Hi everyone.
After some long chats with people I trust. im going to rent a house on the suburbs and try and get my daughters enrolled in school out there in the fall.
I never thought I'd be getting divorced because of something so simple as a move but I really feel like this is the best for our family. After many long weeks of talking, he is going to stay in our current home.
Yes, there's going to be contentious debate about where our 2 girls will live and attend school. But I've had enough. I've stayed in the city for years knowing I wanted this and him knowing how close I am to my family. I'm done waiting and am prepared to fight for this.
Question is, should I file before moving to another city (And court system) or move and let the DuPage and Cook county courts fight it out for jurusdiction?
You need to talk to a lawyer.
Additional:
I think the pandemic is affecting a lot of people and the stress is coming out in a lot of different ways.
Try to take that into consideration.
Moving right now is what many people are doing and it’s causing housing shortages in some areas.
I get wanting to be closer to family but it’s not always how we imagine it will be.
Do the kids want to move?
They get attached to their friends and routines and they might resent you for breaking up their home.
I get the feeling that you will be burning some bridges and you may regret it someday.
Talk to a lawyer and a counselor.
Make a plan of action but proceed carefully.
Doing things out of anger and frustration seldom work out well without a plan in place.
You knew who your husband was when you married him.
There are times when breaking up is the right thing to do if there’s abuse etc.
There are other times when breaking up harms the kids more than saves them.
You and your husband need to work with a family counselor before you throw in the towel.
This needs to be discussed with a lawyer re the counties and jurisdictions. We would have zero idea of the issues in local custody/residency.
More importantly, you need to talk to a family therapist. I get that your mind is made up and you are choosing what is best for “your family” which seems to include your daughters and perhaps your side of the family (the people you are so close to), but not so much your husband. You and he are not on the same page, per your last post. Even if you were, a big move and a change in schools, neighborhoods, and the home structure (2 households) needs to be worked through so everyone’s feelings are considered and so you do a really good job of explaining this to the children. Yes, you’re going to be happy in the new setting. What about everyone else? What needs to be done to smooth over the inevitable rough spots? How will your kids feel about the new house (rented) vs. the current house (where Dad will live)? Are you assuming that your dreams are shared by everyone else? Is that reasonable?
My husband and I just downsized and sold our home of 34 years. We only moved 10 miles away, and I’m still at my job in the prior town, so many things for me haven’t changed. He, on the other hand, had a very hard time leaving a house of many memories and some unfulfilled dreams regarding his 2 older children who didn’t come as often as we had always hoped. So we got counseling. Our son is grown so it wasn’t about schools and his friends, but it was and still is about a big change. Do not underestimate the challenges you will face. You will do better with all of them if you get some neutral professional help, lest you inadvertently put pressure on kids to deal with their feelings alone, or influenced by yours.
Wendy
wow…this is an extreme measure. Your marriage has more problems than just this move.
You need to talk with a lawyer. A family law lawyer. You need a professional to help you with this.
I would strongly suggest counseling for you, your daughters who should NEVER be pawns to their parents games - and then family counseling so your daughters do NOT become the victims of parents who can’t agree on things.
I wish you luck and peace.
Clearly this has been about way more than a move to the suburbs. You are ready to end your marriage, and your focus needs to shift to that, not just the legal issues but the emotional ones. I’m hoping you are not presenting this to your kids as simply you wanting to move to be closer to family.
Divorce is a major life event, and I’m not at all suggesting this might not be the best decision for you, but I have to wonder if you and your husband have tried counseling. You seem to be gearing up for a fight over where the girls are going to live, which is just going to be stressful and horrible for everyone. Please consider going to a counselor with your husband to either consider repairing your relationship, or ending it in a thoughtful and less contentious way. Your children deserve that.
Well, I’m glad you’re proceeding with what you clearly want to do, and have wanted for some time. If living in the suburbs is a paramount issue for you, then you’re doing the right thing.
For you.
But doing it without first resolving how it will impact your children, especially in matters so fundamental as with whom they will live and where they’ll attend school is…well, it’s a little nuts.
You’re prepared to fight for what you want. But your kids will be right smack in the middle of this fight, and they shouldn’t be.
A marriage counselor can help end a marriage as well as repair one. I strongly suggest you and your soon-to-be ex go talk to one right away and hash out how to Consciously Uncouple (Gwyneth is a nut but this such a useful phrase) without savaging your daughters in the process.
If you are so close to your family that they rate higher than your marriage, so should your own children.
Do not mangle them in your newfound power stance.
