I need help! my son 22yrs.old and girlfriend 20yrs old eat dinner at my home 3 to 4 nights a week. My husband and I at first didn't mind too much but, now with the cost of everything it is a bit too much, plus I don't need to cook for a 20yr old women all the time! My son works and goes to school so we do not ask him for board money and the girlfriend works and goes to school also. someone please tell me how to tell my son we don't want to keep feeding his girlfriend! And to top it off, they will snack a few hours after dinner! I don't want to sound petty. Oh did I say the girl can't cook. No kidding she can't boil water.
It sounds like your son and his gf are pretty comfortable with this arrangement. As they are both adults, who work and go to school, they are old enough to understand the economy. It seems like it is absolutely feasible to start asking your son to contribute to the household expenses, especially in regard to all the food. He more than likely won't like it, but he will not be able to move out and pay less than what you are asking him for. In my opinion, college is a time when you learn how to be an adult, with a career and all that goes with it. Part of being an adult is conrtibuting, even when you think you can't afford it or that you shouldn't have to. Arrange a meeting with the two of you, so he knows you are serious. Good luck!!!
How about offering to teach her to cook, or give her a recipe book as a gift with some of your favorites. I also think it's up to you to communicate to your son that you want to limit guests to maybe one day a week.
Hi Susan:
I learned of an excellent communication tool years ago from a Life-Skills Coach that helps work through conversations, disagreements, frustrations, and setting boundaries... peacefully:
Support
Empathy
Truth
SET
State your Support of your loved one in the ways that are meaningful for you.
Share your Empathy by remembering what it's like to "be in another's shoes."
And let your loved one know the Truth of the matter.
This simple little process has helped me navigate through many difficult discussions with open-ended, positive results.
Belssings, Melissa
I think that people today tend to be way too worried about what other people think, rather than looking out for themselves. I don't mean that selfishly, just saying that people are allowing themselves to get buried either emotionally or financially at the expense of not wanting confrontation.
I'm sure that it hasn't even occurred to your son and his girlfriend that they may be costing you so much extra money. As a matter of fact, your son may think that you'd be hurt if they DIDN'T come over to have dinner with you. If I were you, I would sit them down and just simply explain to them that as much as you love having them spend the time with you, there's got to be something you guys can come up with to solve the problem of the extra expense. It may be that they supply dinner 2 nights a week, it may be pitching in a certain amount towards groceries, whatever the agreement may be, it's completely acceptable since they're both grown adults and understand the cost of living nowadays.
I am 26 and find more and more people, including myself, that are around my age, 20's-young 30's that are female and don't know how to cook. Really, if it isn't frozen or from a box, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Also, I ate at home every night, with my parents or my sons dads parents (even after I was no longer with his dad) and my son all the way through school. I personally never paid for groceries. I did have to work two jobs to pay for my sons needs, and gas, and am now paying over $700 a month in school loans alone because all my parents paid for was food. I understand food is a big cost and the cost of living as gone up for all of us, but from my perspecitive it is almost impossible to accomplish college degrees without some support from your parents. I can personally say without that little bit of help, room, board and food, my parents gave, I would have never been able to make it through college.
Now that I'm trying to buy a house, with being less than a year done with school, I'm still given a free place to live and free food. Don't get me wrong, I've offered what little money I can, but they say keep it and save it.
My mom will be the first to tell you, who had to move abruptly due to a job, that having your kids and their sigficant others eating at home means so much more than you would ever believe until they no longer do it.
I'm not saying don't ask for money, I understand that money is very tight. I just wanted to try and give a college student perspective. And let you know that one day, chidren are thankful for all their parents do, and do adventually realize how much they cost their parents.
And having someone to teach me to cook right now would be REALLY helpful! I did like that idea!
I remember when I was 20, going to school full time working a full time job....I had ZERO idea how to cook - and I could hardly boil water. I would have loved a home cooked meal a few days a week. I didn't have time for anything (learning how to cook, etc.) except work, school, and a little bit of a social life. She's 20. She probably has no idea she's imposing.
