My daughter just turned 3, and for the last 6 months or so has been incredibly hard to control.
She runs off, and she whines, but the worst of it is that she hits, HARD, she throws things at other children, pushes them down, and hits them with objects. She also screams at them. I can't potty train her, she doesn't get it.
I will immediately put her in time out, or take her home, EVERY TIME!, I am consistent about it, I have even swatted her behind a number of times as a last resort.
She goes to daycare one day a week, and they are starting to say she can't come back if this keeps on.
I am at a loss, she is such an absolute horror of a child, no fun at all, and I hate to say that. I do all sorts of things with her, we do crafts and go to the park, and shops, and nature walks, we watch hardly any tv, maybe an hour a day.
She has an older brother who is very loud and boisterous, and I think she emulates him a lot, but poor thing, he can just be sitting there and CLONK! she will walk up to him and hit him on the head with a flashlight or something, just to hear him scream!
I want some advice before I give her away!
I just want to add, she is clever, she knows her letters and numbers, she doesn't seem to be impaired mentally at all - just very difficult.
Most important: Ignore the negative and reward the positive. She should get very little attention when she does something bad, other than being put in her room for a brief time.
Then, anytime she does something good, reward her with lots of praise. I would guess she is getting way too much attention for negative behavior. Kids actually do thrive off of that kind of attention.
Don't overestimate the understanding of a three year old. However, without seeing the dynamic of your home, I think the best thing you can do is start giving her very little attention for negative behavior, just say "no" and then put her in her room for a while.
Talk to your pediatrician first, and see about getting her assesed. Just because she's smart, doesn't mean there might not be some other issue that needs help. From your description, something is off. It's good that you're seeing that the problem needs to be addressed. Good luck!
Wow, you have your hands full, now this might not be the proffessional thing to do or what kind of advice you would get from a proffessional, but you know when kids bite they say to bite them back and they will stop biting, I wander if you clonk her like she does her brother or other kids it would make her stop? Just an option, if it were be I would bust that butt everytime she did this, I know it seems harsh and people probably won't agree with me, but the bible says "spare the rod, spoil the child", if you don't get this stopped she is just going to get worse. I hope everything works out for you and her! I understand she is still a baby but she will be totally out of control the older she gets. Good luck!
I agree with Patricia. I'd talk to the pediatrician about getting her evaluated just because she is bright doesn't mean there is nothing going on.
Updated
I agree with Patricia. I'd talk to the pediatrician about getting her evaluated just because she is bright doesn't mean there is nothing going on.
Edited: I just read one of your older questions an you say you spank a lot....perhaps that is where her hitting stems from....
I would say you should talk to your pediatrician and seek professional help now, especially if she's exhibiting the same behavior at daycare. Usually they act up with mom and dad, and are angels for other people. The part about her hitting her brother over the head with a flashlight to hear him scream is especially worrisome. The earlier you intervene and get help for her, the better.
I am a daycare provider and have had a few children with similar behaviors. I can completely understand your frustration. I never found anything that seemed to work except consistency and time. She needs to know that there will be consequences every time. She also needs you to help control her environment until she gains some maturity and self control. I found that keeping them close to me at all times is very helpful. I find ways to keep them occupied as my helper. That way they feel important/needed (I want them to feel positive and not like I'm always upset with them) but are also close so I can redirect or stop bad behavior before someone got hurt. It takes a lot of effort on my part, but it prevents a lot of issues. Three can be a very trying age. Before you know it, with constistency and patience, she will be a lot more enjoyable.
I agree she should be checked out. Is this new behavior or has she been difficult her whole life? Especially if it is new get her checked out physically, and by an expert. My nephew had a weird virus that had to be detected by a neurologist. Antibiotics cured his "fits" of hysterical behavior. The virus came back a second year and his Mom picked up on the behavior quickly nipping it in the butt again with a trip back to the doc.
Don't assume she is just difficult, and if she is difficult, why? She can be a genius but still have learning issues and be frustrated causing bad behavior.
Get her physically checked out to your satisfaction, then check for learning issues. In the mean time consider buying the "Love and Logic" books and following their parenting techniques.
Good Luck. Who knows...... maybe your daughter is just a genius and feels stuck in a 3 year old body. She may just may be the first woman President and when she in inaugurated you can tell the press how "difficult" she was as a child.
