Hi Moms!
I am at a total loss in this subject. My husband and I are young, 20 & 23 and he says he wants to try a threesome? I was taken back when he first mentioned it because I have never even thought about anything like that. We have a 1 year old and obviously that is the LAST thing on my mind. Working full time, a little monster running around, going to school. Geeze, it doesnt seem like we would even have time for that!
I am some what offenend by him even asking. I mean am I not good enough myself? I guess my question is, has anyone elses husband asked you about this before? How do you even FIND a person to do that? Im just baffled. I mean, I'm a very open person, and I guess in a way I'm glad he openly tells me what he wants. But I don't even know how to respond to this? HELP ME!!!!
HI Alyssa,
Please ask yourself what YOU WANT before responding to your husband. It's great that he openly tells you what he wants, but what matters is how you feel about doing what it is he wants. This is such a very personal decision to say the very least. Some people are into this type of thing, others would never consider it. It's YOUR decision. I wish you the very best.
There is a reason a relationship, is two people. There are people every day on this forum writing questions and rants about a mother in law getting too involved, a friend getting to involved, a sibling getting too involved...and these are just platonic, too close and involved situations. Think about someone else coming into the most intimate situation, that happens between partners. What if he is more interested in her then you? What if, he wants this person to be involved in your relationship? What if, he doesn't want sex anymore unless she's there. What if he doesn't like how you respond to her and he gets jealous, or disappointed? There is NO way to tell what kind of reaction, or consequences there will be. This WILL open Pandora's box and your relationship would NEVER be the same. Obviously, I think it's a terrible idea.
My husband would get b!tch slapped up the side of the head if he even THOUGHT about asking me for that!
So, I guess you know how I would feel about that!
But, if YOU are willing to do it than go right ahead. But, be warned! That will be YOUR man kissing you, then kissing someone else. That will be you "exciting" your man and then WATCHING another woman "excite" your man.. That will be YOU having sex with your man and then him having sex with someone else. NO THANK YOU!
My husband has said he is always thankful he can get me off...he'd hate to have the pressure of doing it for two woman.
Great that you are an open person and great that he can talk to you about it.
Laura
I really like momof3girls response. is he just wanting to be with another woman and this is how he goes about asking? I would definately throw the "if it's another man" hat into the ring and see what he says. i have never known a "threesome" to be a good thing in a marriage. he should have gotten all that out of his system before getting married! good luck!
I would have been offended too if I were you! I could be wrong but I think the chances of this ruining a relationship are greater than it bringing two people closer together. Someone very close to me did this with his girlfriend and she left him for the girl they had the threesome with! Good luck.
If you are in to that then to each his own I guess. I don't know if I would be offended or just completely confused as to why he would think I would even consider it. Assuming your answer is a definite no then I would just respond, no and tell him so. Just be honest.
The fastest way, in my experience and observation, to destroy a stable committed relationship is to "have a threesome". For MANY reasons, but the foremost of which is that it completely changes the "rules" without the couple actually sitting down and figuring out boundaries, rules, honesty, etc. Threesomes often work, and work great when they are part of the "original" rules... but changing the game plan past dating and into a marriage is risky, risky, risky. Secondly (also ime & imo) soooo many people try and "fix" a problem with another person. You can't fix a problem between 2 people by adding a 3rd person. IF one chooses to either open the door a little (or a lot) any other partners need to be ADDED to a healthy relationship, not band-aided onto on with a problem. ((Simply having a child under the age of 2 = a problem in most people's marriages, because it is a major adjustment + sleep dep + rule changing + healing + + + +)).
Now, that said, I know soooooooo many couples who have open marriages... whether the door is wide open or just open a crack. Successful, happy couples in decades long relationships. Even if you're not considering (your absolute right; those weren't rules you agreed to when you made your vows)... I'd suggest reading up on the practice. Dan Savage is a good place to start.
I've personally been a part of many open relationships. My marriage is not, nor has ever been one of them. My husband just doesn't have the capacity for honesty that such a relationship requires. He's passive aggressive, does not like to / refuses to do any kind of self introspection (required to do the "and then what?" game as well as to figure out personal happiness/boundaries) is rigid in his outlook on life (an open marriage ime & imo needs to be flexible, because the person of primary importance is your partner and their needs... which change during different periods in their lives), is a people pleaser, etc. so forth and so on. I knew fairly early on that any relationship with my husband would have to be completely monogamous... which is part of why I delayed marrying him for so long. It was a very difficult decision to make.
Anyhow... google Dan Savage to start your research. He has several books and dozens of YouTube Q&A's in additon to his sex advice collumn. I've found him to be one of the most down to earth / well educated people in the field of sex and sexuality. A real gem. DO REMEMBER that it's possible that the 3some is really just a fantasy of your husband's. Fantasies and realities are vastly different things. If he really just wants the fantasy then that's fairly easily dealt with. We all have fantasies. If he wants the reality, there are about 40 questions to answer before even seriously considering it.
Not my thing in the least. If it is yours, so be it. However, I do think this is something that should be more of a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, not husband/wife. From most of what I have heard and what you are hearing on here, it is lethal for a relationship unless this is something you are prepared to have be a part of your life, not just a one time thing. I just think there is too much at risk here. You are married and have a child. There are plenty of kinky things the two of you can do, without needing to bring some one else in.
