resentment towards dad-update (also long)

Other Topics All Other Topics
1

ok guys so i posted earlier this week about my dad i will not go into much more detail but i'm deciding quick to keep my communication limited if at all with him. I typed up a letter that i'm unsure if i will send, but here it is. thanks for reading it if you do, it is long. Please don't tell me i'm being childish like some of the posts previously stated, ESPECIALLY if you never had a parent walk out on you, it is an empty feeling that can never be filled. thanks for reading and responding if you do

Dad
I am writing this because I'm seriously frustrated with you. This is the only way I can think to let you know because I just don't feel like I can talk to you right now.
Why did you only send Christmas to dd and I? That is not fair to sd's. Really, it is just making you look like you do not accept dh and you are taking out your problem with him on the girls. I know you feel like he's broken a promise to you, I don't see it to be honest and I could care less if I convince you otherwise, it's a waste of time and worthless to me and I really don't care anymore. The fact of the matter is, regardless what your problems are with dh he is STILL my husband and I still stand beside him. I married him and committed to him WE promised God and are holding true to our promises, THAT should count for something and I'm seriously surprised that as a preacher, you don't acknowledge that and find forgiveness. Don't tell me you have forgiveness because every time I talk to you I can hear that anger in your voice. I understand you being upset, but that's the EXACT reason I still keep that on the down low because I don't need that extra negativity and right now, you are my main source of that.
However, if "broken promise" is your issue, let me remind you of the car you told me you were going to give me and did not, let me remind you of the wii you told me last year you were going to get my family for Christmas and let me remind you of the shopping for school clothes you told brother's ex wife you'd do for neice.
Also, 2 years ago you called my house so upset because you missed my birthday (felt good to hear that hurt in your voice) but this year all I get is a post from smom on Facebook. Not that I don't appreciate HER efforts, I expected at least a phone call from YOU. Plus you missed dd's birthday again, and I honestly can't think of a birthday she's had yet that you have not missed (I may be wrong).
Speaking of birthday's you have not made it to ONE of dd's birthday's, called sd's for theirs and now you're missing mine (if it's because you do not know the dates, all it takes is a simple call to ask).
I'm also upset with you because you never seem to find the time to come visit me and my family any more. You came to visit brother only and you made it very clear that's why you were here, and I gave you your space. However, after you and brother had your discussion you then went and hung out with your foster parents but it was "bubba and I are going…" Dad I felt very hurt by the fact that the offer wasn't even made-I wouldn't have gone, but the offer from you would've been nice, but thank God he made sure I was ok or went if I could.
A few years ago, right after dh and I got together you told me you would not worry about sd's for Christmas because they already have grandparents. I soooo hoped you were not serious, but you proved to me this year that you were. To me, that's like saying "you're not blood therefore not acknowledged." Or you are coming and going as you please with them.
I feel like I'm the only one who really makes an effort to have a relationship with you. I say this because in the 10 years I've talked to you, I can count on 1 hand how many times you've come to visit me and Danny, just for and not visiting someone else and "squeezing us/me in".
I have tried and tried and tried to just blow it off but I can't any more, especially after you picked and chose who in my household you wanted to give to and left the rest out. THEN you miss both mine and dd's birthday.
I don't care anymore if you break promises to me or fail to go through with what you told me you would do, because I'm learning to expect that from you and as an adult I can now take it. However, you will not continue to do this to my family. I remember too well, how it felt to be standing at that door way as a child on a dark rainy night crying, staring out the front door next to bubba cause our dad never showed up, and these things you keep promising me feel like that all over again and I will not go through it again, and I will not allow that to happen to my kids.
My kids love you, you are fun to be around but if anything comes up that requires money out of your pocket I've learned it's hard to expect you to pull through with it.
I told you a long time ago I forgive you for the past, and the choices you made when we were children, but in a sense this is kind of like repeating a sin you know is wrong, asking for forgiveness but continuing to commit the crime. Something on that subject you said to me once was if you continue to do it you obviously don't mean it when you ask to be forgiven. I would like to say the same about this whole issue.
Please don't call me about this; I really don't want to talk to you over the phone about this. dh and I are both very upset with you and need time to think.
As far as the holiday's you need to make sure you do something for everyone if you do anything for anyone, even if it's just a simple phone call. I will not accept gifts if my entire family is not included anymore, it's not fair to me or my kids.

