Mother's Day for Mother's of Adult Children that Don't Call

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1

Happy Mother's Day Mom's
I changed this due to feeling it was too sad and was not helping anyone. I am really trying to deal with not hearing from my only child and I have other things I am dealing with as well. I was trying so hard to be strong and say I don't have to worry, she needs to live her own life, but I really am struggling.

Hi Mom's, I was raised in a very close family that cared for each other through good times and bad times, in sickness and in health. My father passed away when I was 30 and I lost my mother over 3 years ago and miss her very much. We talked every week. My daughter did not engage with my mother during the last few years of her life. She has disowned my brother who has mental illness, and I guess that is okay. He has rage issues, and I do not have much of a relationship with him either.

Everything I say or do seems to bother my daughter. We are supposed to travel together in two weeks and she cannot even call more or answer an email or anything. I know she is super busy trying to move and may be stressed out, but this neglect is hurting me very much. As we all know, it takes very little time to email or text. It makes me feel so bad, and she has caused others to feel badly due to ignoring them. I know I need to get a life, but family has always been so important to me, and my family is her now, that's it. I was hoping to meet someone and have a life, but that has not happened. The men I meet do not interest me. I am 54 now and worried I may end up lonely and alone. I go out and do things, but it is so difficult to meet someone you can date. I am not interested in the ones that are interested in me and the one I was interested in, well so were many other women! Sounds like high school. I know I need to get a life and I have been trying to all of these years, believe me. A hobby or bookclub does not take the place of a family. Friends cannot be there for you in the same way. I am just very lonely and would love one close relationship. I wish I could have found a husband, but over twenty years have gone by and the relationships I had were all wrong. I pray everyday that God can help me, because I am going downhill. I left my job that I had for ten years, it was killing me. I saved and took some time off, but now I need to go back to work and I am worried about finding a job. I have been doing independent projects, but the money is slowly going down and with it all of my confidence. Now I feel like I am a loser, my daughter is not there for me, my friends are worried about me, and I am having terrible anxiety and no one to share this with. I can't do anything anymore. I have something I want to publish but have such doubts and fears of doing something substandard. So I m stalling. Thanks for resonding.

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Wow. That’s a lot to read. I had to skim it. Were you thinking of sharing this with your daughter?

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Jean, that is one of the saddest things I have ever read. I am truly sorry that your daugther has made you feel that way. Of course I don’t know you and perhaps there is reason for her to distance herself from you, but I wholeheartedly disagree that adult children owe their parents nothing and that it’s an unexpected treat to receive a phone call or visit from an adult child. Sorry, but that’s BS. Unless there is something legitimately dysfunctional and unhealthy about a parent-child relationship, adult children do owe their parents their love, support, and attention. To ignore the people who raised you is ignorant and self-absorbed. Adult children have their own lives and families and those usually need to come first, but to think that there’s no room in an adult child’s life for his or her own parents? Ridiculous. Ten years ago, I watched my family and my husband’s family drop everything to tend to my grandfather and my grandfather-in-law, who both died of breif illnesses in their 80s. And again this year, we all put our lives on hold for my grandmother, who died of a brief illness and my grandmother-in-law, who is terminally ill. I know that my children have seen this in action. They know that this is what families do in crisis, and that throughout the year, we make time for our parents and grandparents for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or just Sunday dinner or a ball game. They see us have good relationships with our parents and I fully expect that from this, they will learn how to treat us and their in-laws when they are grown.

Families are supposed to attend to and take care of each other through generations. I’m sorry that your daugther managed to not get that message. I hope she does something nice for you for mother’s day.

I want to clarify something - yes it’s important that you realize that your job in raising her is done and that you can’t rely on your children for happiness and fulfillment. That you have to have and live your own life and she needs to have and live hers alone? Agree 100%! But to say that it’s OK for a child to not call or even visit for holidays? Not OK in my book.

4

I do not have that issue. My adult son is 99.9% there for me.

However, I feel for mothers who are abandoned by their children.

Read some of the posts by the mothers here who seem to support their husbands or themselves being ‘too busy’ to call their parents.

All I can say is that their own children are watching them.

5

I think this is a great letter for you to read whenever you need to. I would not share it with your daughter… I hope it gives you strength but I also hope your daughter comes back around. She will i think. But hopefully this all gives you strength in the meantime. Likely you will evolve a bit and when she comes back around, your new attitude will make her respect you even more.

6

I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry you didn’t have more than one child so you wouldn’t be so lonely. Your letter says in a way I never could why parents shouldn’t have just one child.

Maybe other moms will read this and my post and see many reasons why they should have children, not a single child.

My mom called me every week for years and years. My kids heard me talking to my mom on a weekly basis and in turn each of them call me on a regular basis. Not every week, but I hear from all eight at least once per month. Some time on the phone, sometimes via e-mail, sometimes via Skype and sometimes at my home for Sunday dinner.