Im sorry if my husband asked me this then i would be a little curious if he would cheat on me because apparently he wants to have sex with someone else. Me and my hubby are young also 21 & 27 and there would be no way in hell i would have a 3some. That would def. ruin your marriage and could you handle watching your hubby having sex with another girl in front of you i know i wouldnt.
I'd tell my husband that sure I would be thrilled to have another man involved in the mix...that would shut him up and get your point across really quick!
When I was in high school, my friend's older sister (who we thought was cool, but now......sheesh, we both know better!).....she was married to a really great guy. A marine, good looking, great dad, funny, fun, etc. They thought it'd be cool to try it. Them as a couple swinging with another couple that were their best friends. Next thing you know, the other couple breaks up and while the marine is at work, the other guy is coming around. It broke up both couples. My friend's sister got divorced, she very briefly dated the other guy, but that didn't last long either...there were issues from the beginning because of how they got together to begin with. (We thought the divorce was SO sad! They could have been great together), but things just didn't go as planned. They rarely do. (They were pretty young too----older than us, but well under 30). Or you could go with a total stranger, but that's pretty ick.
I was approached by a couple about this when I was 22, they were in their mid-30s. They had taken me out to dinner (which I thought was normal) and then brought it up while we were eating. They gave me every line in the book about noone "owns" the other person, the couple is jointly perfectly ok with this, this is a way to "enhance" and spice up the relationship, and the biggest lie of all: noone will get hurt because it's all being done together. Well, let me tell you that the wife didn't like it at all. (We didn't do anything, I could see she was going along with it verbally but when the husband left the table to go to the bathroom, I could see the hurt in her eyes and I asked if she was experienced in this and she said yes and she loved it, but she teared up a little). Heck no, that was so sad to see. I think she felt like she had to go along with something that she didn't like, because she was scared he'd leave her. I promised her that she would never have to worry about me intruding on their marriage, paid for my own dinner, and that was the last I saw of them. It made me sad that she was miserable. I think it was really screwed up for him to put that on her.
I would not "hate" your husband because I think it's such a commonly talked about "fantasy" that at your age, he probably is just curious and interested. Have a serious think on it. If you do not want to do that, then you need to be honest and say so, telling him that your vows were to be together and you didn't want anyone else involved in what is intimately between you and him. I would be upset if my husband brought it up now after all we've been through, how long we've been together. But at your age, it wouldn't be as much of a surprise. I mean, in even the silly comedies we watch these days, they mention it. Seems like it's everywhere. I personally think it's terrible, like the institution of marriage is under attack by our society. But that's just me. If this was something to get involved in, it should have been as kids, not married WITH a kid. If things go wrong and it messes up the dynamic of your marriage (I can't see how it wouldn't), you've got a child who's got to live with this choice.
My SO has that fantasy, and we have talked openly about it. Thats pretty much where it stops. I can understand some men (most of the ones I know) get turned on by it, and thats fine. Men and woman all have their fantasies. It's when someone tries to push their partner into a fantasy, trying to make it reality, and the partner isn't comfortable with it, is usually when it creates a huge problem in the relationship.
I also don't view his fantasy as an "aren't I good enough" thing. I guess mainly because I know he had that fantasy since he went through puberty. So with everything GF he has ever had that fantasy has always existed. I also asked him, "ok, who do you have in mind." His response was he didn't know, it's just something he thinks about. So I asked, "who is the other girl you think about," in which he responded..."I don't know, she's not real, lol". So I know he doesn't have a real person in mind, it's just made up. Now maybe if he said "the girl at starbucks, you know the redhead," I would have definately had a different conversation with him. LOL.
If you really felt offended you need to let him know how you feel about him wanting another girl. It's ok to keep the fantasy in your head, it doesn't have to become reality. But by sharing them with your partner, if one is hurt over it, that needs to be cleared up, or you may have those thoughts in your head from now on (the seeds already planted).
I love what Tracey said too, lol. =)
Good Luck.
My X wanted this and he wanted to be a swinger. I told him that there was no way that I would do it. I think that is several mens' fantasy. I find it to be disgusting. My X husband managed to find two other couples that were into this. I could not imagine!! I had a friend that did this when she first got married and she said that it destroyed all the trust in the couple.
I guarantee it will destroy your marriage. I guess according to today's standards my husband and I are old fashioned, but we started dating at 16, waited 6 LONG years before we got married and then had sex. It was extremely difficult, but we were strongly convicted that we were going to make it. We were two people who truly became one. We are now 33 and 34 and we have the most satisfying sexual relationship. There are no insecurities between us because there is no competition. We are certainly not the perfect couple and have plenty of disagreements, but this is one area that has brought us so much joy because of the choices we have intentionally made. This could be one of those turning point decisions for your marriage. If you want your marriage to last for a lifetime, be 100% devoted to each other. There are plenty of really fun and creative ways to enjoy each other! Your baby needs committed parents. Your husband is wrong to ask this of you. As his wife you deserve all of him!! Expect that from him. I'm so sorry you're in this confusing situation.
You want to stop it? Have the conversation and discuss the "rules" of engagement ... you will not be able to agree on anything and it will be thrown out the window but you will get brownie points for listening to his request.