My husband and I are in the beginning stages of divorce. Dad moved out 7 months ago. My 8 year old son misses his daddy so much. It breaks my heart to see him cry after each visit with his dad. I've tried to encourage his dad to see him more often - he sees him every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) and has dinner with him every Thursday evening. Other than tell my son that I understand how much he misses his dad and that both Dad and Mom love him very much - I can't seem to find the right words to comfort him. I keep him busy with activities and we share lots of time together. Should I consider counseling at this age?
Would you and Dad consider different arrangements? My husband and his ex divorced when their daughter was 4. He didn't want the schedule that ya'll have - he thought it was going to kill him! And his daughter as well! They agreed to split time. They made it work too. Mom had Monday & Tuesday nights. Dad had Wednesday & Thursday. Then weekends rotated. When we had her - we'd have Friday & Saturday nights and Mom would have Sunday. Then the following weekend would switch. I know it sounds complicated - but - it really did work good. She got equal time with each parent. And of coarse there was flexibility on special weekends and holidays. I hope this is something you both would consider trying. It may be tough on you as parents - gas, location etc. But, well worth it in the end! Good Luck!!
I would do something closer to 50/50. It's clear that your son really needs more daddy time and it sounds like you are open to doing what's best for him...
Other things include more phone time, buying a web cam, writing him emails, stuff like that...
I would encourage him to call his dad whenever he needs to talk to him. Let him know that he can always seek him out even if it's not his dad's weekend for visitation. I think that is very important. I am a step mom to 3 kids and one thing we did was make sure they knew that they could come here or call whenever they needed to no questions asked. We have let them know that our home is open to them always!! There is a great book called "Moms House Dad's House" and it has wonderful ideas on how to share custody that's really best for the kids. If you're both on board with it, it can work and I think your son would do better. As far as counseling, absolutely!! 8 is not to young and there are counselors that specialize in children whose parents are going through divorce. It might help him to be able to express his feelings to someone other than mom or dad. Good luck!
He is definitely old enough to express his feeling to a counselor and benefit from it. If that is an option for you I say try it.
I have two boys who don't have a father (sperm bank babies) but are very close to my father. We just moved up here and my parents are in south Texas, so we only get together about once a month now. To help the boys see PawPaw we do video conferencing on the computer at least once a week. We both have Mac's with a built in cameras but you could buy the cameras separately if your computers don't have one. It's a step up from just talking on the phone. Maybe that will help.
Good Luck. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. Even when they are the right thing to do, they are hard to get through emotionally. I know, I've been there too, only without children. Stay strong. You survived cancer! You can get through this too!
I would definitely get him into counseling now. Divorce is difficult for everyone and I think it wonderful that you and your husband are handling it with grace. It is very difficult for boys to not see their daddy's. I know it is TOTALLY different, but my husband travels most weeks Monday through Friday and we have lots of tears, sadness and drama that seemed to start to increase after he turned 2. Boys miss that "Daddy time". He will be okay and so will you. It will work out, but get some counseling and let him express his feelings to a third party. I am SURE that he knows how much you both love him, but it is a grieving process for all involved. God bless you and your family!
That is such a hard thing to go through. I went through this and my daughter is going through it now. I went to counceling when I was younger and I have taken my daughter before, it seemed to help because she and I were able to discuss our feelings without having to worry about hurting anyones feelings.
I also remember my Mom getting me my own phone line just for Dad. Dad got the number and no one else so I could talk to him whenever I wanted to and Dad could call me whenever he wanted to as well. I would do this for my daughter but she is 6 and I think that is still a bit too young, but 8 is a great age!
Maybe you should both consider joint custody. It sounds like your son could really use that type of living arrangements. I love the idea of having him call his dad everytime he gets the chance. Also have your ex send him letters/cards in the mail. Make sure he calls his son every night before bedtime and in the morning before school/daycare. Maybe you will see a change in your son if you ex makes more attempts to contact him.
so sorry to hear that your family is going through a divorce. I don't think there is any one thing that you could say to make your son feel better. Its going to take time. I think counseling is a great idea. I'm not sure where you live but I attend Watermark Community Church in north Dallas and they have a great program for kids and for adults called Divorce Care to help individuals work through the pain and loss of a divorce. It might help your son to hear from other kids who are going through the same thing. There is something very healing about a group setting that you don't seem to get from one on one counseling. Check out www.watermark.org if you are close by and interested. This is definately not the kind of place where you would get shunned on the contrary its a place where you and you son can be accepted and loved. Sorry again that you and your family are going through this!
My son's father and I divorced when he was 7...it was really tough. I did eventually take him to some counseling because it was effecting his behavior at school. If it's the right counselor, it can't hurt, but sometimes if you just have a male family member spend time with him, it can help too. A grandfather, uncle or even someone at church? That helped my son a little. The sad part is there is NO easy way for your son to adjust, it will just take time. Sounds like you are doing everything, I know it breaks your heart to see him hurting.
some comforting words...to take care of widows and orphans this is "pure" religion. God promises to be a husband to the widow and a father to the orphan. We will be praying for you.