My suggestion to you is for you to call her every week and you will eventually get it to where she is there for you.

Good luck to you and yours.

7

Jean,

I am so saddened by your letter. Saying a prayer for you and your daughter to reconnect and grow…

Best wishes!

8

It’s a beautiful letter, Jean, but I truly hope you don’t send it to your daughter. Give her a better gift than the letter. Give her the gift of TIME. You two don’t have a toxic relationship. She will come around when she is ready to talk, and then you ask her how HER life is going and let her tell you. Answer her questions, but don’t go into detail unless she asks. Keep the focus on her and the kids. And be upbeat about her life.

If she starts to share problems with you, just listen and give her platitudes, like “I’m sorry, Honey. What will you do to fix it?” That kind of thing.

I have a friend whose daughter has mental illness. The grown daughter told her that she didn’t want to see her again, and would instead see her in heaven. She didn’t even come to see her father when he died. A couple years after the death of her father, she invited her mother over. They see each other about once every six months now. The mother never pushes, never gives advice. She is just “there”, listening to her daughter. She is pleasant and tries not to trouble her.

I asked her how she coped with the thought that her daughter would never see her again. She told me that she visualized laying her daughter on the altar in a church and giving her to God. She said that it took the hurt away. She now feels that God gave her back her daughter in a small way. (You can tell that she is a very religious woman.)

So, just bide your time and I think that you will have a mom/daughter relationship with her. Just remember that you aren’t on top of the relationship. At this point, she is equal to you as her own person and a mother in her own right.

Good luck.

9

Jean,

It’s a beautiful letter, but it hits home for me. I understand where you are coming from as my relationship with my daughter is not what I envisioned it to be and I am giving my daughter time, space and respect to hopefully, one day, turn things around. However, I also realize that sometimes, it is what it is. Some children are incapable of empathy.

I lost my mother last year. I miss her terribly:( She died at 85 years old. My mother and I were very close throughout our lives. We had our bad times and we had our good times. During the latter years of my mother’s life, she developed dementia and could no longer care for herself. I did the best I could to care for her, but with a family of my own and my mother being very demanding, I had to place her in an assisted living facility. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. Despite all, my mother always had and always will have a special place in my heart. After reading your letter, I could NEVER live with myself if I treated my mother the way you describe your daughter in this letter. For me, it’s just wrong and I feel bad for you.

Like I mentioned before, not every child is empathetic toward their parent. Some children never get it. It takes a compassionate and selfless person to forgive and move on.

I wish you the best.

10

Jean:

I am REALLY sorry that this is going on.

Please STOP pushing her. Stop e-mailing her. Stop calling. Stop texting. Yes, I get that you are supposed to travel together in a few weeks - you need to proceed as if she’s NOT going. Does it hurt? Heck yeah!

Just because she is your flesh and blood, does NOT mean she has the same values as you do.

While I understand your plight and cannot fathom not having a relationship with my mom or dad…thank God they are still alive…she’s got her own life.

This does NOT make you a loser. Yes. She is your daughter. You raised her. Got that. But she is an adult. Living her own life. Stop making this about YOU. What YOU need. What YOU want. I know that’s hard to hear. I’m NOT trying to be mean.

Look at things from HER side. Do you have a volatile or toxic relationship? No. You don’t. You have a strained relationship. It MIGHT be due to your being too needy for her. She’s independent. You did your job right. She’s on her own and NOT begging your for money. She’s NOT begging to come home to live because she can’t make it on her own. You raised a strong, independent woman. You are NOT a loser.

You have made choices. You left your job. Now you need to find a new one. Okay. So do it. You CAN do it.

Attitude is everything. And to be honest? Yours sucks. I get you have health problems - but let’s say I’m your daughter. You are, in essence, war dialing me daily giving me a guilt trip for not calling back, not e-mailing, etc. I’m sorry - I don’t want to hear it. So when I see your number? Yep. Gonna let it go to voice mail. YOU WANT. YOU NEED. It’s not about ME. What about how MY day is. What about how MY love life is? What about MY job? It’s all about you, your “stuff”.

Now, I am going to be harsh. This is the tough love moment.

You have had your pity pot moment.
You have wallowed in your grief.
Now GET OFF your pity pot.

Get your resume fine-tuned and start looking for that job.
Make a plan. If the money is running low, get your ducks in a row and take action. Stop complaining about the money running low and fix it.

You do NOT need someone else to validate you.
You do NOT need someone else’s approval to publish anything. Where there is a will - there is a way. Where is your will? Are you going to DO something about it or are you ONLY going to whine and complain? Sorry - but if it’s the latter? People will NOT WANT to be around you. People can only do so much for you - the rest is up to you. I can’t publish your book for you. I can’t make money magically appear in your checking account. I can’t fix your health. This is ALL UP TO YOU.