Maybe you could limit it to just a couple of days a week with the girlfriend.
just cook less and have less to munch on. don't tell your son how you feel b/c he'll probably fire back and hold it against you. it also sounds like you may just have a general problem w/ his gf. my hubby and i were like that while dating, so i feel for your son and his gf.
Well, my advice may sound different from some, so please hold off throwing the rotten tomatoes til the end. :) I agree with some on here that they probably do not know that they are imposing.....but let's think about this: Are they REALLY imposing? Think on the other side....how LUCKY you are that you have a son that feels comfortable enough to SHARE THAT TIME with his family? I mean, so many families don't even see one another after HS graduation or after a child enters college and has a girlfriend...Now, okay, so it may be out of necessity that they are spending time with you (i.e. he lives with you) but he COULD be with friends eating mac and cheese out of a box? THEY could be together sharing a fountain pop and a bag of doritoes! He could not be around at all? I mean, it won't last forever (well, hopefully not) and TRUE, the economy is bad....but you haven't expected him to contribute to this point are you going to start asking him for food money now?
What really is the goal? For him to graduate and move on and be successful? How much longer does he have? A year or two? Maybe a bit more? Seriously...my mother in law said this to me: "Five years from now, is this issue going to make a difference? Is it going to be life-changing?" So think about that...you are helping out your son and his girlfriend. Doesn't sound like she's a lazy bum either... sounds like she is working hard on her goals as well.
Think of yourselves as saints and pat yourselves on the back. Shop more wisely, cut coupons, cut down a bit on the "frills"...maybe ask them once in a while (not every day but maybe once a week) to stop by and pick up something to drink to share or perhaps a purchased dessert of some type. This will help them feel like they are contributing, etc.
You also should feel good that this girl wants to spend time with her BOYFRIEND's family. It could be the opposite.....he could be with her all the time and you'd never see him or spend time with him.
Sorry for the long response, but I'd cherish those moments... so many parents don't get them. And honestly, I have 2 older sons and they bring their friends to the house for meal-time all the time...and I don't blink an eye. What's one more hamburger or one more slice of pizza or one more piece of pie? Seriously....how much more can this girl eat? Ha ha!
Good luck!
Is it just about the money? If it is, you could just fix less expensive food, keep less "snack foods" around, and ask them to pick up some things that you had "forgotten" at the store and in that way they are helping with the supply of food. If it's not about the money....let your son know that you don't mind if she is there occassionally but you and your husband would also like some time with JUST him. Certainly he would understand you wanting that...Just try to keep it in a positive light. Nothing is worth hurting your sons feelings and chance not having him home on those nights. It's ok to let your son know that you want to have some meals alone with your husband. Or you are going out to dinner maybe they could stop by after they have already had dinner.
Maybe gently ask if they can start contributing toward food costs. I bet they start going elsewhere for dinner.
Now is a good time to encourage both of them to help you out in the kitchen and teach them to cook and clean up. You did not say if she was a big eater . I feed my grandchildren and their friends and believe one more mouth isn't that bad. Enjoy their company, one day they may not be around. Don't sweat the small stuff.
I totally agree with one of the other posters. And, I may not have a popular answer. They are old enough to know how the economy works.
It seems to me that they are taking total advantage of you. I had this problem awhile ago, with my son wanting his girlfriend to come over all the time, in the eves, when I was cooking dinner. Of course, it's a bit different for me, because he's 17 and I do have a family of 5. I just told him that she could come over after dinner.
But, it does sound like she is too comfortable with your home. You need to talk to him about it. He may get upset, but I would just let him know how you feel. That you feel like you and your husbands generousity is being taken advantage of. They both work! Let them treat you to dinner!
I think a little bit of what everyone has said! I think being HONEST
Michelle
I feel your pain! I have three kids, 14, 13 & 10! Grocery prices have gotten ridiculous!
I think you should tell the girlfriend that you want her to help you in the kitchen, with meal preparation. Give her some tips and be sure that she takes FULL part in the CLEAN-UP! 20 year old adult/children need to know how to cook! I realize that she isn't your child but she may really appreciate learning a few things from you?
Maybe you could even suggest that your son and his girlfriend prepare one meal a week for you and your husband. Their duties would include BUYING the ingredients that make up the meal and, ofcourse, cleaning up afterwards. Let them see for themselves how expensive groceries are and everything else that goes with preparing a meal. You could take a night off from cooking!
