Phobia of letting people see my house

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1

I have developed this weird phobia- I don't want other people to come in my house and see it. Is there a word for this type of phobia?

I rarely let neighbors in, I don't like even my mother-in-law coming in anymore for fear of judgment. The phobia has gotten worse over the years. This problem is hurting my kids because I know my younger two would love to have playdates at our house, but my fear is preventing me from doing it.

Our house is older (from the 70s) and some rooms are outdated. I can't seem to keep up with laundry, keeping things clean and organized. Rugs are stained a bit. It's not horribly messy, but according to my standards it's not neat enough. It's always cluttered. The backyard is ok, but needs some work. Trees need to be cut back. My husband doesn't do much with helping unless I ask him. It's frustrating. It's this vicious circle. I can't seem to get the house in the order I want it to be in, therefore I don't want people to see it.

I think I get this phobia from my Mom. She would always tell anyone that came over, to excuse the mess.It was embarrasing to hear her say that everytime. She occasionally let us have friends over, but adults and relatives rarely hung out there.

Anyway, I want to have a friend and her kids over my house next week. I've known her for two plus years and she has never been to my house. I was at her house once for a birthday party, and her place was immaculate and beautiful. I'm just afraid she'll come and be disgusted. I'll do a full cleaning before her visit, but not sure I can accomplish everything that needs work. However, I can't avoid her seeing my house forever. I feel that would end the friendship.

I've had some bad experiences before with adults stopping by. One friend would drop off her kid and never stay. Only allow the child to stay an hour and that was it. She would always insist that my son play over at her house. We had two playdates at our house two years ago. I thought the playdates went well, but never heard from the two families again. My mother-in-law has made this phobia worse for me. She never stays very long when she visits. When we go to her apartment, nothing is out of place (it's like a museum) and she freaks out if my kids get dirt on her floor or touch her mirrors or get anything dirty. She has a maid. we used to have a cleaning lady but let her go because she wasn't very good.

However, we have had lifelong friends visit and they said we had a very nice house.

I know this is so weird and I've got to get over it for myself and everybody. I don't want to be like this. Any thoughts or comments appreciated on how I can get over this.

PS- I am not a hoarder. I want things out of my home. I go through closets quite a bit and take clothes to Goodwill. By clutter, I mean, mail and the kids' school papers tend to pile up. Toys may get left out for days or weeks. We are trying to get better about that. We do tend to hang on to some things longer than we should. It always feels like I'm constantly cleaning something yet over all, the house is not completely clean. Some rooms are cleaned weekly, others may go longer.

2

Watch a few episodes of Hoarders then you’ll feel better!

:wink:

3

Style/outdated-ness is something you shouldn’t worry about. People who are your friends won’t care about those kinds of things. The thing that I am wondering about is the clutter you mentioned.

I don’t know if b/c you are paranoid, you have read into the visits you have had in the past (and their having not happened again), and have effectively made an innocent situation into one that appears that something in your end caused those visits not to be repeated. That sounded confusing… let me try again…
The visitors you had in the past, may or may not have faded from your circle of friends/visitors because of the condition of your home. The way you described it having happened, however, certainly lends itself to that explanation. But that might simply be because of the way you presented the information, and you readily admit you are paranoid in this area.
So, it could be that you have made assumptions that are simply unfounded. Or, it could be that you are on the right track and there were subtle hints that your friends had issues with your home.

IF it truly is an issue with the home, and you mentioned clutter, laundry, not being able to keep up with cleaning/organizing… it makes hoarding come to mind. If you think you have hoarding tendencies, then by all means, schedule an appointment with a counselor to figure out where to go from this point. If it is a degree of hoarding that is at the heart of this, then you must address it.

If I am off base, and you do not have any proclivities towards hoarding, then you need to figure out why you are having such a difficult time with cleaning/organizing, to the point that you worry friends will not find your home acceptable. Is it just clutter, or is it unsanitary? There is a major difference.

Make a gameplan for yourself. Choose a room. Any room. Take everything out of it, and only put back what you NEED to have in it. Dispose of 50% of the rest, and organize into something that can be stored neatly the remaining 50%.
Run laundry while you are doing this.
Also, check out Flylady.com.

4

It will be extremely damaging to your children if you allow this phobia to rule your life. You have to get over it, now.

It sounds like your situation isn’t that dire – you’re not a hoarder or anything. Have you ever considered getting a cleaning person in once a month, to do the deep cleaning? It might be worth the peace of mind it brings you.

Watch the show Hoarders and then you will feel clean in comparison.

The way you get over most phobias, short of a lot of counseling, is to face your fears. Therefore, no matter how scared you are about it, you need to go through with this date next week. If you have to get a housecleaner in beforehand, then do it. Do not apologize for your home when your friend gets there.

