I feel torn. My husbands family lives in Texas and is always coming to stay with us for a full week during the Christmas holiday. I am thankful that we do not have to travel, yet, I do EVERYTHING and am extremely exhausted by the 2-3 day that they are here. I have told my husband that 1 week is a little much and to ask them to cut down their stay by a few days. He thinks that it is asking them way too much and it would not make their travel worth their while due to the fact that it is already a 2 day drive. This year his brother brought his new girlfriend but came the day after christmas and stayed for 3 days. I must say that I am a clean freak and get a bit anxious about not having my own space....so by the end of their stay, I am ready to jump out of my skin. My 6 yr old gave up her bedroom and bunked with her 4 yr old brother on the top bed. My 4 yr old did not have a nap in a whole week, and my in-laws do not help in any way, shape or form in cleaning up after themselves. I am up to my eyeballs in laundry-towels and bedding! Oh...my Mother -in-law suffers from depression and can be quite negative and nasty at times, we experienced this on christmas-eve! SO...do I put my foot down or just grin and bear it since it is "quality" family time? I just feel like the bad guy...why can't my husband see the stress that this puts on me? Any advice Mamas?
I have to say Kate this is a tough one.
I have in -laws that come stay from out of town and it is tiring for everyone.
We do have a good time and I do have more laundry, dishes -clean-ups also.
Could you tell your husband that you simply have to have his help? My MIL will help with the dishes a bit, and she cleans up most of her messes. When she stays longer than one week she always helps with all kinds of things so that makes it easier.
I don't see that asking them to cut their trip down would be helpful - only hurtful, especially if they want to see you enough to make the long trip.
Maybe thy could stay at a hotel some of the nights? The brother and his girlfriend especially.
If it is only a week, my opinion is that you tell your husband he is simply going to have to help you with chores and picking up and the such.
A week isn't too terribly long - though tiring.
Is it more of an issue that you feel you can't enjoy your holiday? Or that it is exhausting you. Maybe your husband could talk to them a bit for you - in a nice way to let them know how it tires you, maybe they just don't realize it.
Good luck to you. I hope you can work it out.
Happy new year to you and your family : )
Caroline
Kate,
You need to get some help from your husband or your boyfriend's girlfriend, or someone and not say anything to cause a rift in the family. Be glad you don't have to travel and that they come, but get some help! I would also say just don't do so much, but you probably couldn't let things go a bit, so...make someone else help you.
It is only one week out of the entire year, so I say grin and bear it. It is better than you having to travel to Texas, and it may be a little hectic, but some people are not lucky enough to have family come visit. Just do the best you can and tell yourself it is only one week. Christmas is about family, good or bad. And this is your family for better or worse. Good luck and happy new year!
Let some of the work slide a little it will be there when they leave and you will be able to do it your way when they are gone. They are on vacation so you should be too, it's the holidays, don't worry about it, try and enjoy. Take advantage while they are here, let them keep the kids for awhile and go out "grocery shopping" (wink wink), just take a break get a breath of fresh air. My inlaws also live in Texas and normally stay for what I think is too long. Fortunately (or not) they don't make it up here too often but we go down there usually once a year. My biggest pet peeve is that they have money and we are your average middle class family and they expect us to purchase all the food while they are here and they eat three squares and rarely want to go out (that's the only time they pay). Anyway I usually just grin and bare it, I try to get away for alittle while even if it is just to another room. Its always over before I know it even though it seemed to last a life time while they were here. Happy New Year! (What part of Texas are they from... just curious)
Visiting family puts stress on everyone, it doesn't matter if it's one week or one day. Your entire routine is disrupted. It's hard, but I think for you husband and children's sake, you need to grin and bear it. My mom is a negative Nancy too...it's incredibly hard to be around her for long periods of time, there were several times this Christmas that I had to simply leave the room. If you feel comfortable, and if they have a sense of humor, after dinner one night toss out "Hey...who's going to help with the dishes tonight? I'm pretty wiped out." See if anyone says anything. Also, I hate to say this, but even if one of them did help it probably wouldn't be 'right' I'm a control freak and if something isn't done MY way, then I have to re-do it. :D Perhaps your husband could mention that you are more than a little stressed and feel a bit taken advantage of. He could suggest to your houseguests that any help picking up would be appreciated. In the meantime, remember...it's just one week, even though I'm sure it seems longer.
