So my 3 y/o daughter's dad got remarried about 6 months ago - and she adores her stepmom, which I AM happy about - but the last two times she's visited her dad (she's with them one day a week) - she's come home calling her "mama" (her dad and stepmom insist she called her that on her own)...and I'm sorry but it hurt. :( And I don't know whether I'd be within my rights to try and gently correct her, or if I should do my best to let it go. I fully believe that my daughter can never have too many people in her life who love her, and I totally get that biology alone doesn't makes a parent (her dad actually isn't biologically her dad, but is legally and in every way that matters) - believe me, I was a foster mom for 2 years before I became pregnant with my daughter. But where I'm the one who carried her for 9 months AND has been her mommy from the day she was born, it did crush me a little inside to hear her call another woman "mama". Don't get me wrong, I thank my lucky stars that he chose a woman that my daughter loves, and who cares so much about my child and treats her as her own. It could be ten times worse and I realize that. My daughter is my whole world, and I'm just scared that even though she's with me 95% of the time, that this woman might take my place in her little heart and that she'll forget who her real mommy is. :( Am I worried over nothing and should just let it go and not be worried about her being called "mama" as well? Or would I be within my rights to gently try and stop this? Thanks mamas.
Let it go.
Raising a child is not a competition. You met step mom, like and appreciate her, and appreciate that she is in your daughters life.
No one can take your place, but don’t let this scare you-because that could easily lead to trying to compete. Oh mama took you ice skating? How about mommy takes you to kiddy wonderland??
your feelings are justified. like you said, it’s great that the new stepmom is loving towards your daughter. as your daughter grows, she will know and make the distinction.
She will always know who her Mommy is, not matter what. When my DIL went back to work her pediatrician said baby will always know who her Mommy is. She is with us five days a week but has never wavered. She knows Mommy and Daddy belong to her! She loves being with us and has an incredible bond with Papa and me, YiaYia, but boy her Dada and Mommy are first and foremost.
Your brain has it all figured out, but your heart holds your feelings. This would sting my heart, too, I’m sure. But I’d let your daughter lead on this. Her mouths knows you both as mommy figures, but in her heart, you’ll always be the Real Deal.
I’ll bet, if you give it time, this will all sort itself out. She’ll either start calling her stepmom by another handle, or you’ll become confident of your special place in her life. You sound like a great mom; I think Molly’s a lucky girl.
I understand that it hurts you, but your daughter gets some kind of joy or sense of security from it. Her step mother’s title should be up to her. And the fact of the matter is this woman will, in some way, be a second mother to her for the rest of her life. Let her embrace her step mom as she sees fit. JMHO
I am an adult with 1 Mom & 1 Mama … My Mom raised me and gave birth to me my Mama is my Dad’s Widow (I hate using stepmom). It is all how you approach it with your little girl - yes it may hurt but as I told my Mom I had many mommies (friends’ moms) growing up but only 1 MOM. I get called Mommy by my daughter’s friends and I look at it as a compliment. My girls call their friends Mom’s Mommy/Momma/etc and it makes me feel good that they love my girls enough and my girls love them.
You know you can’t correct her.
How am a 3 year old understand what she’s saying is “wrong”?
You know this.
It hurts-I’m sure.
But you’re the adult.
Just put your daughters happiness at the top of the list. And you can’t go wrong!
Does she also call you mama, or does she call you mommy? If she calls you mommy, it could be ok for her to call her stepmom mama, as it is different than what she calls you.
However, you need to decide NOW what you’re comfortable with. If you don’t want her calling the stepmom mama, you absolutely must change it now. You need to come up with an appropriate name (whether it’s her first name or a different term of endearment) and make sure everyone - including dad and stepmom - only call her by the approved name.
Also take into consideration the possibility of her dad and stepmom having kids of their own in the future. Your daughter may feel alienated if she calls the stepmom by her first name and the others call her mommy. For that reason, a term of endearment might be better. Or, a combo, like “Mama Julie” or “mama J”
Anyway, my son’s best friend lives 50% of the time with mom and 50% with stepmom and dad. He always calls them both mom. When he was little and first started doing it, the mom said it was ok. However, in reality, she is hurt by it and wishes he called the stepmom something else, but it’s too late to change it now. He also has two new little brothers with the dad and stepmom, so it’s easy for them all to call her the same thing. The mom recently remarried and he immediately started calling the stepdad “dad.” Real dad felt kind of uncomfortable, but knew he had to go with it since the mom has always allowed him to call the stepmom mom too.
As your daughter grows older, you will find that there are much bigger worries than her calling her stepmother mama.
My opinion is it is okay to call Joan by name and let your DD call her mama. Anything else may be confusing to her.
[Joan] will NEVER take your place in your DD’s heart. Just keep being you.
Correcting her will certainly confuse her. Don’t worry about it. She really does have 2 mom’s now. It hurts, I know, but in the long run she loves that woman too. You’re mom and will always be mom but she loves her too.