Khairete
Suz
I’m not going to reread your last question (sometimes I do) but I seem to remember you thought he would change when you got married, knowing you always wanted to move closer to your family. Men don’t change. Lesson learned I guess 
Divorce can be horribly ugly, especially with kids concerned. I can’t remember how old yours are, but I’d say about half my friends have gotten divorced and I’ve watched the kids suffer terribly. Even in the ‘best’ situations. The best one - the teenage girl has gone off the rails. I’m sure it’s not always the case, but if you’ve got distance involved on top of it …
Here’s the other thing to consider - whenever there’s a new ‘mate’ involved too quickly (even if you say no no…) if your ex does, that just messes things up for kids SO badly. I have watched this over and over again. Kids cannot handle seeing their parents as single people dating as if they are in their early 20’s again. Whatever you do. It has to be as mature adults and once they have settled into their new lives. They have to have plenty of time to adjust - fully. If one party doesn’t take that time … the kids are ones negative affected.
We settled close to my husband’s family and he’s no longer involved with them (due to his mother). His choice. We are much closer to my family (who live away). This caused some friction between us for short while because I thought great. Why did we settle here … but I had to let it go. Life sometimes doesn’t work out perfectly. Life is what you make it. Do you not have friends and a network - like your kids’ friends, etc. where you are? Don’t underestimate that.
If my husband and I split, I still would not uproot them to go live near my family. Our home is our home.
These are just things to consider. We live in the suburbs yes, but we miss things from the city - suburbs are NOT everything. I have close friends who live in the city and I am so envious of advantages they have.
Grass is always greener I am saying.
I would seriously talk to a counselor before making life changes. Seriously.
To make a change thinking it will solve everything - rarely does. Make sure you do for right reasons. The fact that last post didn’t mention divorce - is red flag to me.
Best to you.
This is a question for your lawyer. Do NOT move your kids without consulting him/her first! Laws vary by state and the last thing you want to do is sign a lease and then be forced to abandon it and lose all that money. Plus your husband could use that against you, saying you took the children without his permission.
I think if you can possibly step back and try to address this with your husband and a counselor before you make such a decision, it would be the best for your kids. Maybe you can find middle ground and not have to end your marriage. If you’re unable to resolve anything or if you are done and won’t try - then I suggest you and your husband might work with an arbitrator so neither of you spend a ridiculous amount of money on attorneys which I guarantee you will be more expensive than you can imagine right now.
You have children to consider and the long range effects of your marriage dissolving shouldn’t be taken lightly. In my opinion, divorce or married - each has problems it just depends on which problems you’re willing to deal with most. Don’t think that a divorce is going to suddenly make everything easier - because I promise you, it won’t. If you’re already preparing for a “fight” about the kids as far as where they will attend school, etc., then this is going to get complicated fast. And what you need to really consider, is the amount of emotional damage you’re willing to put your kids through because there will be damage. Are you wanting them to have to choose with which parent they want to live? Are you prepared if they want to stay with their Dad? Is the risk of losing your children and only having visitation with them worth being closer in distance to your family? Single parenting is no picnic. You will still have to deal with him for a long time to come. If you’ve never watched it, Kramer vs. Kramer, an old Dustin Hoffman movie accurately depicts the realism of divorce.
It slays me that you entered into this marriage KNOWING how your husband felt about moving to the suburbs. You thought you would change his mind. Now you’re willing to end your marriage because he won’t move closer to your family? Your expectations were unrealistic especially since this was discussed prior to your getting married, and he let you know exactly how he felt. Please don’t paint yourself a victim in this because he was completely honest.
Please know the havoc your kids will face - for the rest of their lives. My sister divorced with two kids who are very well adjusted. She made sure they were in counseling in elementary school. She told us from the get go that if we ever bad mouthed her ex (and there was infidelity and plenty of reason to bad mouth him) she would not allow us to be around her kids, and she was serious. She never wanted them to hear from any of us the havoc he caused in their marriage, it was unfair to them to paint their dad in a poor light. She handled herself incredibly well through YEARS of poor behavior where their Dad was concerned. This lasted through college (and my nephew was 2 when they split), marriages of the kids, etc. Even holidays once they were adults and on their own have been hard because he would get bent out of shape if he felt like they weren’t giving him enough time.
I was in a miserable marriage for 9 years. No children, I was determined to make it work. My sister and brother had been through divorce and I was hoping that wouldn’t be my lot. I stuck in there a long time and wanted to make sure I could look myself in the mirror and know I had done all I could. I can tell you from experience, divorce is hard. Sometimes it’s for the best, but it is hard.