People will always judge you in one way or another, that is the nature of human beings, so you can’t worry about it.

It’s time to change this. Just do it, experience the discomfort, and then after a few times you will realize it’s not that bad.

BTW, my kids have had friends whose homes weren’t that clean or nice over the years, and all I ever thought to myself was, “the house isn’t very clean.” It did not affect how I felt about the person. If someone wants to have your kids at their house all the time, don’t worry about why, just let them, it will save you the aggravation.

5

When you go to someone’s house for a birthday party, that is not a good indicator of what their house usually looks like. My house looks GREAT when we have parties! It’s the rest of the time that… well… things seem to get away from me.

I’ve had wonderful times spending time with friends in less-than-immaculate houses, and I’ve had horrible times with people in perfect settings. I think it is more up to you; if you are stressed, she will be too. If you are comfortable in your surroundings, she will be, too.

One idea that might work for you… look at the memories that were made in your home. Do your daughtssr tend to stand in a certain corner when they sing or dance? Do they sashay down the stairs? Do they “help” you in the kitchen? If you feel yourself getting stressed, look at that section of home, remember a great moment you’ve had there, and move on.

6

Erma Bombeck died several years ago of cancer. She wrote several books and a newspaper column about being a mom and a wife, all with humor and love. Her last column is at the top of the page entitled “If I Could Live My Life Over Again”.

You will never regret letting loving people into your home because you are letting love in, but you will regret not letting the love in.

7

I would chalk some of the other people’s behavior up to their own issues. Maybe SHE had a problem letting her son out of her sight. Not all the parents will stay. Might not be anything to do with your house. There’s a fine line sometimes between “friend” and “acquaintance you are friendly with at x events.”

I have friends with immaculate homes that could be in magazines - and older children or no children. My house will never be like that. When we visit some of these friends, DH gets on a wistful kick and I told him that unless he was willing to spend as much of his free time cleaning as they do, that would never happen. I’ve slowly worked to declutter (Freecycle is awesome if you make the rule that you can’t take things, just give) and just recognize that my house will not be a showroom. And frankly, I don’t want to live in a showroom.

If you are worried about your friend, have you tried talking to her? Maybe she’s more relaxed than you think. Maybe she just wants to see YOU.

Right now I have a laundry basket on a couch, a trike in my livingroom, some half-dried flowers in a vase that I need to compost, and the remains of DD’s craft on our dining room table.

I also grew up in a house that was SO messy that I stopped having friends over. So I understand that. Take a breath and remember that is not your house and you are not a helpless child. If you need to clean, take one thing a day. Do the biggest/most bothering stuff first. And ask the rest of the family to pitch in. You might also consider hiring someone to help you before the visit. Give it a once-over. One of our compromises is that DH and I hire a wonderful woman to come in 2x a month and clean really well. I realize this is not something everyone can do, but sometimes it can be worth it to hire someone for just a day now and then. Ask friends who they’d recommend.

You can also rent a steam cleaner or borrow one for the carpet. I have a Bissel Pro Heat that I have loaned out to friends and family. It got enough stains out of the carpet of my SIL’s old rental that they got their deposit back (some stains were from before they moved in).

I wouldn’t worry about style. I guarantee you that 90% of the homes in my neighborhood still have the 60s in the kitchen or bathroom. You’re not out of date. You’re retro. :wink:

If your house is clean enough and you still feel upset, consider therapy to get past it. It sounds like you have some family history to get past and kudos to you for recognizing it.

8

I have this to an extent too, and honestly, I have a really simple solution to it. Hire someone to clean the house. I don’t mean weekly, I mean before someone comes over. Yes, there’s a cost, but it’s not astronomical if you only do it occasionally. With me it’s like, my house just looks so much better than it did before, I feel really good about it, enough to let go of the fear. It’s also much easier (for me) to keep the place clean if it gets a professional head start.

9

if you find it messy and embarassing invite people over and the first time insert humor and then the following times they know what to expect so you wont feel bad

my friends and i joke about our messy cars

my car is at times a trash can, with picking emmy up from aftercare to day trips, to chips, wrappers, fast food wrappers, crayons, toys, art projects from school

we always joke that you can barely see the floor and throw everything in the trunk when picking up a NEW person…
when it comes down to it nice people wont care as long as it isnt filthy and there arent bugs and food lying all over

RELAX and realize your less than perfect house will weed out the fake people=)

10

I have the same issue. I don’t let many people in my house. Cause once it’s clean enough for someone to come over it’s a day maybe before it’s not presentable again. It used to be MUCH worst. We only have people over once in a while and that’s when husband and son have done major cleaning. I can’t do a lot around the house due to health issues which sometimes makes things worst. I let my mom come over even though she is judgmental but she doesn’t stay for long and then my best friends and her daughter will come over.