As a step mom it would be nice to be referred to by a caring name instead of by my first name but that’s a line which can never be crossed in my world. My stepdaughter’s mother would go ballistic. It feels weird to have only 2/3 of my kids call me some version of mom while 1/3 says my name. It creates difference where it’s not needed. Also it serves as constant reminder of my being stepmom and my stepdaughter being stepdaughter which serves to create unnecessary walls. Heck, I get called aunt by nieces and nephews I rarely see which creates and fosters our familial bond. Just another perspective… Good luck. I certainly understand your discomfort but encourage you to push through it.
I know I’m in the minority on this one but as a step-mom and a bio-mom myself, I think it’s entirely appropriate to introduce a name that you are all comfortable with that is not the same as your title. If she wants to call her Mama Sue (or whatever her first name is) while you are Mommy or Mama or Mom or whatever, then that’s fine. I have known my step-daughter since she was 3 and married her dad when she was 5 (she’s now 16). She has always called me by my first name because she has a mother and I’m not her. She hasn’t lived with her mother for the past 3+ years and has no contact with her, so I am certainly acting as her mother in all the ways that count, but it would be weird for her to call me “Mom.”
When she was younger, her mother got married and had two more kids. She lived with that step-father and by the time she was 3, was calling him “Daddy Jay” and my husband (who was then my boyfriend) was suddenly called “Daddy [firstname]” instead of just “Daddy” and before we knew it, she was calling the other guy “Daddy” and calling my husband by his first name! It took YEARS to break her of that habit because her mother and step-father were reinforcing that at home despite my husband’s requests not to do that. Thankfully that guy is out of her life for good now but it was very hurtful for my husband to have his role pushed aside like that.
Anyway…there are lots of terms of endearment besides the name that you go by for your daughter to use for her step-mother. Come up with something that’s acceptable to everyone and use it.
It’s normal for it to hurt. But no, she won’t replace you. Don’t worry. You will always be mom.
You’re obviously a great mom, you have nothing to worry about. Yes, let it go. It’s healthy for her to be able to call her mama.
I think that as long as she doesn’t call you both the same thing it is okay. I have a step mom and for a while when I was younger I called her ‘mommy-jess’ or ‘mama-jess’ never just ‘mama’ or ‘mommy’, though. I think you would be completely in your rights to ask that your child not call her fathers wife mama, though. its wonderful that your daughters step mother loves her, youre lucky in that sense… but if youre uncomfortable with it I think you should speak up. You are your daughters only mother and I completely understand why you wouldn’t want somebody ‘stealing your thunder’ (I couldn’t really think of a better way to say it). Maybe if you just suggest what I did when I was young 'Mama-(insert step-mothers name) so that YOU and only you can be ‘mama’ ‘mommy’ ‘mom’ ‘mother’ (whatever your daughter chooses to call you) do whatever makes you more comfortable because after-all you are her mother.
I think its ok that she calls her mama its different than mommy. when I was 2.5 my mom married my step dad. my brother was 1.5 and my sister 6 months old. we had my biological dad. and we caller her new husband daddy al. they were married only about 6 years. but he stayed in our lives until the day he died. It didn’t take away the fact that we had another dad. it definitly enriched our lives. Let it go. and be glad your ex has a new woman that loves your little one.
At 3, kids become obsessed with everyone that isn’t mommy. This is how they start to become independent. but don’t worry, as soon as they get hurt, they only want mommy again 
If it upsets you, I think you should talk to your ex-husband about it. Perhaps they can talk to her about what the stepmom should be called. I honestly don’t think it’s appropriate to call her “mama”. As she ages, the “mommy” for you will most likely be replaced by another more mature term. Usually Mom, but in the south we all say Mama.
I think it’s more confusing at her age to call you mommy and her mama- it’s just too close in pronunciation. People may get confused as to who she is actually referring to in conversation.
i love that you understand that your daughter’s not doing this to hurt you, and are so open to her having another woman in her life who loves her.
i too would really struggle with the ‘mama’ thing.
because your daughter is only 3, the solution needs to be very, very simple. can her stepmom be ‘mama ___’?
would your ex and his wife be open to helping out with that?
if not, don’t get too upset. there’s no way that her other mama can replace you. i’m very serious. however much she loves her stepmom, you will never be replaced or forgotten. if her dad and stepmom won’t join you, then let it go. be calm and patient and confident. you ARE the mama.
khairete
suz
Your hurt feelings are totally normal! I would be hurt, too. I think you should talk to your ex and his wife and ask them to help/support you by correcting your daughter the next time she calls her stepmom “mama.” I think she should call her by her first name. If her name is Anna, she should call her Anna - not even “stepmom Anna.” Just Anna. Hopefully they will agree with you and will help you out. You should also correct your daughter the next time you hear her refer to her as “mama.” Good luck!