Think long and hard to make sure you’re ready to face all the possible fallout.
Wendy,
It’s great about what YOU want. However, you are only thinking about YOU and what YOU want. These “trusted” people? Well, they don’t know the law and if you move without the permission of their biological father? You might find yourself in court on kidnapping charges.
You need to speak with a family lawyer. You need to know the LAW regarding this desire to move.
then you need to seek counseling. Your children have feelings and rights too. Just because you’re the mama does not mean they want to stay with you.
Your desire for a divorce over a move? That’s not the root of the problem. There is so much more going on and you really need counseling. These people whom you ‘trust’?? They are trying to support you, but have no clue what they are doing.
Your kids are NOT toys/pawns or whatever people will state. And you cannot use them to your will.
Your whole family needs counseling. Why? Because your kids deserve to have a voice in this desire of yours. Because your family deserves a fighting chance, and even if it does end in divorce? A counselor can help you pave the way for a HEALTHY divorce where the children do not get used or hurt and where you and your husband or soon to be ex-husband can TALK and COMMUNICATE that doesn’t end in a fight and your children seeing the worst in either of you.
DO NOT MOVE UNTIL YOU HAVE SPOKEN TO A LAWYER.
Wow, this is really drastic! You’d rather split up marriage - your kid’s world - just so you can live in a certain area? Is that really what you want to do? You and your husband don’t want to try to make it work and grow old together? Divorce is rough. I grew up with parents who divorced and had a lot of bitterness towards each other and I’m pretty messed up because of it. If it’s a mutual, friendly divorce where both parents work together to make it easy on the kids and see them 50/50 I think this is the best case scenario and can work. I forget how far away you said these suburbs are - an hour? To me this is still living very close to family. What about just trying living in the suburbs for a year and not thinking of divorce just yet…just try it out and see how everyone feels at the end of the year. You and your husband both sound stubborn and like neither of you want to budge, but maybe after a year opinions will be softened somewhat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We all had agreed in a prior post that giving the suburbs a try before making a permanent move was a good idea, but we didn’t know your husband wasn’t on board and you were going to divorce him if it’s “my way or the highway.” I think you’re jumping the gun here, maybe you can move with your parents or rent short-term and see if he ends up choosing to join you before you go and file for divorce? It’s possible that he’s having second thoughts or not thinking you’ll go through with moving, but maybe after he sees you’re so determined and you all have moved, feel established, and happy, he will no longer have cold feet and will join you all. I still think you’re in the wrong here, considering he was upfront about his desire to live in the city and not the suburbs prior to marrying. Really, this is no different than a man saying he doesn’t want to be a father, you end up marrying him, and lie about using birth control and try forcing him to accept YOUR choice of having a child, as if his doesn’t matter. Marriage is about compromises, and you were dishonest to him and yourself in choosing to marry him even when he voiced his desire to not live out in the boonies.
Have you considered marriage therapy before doing something so drastic as moving out and divorcing? I think this isn’t a legitimate reason to break up a seemingly otherwise happy marriage, unless there’s just more that you’re not telling us? Also, have you given it any thought as to what your daughters want and what is best for THEM? My parents moved us to another continent due to work reasons, we had to learn a new language as soon as we stepped foot there, and it was a bit of a rough learning period, my sister struggled a lot with it especially, but we had no choice, as dad’s company was closing their U.S. location and going abroad, this meant good money for dad, and he was the main breadwinner of the house, so mom couldn’t really do anything to stop that. It still affected us because we lost our friends, then as soon as we made friends abroad, we again had to move – let’s just say to this day, my sister and I have difficulty befriending people, or thinking these friendships will be long-lasting, so our friendships tend to not be very deep-rooted. This may happen to your daughters too, now couple that with a drastic divorce, and the fact that you’ll probably be too busy (or unwilling) to drive your daughters to see their dad, and it will cause even further damage.
Think of everyone involved, it’s not just you who’s going to be affected as if no one else matters. I’d say kudos to you, go seek the life you dreamed of if you were single, divorced, widowed, and had no kids, or your kids were going off to college to start their own lives, but this isn’t the case here, they are still young enough and your drastic decisions will impact everyone involved, not just in terms of a commute, a new school, new kids, and new scenery, but life without dad, and possibly struggling economically due to one income. If you really live an hour away from the suburbs, I don’t see what the big deal is about going there for the weekend every week, and staying with your parents or renting a hotel, AirBnB, etc., if it’s about being around your family. This seems like a good compromise to me – you stay in the city, your marriage is saved, your daughters aren’t impacted by a move, and every weekend you can feel like you’re going on a mini-vacation road trip by driving out to the suburbs and staying somewhere nice, order room service, and relax, or whatever.
