Earlier this year my husband and I were asked to be the Master and Mistress of Ceremonies for our (his) niece’s wedding. We were thrilled and are really looking forward to the wedding in September. Our three children are members of the bridal party as well. My husband and I have been able to spend a fair amount of time with the bride and groom and have gotten to meet many members of the groom’s family. I’ve also been able to be at the bridal shop for fittings for all the girls including the bride. The seamstress took time to show me how the bridal gown needs to be bustled at the reception etc. I’m familiar with the rules of etiquette for weddings and have discussed things with the happy couple so that all of their needs/requests can be met. We’ve made a checklist, timeline along with which photos to get and where. Needless to say, it will be very organized. Here’s where the problem comes in: my mother-in-law (and grandmother of the bride)! She will go behind me and “fix” my “mistakes”. I can expect her to re-pin the corsages, make her own requests with the photographer and “change” whatever else I’m involved with. My husband is oblivious to this and has been for all the years we’ve been married. My kids understand “Grandma” but they’ll be unable to distract granny away from me. I know my mother-in-law doesn’t like me and I doubt she ever will but the bride and groom will be my priority of the day and I’ll be delegating tasks for my husband to do. In addition to talking discretely with the photographer, caterer, minister, DJ etc., what else can I do to prevent disasters? My father-in-law will be no help and there really aren’t any other family members who can keep her occupied and away from “helping” me. I’ve suggested that she act as hostess at the church entrance and help introduce guests before they’re seated but she’ll still find a way to get behind the scenes. She nearly ruined things for my wedding and I don’t want her to do that to anyone else. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. I neglected to mention that my mother in law believes that if you’re married, the corsages should be pinned on upside down as “proof”. I’ve talked with several florists and they’ve never heard of such a thing. Corsages should be pinned the way the flower grows and most are upwards. This is just one way for her to make me look bad. It’s a vicious game we play. I’ve learned to bite my tongue and bear with it for the sake of my husband and children.
I would make a matter of fact statement ahead of time to the minister, dj, etc that though she means well, the grandma will try to direct the event, but should be politely ignored, as it is paramount that the bride and groom whose requests you represent, have the wedding they envisioned. Everyone understands that, and as far as you MIL, I suggest finding her something (or somethings) that sounds important, indulges her meddlesome streak, and keeps her busy. She's likely to complain about any role you give her, but I'm sure you know by now what roles she might enjoy - no matter what protests she offers before or after. And relax, I'm sure all the kids know "grandma" by now and realize she's a bit of a character. If she does get out of line, it will be a reflection on her that other family members have come to expect. Our "grandma" is bold, crazy, rude, and medddlesome :) We, her grandchildren have just learned to expect that she will add a unique flavor to our events, and we've learned to damage control her attempts at "setting us straight". In fact, she's something of a running joke... :)
Also, I'd remind the happy couple that something will likely "go wrong" on their wedding day (grandma or no) - it seems like something inevitably does, but that no matter what, they should just stay relaxed, go with it, and celebrate the fact that they are (or will soon be) joined in marraige, promised to love each other for the rest of thier lives, and nothing, nothing should be worthy of overshadowing that.
you cant say anything to mother in law but I wouls mention it to the bride and groom without worrying them just so they can make it clear to her their expectations and who is the coordinator - done tactfully it may help... otherwise get a small crew together to watch her and run damage control...
Let her repin and go behind all she wants...just make it clear to the dj, caterer, etc. beforehand that she 'may' interfere, but the bride and groom have requested that things be this way and just smile and nod when she makes a request to change. You won't change her, but you can prevent a disaster!
Hi Mary,
It sounds like she is trying to put her 2 cents in. I would find things for her to do to be helpful. At my wedding my grandma made little sandwiches and fruit for after the wedding but before the reception. While we were taking pictures it was nice to have some little snacks to eat. So I would find things for her to do to keep her occupied. Also remember its one day. It will be nice even if everything isn't perfect. I think people get so wrapped up in the wedding day. My wedding day was great even though there were a few misshaps. We laughed about them then and now. Who really cares. Its about the marriage not the day. Anyway, good luck and dont stress out to much.
Chris
definately give her some jobs...
things like greeting and introducing is great, but you gotta take it a step farther... Ask the bride if there is anyone that is going to be at the wedding that maybe lost a hubby /wife/ child/ parent in the last year. Or out of towners that need to be "shown a good time". Put her incharge of people and make sure to fill in a back story... Ask her to do things like the refreshments during the pics and rehersal... To arrange the seating placement for the rehersal dinner... or to supervise the ushers when the guests are arriving to make sure they are seating people efficently... Stuff like that...
And yes, tell the photog, priest, caterer, florist, etc... to just ignore her politely or run what she say spast you first...
I agree with Lacy. Let her do the little things like re-pin the corsages. But, talk with the photographer, DJ, etc and let them know that they are to only take orders from you and see you if they have any questions.
Let them know that grandma might be right behind you making changes, but the bride has but you in charge.
The day of the wedding, take a second to talk to the photographer, etc and remind them. And this way they will know what you are wearing and remember what you look like. In case they need to find you.
I am sure it isn't the first time they have had to deal with a situation like this.