Sorry Kate, I am with you on this one. A week is a long time to have your whole routine disrupted with the kids and family. Whoever disagrees with this has forgotten what it is like to have little ones with no nap. I do believe your husband needs to speak up and get in your corner. Set some boundries and don't feel bad about doing so. It is your home and you have a right to do so. It is far better to set the guidelines with your husband and family beforehand than do feel to disgruntled afterwards. Boundries by David Cloud may be good reading for you over the New year. Deb C
I am so glad my in laws live so far away. They are total jerks. They are Christian but only in their own way. They do not consider me Christian. They are very dicatoral so I was thrilled they all now live out of town. I have never even been to visit them. We do not have the funds to make the trip. They come here or did about once a year. Very rud stay up half the night expecct to be waited on hand an foot. I put my foot down I was running my own business and told them I need my sleep I am going to bed. They MUST tone it down. He of course never was distrubed by it. Now since we have lost our house we have NO ROOM for them YEA!!!. If they come they must get a room somewhere. What was always so bad was not only would it be his mother and step father but his sister and her entire family. Nine people to our 2. They get pissed if I watch MY TV. They only watch religious stations and I am BIG into Sci FI. I love sction movies too, They only watch cartoons. A bit silly to me. Point out things to your husband and don't make the stay to easy for them. Fish like guests stink after 3 days.
Next year long before they come send them a list of local hotel and motels that they can get a weekly rate on. Explain to them that you can not accomidate their stay as it disrupts your routine. Be nice but firm.This may help ease your tension. I am so glad I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, I gotta have my space too and Quiet time or I freak.
I am sorry this has been so hard for you. I understand your husband wanting to see his family. It is a long drive for them, so they want to make the visit worth the drive.
First, as soon as they leave, YOU go on a "housework" vacation - your husband has to do all the laundry, cooking, etc. because you are exhausted from cleaning up after his family. You do NOTHING!!!!!! Maybe he will get the message! And you can learn to let go just a bit.
Second, tell them that next year, they can stay for 3 days, but you are making hotel reservations for them for the rest of the time at THEIR expense. Your children need their privacy, and naps, and cannot give them up for an entire week. This will not get you off the hook for meals, but it may help.
Third, does your husband stay home from work while his family is at your house? Or do you have to do all the work alone? Plan a lunch out for yourself with a friend while his family is there, and let him handle the homefront. You need AIR!
Fourth, HUG your kids and thank them for being patient during this disruption. Plan some time for the kids to get out next time, too - they may also need a breather!
Bright Idea! Tell them that next year, you are making restaurant dinner reservations on their behalf at 2 different restaurants (choose their budget appropriately) for the entire family, for which they will pay, so that YOU can enjoy being with them, instead of your having to hostess the full time! If they just want you to step up to the plate and let them freeload, or if your husband objects, then GO OUT BY YOURSELF!!
Good luck!
Why don't you suggest that they take a day trip or two to visit some of the sites and give you some time alone. Cosi? The Historical Society? Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Just hint that "this is a great place and you should see it, but I'm just up to my eyeballs so you can go without me this time." That'll give you a couple of afternoons of breathing room without any hurt feelings.
You probably aren't going to like my un-popular response...but I also say "grin and bear it" for a week. Then you can take a mini-vacation yourself or whatever....or get away yourself for a day or afternoon when they are there.. hire someone to help you keep the house clean or whatever...
But is it worth a lifetime of hurt feelings (you and hubby, kids and g-parents, hubby's parents and you) for a week?
