I am 33 weeks pregnant with my second child and my boyfriend has completely changed. He has been so distant and cold at my most vulnerable and needy time. Our 2 yr old son has a sensory disorder and needs lots of attention. I have had a horrific second pregnancy (nothing like the last one) and needed my boyfriend more than ever. Not only does he huff and buff if I ask him to get me a glass of water, he won’t touch me (last time I was pregnant we could keep our hands off each other), he gets aggravated with every thing I do or say. I have never need a rock more than now and he couldn’t be further away. The last 8 months has made me look at him differently and I’m not sure if I should stay with him. He still hasn’t asked me to marry him even though he took me to look at rings 2.5 years ago. Not only that but I have suffered with great depression this whole pregnancy because he has been so horrible to me. My family lives in Texas and I’m in California. I really feel like I am not as good of a mother being with someone who makes me feel so bad about myself. Should I stay with this man or try to be a single mom of two?
Well my husband is a good guy and we are happily married with three kids and he never really got up and would get me a drink of water or anything pregnant or not pregnant..maybe once in a great while but no regular basis at all. My husband attended all the dr appt with baby 1-2 but with baby 3 no. He had to stay home with the other 2 kids.
Anyhow hang in there. Its hard being pregnant maybe he just wants someone to make a fuss over him? I had depression with my first pregnancy. Make sure you mention it to your dr. Hang in there ..just give your boyfriend a hug and tell him you appericate him.
Kim
Oh, hun! I’m not in your relationship, but if I were I’d be wondering the same thing. Have you tried counseling or talking through your/his emotions? I can’t be sure b/c I don’t know your circumstances, but I’d say, maybe he’s stressed? If he is treating you badly, you should leave, but if this is something that can be worked out, then it might be worth a shot.
All I know is that I married a man who LOVES me and would never treat me wrong especially when I am carrying his child, but like I said, dear, I don’t know your exact positions, so it’s hard to say. I hope that you maybe add some examples of what’s going on so that we can maybe judge a bit more fairly and give you some better advise. I wish you the best!
I so sorry you are going through this , being pregnant is hard enough .. but add no support to it.. that is tough business!!! It could be so many different things.. It could be something under-lying he is not talking about.. It could be stress.. It could be something even more than that.
I would talk to him, seek counselling if you can. I would not stay under the present circumstances, with him treating you this way. If it continues throughout the children’s childhood you are teaching that is okay, not only for Mommy to be treated that way, but okay for them to be and possibly for them to treat others that way…
Sounds dramatic I know.. but… anyway..Hugs to you my dear!!
it could really be anything…
sometimes I had assumed something about my Husband… and it turned out to be something else.
Just talk to him. Have you tried?
See what he says.
Start with that… and see. Otherwise… you may never know what is really bothering him.
all the best,
Susan
I think before you decide to leave him and become a single mom, you should definitely have a talk with him about what you are feeling, your depression etc. Most importantly ask him why he has changed so much and why does he get annoyed when you need him the most now. Try to talk to him calmly. Good luck and hope this helps.
I would agree with others and talk to him. I am 30 weeks with baby number 2, and my husband won’t touch me at all either. With baby 1, he coudlnt’ keep his hands off me, and it’s a complete 180 with him this time around. We have talked about it, and he really does work a lot more lately and has more on his plate so i just dropped it. i figured i will wait until my baby is about 3 months old before approacing the sex issues again.
my husband actaully expects me to continue doing everything i did before plus more. Example the other night we wanted some ice cream and he looked at me, and asked if i would go and get it. now my feet and ankles are super swollen, but he still asked, and that’s how he is.
your hormones are all over, so you could be seeing things differently, but you are seeing these things with all sorts of things happening in your life, right now.
Maybe you should go and visit your family and see if he follows or misses you. Perhaps you need to give him the room to look at his commitment to you and make a choice. You can’t make him follow through with his responsibilities toward you (I don’t know the recourse for child support with someone you aren’t married to…maybe someone else does)
Baby two is hard enough on the relationship when you have a firm marriage commitment, but it must be emotionally draining to have the doubt that he’ll not stand by you, hanging over you.
Before you leave for your visit.
Give him a heartfelt kiss and tell him you need your mom for a little while, and that you love him…he’s your knight in shining armor… (ok I don’t know that he is you have to decide this) but right now you need your family and hope he wants to be part of it. Tell him if you want to be married (seems like its on your mind) but also tell him what you see that looking like in the future…what do you dream that to be?..Being there for him? Laughter? Not being alone? Memories? Supporting him emotionally and with physical needs so that he knows he can fulfill his dreams? Tell him that if its what’s on his mind you’d like him to do the asking so that you know he’s committed to you and the children.
Its really easy to let time go by and kids to spend your energy so that these things are left unsaid. Chances are you both are just wiped out from all of this and just need to regroup. Praying for you.
If it were me, and I’m on the weird side anyway.
Actions speak louder than words. I’d take his actions to mean that he wanted to split up for his own reasons, probably because he is overwhelmed and blames you. I’d let him go, just like that.
If your family wants you back and will support you through this, go to where the love it. Tell you EX-boyfriend that either he opens up and works with you on what is bothering him that makes him treat you like someone he cannot stand, or you are going back home because you need TLC and he is not giving it to you.
