Husband doesn't believe in college

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1

I just found out that my husband doesn't think going to college is necessary, and doesn't plan on encouraging it for his daughter. I think college or some type of trade school or training is ESSENTIAL. I really do believe that going away to school is a good step for a lot of kids to help gain their independence.

I went to a 4-year college, graduated with honors, and did 10 years in my chosen field. I was on my own right out of college and remained so ever since.

My hubby had a child and had to get married right out of high school. He didn't have a chance to go to college. He did go for a semester once and decided he didn't like it. He lived at home for 6 years after getting married and only a few years ago studied for a certificate and is now working in his field and he owns his own business.

Having gone away to school I can honestly say from experience that it gave me a good intermediate step to being on my own. Even though my hubby's business is successful and I'm so proud of him, I made more than he does now at my first job right out of college. By the end of my 10 years I was making double what he makes.

My hubby thinks that colleges are a waste of money, that they don't teach you anything, and you could learn the same things by reading books on your own. He points out the many people who are successful who didn't even graduate high school. HE hated school, and also he hated the one semester of college.

I believe that you don't HAVE to have college to be successful, but those people who were able to "make it" without it are exceptional and not the norm.

It's true that the new career I'm doing doesn't require a college degree, but I would not know what I know about life had I not went to college AND worked in the business world for 10 years. Even in my new career, I still apply MANY of the things I learned in college. I'm also happy that I was independent for so many years, and even though I now depend on my husband for a lot of our income, I still have the knowledge that I could do it on my own if I wanted to.

I feel it's my duty as the homeschool teacher to guide my SD down the right path. Whatever she decides to do will determine what kind of training she needs, and that could mean college.

However, she's not my child so ultimately the decision isn't mine.

Any suggestions on what to do???

2

I disagree with your husband. Especially in this day and time most employers won't even look at your resume unless you have a college degree.

3

Just keep talking to your step daughter about college, careers and other exotic adventures. Everytime you watch a movie or something on t.v. -- any chance you get really -- talk to her about a career that is being depicted and what type of academic and work experience that she needs in order to land such a job. A good example of this would be watching a movie like The Devil Wears Prada and talking to her about what it takes to become a journalist or in the fashion industry.

I'm not sure if you can change your husband's perspective on this but, even if you don't, your step daughter won't be the first young adult to attend college without her parents full support. Unfortunately, it just makes it that much harder. Maybe, given enough time, and with a lot more real world experience under his belt, your husband might soften his position on the issue of higher education.

Wishing you the best of luck.

4

i am 40 and never went to college and am struggling bad in todays economy. I wish now I had gone and am trying to go back and get a degree at 40. my other half never went to college either. now in all fairness not all kids are college material such as my son but he is going to go to votech and get his hvac liscense. which still makes good money college or votech or mcdonalds is the choice in todays economy

5

maybe he just don't want his baby girl to grow up so fast......

6

Setup an education fund anyway, but don't make it an education fund just savings and not a 401k, be exact because the penalties apply according to how it is used.

My husband and I plan to do this (have to leave Hawaii first, been years since we did more than "withdraw"). I am in love with the idea that my children will be given a chance at an amazing high school that could almost be as great as an outstanding community college or better. I feel that there isn't any pressure to give them about being "hirable" but more so being successful at a passion they love enough that rewards them with prosperity in whatever office or non-office they choose. If they are excited to pursue many degrees, which has happened to many of us than they will be helped easiest into a university. But, if they have a passion that is holding on to them and they have been practicing for awhile, etc - something is in them to do, then I think college can wait. I am sure to have a great number of speeches about happiness having a small portion of working towards income if it is just about the money. I think a thrifty poet or artist has a real life, but so do veterinarians, etc.