11

I totally relate to this!! Even when things are clean, my house tends to be cluttered, a bit disorganized. Also outdated in some ways, but we don’t have the time/energy/money to “redecorate.” I have gotten over it with close friends, who know what our house is like and love us anyway!

My daughters have started asking to have friends over (they are 4 and 6). I usually try to go to other people’s homes or meet out somewhere. But I have decided to attempt to get over this hang up – if people don’t like my house, well, too bad! We are doing our best, and we have other qualities to offer. :slight_smile: I am arranging playdates for both my girls over Thanksgiving weekend, at our house. This is kind of a big deal for me.

I figure, if people like us (me, my hubs, our kids) then they will get over the fact that we do not live in “Architectural Digest.” So far I have found that to be true.

Think of it as being "bohemian"or “free spirited.”

Also, I appreciate your comment about your mother always apologizing for the mess, and how it embarrassed you. I do that. I will try to stop!

Thank you for sharing this. And good luck!!

12

Shove stuff in the closet and live your life! We all do that. I find that people with immaculate homes are uptight or have tons of money to have it cleaned regularly and thoroughly (and often both).

Just as long as you keep a clean house, not immaculate, just clean, no one will care.

13

I think you need to start by getting a ‘base line’ opinion from a neutral party about whether you have anything to be paranoid over. Sounds like you’ve had reactions from both ends of the spectrum - some thought it was great and some horrible. But what you don’t know is what biases these people might have been carrying with them.

Find someone who isn’t really going to care either way or is known to be blunt and have them over. Ask them you need to know if you are just being paranoid or is your house is really as bad as you think it is. Perhaps interviewing a few cleaning companies might give you the perspective you are looking for. Doesn’t mean you have to hire them. But you could ask them to look and say “if you had carte blanche on this house what would you do?” Tell them you want their honest opinion because you know it isn’t perfect but you are just too close to it to have an unbiased perspective.

For what it’s worth, it doesn’t sound any worse than mine! Of course my house is immaculate before others come over or I’m paranoid about it!

One more idea - could there be an odor you don’t notice that turns people off? Do you smoke? Is there a pet smell in the carpets? It’s amazing how odors we live with everyday don’t stand out to us anymore. I have a close relative that is very old and holy hannah, i swear their place smells like rotten potatoes. It’s horrible. I can’t stand to be there! But they don’t notice at all. I also found out the hard way, from a realtor, that our basement carpets smelled like bad pet smells. I had to prod her to tell me but she did and it was an easy fix - better than continuing to scare off potential buyers!

Good luck!

14

You definitely fear being judged by others. We all have different cleaning standards. Unless your home presents some sort of health hazzard, most things can be overlooked and chalked up to being “a home with a lived-in look.” It does sound like your mom passed this anxiety down to you. Kids don’t really care what your house looks like and will rarely comment. You are concerned about the adults, who can be more judgemental. What is your idea of a “very nice house?” Is it the size of the home, the furnishings, how clean it appears to be, what exactly? Do you think your home is uninviting, unsafe or just a bit on the messy side?

My best friend is not by any means a housekeeper - by her own admission. She thinks I have a museum house, where nothing is out of place - which is not true, but in comparison to her house, I can honestly see why she thinks this. We agreed decades ago not to make the comparison. We are differnet people with different life styles and priorities. Everyone doesn’t making cleaning house a priority. Some just don’t want to do it because they hate it and others find it difficult to organize even the smallest tasks at home.

It can be hard to enjoy your company if you are constantly worrying about what they think of your house. It sounds as if you have lots you want to do in your home. What is exactly preventing you from working on these tasks in your home? Money? Time? Space? Initiative?

If you walked into your home, what would be the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it the smell, the piles of toys, stains on the rug, what?This might be a clue as to what others really think? I would focus on those few things as an initial task and go from there. Taking the first step to start addressing these issues may make you feel better about having people over little by little. Could you ask someone you trust to help you get organized? I’m sure the moms on this site have some fabulous suggestions.

15

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone with this issue - I live in an older but cozy home, however, there are new developments all around us with 1/2 million dollar + homes - I avoid having play dates with these families b/c I feel like we will be judged for not having a new and modern home like they do. I find it a real challenge to stay on top of clutter (mail, toys, etc.) with small children. I think it is great that you have the insight to see that some of your feelings may stem from your childhood. I second the recommendations re: hiring a cleaning lady beforehand if your budget can allow for it and if it would help you to feel better. Also, maybe picking one room and trying to make some small changes to spruce it up - do you have any home good consignment shops in your area? You can find some real deals (sometimes brand new!!) on picture frames, curtains/linens, baskets, etc. Maybe making some small changes will make you feel more updated about your surroundings. Good luck with the play dates next week!

