I wanted to get your opinions on spanking. I was raised where I was never spanked at all by either parent and I had decided not to spank my child. My daugher has recently started misbehaving and she is kicking us and making a fist and hitting us. I have taken her toys and tv time away as a punishment but she still keeps acting up. I have tried time outs also but she doesn't respond to them. She just gets up and runs or throws a huge tantrum. My husband thinks that the only thing that will work is spanking. He was raised where his mom would beat him and his brothers with anything within reach. I have talked to a few people at work and even my daughter's teacher who all say that they spank their kids. I really feel that I don't want to spank my daughter but my husband feels the opposite. I really would like to hear some other opinions on this issue. Thanks!
My opinion is that physically hurting someone, especially someone much weaker than you, is never okay. I really don't think it teaches any lesson other than "might makes right." Your daughter also needs to know that hitting and kicking is not okay. You need to physically stop the behavior if you can by holding on to her or blocking her. Then, she needs to be taught words to put to her feelings. You can ask, "Are you feeling really angry and frustrated right now?" as an example. Ideally, you want her expressing her angry emotions with words or finding ways that will calm herself down. As calming techniques, you can teach her to count to 10 or how to deep breathe.
Age 3 is a very tough age. She is testing her new will power out, which is very common for that age. She needs to know not only what is not acceptable behavior, but also what is the appropriate way to express herself. Angry emotions are normal. Frustration is normal. But, she needs to know hurting other people is NOT okay. If you spank, you are only teaching her the opposite.
Spanking is one of those issues that really can cause heated arguments because people feel so strong one way or another. For me, I was spanked growing up and yes, I "turned out fine", BUT I feel spanking is the easy way out. It's too easy for me to spank when angry, so I reserve it for life or death situations when I'm not angry but scared for my kids - such as running out into the street. That way, the spanking actually means something. As a general rule, though, I don't spank.
As for the tantrums, both of our kids, now 4 and 2, went through bouts of tantrums. We resorted to holding them firmly in our laps so they couldn't hurt us or anyone else until they were calmer. (We would ignore them in our laps until they calmed down.) Once they started calming down, we'd have them try taking deep breaths. Believe it or not, this really helps with our two-year-old. Once they were calm, then and only then did we try talking it out. In the middle of a tantrum, they can't learn anything. The toughest part is holding them still while they're thrashing about, but I'd rather hold them in a bear hug so they can't hurt anyone than spank them. This won't work for all kids, but it helped us a lot and has helped our kids figure out how to calm down when upset.
Amanda - I was spanked growing up and I'm a spanker now. Although, it is more for times when my oldest (just turned three) is getting out of hand. I mainly do the counting thing (By the count of three you'd better be in bed ... one (wait a few seconds), two (wait a few seconds), three ... then, I'd follow through spank her bum once firmly (not violently). I'll tell ya, I've only had to "spank" her the first few times and she nows listens to me b/c she knows what the consequence is. Another alternative to spanking that I've found helpful (timeouts only sort of worked for her) is to send her to her room instead of the timeout. Her having to leave the "action" was enough for her to start listening to us. And when she throws her temper tantrums; I just let her lay on the floor and "cry it out". Then I'll ask if she's over herself and see how she answers. If she says "no"; then I let her continue to cry (and periodically ask if she's over herself). If she says "yes"; then I have her come over and explain why I didn't let her get her way. I hope this helps ... I really don't think you are a bad person if you spank your kids. Now, if you are beating them; that is a whole different ballgame! GOOD LUCK to you!!!
Why would hitting a child teach them not to hit you? I have spanked each of my children once in their lives and I would have to say it was more of a pat on the butt than anything. They both, at about 2, ran in the street and I felt that was the only thing they would understand to get across how serious that was. My children are 9 and 6-1/2 now and are great kids. They have grown up with time outs and reprimands like groundings, taking things away, etc.. I constantly hear from other parents and teachers how well behaved my kids are and that it's a pleasure to have them over or in class. I'm not bragging, just saying I did it without spanking. Good luck
I was spanked a little growing up and I can't remember for the life of me what is was for now. All I remember is fear of my mother during those times. I don't think punishments work very well if you don't connect the punishment with the crime.
My daughter did the same thing yours did and I read some books about discipline. They recommended immediately withdrawing and walking out of the room when they hit or kick. That didn't work immediately, but it did slowly make a difference. The other advice you received from the mom who talked about trying to get your daughter to verbalize her feelings was great and exactly what the experts recommend, but this can be impossible to do when they're out of control.
I also read in this book that a good way to deal with the situation is to grab a pad of paper and crayon and push it in front of your child while saying, "Draw how you're feeling." This gives them a better way to communicate their feelings and it can be such a distraction and surprise that they immediately switch focus and start drawing. Afterwards, you can discuss how they felt when they drew the picture and how they could better communicate those feelings. The trick is having paper and crayon handy.
One thing they stressed is that they're not being "bad" when they're acting this way. They're frustrated and upset and they don't have the coping skills yet to control their actions all the time.
Trust your gut if you're not comfortable with spanking. If you're not comfortable with something, there's a reason for it. The most important thing to know is "This will pass!" You're dong great!
