So last year my youngest daughter 32 had an affair with my oldest daughters fiance 34 and is now engaged to him.
i told her this was a crappy thing to do and I asked the fiance what is he doing? We can't have get togethers anymore. I have to have separate ones. I want them to make up. I tried to get them to talk it out and my oldest and my husband are mad at me.
My oldest daughter is unconsolable and wants me to go no contact with her sister. I said I can't. I love both of my children even though sometimes they disappoint me. Oldest daughter said I always loved her younger sister better. She said if I go to the wedding I am no longer her mom and this is my fault because I spoiled my younger daughter. My husband is not speaking to my youngest daughter and he thinks I am crazy for going to the wedding.How do I fix this? My therapist said I can't.
All you say is - if he’s willing to cheat with you, he’s willing to cheat on you.
He ain’t no prize worth fighting over.
Everyone needs to dump this guy.
Your therapist is right. And I’m glad you have someone to talk to who is neutral in this mess.
It’s not your fight. If the sisters have an insurmountable rift, then that’s between them. Yes, you have to see them separately. The older daughter is blaming you for this, saying you always favored the younger daughter. So there is a whole lot of unresolved anger between you and her, and that’s what you can and should work on. Encourage her to get a counselor for herself, and be willing to attend a few sessions if she and her therapist request it.
I don’t know if you should go to the wedding or not. When you play that out in your mind, what do you envision? Walking her down the aisle? Answering questions from guests and the man’s family about where the others are? Making a toast, as if everything is wonderful? How will that work for you?
You and your husband need to work on your own relationship through this family fracturing crisis. And he needs to decide if he’s going to be a source of comfort to the younger daughter if/when her relationship falls apart. Having him say “I told you so” isn’t going to be productive.
The only person you can control, though, is yourself.
This is very sad. I’m sorry your family is going through this, and your therapist is right, you can’t fix this.
I also agree with B and Diane that the blame here should be on the guy, and it is sad that your older daughter is focused on her sister. I think you can express hope to her that she will come to see this as she dodged a bullet. Let her know that you would like to strengthen your relationship with her, and address any old wounds she seems to have from childhood. Offer to go to counseling together if she is open to it for help with this. If she chooses to cut off contact with you, let her know the door will always be open because you do love her even if you have let her down sometimes. If you are aware of ways in which you might have shown preference to one child over the other, acknowledge this and apologize. You are human, and parents often have different relationships with each of their children, which may or may not mean you love one more than the other, but it can look to children like “preference” when it’s really “difference”. In your heart, you may or may not have a preferred child, but her experience was that she was not loved as much as her sister. You can tell her that wasn’t and isn’t the case, but express regret that she felt that way, willingness to listen to her, and hope that you can move past this someday.
I think it’s fair for you to maintain a relationship with your younger daughter, who of course you still love, and attend the wedding if you choose to do so. Remind your husband and your older daughter that younger daughter will need her family when her marriage falls apart, which seems likely.
It is unfortunate that your husband is mad at you also, when none of this was your fault. You can understand and support your husband’s choice here to not attend a wedding that he can’t support, and he should do the same for you. There are no right/wrong answers here.
I think you can be supportive of both daughters and not supportive of the new union.
I would encourage your youngest daughter (hopefully with your husband) to realize she deserves someone other than a cheater. What an awful start to a marriage.
I’d be empathetic and there for your oldest - and explain you don’t support the marriage but your daughter is still your daughter. Obviously the guy is a jerk and you would rather he was not in the family at all.
It’s a rough situation - you can’t fix it, but as a mom, I’d approach it like that. Stay out of the sisters’ feelings for each other - but there’s still time to help your youngest see that this is not a good start to a marriage.
You have to approach it delicately - but that’s your position. You love her and support her, but not really the decision. You feel she deserves much better and can do much better. But not if she’s with this jerk - whose proven to be an absolute jerk. And that’s really how the family will always see him.
She must realize that. The family is not going to change how they view him. Is she prepared to have a life dealing with that? She needs to recognize that. I’d just be honest. That is not easy.
We knew a family where this scenario happened. It fractured the family. Does she want that? it’s part of her decision. She needs to own that.
You cannot force the 2 sisters to be together at gatherings now or in the future. There simply is no happy ending here. Would I go to the wedding? No, I find what she did repulsive and going to the wedding basically says you are on board with this marriage and want to witness them exchanging vows of love. I would not be endorsing this relationship, so I would not attend but ultimately, it’s your choice. I think the suggestions to try to turn her away from him are good, but I doubt they will work if she’s already committed to marrying the cheat. The suggestions for counseling are good, you can start going with your oldest, then maybe all 3 of you can navigate your new normal with the help of a neutral party in all this mess.
Something for your youngest to consider, especially before marrying him: What is to stop him from now going back to the oldest sister and sleeping with her? That is something your youngest needs to consider. If he cheated WITH her, he can cheat ON her, and what better person than the person he knows, who may still harbor feelings for him, and resentment towards her so that she will readily agree to sleep with him so she can get a taste of her own medicine? And if there are kids involved in the process eventually when he sleeps around…imagine, your cousin is also your half-brother. What a disaster. You have the patience of a saint for dealing with this.