One thing to look at, how is he treating your son? If he is distint with that child and not a loving father then that would be my deal breaker.
This is a big subject and you need a lot of help with this. First step, know that you are woman and you will come out on top as a whole and happy person. Follow that path, trust your instincts, put yourself and your child first.
Second Step: In your decisions, ask yourself, What Would Love Do? And by love, I mean Love for Yourself. Step outside of yourself and guide yourself as someone who completely loves you. You cannot go wrong with that.
Blessings to you on your journey upwards.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, its awful…and I know this for a fact, I’ve been through it!
I left my boyfriend ( several years ago) while 7 months pregnant with my second child. Best thing I could have ever done!
I had and still have a lot of self respect and just couldn’t see myself mistreated knowing darn well I did not deserve it…I say ditch this guy…that’s my advice. I’ve been told Im harsh but things have worked out really well for me so I stand by my decisions.
First off, you are probably both exhausted. A first pregnancy is much different than a second–you don’t have the demands of a child to wear you out the first time around!
Seriously, a child with special needs is extremely stressful for everyone in the family. Even with a rock-solid marriage, a special-needs child takes a heavy toll on a relationship. Our older daughter is on the autistic spectrum, and it has been a challenge for the entire family. Your boyfriend may be worried about taking care of all of you, and may be very worried about the health of your second baby. He may be feeling passed over, too, if he doesn’t think he’s receiving any of your love and attention.
As others have said, could you have a real heart-to-heart with him about how you feel, and be truly open to hearing how he feels? This is a difficult situation. He may be struggling as much as you are with the question of whether he can handle it–I suspect that it’s a challenge for him to live with a special-needs child and a wife who’s suffering from depression; he may be feeling guilty and overwhelmed, and dealing with it by locking his vulnerability away and using distance and coldness to cope. That doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it may help you to feel less susceptible to it.
Obviously, if he is being abusive to either you or your son, you need to get away from him. But if not, I think it’s worth some honest communication first (preferably with a counselor, if that’s possible). You are both in pain, and if you love each other, talking it through and trying to understand and support each other makes more sense to me than just ending the relationship at a time when emotions are understandably running high.
I hope all of this works out for all of you.
I think that staying in a bad relationship is worse than being on your own. Heck, it sounds like you already are on your own.
I would drop him and get yourself in a better place. And next time get the ring before setting up house. Your man now is obviously not going to commit to you or he would have done it by now. You are worth so much more than what you’ve settled for. Good luck.
Donna M. gave you good advice. Once there are kids, ending a relationship is non-trivial and should be a last resort.
I am a single mom. Going through a divorce was the most horrific experience I can imagine. Parenting on my own while working full time is beyond exhausting. And, dealing with an ex-spouse (you can’t eliminate them from your life when there are kids) is very very difficult.
I tell everyone that I can – if your marriage (or committed relationship) can be salvaged, work at it. The alternative is even harder.
ask your self one question and answer honestly…if you had a daughter, would you want her in this relationship!!! there you go…life is gonna get hard. It is not easy raising children alone..done it. and I have raised a child with a man I love and he loves me (commited 30 years) (and no ring)
but with a man that truly wants to be involved and have a family to provide and protect is the best ever!!!
Maybe you can see your way to having him release the children to you and find a real man that would love you and your little family… Their is also adoption..( I know this is a very hard step…not to be taken lightly) But the first child needs you most! The second child (and all children) deserve parents that love and provide for them…it is a hard place that you are in,
but I lived through it…and I have kept my child, and she is now a mother of 3! Married and very happy…
please keep me posted..I would love to be in your corner, whatever you decide…
GM
Life is too short to be unhappy! if being with him makes you unhappy then I say leave! you don’t have to live with someone to be with someone. Take some time after the baby is born to get your self and thoughts together. we all need time away sometimes.
You are a single mother whether you stay with him or not. I don’t understand why woman give men the benifits of marriage with out the respect of a marriage. If there is no marriage//good marriage in the cards, go home to Texas with your family. Julie
Hey Katy!
A couple of words of advice here. If you can at all not end your relationship, don’t do it. It’s obvious that you’re going through a very rough emotional time, but I’d also venture to speculate that so is your man. Something is going on here (good or bad) and that’s why he’s so distant. Did both of you plan this baby? did both of you agreed on having this baby? I guess the questions is if both of you are on the same page about having a newborn. If the answer to this question is no then both of you can start towards a solution or agreement. This is the likely scenario if you leave the father of your kids. Dating different people of whom the huge majority will be ‘frogs’, more emotional and financial hardship your yourself and your kids. Most likely end up having kids by someone else which will only complicate your situation further. I assume your partner to be a decent person since you’re having a second child by him. I say you do your best to resolve your situation in the best interest of the family or else you and your kids will suffer the consequences. Wish you great luck!!
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Katy, I pray your situation will work out for your good. I have been in your situation and can only say, think of your health and don’t put so much stress on yourself or the babies. Things will work themselves out. Get what you need for yourself. I think Paul B. has given a man’s perspective and worth thinking about. No relationship should be thrown away unless there is physical abuse or both parties no longer want the relationship. Our children are most important and should be the cause for working at making things work, if at all possible. With that said, I also agree that getting away can give you, your boyfriend and children a break from the pressure. Keep looking outside yourself for help, it is there.