I realize money is running out. Find a therapist. Get a plan. Get a job. YOU CAN DO THIS. Stop stopping yourself. Negativity is drowning you.

Tough love over. Please read carefully and know that what is written is NOT meant to be mean. It’s a wake up call. Okay? ONLY YOU CAN FIX THIS. Leave your daughter out of it. Stop. let her come to you. Stop trying to make a relationship with her. She’s not ready. She’s not there.

Good luck!

11

oh, my dear.
i am so sorry. you’ve had some real challenges, and there’s no way to wish away this degree of loneliness and anxiety.
you must address this. you MUST take steps to help yourself. and that means talking to a counselor, taking positive steps each and every single day, and if necessary, taking an anti-depressant. some sort of daily physical activity will be one of the best gifts you can give yourself.
and if you want to have any sort of future relationship with your daughter, you MUST stop clinging to her desperately, like the lifeline you clearly believe she is. she cannot be your child, your best friend, your companion, your sounding board, your cheerleader. and the best husband in the world can only fill bits and pieces of these holes.
you DO have a life. but your depression is preventing you from recognizing it. we are the same age, and i can tell you that waiting for X to happen (in your case meeting someone) before life begins means that you are squandering your most precious resource- the life you have now. you won’t get this time back.
please, make an appointment today. i want to see that in your SWH. today. please.
khairete
suz

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You are holding on to a lot of “shoulds” about your daughter’s behaviors. Reality is very different and the difference between your expectations and reality are what is causing your suffering.

Try Byron Katie’s website www.thework.com. She has amazing tools to support you in questioning all the stressful thoughts that you are having. There are free videos and all the worksheets are free to download.

13

It is not your daughter’s responsibility to fill a void in your life and by demanding that you are going to drive her away. You are pretty much asking her to take the role of spouse. I know if I did that to my kids they would run for the hills.

Get a therapist! Your daughter is your daughter.

My older daughter lives across the state, she will always be there when I need her but if I were needy she would draw a line. When my mom was needy I drew a line. Sorry but I get she raised me but when she was trying to destroy my mental stability with her needs I am going to save myself.

Your needs are more than any child can bear.

Wow, so I looked at your other question and your one answer, you really have no idea what it is like to be the forced support system for someone with a mental problem like depression or worse. Everything is me me me, I need without any regard for her needs. Again she is your child not your therapist.

14

I’m 46, an only child and have only my mom left, everyone else has passed away, so I’m sort of in your same situation with my mom. My mom used to expect me to keep in contact constantly with her. She would call me and if the kids interrupted the call, she would get huffy and say, “ok, you need to deal with the kids, I’ll let you go” and before I could say anything, she’d hang up on me. She didn’t understand that MY life didn’t revolve around her. Finally, after my divorce and I met and married someone else, it got better. But only because I HAD to distance myself from her and set some boundaries. It also helped that my mom got a job (she also wasn’t working) and she got a boyfriend too. So now she is busy with her own life. My kids see her every other Saturday afternoon when we drop them off for a couple hours and I chat with her once a week or so, maybe not even that much. So yes, you need to get a job AND a man AND a life and not make it your daughters responsibility to make you happy. Once you do these things, you will be more respectful of HER life and HER time and the time you do talk and spend together will be more meaningful. Good luck.

15

I answered your last post–I’m the one with the brother who doesn’t keep in touch with anyone. I said I thought the best thing to do was to be available to your daughter, but wait for her to reach out to you. But after reading this most recent post of yours, I’m thinking you may also need to set aside a time to talk with her, and just lay it all out on the line. Tell her exactly how you’re feeling, how her not keeping in touch is effecting you, etc. Try to stay calm and not accuse her, but just be honest. You said something that really struck me–you said that friends cannot take the place of family, that it’s not the same. Your daughter is your only family, and she is not acting the way that a daughter should (in my opinion). So I’m thinking here that maybe a friend WOULD treat you better than she would. I have issues with a few family members–and I have found friends who are more willing to help me than my own mother is. That doensn’t mean they take the place of my mom, but I certainly can count on them, and I can’t always say that about my mom. So my other advice would be to reach out to others, live your life. You don’t need a man–if you find a good one, great. But get involved in activities to meet friends and have fun. Life will feel more fulfilling. I’m also thinking of my mother-in-law here. Just two weeks ago, we lost my father-in-law suddenly. They live overseas and have two children–my husband, and then my sister-in-law, who is also about to move out of the country. When that happens, my mother-in-law will have no one nearby (well, a few sisters). She has taught me so much–she is so strong. She’s involved in art classes and and art group. She misses my FIL, but she is living life. I hope my answer makes sense, and didn’t come across as offensive, because I didn’t mean it to sound that way. Good luck to you.