Whether they want to start a business, buy a home (downpayment), take a trip around the world, or even go to college, they will get their chance, but I am pretty sure we will still be parenting the fund = it is not a free for all, it is for a great start out of the nest and into their own "time". I really do want them to be a life long learner and I am sure they will find a college to make that happen at any point they choose. We are still working out the details, but we aren't going to tell them until really late in high school. Actually I am planning on a very heavy high school education or the best for them. I do think raising great students at this point in their life is paramount or key to the rest of the years and I predict they would be able to go to college after that. It worries me to think that I could let them blow there chance to shine during these years because I secretly feel they are allowed to choose later on. I will never let that happen. I think the pressure to do well under my wing is the confidence I want to help them grow so they will soar out there in the world (on their own path). :)

7

Perhaps you could try to tell your SD what you have told us. How much you enjoyed college, how it helped you attain your goals fast and well. Make it sound a positive experience and also one which will allow her to treat herself when she is older with all those things she sees in magazines and on the TV now.

I wish you the best of luck, college is important for young people, they need to be given guidance and a future, not dead-end jobs.

8

Eventually in order to survive in today's world, you need an education. The good old days where you just finished high school and could go to the factory to work are gone. Your SD may take her dad's advice when she graduates and not go to school, but somewhere down the road unless she is in the small minority who actually is lucky enough to hit the lottery, she will realize that she needs an education to survive. I tell my 15 year old that she needs to go to college, pay her dues while she is young so that she can earn her money and end up employable while she still is young enough. Your hubby needs to change his attitude. This isn't the 1960's or 1970's anymore.

9

I really think it depends upon the individual. If they want to be a tradesman/woman they they need to learn a trade. Whether or not my kids go to college is not the biggest deal in the world but I do want them to be prepared for providing for themselves. You can still do an apprenticeship in this day and age and have a successful career. It is all in what you want to do and how hard you want to work.

10

NS---Some sort of post high school education is essential. You can get statistics from your high school guidance counselors office, but I know that college grad's earning potential is FAR greater than a hs grad's. Doesn't mean that a person can't make a living wage...or even become wealthy without one, but the chances are slim.

The next consideration is that a woman's earning potential is less than a man's. In all likelihood, she'll get married and have a partner to share the family expenses. But, divorce is also a possibility in her future. What if that happens? She will want to have the knowledge and ability to take care of herself should that ever happen. A good education is never a bad idea.

My grandparents discouraged me...and I'm guessing my father as well. I feel badly for my dad. He is gifted musically and I'm sure he would have been an excellent teacher, and I can see how his and my mother's life would have been very different had he gone to college. Again, doesn't always happen but....It's like I tell my kids when they go to school without mittens or gloves. It's better to have them and not need them rather than need them and not have them.

Good luck...it will take patience and perserverance on your part to educate your husband on the value of a college or some sort of vocational training.
Be well, Diane

11

I disagree with your husband in spirit BUT college DOESN'T work for everyone. I recently took a job that has nothing to do with my degree...but the 10+ years in my field brought me to the point I am today. I doubt that I would be where I am without starting down the path where I did. I know many incredibly successful (and smart) people who didn't need college and likely would have been hindered by it.

My grandfather was very extreme in his belief that women didn't need an education...my mom wasn't even allowed to get her driver's license until she married my dad! It just drove her to make sure that I would experience everything that had been discouraged for her.

Working in manufacturing now, I can tell you there is a shortage of skilled tradespeople and that, more and more, women are accepted into traditionally male positions.

Encourage your daughter to love learning and be curious. Support her in making her own decisions...and letting her take responsibility for her mistakes. It doesn't mean you can't be there to help her--I know I've needed my parents--but she will have to live through some of her own messes.

12

I agree that going to college for the sake of it is a waste of time and money. If there is something that your SD wants to do that requires a degree then you should encourage her to go for it.

Colleges are businesses and they are in the business of making money - it has become the "in" thing to do whether necessary or affordable. Having a Prada purse won't make you popular, wearing $100 jeans won't make you skinny, you won't die if you never own a pair of Minolo Blahniks, you won't be destitute if you don't go to college and you won't be guaranteed a good paying job if you do.

I left school at 16 (not pregnant as someone alluded to - this is the norm in England), moved to the USA at 21 and have worked back and forth from the UK to the USA several times in the last 20 years (many times working as a temp) and I can still make more money than my husband.