Good Luck
Hi Kate
I'm in a similar situation. I "grin and bear it" within reason. I do that b/c my in-laws are my son's grandparents and my son needs the memories w/his grandparents... I would say first of all, change your expectations. You are going to have more work to do. Prepare yourself mentally and try not to get anxious about it. Stress is your response to a situation. So, if you can learn to minimize your stress by adjusting your expectations, it will help you. Also, do breathing exercises when your in-laws are there (deep breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth). See if you can hire someone that can help you once in-laws are leaving or even while they are with you. Also, put your foot down as far as your kids' sleeping schedule. Your in-laws need to respect it (and it won't be forever). Maybe your husband can take them out to eat or shopping or sight-seeing or whatever while your son is napping. Try to come up with other solutions that will help you cope. Even if you take some time off and go shopping and leave kids w/hubby and family, just to get your sanity back... When we are w/my in-laws, I take my son out as much as possible (hard to do when it's cold outside) or I take him sight-seeing. My in-laws' marriage is not good and the constant bickering wears on me. When my son is napping, I send them (along w/hubby) to either the basement where we have an extra TV and sofa or out to eat or something. I try to take as many sanity breaks for me as I can even if it is just escaping to the bathroom or another room for 5 or 10 minutes. You can do it for one week out of the year. It's for your kids. Try to set healthy boundaries. A visit from the in-laws does not mean that you have to suffer.
i so understand what u are going thru, i use to live w/my father in-law. it drove me crazy, but looking back at all the annoying stuff he did that bothered me. i just think about it like this one day he is going to move on and those are the memories we will look back at and laugh, cry and move on. seeing as they do live very far away, just be glad that they come once a year. LOL
your husband should understand, but maybe when they leave u and him can talk about it, w/no stress added. good luck.
Sounds like if your husband wants them to stay a week then he needs to help you with some of the chores that come along with them staying, or talk to them about helping out. I understand him wanting them to stay that long, but help a girl out!!
I have been through this, with chain smoking in-laws!
Best advice is this:
Don't do everything.
Make your own private space of your bedroom.
Give positive feedback to your mother in laws negative remarks.
Examples: Give everyone a spot for their wet towels, ask them to please hang them up and use them the whole week- bedding should be used for the whole week also.
Kids should be picking up their own things and making their own beds by now.
When you get up, make your bed, straighten up your room and bathroom. When you need quiet time, just tell the family you are going to lie down awhile. You can do this in the afternoon and then an early bedtime- like when your kids go to bed, you retire to your room- read, watch TV, get ready for bed. That way you can relax.
When you are cooking, cleaning up, ask for help. "Sweetie, would you please wash up these pans?", "Mom, would you mind making the salad for tonight?"
The kids can set the table and clear the table.
If you ask them not to stay a full week, you will be the bad guy. Even if your husband asks them, they will blame you, so forget that.
Your mother in law is getting older and with age comes a little depression. She may feel a little jealous at your youthfulness and energy. THis is normal and she will adjust as time goes on. Also, menopause is a very difficult time for women, so that may be a factor for her.
In some cases, you should just take the attitude of "can't beat them, join them". This is your husband's family, you love your husband, so you have to put up with them and they must have some good qualities.
So, if they are lazy, you can try to be lazy for one week. Just put your feet up and do as they are doing. Get some good magazines to distract you. Let some things go for one week- like the bathrooms- just get some disinfect wipes, so that if you can't stand it, wipe up quickly when you are in there.
I have a feeling from your note that you are harboring a little resentment for your husband, since it is his family and he does not help as much as you would like. Ask him for help when needed. Men don't know and telling him later won't help. Ask at the time of need. If stressed, maybe in the middle of the week, you and hubby and go out and see a movie and leave the kids with grandparents.
Remember: Nothing lasts forever.
You can clean up the next week. And cherish the memories of a happy time with all the family over Christmas!
Okay, from heartless, old, and having had this type of experience in my past, and by the way, I owned a beauty shop and couldn't be home with the company all of the time!! Here are the rules and regs about coming and staying at my house!!