16

Make the decision to be proactive and clean your house. I have seen time and time again when mothers let their houses go and say that it’s more important to be a mom to their kids and wife to their husband than it is to keep a tidy home. Yes, this is very true…however, for health-reasons, it is very important to pick up and clean. I clean houses for a living and I cannot tell you how many houses I go into that have layer after layer of dust, mold, dirt, etc…all over the home. It’s not surprising to see that their children as well as themselves suffer from severe allergies, asthma, and are very susceptible to upper-respiratory infections.

Do a little at a time to start. Include a basket in each room and put anything that is out of place in that basket. Clean from top of the room to the bottom leaving vacuuming till the very end. Once you complete each room, just make a point to take a little time each day to maintain the clutter. It’s way easier to maintain a house than it is to do a “one-time” clean that can last several days.

As for your phobia…I believe once you get your home “company-ready” and keep it that way, you will feel much better. I would be hesitant to have people at my home as well if it was messy/dirty. But, I care more about keeping my things nice and clean for me and my family more than I care what people think about any messes.

Good Luck!

17

I want to be like Joanna, but I’m still working on it. I use to have a big house and entertained a lot. I now live in a small apartment and eliminated lots of things in the beginning and I am still going through things, selling or donating them in order to be better. It took along time to accumulate “stuff”, so it may take a long time to get rid of things. You might consider a yard sale when the weather permits.

Real friends, come to see YOU not your house.

18

I think a lot more people feel this way then you know. I live in a very old ranch house. the carpets are over 15 years old and I have raised 8 kids on these carpets. Yeah, they are stained and that’s despite the fact that I have cleaned them at least once a month for years.

It’s small and space is limited, back when it was built people didn’t have as much crap as we do today so no matter what I do there is still this cluttered feeling.

Laundry…funny story. My old couches used to be perfect for sorting and folding laundry on. The back was just right to hold it all. Well that couch was on it’s last leg so I went out and bought a couple of futons. My kids are crazy hard on furniture, so I like things that are easy to replace. anyways a few days after I got them some friends came over. The first thing they said was how ‘empty’ the house felt without the laundry on the back of the couch. There was always laundry there cause laundry is a never ending cycle in this house. Well now it sits on a table in the corner. Bleh, it is what it is.

One thing I have learned is that most people honestly don’t care. As long as it isn’t going to create a new zombie apocalypse that’s going to infect the world, people will look past clutter. I would also much rather walk into a house that looks lived in. There is just something very unwelcoming about a house that looks as if no one lives there.

19

OMG We must be seperated at birth! We used to live in a house from the 70’s with low dark ceilings and ugly pink carpet. My friends all lived in beautiful trendy new construction homes. We lived on a big messy 40 acre farm with two huge dogs, they all have perfectly manicured 1/4 acre lots and no pets. We lived there till my kids were 7 and 5 and I think we had maybe 4 playdates at our house that whole time. I did have their birthday parties and Halloween parties there each year, but I spent a week cleaning and scrubbing and moving stuff around beforehand. I would have a complete panic attack if someone just stopped by!

Would you say that you have any perfectionist tendencies? I know it sounds silly - If you were a perfectionist, wouldn’t your house be spotless? I’ve learned that’s part of why my house looks the way it does. I get so overwhelmed when it comes to cleaning up because I make it so much harder than it needs to be. If I’m going to pick up toys, I don’t want to just throw them into bins, I want to go through them all and organize them. If I’m going to sweep the floor, I want to move all the furniture and get under everything and mop it all too. So instead, nothing gets done because I never have the time to do these huge projects!

I think we judge ourselves much harder than other people do. I know when I go to someone else’s house and there’s toys laying around I don’t think they’re a bad person. I’m actually secretly happy that they’re a little messy too!

And don’t let your MIL make you feel bad. My dad used to come over and criticize my house all the time. But then I reminded myself that he lives by himself, is retired, and has two cleaning ladies! Why am I getting upset at what he says? He’s never cleaned a toilet in his life!

Please don’t be hard on yourself. I think there’s more people like us than you would imagine. And I always tell myself my kids will remember all the fun things we did together, not that the house was a little messy because we out making memories!

20

Identify your “hot spots” (places where stuff accummulates). kitchen counter, hall table, all over the floor, at the top of the basement stairs.
Institute and implement a clean up schedule of those hotspots. every sunday before breakfast, every evening before dinner, every afternoon before leaving for extra curriculars.
Announce in advance when it is going to be done.
create new homes, or create access to the proper homes for this stuff.
recruit the kids in the clean up effort.
Thereafter on schedule, announce 15 minutes in advance of the purge that any toy, piece of school work, mail etc. still out/ not in its proper place will be discarded.

The toughest part of this plan is to abide by it yourself.

This is a good but small start to the fix.

PS-
you are your own person, you don’t have to adopt your mother’s phobias.

good luck to you and yours,
fanged bunny