You do not need to go to college to learn about a good work ethic, about using common sense and doing the right thing. If you want to be a doctor then definitely get all the education necessary.

Michigan is full of overeducated, unemployed people who do not know the first thing about being a good employee.

That being said my husband and I are attempting to save money in case our 5 year old does want to go to college - of course the first 2 years will be community college. If she does not choose the college route then we will encourage her to travel and work her way around the world which I think will give her a much better grounding to join the workforce than a degree in sociology, gardening, music etc.

Ultimately, the decision will be your SD's not yours or your husbands - just talk to her about options and encourage her, whatever her decision.

EDIT: I know many people still trying to pay off college debt who earn less than I do - these are the ones who didn't have mummy and daddy picking up the tab - and I strongly disagree with paying for a child (technically an adult) to spend the first year or two at college to "find" themselves. When parents pay for the education with no consequences all the young adult learns is that the longer they stay in college the more they can delay joining the real world and paying for themselves.

Once again... the choice ultimately, will be your daughters and your decision to make her aware of her options is the best thing you can do for her although... I am now seeing may young adults who are so confused by all the options that they cannot settle on any one thing.

Good luck - it's a minefiled out there.

13

even if your husband doesn't believe in it that doesn't mean that your SD will make the choice not to go. She'll be the one who decides in the end.

14

Do you homeschool your step daughter? Do you have custody with your husband of her? It sounds like it.

I read on your profile she is 8. This is a great time to get her involved in Girl scouts. Surround her with women who have been to college. Take her on field trips where she has to interact with those who have been to college or are going to college. Talk about it.

Say things like "When you are in college" "In college you will learn"

I was in 2nd grade and my dad said When you take calculus in high school, you'll need to know this. He taught math in HS. I eventually went to college and minored in math because my dad always said When you take caclulus/algebra/trigonometry. It was never an if or a choice, it was a Commandment.

My husband started off not wanting to prepare the children for college. He said the same things, but his take was they can go to the military. I stood up to him and said LIKE HE!!. They will have college funds. ONe of mine is in the NAvy the next one is taking the PSAT as I write this and hoping for some scholarship money out of it. We have funds set up for all four.

Set up college funds. Keep the conversations going. Encourage her to tell you what she wants to do; a vet, college, a teacher, college, the President, college.

15

Well hopefully at 18, she is an adult and can make her own decisions.
My hubby struggles to find good jobs because he did not go to college.
It may not be essential to finding work, but it is essential for finding well paid work in a field you are interested in.

Of course there are other avenues, like apprenticeships, ultimately it will be her choice - to stop her going to college, would I'm sure be looked upon as slightly abusive,

16

let her decide
both of you present your cases and then let her decide when the time comes
not every person has the same path and have both sides of the coin presented is never a bad thing honestly

17

It sounds like it is his way of justifying his own history. My hubby was never encouraged to go, was told it was a waste of time, etc by all the extended family... but he wanted to go anyway. It was necessary to get a leg up in his chosen career (get accepted into the FAA ATC academy)... NOW, now that he is successful (maybe more than anyone else in the family) all the rest of the family has changed their tune and all wonder why no one ever encouraged THEM to go...

Yes, there are a lot of stories in the news lately about people 100's of thousands in debt in student loans, that they may never be able to pay back. But those are people who didn't think about what they were doing... just took out student loans to live and go to school with no no to their expected earning potential when they were done. You can go the first 2 years at a community/junior college (or even in some places do dual enrollment during high school for FREE) for a lot less $ for the same credits, then transfer to a 4 yr college, if that fits with her long term goals. If it doesn't, having her 2 yr AA can make a difference for her as well.

And yes.. besides work/career, there is a lot of maturing that goes on during college that can help her learn to manage her own life, that those still living at home with no real future/job prospects right then miss out on.