Every time the two of them sit down to a meal with you, ask them, "What are you two making for dinner tomorrow?"
Eventually..you'll scare them and they'll eat somewhere else or they'll pick up some of the cost and effort it takes to prepare meals!
Good luck!!
Hi there :-)
I am not sure if I am doing this right or not but thought I would try :-)
Maybe what you could do is make it fun for your son and his GF and have a night where THEY do the shopping and cooking for a meal for everyone? His GF could /would learn how to cook as she went along? Or pick a certain night a week and have everyone bring something to the table for dinner whether it is a salad or side dish or something they can even buy at the grocery store to add to your dinner? Hope this gives you some ideas :-) Hang in there :-)
There is a cook book called Saving Dinner that was recommended through a web site called Flylady.net. The cookbook has recipes organized through seasons. It gives you the entire shopping list. So you copy the shopping list check off what you have or want to substitute (like kale yuck) and shop. You will then have enough meals for 5 days for 6 people. Think leftovers. I have found that the cost for the groceries is well under $80, but it's hard to tell because I buy other stuff. But, it keeps me out of the grocery store all week and I know I have these meals come what may.
You may want to try it. You might enjoy sharing your food. And maybe you can get the girlfriend to help with the cooking and clean up.
Good luck.
Wow. I've never heard of a struggle like this! :) Be encouraged. Realize how blessed you are that they both want to be at your place. Things could be so very different!
(1) Perhaps you could plan ahead and just ask them if they could cook, say, on Tuesday evening for supper...you know plan the meal, go shopping, come home and cook for all of you. Just let them know what a treat it would be ... PLUS it would teach them the economics of feeding a family.
Otherwise, if you all eat on a certain schedule, perhaps you could have to be out some evening (planned in advance) and let them know you won't be able to be there...that it would be a great time for them to go out on a date! (I don't know your sons situation, but I pray that he's not asking you all for gas money, etc, while he's in school. If he doesn't...please know that some young adults still do!!!)
I'm a young Mom and I was fortunate enough to have a future mother-in-law who wanted us to be there for dinner, always cooked a lot of food, and my future husband loved being with his family. That isn't to say we didn't like going out on dates! Unfortunately, I was pretty immature & desiring to be spoiled...I wanted to be treated, as the prior 10 yrs of my life had been shy of privileges. So, I abused the fact that this adoring young man would do anything for me. In turn, he would do anything for me...but it cost us in the long run ...because where is downpayment for a home to come from?
PERHAPS...if this is the future MRS. you and your hubby can sit and pray about this...and see that your son is putting back money for a downpayment on a home while you feed them...or perhaps you can offer incentive that you'll make sacrifices to help him make a downpayment in the future ... if he wants to put money forth, as "room and board"/"future downpayment funds. Of course, there is perhaps the opportunity to use a bit of that towards meals now!
Good luck!!!
This is a touchy situation because this girl may someday become his wife. So looking at it from that perspective, perhaps you should schedule a day for her to come over and help you prepare a few meals for the week ahead. Tell her you would like to teach her how to make some of your son's favorite meals so that she can cook them for him at her place. This poor girl may have had a mother who never allowed her in the kitchen and needs someone to show her the ropes. As far as your son goes, you say he works and goes to school, and he's 22, it's time he started paying a weekly amount of money to go towards food. He's 22, if he were living on his own he would have to be doing this. I understand as parents we want to help our children as much as we can, but do you want to start dipping into your retirement fund so you can continue to spoil him? Just let him know, in a nice way, that with the cost of food going up, you will have to start charging him x amount of money each week for food. Make sure it is enough to cover the extra for the girlfriend. Tell him the extra expense is leaving you strapped, he's an adult and he should understand. If he doesn't, then maybe you should question your never charging him board, and realize he's gotten quite used to the free ride.
I suggest that you come up with a sample bill that it costs you to feed her, and show it to your son. If that doesn't help, hand her a bill at the end of the meal. Keep a running track record of the tabs, if she can't pay then she needs to work off the unpaid bills.