone and whether you are compatible for a lifetime, in my view. It's perfectly OK for a woman to raise the topic these days -- no need for him to open the conversation about his interest in marriage. If you want to marry him, have that discussion soon!

4

! :)

5

I was with my husband two years before we got married but I knew right away we would be married on day. My brother has been with his girlfriend 6 years and just recently proposed. I think it's different for everyone, just depends on how your relationship is. Just be honest with yourself, do you REALLY see yourself with this person for life? If you have doubts, don't do it.
I don't think you would come off pressuring him if you asked if he saw you guys getting married one day. Maybe he's wondering the same thing and doesn't want to pressure you? :)

6

You say you are really ready to spend the rest of your life with someone, but you don't say you love THIS man and want to spend the rest of your life with HIM. I get that you want to be married really bad, but it's not a one-size fits all type of thing. The relationship has to be right. Marriage is work. If you don't at least go in thinking that you've found "the one" (not just someone who will marry you), the marriage doesn't stand much of a chance. Your question seems to be how long should you wait before you bring up marriage, if he doesn't, but that question should come after you answer the question of whether this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life. It doesn't sound like the answer to that one is yes.

I think you are panicking needlessly, though I understand how you feel. I didn't get married until I was 33 (and certainly had no prospects at 29), and it was fine. I met him when I was 32 and we were engaged within the year. If you rush into something because you are feeling time pressure, you may find yourself single again just a few years down the road. Wait until it is right.

7

Um, my husband brought up marriage to me and we had only known each other like a month and a half! to be honest, his parents brought it up first b/c they knew he was already thinking it.

We got married about 11 months after our first date. We have been married going on 8 years now.

Now is the time to plan for your future. If you two are comfortable with each other, I'm amazed that you guys haven't talked about where you are heading yet. Who knows, he may be the kind of guy who never wants to get married or have children! That happened to a friend of mine who waited for several years for the man to speak up, and when he finally it, it was to tell her that he planned to be a bachelor.

You don't need to go proposing to him, but you do need to figure out what you want together. Just straight up ask him what his plans are, that you would love to get married and start a family within the next year or two and what his goals are.

Seriously, on my FIRST date with my husband, we asked each other what our 5 year plan was. Our plan was the same, to be married and have a child or two and be finishing up with college. That took the pressure off just by asking what our goals and plan was for ourselves, not necessarily with each other.

However, marry him because you love him, not just because you want to get married soon. It has to be the right guy, who will cherish you forever, who will also make an excellent father, who yearns to be a father some day.

He may not be ready for marriage, just yet, but if he isn't interested in the idea, then tell him goodbye so you can start fresh. There is no point wasting your time on someone who doesn't want to end up with you in the long run, or have similar goals as you.

Good luck!

8

I feel your concerns but why can't you mention it? I think there is a big difference between bringing it up and pressuring him. I don't think its fair to think if he never brings it up or asks he doesn't want to get married and you should leave him. Just ask him straight out one day how he is feeling about your relationship and where does he think its headed? Tell him honestly how you feel. Obviously, he heard you from the beginning so I'm guessing he wants to be married some day too.

Good luck!

9

everyone is different. To me, 15 months seems like plenty of time, but my husband proposed on our 1 MONTH meeting anniversary. We waited a year and a half to get married though because he was in the marines and was going to be deploying, so we waited. But, now we have been married for 8 1/2 years and I will say it hasn't all been easy, but we always work through things and we are still here and in love. He just suprised me with a love note yesterday that he wrote when he was at work. We were also younger. We were 19 when we met and 21 when we got married, so we were impatient back then. So, I think everyone is different and there isn't really a set time of when to get married.

10

I'll say ditto to my advice from your last question.
You have 3 kids.
You live together.
I think if he loved you enough to move in with you then he should love you enough to make it legal.
Do the right thing for your children.
You say "Im REALLY ready to spend the rest of my life with someone" but that doesn't mean this one is THE one. And if he's not, your kids shouldn't be living with him.

11

I see that you already have some good input. Do you want to get married - or do you want to be married to THIS man? Has he EVER said he wants you to be his wife? You are not happy, evidently, with whatever arrangement you have now. Maybe he is!

Talk to the man! You may not hear what you want to hear, but that's not as bad a thing as wondering and waiting and guessing.

The truth is that no matter how much you want to be married, there are worse things than being single. Find out if this fella is worth giving up your singleness for.

If he says he's not interested in marriage (or "not interested right now," which is just another way of saying he's not interested), you'll know for sure. If he doesn't want to talk about it, you'll know for a certainty that marriage to him is not going to happen any time soon, and that he wants to control the situation.

If he says you're pressuring him just because you want to talk about it, you'll definitely know he's not for you! Can you imagine committing your life to someone like that?

If you can't talk to him now, you'll have a miserable time trying to talk to him after you're married. Communication is such a crucial thing. You need to take courage and talk to him!

P.S. Since some other women mentioned a previous post of yours, I checked out your previous post. If I read it correctly, this man you're waiting for doesn't want your children's father around, and yet he's not too interested in being their father himself - as far as real, on-paper commitment to you and dedicated care for your children are concerned...? Sounds to me as if he would prefer to remain a boyfriend rather than be a husband and stepfather. Boyfriends have lots of privileges and very few responsibilities.