Does your son have lots of friends with dad's who might include him in activities and treat him like a son. The more family or friends with men the better (as long as they are good to your son). Also, there are lots of dads out there that travel and are away from their sons so they don't have that much quality time with their dad anyway. So your son may be getting more quality time with both parents than he realizes. He misses the marriage. I'm so sorry marriages don't perservere any longer. I've been married 46 years and it hasn't been easy, but it was the right thing to stay together - - lots of compromises have gone on in this marriage. I think that is the secret to long marriages. Good Luck! I wish I had better advice. Big Brothers is another source you could use for your son as well.
Sandy
It is so important for your son to be reassured that the divorce is not his fault. All kids think that when going through a divorce.
Also, his daddy should make an "appointment" to call your son every night at the same time just to say:"Hi, how was your day? Did you get your homework done, etc..." They need to stay connected on a daily basis. This is what your son is missing. (It would be the same as if your husband was out of town on business; he needs to stay close at least in the emotional way.)
Unfortunately, many men won't do this; my brother did not and now his son is 25 and wants nothing to do with my brother. They are both the loosers.
Another option that might help is to have your son involved in a boy's activity at a local church: Royal Rangers are great organizations that have men leading boys to instill values of honesty, hard work, etc. while going camping and doing activities together. I have seens lots of boys go through that program and really blossom while going through a divorce.
Hope this helps.
Hi Nancy. First of all, I'm so sorry you and your family are going thru this hard time. My heart just breaks for your son. I was the same age when my parents divorced so I have a different perspective on it. I've read that this age is the absolute worst time in a childs life to go thru this so as you know, its very delicate. Ya know, i just stopped crying about my parents divorce a couple years ago. At such a young age, i was extremely depressed and gained a bunch of weight. I moved to a new school, new house, and got a new step-family all within a year of the seperation. Not that you are, but please wait a considerable amount of time before re-entering the dating world. It will really affect your son. Anyways, my mom had me in counseling every week for the longest time and even though it didnt take the pain away, it helped alleviate it. I highly recommend it. Insurance pays for it so thats good. I truly wish you the best.
Not to scare you but- You may want to try counseling, etc. At 12 years old, legally your son can decide to go live with his dad.
Hey Nancy,
My husband and I just separated last week. I immediately got online and ordered some books online to find out how to help my daughters with the transistion (they are 5 & 6). I ordered "how to deal with divorce the sandcastle way" and have just started it. It is so good! I cannot offer you any tried and true advice right now as I am just starting the process myself, but I can be here for support when you want to vent - because I am going through the same thing. My oldest was very teary when her daddy and I told her he was leaving. We had her pack a box of her special things to take with her when he moved and she went with him that night to spend the night and set up her "space" there at his new house. That helped tremendously.
Keep in touch and let me know what's happening. I'll keep reading and let you know what advice I get from that book.
Take care and e-mail me if you want to talk. Divorce is hard, but a crappy marriage is even harder.
Keira
Nancy, I have never been through this but can only imagine the difficulties. However, I do know that DivorceCare is a WONDERFUL resource! There is something called DivorceCare for kids. So while you attend a session, he is also. I don't konw the details of it all but I know the of the authors and the quality they produce. I was skimming through the other responses and DivorceCare and counseling seem to be the best advice. I know those 2 things don't fix your problem tomorrow but it will help guide you and him through this time and hopefully, help him grow stronger through this. If you need to find a place where they offer it you can go to divorcecare.com. Godspeed!
Definitely receive counseling because so many times the children think that it is their fault. Also going thru divorce myself with my two sons, it seems the more that you and your ex can be on a friendly basis, the healthier the children are after divorce.
Here's a computer hug coming your way! Would it be possible for your son to call Dad when he is missing him? Perhaps if he has a sort of instant access, he'll feel less cut off. And counseling might do both of you some good. It's obvious you have your own loneliness and pain issues with which to deal. I was left alone after 20 years of marriage with my 13 year old son (who is now 34) and the best thing I did for myself was see a therapist. Just remember today isn't forever. It's only today. There is every chance tomorrow will be better. Take care of yourself.
B
definately consider counseling. Also, if the two of you can afford a cell phone for him, it sometimes helps for the child to have his own phone that has dad's number programmed in so that he can call him at any time. If you think he is responsible enough to handle it I would look into it.
Make sure his father knows how he feels and work together to make the transistions easier on him. If you know their plans for the weekend then you can give him a rundown before he leaves and end with then then you get to come home and be with me. Also, make sunday nights special. Do something with just the two of you on sunday nights so that he has something to look forward to. Maybe you make and eat dessert together or play a board game, etc.
I've been dealing with this almost my son's entire life. It will get better and the most important thing you can do is hold him when he cries and be a strong role model. He'll get through this and so will you.