I live just outside of Springfield, and I’ve always thought of living in Chicago as exciting. There’s so much to do!!! Restaurants, the Cubs, museums, the Cubs, the theater, did I mention the Cubs!!!
When my kids were little, I was really glad I didn’t live in Chicago. Sure there’s still lots to do, but when your kids are little, it can be really nice to have a larger house (with a playroom) and be able to easily play outside. That seemed to me to be something that would be harder to do in the city.
But your kids are past that stage in life (I mean, they are riding their bikes with their dad. How great is that?). You are now at the stage where you can completely embrace living in the city and all the opportunities open to your girls.
There are advantages and disadvantages to living anywhere. We live out in the country and own a couple of acres. Sometimes it’s not ideal, as our boys can’t actually ride their bikes anywhere (we live on a highway), and they can’t just walk over to the neighbor’s house. They can’t walk anywhere. We have to drive everywhere we go. Nothing is far, but we can’t just walk like you can. Then again, we have a couple of acres. We have 4-wheelers and snowmobiles and (ug!) minibikes.
You’ve spent a lot of time fantasizing about moving to the suburbs and how great that would be and thinking, how can my husband not get how this is the best way to live.
Have you honestly spent time trying to see how great life in the city is? It really sounds like you have not considered the possibility at all. Make a list of pros and cons about not moving. It might help you see your husband’s perspective.
Wow!!! With or without? That’s a tad extreme. It sounds like the people whom you “trust”? are leading you astray. If you leave and take the kids with you? That’s kidnapping. And you’ll NEVER get custody of your daughters with that over your head.
You need to stop. Think. Consult an attorney. One that specializes in family law/divorce/child custody.
There is more to this than a move to the suburbs, your marriage is in serious do-do. But I think you already know that. This is NOT about a move. There are more things than a move to the suburbs. Have you asked your daughters what they want? You realize that THEY have a voice too, yes? This is NOT just about YOU and what YOU want.
Your FAMILY needs counseling, like YESTERDAY. Your daughters need to be heard. You and your husband or soon to be ex-husband need to learn how to talk and communicate so that your daughters are NOT used and played as chattle while you and your husband battle it out.
You want to fight for this? Fight for your family FIRST.
Wow. I met my husband where we live and always wanted to move back near family. He didn’t and I always said since I met him HERE and he never agreed to move back “home” before we got married, it’s on me. You’re acting very selfishly. Horrible for your kids… Grow up. Where you live is what you make it.
You need a GOOD divorce attorney before you say one more word to your husband.
So, living in the suburbs is more important to you than having a reasonably happy and secure family?
How will you living in the suburbs without your family make you happy? How will your move make your children happy and well adjusted?
You have a choice. Living alone in the suburbs or keeping your children’s emotional well being as more important.
Divorce is painful for everyone. Divorce disrupts everyone’s life and the potential
To permanently affect your children’s ability to trust and find happiness. So, is making you happy more important than providing security for your children?
I urge you to get information from a lawyer and a counselor before you make a move.
I also recommend that you read about a way to effectively communicate with your family called “Nonviolent Communication.” Look it up on Internet. We have to discuss changes in a kind, “nonviolent,” non judgmental way to change minds; yours and your husbands. Ultimatums damages relationships. I suggest that your ultimatum will tear your and your children’s lives apart. Is that OK with you?
Oh Jesus… I don’t really know what to say, but I feel horribly for your kids. This ain’t the way to do it.
Updated
Oh Jesus… I don’t really know what to say, but I feel horribly for your kids. This ain’t the way to do it.
Except for the occasional threesome and lively cocktail suburbia ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
How sad for your family. It sounds like you and your husband need to visit with a marriage counselor for a few months before you take this drastic step.
My friend wanted to live in the same town as her daughter. It’s over half an hour from SW OKC. Her husband works at Tinker, far east of OKC, and has over an hour drive each way to work every day. But “she wanted to move”. So he did as she wanted.
Now she complains that he’s spending too much money on gasoline, he needs to get a car that’s much cheaper on gasoline, he needs to do this, he needs to do that. She’s still not happy. Their cost of living in this small town is higher due to many things.
I think it sounds like you guys need to have a third party to help you and him communicate.