12

Start watching movies just before he gets home that will drop hints.
- 27 Dresses
- The Wedding Planner
- An Officer and a Gentleman
- Nanny McPhee.

Just be honest with him. He can't be mad at you for being honest. However, if he does agree that you are the one and its time, don't have a LONG engagement. I was engaged for 2y and it drove me nuts! I let him set the date, didn't want to pressure him, we were only 21y. I waited a year to start planning and had the whole wedding planned in less than 2m and then had to sit around and wait.

Megan

13

Well, in my case it was nine years. BUT I first met my husband when I was 17 and he was 14 - so we had some growing up to do! We finished collage, and we became engaged before he moved in with me, and we planned a 1 yr engagement. (Our 21st anniversary is coming up.)
One of my former co-workers got married after 1 week. Unfortunately the marriage only lasted 7 yrs (she had an affair).
Another of my former co-workers came from India, and when his Mom told him it was time to marry, he went home and married a girl he met for the 1st time 3 days before the wedding. The parents had it all arranged, and my friend and the girl had the right to refuse if they wanted to. He trusted his Mom to pick the right girl for him. To my knowledge they are still happily married.

14

Reiterating what others have said but you said "I'm ready to spend my life with SOMEONE." Did you mean "him?" I think so, but wanted to point it out. If you want to marry him and be with him for the rest of your life, tell him so. Say, "You know, I really love you and want us to get married. What do you think about that?" Then gauge his reaction. Be honest - if you want to be married in the next five years, say so. If you want to be married in the next two, be up front about it. He'll either agree or disagree about getting married. If he disagrees (for whatevet reasons) sit down and tell him that you do not think things will work out. If he agrees, but wants to be together longer, I do not think that is unreasonable.

My husband and I dated for four years before becoming engaged. About a year into it, I was ready for him to propose (I was 22 at the time). He said he would propose when ready (ie: when he had enough money to buy a ring). Although I told him I don't care about a ring, I just wanted to be married, blah blah blah, he said he would have never proposed with out a ring. Turns out his dad proposed to his mom without a ring and she still doesn't have one and his dad made him promise to get a ring for his future wife BEFORE getting engaged.

Talk to him, feel him out then you'll have a better idea of where you both stand.

Good luck!

15

LOL, you say you're ready to spend the rest of your life with "someone", like another responder said....are you ready to spend your life with HIM.
I totally know where you're coming from, I was 30 when I got married, and was totally under the impression 2 years before it was never going to happen. Then I met my husband, and we were engaged in 10 months. BUT it's because he was unlike anyone I had ever met, and I never doubted our relationship one time, from day one. Maybe that sounds a little fairy tailish, but I had been through alot of relationships where I just knew they WERENT the one for me, and ended for no other reason. It may sound cliche, but if it's meant to be, it will be.
If you feel like HE is the one, talk to him. By now you're mature enough to really know what you're looking for. And if it's him, then lay it out there. But if you're just looking for it to be someone, then move on.There is no "proper" time frame in my opinion.

16

What's wrong being direct? It's inconsiderate to expect someone else to read your mind. Tell him that you'd like to get married and wanted to see where he was on the whole issue. If he doesn't or isn't ready and doesn't know when he will be, then you have a choice to make.

I dated my husband for 9 months before he proposed (I told him after 3 months that I knew I wanted to marry him) and we had an 11 month engagement after that.

17

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you can't talk about your feelings with him, what chance does a marriage have? Your other post had him fretting about the kids father....looks like you both could benefit from more communication, less jumping to conclusions...maybe some couples/family counseling?

A person is who he is...and is not likely to change. If he gets freaked out by talking about commitment then he may not be the one for you. Maybe the situation with the kids father is a good intro...like 'you were upset when my kids dad came into the scene again. I like to think we're a unit - a family - and this whole situation has me thinking about our future. Where do you see us? Does this relationship have a future? Do you see us getting married? '. AT least his willingness to communicate his feelings about your baby daddy is a good sign.

18

I was with my ex-husband for 4 years before we got married. Obviously got divorced lol. Then I started dating my boyfriend and got pregnant 3 months later (although I do have to say I have known him just as an acquaintance for a number of years) and I knew we were meant to be with each other. Crazy huh.
Honestly there is no proper amount of time. You need to discuss it, and you can do that without "rushing" him into it. If you don't communicate everything you want in life, the marriage may not work anyway. Good Luck!

19

Some people don't want to rush into things.. my husband was one of those! He wanted to be absolutely sure about everything before hand... granted we got married after a year and a half, but he's Army so we had to rush things.

My parents were friends for almost 10 years before they got married. My mother-in-law and father-in-law dated for 14 years before they got married. They had 4 kids, and were very happy. They are married now, and very happy.

I'm inpatient though. I think that AT LEAST after 2 years if there hasn't even been talk about it, I'd walk! BUT... that depends on if you are in love with him. If you're in love, then you shouldn't even be asking this question.

20

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