Hi there Mary,
Sounds like a Monster-in-law problem. Something tells me, your mother in law wanted that job for the wedding. If she never liked you, chances are she never will. But guess what... You don't care!!!! Be as nice and polite as you can. You can't change her, you can only change how you respond to her. As far as the wedding goes. I would talk to your niece. But don't make it sound like you are complaining about it. Ask her if it's OK with her that her grandma will probably end up changing/modifying some things at her wedding. Tell her that you have noticed that grandma is re-doing things that you've done and that it's OK with you (even if it's not), but ask if it's OK with the bride. Since grandma doesn't like you, she won't listen to you, but she'll listen to the bride if she asks her to "stay away". I think it's best that the bride herself gets grandma occupied with another "very important" responsibility at the wedding. If the bride is not aware of what's going on, make sure she knows. Or you may end up with some chaos at the wedding, when grandam stalls everyone to flip those corsages up side down. :-) However, if the bride is OK with her grandma rearranging everything, then there isn't much that you can do. Mothers-in-law are just one of those things you have to accept and deal with - like paying taxes :-)
Oh my gosh Mary. I have been married for 28 years and have a 26,25, and 21 year. I have had the same issues for 28 years...Interference all the time. we had a blow up one time over shoes that my children had by the door. I would love to chat further; I still get the same treatment 28 years later even with the kids out of the house. she has to control everything anytime we have parties. Suggestion. I learned a few years back. Just go with the flow, enjoy the wedding, have fun and pretend she is not anywhere near you. That will bother her if you ignore her - if she fixes your coursage - thank her. Tell her the florist never heard of wearing it upside down and you are wearing it the way you want. Be bold. Tell her go ahead and wear yours the way you chose and instruct her to call the florist on her own. Be thankful and over gracious; she is doing this on purpose to make you upset... Try it for one day and I would love to know what happens. For years my husband was on her side and it took 22 years before he realized what she was doing. I was never good enough for her son. Mary, trust me on this one. Play it like it doesnt bother you and keep her busy with other activities. Just make sure everyone knows how she is and let them handle it in their own bold way. everyone needs to tell her no that is not the way and I'm sorry we will do it our way. Step up and speak up. I bit my tongue for too many years and you know what she has tried the same thing with my brotherinlaw and sisterinlaw but he knows our situation and he tells her what she doesnt want to here and does his own thing and it worked..the bad thing was all of these years is that our husbands let it happen and so it made the example that it was okay.
I could go on Mary; I'm sorry, have a great day!
Lori Pero, [email protected]
My sympathies. I really like mine, and although I have the advantage that she's overseas, I know she wouldn't interfere if she lived here.
Well is it possible she's still feeling left out? Like you were asked for help and she still doesn't feel as involved? You could ask the caterer, etc when you discuss things that you have the last word and to walk away when you're done, so that MIL doesn't have a chance.
Gotta remember, whether or not you have issues, You're going to be around a lot longer. Generally. Or unless she drives you nuts enough to jump off a cliff! She wants these most memorable occassions to last and she only knows them a certain way. Have the bride give grammy certain tasks that keep her away from you.
I got the best piece of advice from a counselor on how to deal with difficult people. You cannot control what someone else does. If she wants to pick a fight about something you've done, simply say, "If it helps you to see things that way, I'm ok with that." OR "Knowing you the way I know you, I can understand how you see things this way." This totally shuts down their ability to fight. You acknowledge their feelings without agreeing but don't get into a pissing contest.
She's trying to one-up you and this is her pattern. Let her go, talk to the right people ahead of time. They know the chain of command. If she gets insistent with them, they should direct her to you. Then you can say, "oh, that's a nice idea. I'll get right on that." And get on your merry, busy way.
We have no relationship with our inlaws because we asked them to stop saying things like, "You're too fat and we're taking your food away." and "You're lazy and you need to get a job and make some money!" (I'm a sahm) and my all time favorite was when we got engaged, "Why don't you just live together instead of getting married?!" Then they started in on little comments/making fun our our kids when they were starting to understand. When your almost 3 year old says, "Mommy, why is Auntie so mean to you?" it's time to shut that behavior down and protect your kids feelings. So we told them that we couldn't continue the relationship if they continued their mean behavior. They walked away 4 years ago.
Mother-in-law issues are horrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with someone so immature! I hope your husband pulls his head out of the sand and steps up too! (It took my husband 8 years and much prompting from counselors and friends - but he was not oblivious. Just choosing not to participate.) His first priority is protecting you and your kids, not his mother's lopsided feelings! Hope the day goes well in spite of her.
Hello Mary, Since your obligation is to the bride and groom at their request, have a discrete conversation with them about the matter. If they are concerned then try to find a way between all of you to keep your MIL distracted. But if they don't seem concerned then you will just have to ignore your MIL as you usually do. Others will notice and it will reflect badly on her, not on you. Good luck.
Give it your all, and hope she stays out of your way. You are not responsible for this grown woman. Thank God for the man you have and remember you can't pick the in-laws or or they out-laws. :)
You need to blow it off, and ignore it...let her "help" where she thinks she's helping. There is nothing worse, then tension among the "helpers" at your wedding. I've seen WAY too many weddings be "ruined" by it.
You say she ruined yours as well...don't get caught up in it again
i know how it is to have an interfering in law.the way i would handle it is,i would tell each and every vendor that they are responsible to me and me only.that in essence i am the boss and what ever way i tell them to do it will be the way it is done.stress that point clearly.i might even tell them that thier payment depends on doing things my way.end of story.it is not thier job to keep mom in law happy,it is after all the brides special day.i have found that folks only take over as much as they are allowed.i might even consider telling mil that we could do it her way if she wants to foot the bill.otherwise buzz off.some folks dont understand any other way.