Sounds like my daughter, and the good news is she made it celebrate her 14th birthday in January!! She was kicked out of daycares, the nursery at church wouldn't let her in, it was horrible. I started taking her in to see therapists at 3 - I just knew something was wrong with her. It wasn't until she was 10 she was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. At the end of the day, she couldn't handle change - so my be doing all these things with her, it was actually freaking her out due to no routine - I'm by nature very spontaneous and would just decide to do whatever on the spot - didn't work so well for her. If you feel or have a hunch somethings just not quite right, it probably isn't . Something that worked well for a few years was "Raising your spirited child". I'd say that worked from 3-5 and then she kind of outgrew the book and I was back to square one.
Will your insurance pay for a neuro-phych consultation? Dr. Sharon Johnson out of Glenview is really good. She specializes in children this age. Good luck!
So many possibilities come to my mind, from sensory processing problems, to parenting and environment, to reactions/sensitivities to foods or chemicals ( see http://itsnotmental.blogspot.com/2011/02/we-have-sick-children.html )
Without knowing what the cause is, I would attack it on several fronts at once. Take the child to a pediatrician and an M.D. specializing in Integrative medicine and get a THOROUGH physical evaluation inside and out - hormonal, nutritional, food sensitivities... I would seek family counselling in order for the parenting to not just be evaluated - but it can be very difficult to deal with the behaviors and you can get pointers on how normal parents can deal with abnormal behaviors. I would stop the TV entirely. I would be just the foods given are mostly organic, whole foods, and maybe even do some food eliminations to see if it helps - like with dairy or gluten - but that requires educating yourself about the topic - it is not easy since there are hidden sources - especially in processed foods. I have first-hand experience with children who had "behavior" and "mental" problems and unfortunately were medicated psychiatrically for years only to find out later there were simple things that could have prevented the years of their lives lost to it - things that worked like changing diet! Unbelievable... and the research on that has been around for over 30 years yet the psychiatrists never even mentioned it to us!
Have you spoken with her pediatrician yet about these extreme behaviors? That would seem to be a logical first step. If necessary, they will refer you to a specialist. I don't think these behaviors are "normal" at all, and you certainly sound like you're at your wits end. Your child will pick up on your frustration, and feed into it, so best to get this under control as quickly as possible. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm pretty sure it's not hitting (or, as one mom posted below, "clonking her like she does her brother"). Violence only breeds more violence. Clearly it's not working anyway, so you need to come up with a Plan B. I suggest making an appointment to have her evaluated as soon as possible. Good Luck.
Get profressional help and don't stop until you are 100% satisfied. Research and ask a lot of questions. Demand the Doctors time and do not let them tell you it is normal. Keep looking until you find a Doctor who will listen and take this seriously.
By any chance is she on Singulair? Singulair turned my little girl in to a very emotional and angry little girl. When we took her off my sweet little girl was back.
I would have her evaluated. Please do not respond by hitting her as one person suggested. There are countless studies that show that hitting does not help.
I'm not in your shoes but am sure you are desperate for answers. I hope you find them soon.
Allison:
First off I'm sorry you are going through this.
Removing her from the situation is the way to go. At age 3 she should be able to express herself WITHOUT violence.
Once she is removed from the situation - ask her WHY she did that.
Does she WANT to hurt others? if so - WHY? Keep it simple - do NOT overload her with questions - but at 3 she SHOULD be talking and using her words instead of her hands.
You may be consistent with removing her - but are you consistent with punishment as well - when she won't listen, hits her brother, etc. does she have toys or privileges taken away from her? If not - make it consistent - if she can't keep her hands to herself - then she cannot have anything that she can hurt others with.
I would also enroll her in a martial arts class - I know - I know - I know - but even at 3 - the Masters will work with her to instill self-control, etc. try it and see. She may be on the HIGH end of hyperactivity and her brain is going 1000 miles a minute when everyone else's is going 10 miles a minute.