2

I want to give you a big hug. I know exactly how you feel. It is amazing how our "daddy's" effect our lives so much. I am 38 years old but the little girl in me still hurts so bad over my parents divorce 30 years ago and I have hurts and do need to tell my dad about someday soon since I have anger issues and I know that is where it stems from. I think this letter you wrote was perfect, you are 100% correct about sticking up for your husband and kids, they are your family now. The Bible says we leave are parents and become one with our spouse. I am so sad to hear your dad is a preacher and acting like this, I know we are all sinners and no one is perfect but you would think he would know a little better. I don't think parents have a clue about how we are treated in childhood does carry over to adulthood. I am proud of you for writing this letter and being honest with your dad. I really don't know what else to say, you are encouraging me though to write my Dad. I won't go into my story since this isn't about me right now but just know I can so relate. God Bless. As you know prayer is huge, pray for God's guidance and for God to soften your Dad's heart. The best of luck to you.

3

i think you should send it to him. i ahve very ver ydeep issues toward my father. abusing my mother as a child, being an alcoholic to this day and at a very young age already having liver failure, and yet choosing to continue to drink, being a drug addict, so the circumstances are different but our situation is the same. hes never there and does nothing but dissapointment. i finally did what you are trying to and told my dad enough is enough and cast him out of my life. the problem with this is that all of that anger and resentment doesnt go away once you do that, the pain and dissapointment doesnt go away and there is no relief. the only benefit to me was that while it hurts very much that my dad acts the way he does and that he is no longer a part of my life, it hurt even more when he was a part of my life and was constantly doing something new to hurt or upset me. its basically picking the lesser of two evils. the important thing is to forgive for yourself. becase if you edont forgive him, it will eat you alive and do not a damn thing to him. so send this, make your choice, if he steps up great! if not, did you really expect him to anyway? i hope this helps!

4

.

5

I agree with Dawn...put it away for a few weeks and then re-work it. I have had both parents walk away from being my parents and it hurt. At this point in my life, at 44, I can't waste my time with it or stress about it. My chance to make a family is with my daughter and I have learned from my parent's mistakes/choices. We can't change adult's actions/way of thinking. I really don't think a letter is going to suddenly bring him to his senses and will lead to more disappointment for you (it didn't work for me!). He is not going to say "oh, you are right" and become the father you wanted. Please enjoy the family you have! Good luck.

6

I read the letter and your other post too...I agree with keeping it for a week or so, then taking it out, re-reading it and the maybe re-working it. I also agree with not leading with all the 'stuff' he promised you but didn't get you, it does make you sound spoiled and materialistic (even if your not), I would leave that for later in the letter.

Big Hugs.

7

so many of us with daddy issues :) i too have been there and let me tell you, the well-intentioned, heartfelt, HONEST letter, did nothing for me. he got mad. he got defensive and up in arms and it did NOTHING to fix anything, just made everything worse. i agree with the other girls, hang on to it for a week or so and the revisit it. if you decide to send a letter, i would cut it down to about 1/4 of this length. the simpler the better. he knows he's done wrong by you and your kids. you don't have to spell it out. if you want to cut ties, say it. the more rambling and explaining you do, the more it sounds like you are trying to justify an iffy decision. like you're not sure. good luck girlie. like i said...so many of us know where you're coming from. it's never easy.

8

Gotta say, sounds a little crazy. Usually an adult (your dad) is aware of emotional pain/slights/harm that they are causing. I don't think you need to spell it all out like he's 5.
I also kind of find your many references to money, gifts and gift-giving to be extremely inappropriate.......wondering how old you are.....provide for yourself and your own family already! Stop rooting around for gifts and holding on to hurt over promised cars and Wiis.
And yes, I had a father that was out of my life for most of it.
Can you not move on from this?