My daughter is seven now and she is kind and gentle. She rescues butterflies and other insects outside, discusses her feelings about things, and never looks at me in fear. What
more could I ask?
You might want to check out a book called, "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers". I totally loved it.
Read "Love and Logic Magic: Practical Parenting from birth to six years".
Although spanking gets their attention, I do not believe that it is a good way to parent because you are essentially telling your child that hitting (spanking) is a way to solve problems. That is exactly the wrong message. When my kids are out of control, I do send them to time out. The deal is that they can come out of time out when they are calm and ready to talk calmly and respectfully. When she is out of control, try saying in a very calm voice. "Too bad. It looks like you need some time to calm yourself down so we can talk. Feel free to come out of your room when you are calm." If she comes out before she is calm, be a broken record. "How sad. It looks like you still need more time. Maybe I need to shut the door this time." Yelling and spanking are going to be counter productive in my opinion because it models the wrong behavior. In fact, when I feel out of control, I tell my kids that Mommy needs a time out so I can get calm. The kids understand that it is not necessarily a punishment but a way to gather your feelings so you can talk through problems calmly.
If you really want some alternatives you could try Family Service. They offer PCIT for children with behavioral issues. It is Parent Child Interactive Therapy and the dedication is only like 10-12 sessions. They work on a sliding fee scale, you can find their website at servingfamilies.org
Good luck
There is a really good book called, "Shepherding the Heart of a Child" that addresses spanking. We have a 7 & a 10 year old and have spanked since they were younger. There are some important keys to it. 1.NEVER spank out of anger. If you have to, address the child's behavior, tell them you are going to have a break, and come back for the discipline when you are calm. 2. NEVER spank to humiliate. Humiliation does not teach children to have good character. 3. ALWAYS spank in private. This protects the child from humiliation and gives you a chance to talk to her. 4. Talk to the child about what they have done that was wrong. If they don't understand this, the spanking is pointless. They also need to know what would have been an acceptable alternative to the action they took (once they are old enough to be reasoned with and taught on this level, which some children are at age 3 if you give the information to them on their level). 5.Make it quick and make it matter to them that they are being spanked. 6. Always follow up with a prayer and a lot of hugs and kisses. Make sure the child knows you love them even if their behavior was wrong. If the child feel shunned after the punishment is over, you have not made the spanking the final part of the bad discipline. CAUTION: the age of three is the hardest of the younger years. Sometimes, the only way I got through it was to remind myself that things would get better at some point after they turned 4. And do you know what, it did! One of the great mysteries of children is that they are more and more fun as they get older and become their own persons (of course, I still have their puberty to look forward to[sigh]). Enjoy the journey.
i'm responding to a previous response... i think the title is "shepherding a child's heart". i've heard good things about it. but only skimmed it myself.
I was spanked as a child as well. I was not beaten, and I do remember what it was for most of the time. I was only spanked by my mom, I now she was fair and loved me and still does. I think there is a big difference between spanking a pre-schooler and spanking your 10 year-old. I think you would be a good candidate to spank because you don't really want to and because you weren't as a child. Anyone who feels that they were abused as a child shouldn't spank in my opinion because they are more likely to go overboard.
Now I have a three year-old too and although I don't spank her often, I think there are times when you just have to. From this age on, there are some things that they have to know carry a serious consequence. Some kids just don't respond to having toys taken away, etc. I usually warn my daughter so she knows if she does a certain thing, she WILL get spanked. And you have to carry through if you've made a threat. It is healthy to teach your children that you are in charge, not to be on a power trip, but so they understand authority and how the world works. I would also say that if you try spanking and it doesn't work, try something else.
There is a big difference between spanking and beating ones child. I was beaten as a child and it left emotional scars. I spank the youngest grandson like I did the other two and my 2 boys. One wack on the butt with an open hand. A stern voice stating we do not do that and if he complains (he's 2 and a half) I remind him mom says it's okay to spank the butt. I also tell him I don't like doing it but will if he is not good. He understands. No one ever explained why I got beat. I hated school when I first started. I didn't understnad for years why I was paddled with a wooden paddle. I had started school in the middle of the yar and did not know the rulls. When I knew my mother was in the hall. I walked out of class. I hatd that teacher more for not explaining. So count to 3 (give a warning) and follow through. If you don't take her in hand now. She will be telling you in a few years what she wants to do and there will be nothing you can do about it. A judge in Cincincinnati once told a father who was before the court for abuse that he wnated to give the man a metal for standing up to his son and trying to correct him. The young man had a long history with the courts. The judge said if more parents would step in and try to stop their children from making bad mistakes the courts would be better off. He told the man because others had steped in and told him through the law what he could and could not do with his son he was sure the young man would be in prison soon.
I am not saying go over boeard but your child needs to know by your deeds that it's behavior is wrong and will not ber tollerated. Some children respond to verbal while others need a stronger approach. Have you also asked your child how they would feel being treated the way they are treating others. If they don't understand then treat them in kind. I did that with children thst zi cared for. I always hd one in the bunch who thought the rules did not pertain to them.