I would DEFINITELY call my pediatrician TODAY to set up an appointment ASAP to have her evaluated.
wow I feel bad....but I fell bad for you both! I'm sure she picks up on your frustartiation and feelings towards her....maybe you need a week off being a mommy and let her stay with a relative and see if the time away givs you new perspective...maybe when ypu're taking a much needed mommy vaca you can schedule the appointments others reccomended....btw that was the same time frame my duaghter and all her friends went "crazy" riight around 3...we always said we didn't understand the phrase terrible 2's and that 3's were soooo much worse!!! Did she start something new like school, new teacher, new relative...I also agree that hitting makes it worse....btw shes going to be an awesome spirited kid and adult...if you guys make it through all in good mental health=)
Keep being consistent. My daughter went through something similar at age 3, maybe not to the extent as your daughter but this is how we handled it:
Hit, pushes, yells, screams, take away something from someone else...
1) Time Out
2) Talk about WHY she is in a time out. If she is whiny, screaming or not listening I DO NOT talk to her till it stops.
3) We did not have a set time limit, the BIGGEST thing for us was she HAD to stay in time out till she said sorry to whomever for whatever she did. Yes sometimes that took up to 30-60mins for her to calm herself down and stop throwing a fit but we never gave in so after a few months she needed no more then 5-10 mins in a time out before she calmed down and apologized for whatever she did or did not do. At age 4 it is with-in minutes usually, unless she is super tired and then it is just time for bed/nap!
4) AFTER she apologizes we talk about a better way she can handle the situation.
-------- You want to play with a toy, ask for it nicely (please) and if they say no or later then you have to find something else to play with. No hitting or screaming at the person.
-------- You are frustrated with someone or yourself, take a few deep breaths and either walk away or try again in tackling the situation.
For us the spanking actaully made the issue worse, because to our daughter it was that hitting got someone to behave and do what you want. Here is what happened that made me rethink spanking I said "Do not hit to get your way." Her reply "But mommy you spank me to get me to behave the way you want." WHAT!!!! Yup I never use spanking anymore.
Just a side note, my daughter was not potty trained till she was 4 years old. She is very intelligent (at age 4 reading at a 2/3 grade level, counts to 300 and so on), to me it seemed between age 2 and 4 she was so focused on teach/learning to count/numbers, read/letters, shapes/colors, science and so on that her mind did not care to focus any anything else. We by NO means pushed her into learning, it is just something she loves so we kept handing her challenges to keep her interested in learning. Seriously my daughter could tell you all about gas, solid, liquids and gravity like she was in high school (helps that daddy is an engineer and is all about science).
We realized that even though our daughter was intelligent that does not mean she will be that intelligent when handling a simple issue politely, that needs to be taught and she needs to be reminded a lot to have it just happen. It seemed to take about a year for us to teach our daughter the tools she needed to handle different situations and for her to handle most issues politely and respectfully. It helped for me to think ok if it happened to me how would I handle it, ok then I simple tell me daughter how to handle it. Also the house rules posted and read through daily for a while will really help to remind daughter, who is a smarty, that you remember the rules too and to obey and be respectful of everyone.
Write a list of House Rules. Post them in the kitchen. Read them with/to her at breakfast, lunch and dinnertime. Institute a CONSISTENT consequence every time she disobeys a rule. Acknowledge when she IS following the rules.
Please don't "swat" her as a last resort.
At 3, consistency is the key. So keep that up. But you must be clear as far as your expectations and that must not change from day to day.
Please don't "give her away" or call her a "violent brat".
If you spank only as a last resort, after behaviors have not been successfully handled numerous times past the point of escalation, it is not consistent, and it shows you have lost any and all control of the situation and it can pretty much be discarded. That's not to say it doesn't work-spanking works extremely well to nip serious offenses, it worked with all 3 of my kids and their 30+ cousins, but NOT in this context.
Leaving a location because a child is acting out does not teach them to act well in a location. You should never leave (unless you were already leaving and then don't forget the REAL consequence-because leaving isn't a consequence-you're the only one suffering from the de-railed mission after going to all the effort to get there. The real consequence serves as the reason she will heed your advance warning next time).
You should give ONE calm warning at the very BEGINNING of an attempt to do wrong behaviors, and when that warning is not heeded, remove the child immediately for a firm consequence (car, restroom), let them calm down, assure them that you know they will act well now because if they don't you'll be right back here for another consequence, but if they act like the nice child they are, you can proceed with the nice day. Go back to the location, and repeat as necessary. This will almost never be necessary if you have always been consistent at home, it should only serve as a reminder that the same is expected in public. So, if she's playing, and then suddenly, she's got that ornery look in her eye, and she's starting to snatch toys and toss them toward kids, don't wait until she's violently throwing stuff at someone, give her one warning to be nice and not throw stuff. The MOMENT she picks up something else to brattily toss-Boom!, you're on it. Remove, consequence, return to play. Her assaults may occasionally come from out of nowhere, but usually not. The really bad things kids do have usually escalated from some ornery first signs which can be nipped.