Be a neat freak once they have gone home, take a vacation from the perfectly clean home and learn to enjoy the fingerprints on the coffee table. All children need to eat a peck of dirt during childhood! Quit making yourself, your husband, and the family miserable and enjoy this time. There will come a day, in the not to far distant future, when they will be unable to make this trip and be gone from your lives forever. Try to enjoy this time with them and your children before it is too late.
1.) Husband's family, he needs to pitch in and help with the extra work while he is home with all of you.
2.) This is his mom, ask her to help with the laundry and since she cooked for him for many years ask her to fix dinner at least three of the nights they are there, she knows childhood favorites and it would be a blessing. Ask her to help you in the kitchen with the dishes etc. this is a perfect time for some one on one time with her so she doesn't feel like a guest but part of the family. You can talk about your husband's childhood, your children and special things they have done, or books you have read, etc. Make her feel welcome and family not a guest. PS this will make her feel less depressed.
3.) So, who is staying in your bedroom while they are visiting? If it is you and your husband I don't see why you think you don't have any private space of your own!!!
4.) Frankly your 4 year old should not still be taking naps. Get with the program of real life in the outside world. He will be starting school next year (probably) and there is a thing called all day kindergartern that is becoming more and more popular with school districts all of the time.
5.) Big deal your daughter shared a room with her brother while the grandparents were there. My children had campouts in each other's rooms on a bi-weekly basis for most of their young lives. This is not an inconvenience it is a great time for them to share with each other and what learn what you do for family. Thank God they are learning this at a young age and will be willing to have you and your husband come to stay with them should they move away when they are older!
6.) Instead of working yourself to death have you ever just asked them to pitch in and help get the house cleaned up so that you could all do something fun in the afternoon like go to a museum, the movies, a pizza place like Chucky Cheese for lunch? If not then you have really missed the boat!!!
7.) Grandparents love their grandchildren, they like quality time with them. Have you ever asked them to watch the children for the afternoon and gone out to get a hair cut??? If not why not? You are missing the great opportunities available to you by their coming to spend some time.
8.)So get off the horse, get down in the padlock and start to see the blessings involved and enjoy their visit.
Could you suggest that they stay in a hotel? That way they are still around for Christmas but not always in your home.
The one thing you DONT sacrifice is family time! HOWEVER, there is nothing wrong with setting some guidelines and boundaries - as you should. You have guidelines and rules in hotels, etc. why not in other people's houses?
Sit down and list 2 or 3 things you feel you need help with - meal prep, laundry, etc. THEN, you need to put some of the things in persepective.....like sacrificing naps for one week (IF that's not taking too much of a toll on everyone). Sometimes you need to realize this stuff is NOT a matter of life & death. If you had to choose - cleanliness and neatness over family......honestly......what is the most important?
Just tell them that with the kids, etc. it can be overwhelming and that you do NOT want to sacrifice that time, but in order to be able to enjoy it, you need some help. THAT'S NOT ASKING TOO MUCH!
If they were staying in a condo, they'd be doing their own laundry, preparing their own meals, etc. while they were on vacation, so why should this be any different? Sounds like they are taking advantage. Approach it as NOT wanting to sacrifice family time and wanting EVERYONE, including YOU, to enjoy their visit. They won't (shouldn't) be offended by this approach and maybe don't even realize you need help. You don't have because you don't ASK. Make sure your husband gets his share of the load, too. If you need to make a chart of who helps when, do it. Just make sure you plan for it and follow thru.
I don't know, if it's only 1 week a year, I think I'd suck it up for the sake of the kids. Or maybe suggest, politely, staying at a local nice hotel, to help offset some of the burden on you. I understand it's stressful, but for 1 week out of 52...I think the time with family should be enjoyed and appreciated. So many families can't spend any time together, and go years without seeing each other. So I think I'd be more gracious and thankful in the fact that your kids DO get to see their grandparents and get to have that special time with them.