Time outs may work in extremely easy kids-which your daughter is not. They do tend to enable tanturms. Even if you can get her to cooperate with the time out, it's so lenient, and allows her to stop the tantrum "in her own good time" it will not deter future episodes, because who cares about sitting somewhere else to have a fit? She still gets to have the fit. It's NOT FIRM.
Your consequence needs to be the same (firmest) for everything, ALWAYS after the first warning, so she quickly learns your warning is serious and is her last chance to stop the behavior. She needs to believe you when you warn her advance of how to behave in a situation. Sounds harsh, but it's fast and temporary.
If you had addressed her VERY FIRST ATTEMPTS at EVER hitting another child firmly and immediately, it would never have continued. Same with whining, tantruming, pushing, throwing things. Same consequence, second warning, EVERY TIME, she would have gotten the idea very quickly. That's not to say you were wrong to give time outs and leave locations, and allow a certain amount of escalation when you let things slide, and gave random swats here and there, it's just the reason it's out of control at 3. Which is good news. there is nothing wrong with her, she is very clever, she gambles, and she's just gotten away with this so far.
It's very hard to be diligent. It's very hard to be firm. No one likes to. But, At 3 years old, you've lost about 2 years of "easy prevention" ground. She'll fight hard to maintain control and probably get worse before she gets better, but you can turn this around. Explain the new regime, and follow through. Work at home the most and accept that she'll try you in public for a while. She's no dummy. But you can prevail. She only needs to know what the boundaries are and that they are not movable. Once she has her self control (it's astonishing how suddenly tantrums and aggression are easy to control if it might mean a consequence they hate enough), then it becomes the norm to her, and after that, her desired behavior. It's normal for you to have to enforce it first. I've never met a kid who made all the right choices because their parents were nice and fair all the time. Conversely, these are the kids with the worst behavior. Besides, it is fair to give a consequence after a warning for a negative behavior, because in life, you get consequences for wrong behavior. So never feel bad. This is temporary. If you prevail, you'll have a new, happier, sweeter daughter who respects you and has more confidence and pride because she's getting praised for right behavior and having a nicer life with people liking her more everywhere she goes.
During discipline, remember, you're not angry. You're teaching what NOT to do going forward. Not punishing random things that happened like accidents. She's doing her job (boundary pushing)You're doing your job (discipline after clear warning). Don't get angry or send the message you've lost control. Calm warning, calm firm follow through. She needs to know it's a result of her choice, not your anger. Its normal she's trying these things at this age, don't worry about hr character. She wont' sympathize with her "hittees"or care about what you "say about feelings" until she's a little older and her foundation is firmly set (if you firmly set it).
In addition to firming up, make sure her environment is loving and positive (sounds like you give her a wonderful life already). The contrast between consequences for wrong, and her everyday life, needs to be DRASTIC and CLEAR. Not muddy.
You should read the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson for and excellent model of how to be both positive AND firm. We almost never need discipline around here anymore, the kids are great. Effective discipline is hardly ever needed, you should put this phase behind you as soon as possible.
Good luck!
Believe me, I'd be pulling my hair out too. My great nephew is the worst child in the world to be around. In fact, no one hardly ever goes around him for this fact. He a constant screamer, whinner, falling out on the floor, wanting what other kids have, throws things, bites, you name it...he does it. He has just turned 3. He is NOT taken in public for this reason. Won't sit still, won't eat. Unruly. And we have it all to thank his Grandma (who basically raises him...mother no good). She has spoiled the crap out of him. She will even give him a knife at the table to keep him from screaming, or the salt and pepper, he will empty them on the table. Doesn't matter what its...she doesn't wanna hear the screaming. Let him play in her glass of ice water with his hand all the way to the bottom of the glass. There are no limits. Now she is paying for it.. he orders her around all day like she is a slave. BUMP THAT.....I'd spank that butt no matter what all the expert moms say and put him in that room and lock the door.