18

A university or college education was never meant to be primarily vocational. Universities exist, first and foremost, for the pursuit of knowledge. Second, universities are meant to help students learn to think critically and become better citizens. Further down on the list, and perhaps slightly less important, universities are also places where students learn specific skills that usually, but not always, help in a trade they will work in at a later time. (Example: I work in IT doing webby stuff, but my degree is in philosophy. I occasionally apply the logic I learned in philosophy to my trade.) Many people grow skeptical and bitter toward universities because they don't understand that universities are primarily places for active learning and research - not necessarily places where professors and instructors dump knowledge into your brain so that you can get a better job. Here is a mission statement from a liberal arts college in your home state:

 "A liberal [arts] education at Illinois Wesleyan fosters creativity, critical thinking, effective communication, strength of character and a spirit of inquiry; it deepens the specialized knowledge of a discipline with a comprehensive world view. It affords the greatest possibilities for realizing individual potential while preparing students for democratic citizenship and life in a global society. "

If your primary intent is to send your daughter to a university so that she can learn a trade or so that she can earn a high salary, then you must weigh the cost of tuition against her potential earnings post graduation. It doesn't make sense, for example, to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on a college education if her only wish is to become a professional photographer, and she shows little interest in anything else.

I suspect, however, that you want your daughter to experience being a part of a community of active learners and engaged citizens. If this is the case, then start to explain as soon as she can understand, what a university education is, and how she can make the best of her time at a university.

Additionally, I disagree strongly with Dawn D. Non-profit colleges and universities are not businesses. Non-profit universities do not operate like businesses, and do not make profits. In fact, the full cost incurred by many state universities providing professors and classes for students (as opposed to research) is not covered by the cost of tuition (that is why state state universities are subsidized by state governments). Perhaps Dawn was thinking about for-profit colleges like the University of Phoenix or trade schools like Le Cordon Bleu which have recently come under considerable criticism:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/14/business/14schools.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/11/opinion/11dehn.html

So, both you and your husband are correct. Your husband is right when he says that you can be successful and wealthy without a college degree. It is also the case that a college degree doesn't always lead to monetary wealth, and in some cases (especially if you attend a for-profit institution - read the articles above), can lead to a financial ruin. My husband and I understand fully that a university degree does not make one automatically wealthy (more commonly it makes one finanically comfortable). He has a Ph.D. and I have a bachelor's, and we are by no means even upper-middle-class because we both work for a university - hahaha! Of course, traditionally a university degree in the United States has made it possible for millions of Americans to lead a more solidly middle-class life than their parents led.

(As an aside, I like Suze Orman's advice for college savings and attendance: http://www.suzeorman.com/igsbase/igstemplate.cfm?SRC=MD012&SRCN=aoedetails&GnavID=84&SnavID=24&TnavID=&AreasofExpertiseID=66 She also advises potential students to not spend large amounts of money on a degree which may not pay much post-graduation.)

More interesting viewpoints:

http://www.aps.org/publications/apsnews/200611/viewpoint.cfm
http://chronicle.com/article/Are-Too-Many-Students-Going-to/49039/
http://faculty.otterbein.edu/Amills/MillsCollegeEssay.html#Footnote1
http://politics.usnews.com/opinion/blogs/editors-note/2010/8/17/is-a-college-education-worth-the-price.html

19

I went to college, then back for more schooling (Bachelor degree and a paralegal certificate) do not have a job in my field, but plan to still go back again. I do not make a lot of money, but spent a number of years raising my children and subbing. Different strokes for different folks so to speak. My husband didn't go to college, makes lots more money than I do. But he fully believes in college. Things do not always happen as anticipated (my example/his example) but college to me is a must or as you say a trade school. Once I was told pick a trade and a profession and you will never go wrong. I chose to live my way, because I had been divorced and remarried I wanted to put a great deal of energy into my children, to be as close to a stay at home as possible (that's another issue on whether that created secure human beings or not in my particular case but I still believe strongly in that, too) and therefore what I did enabled me to stay home during holidays, summers, etc. The point is, never stop learning because no one can take that away from you. My oldest son got his degree recently, most of it done on line, and my younger son has to continue in school somehow but is confused right now. I love, love education and enjoyed college. I will go back for more even if I do not make a lot of money now, the possibilities exist. I can see where your husband is coming from and when it isn't encouraged in families people don't always see the value in it. They prefer to have things instantly. My suggestion is to always point out her skills, spend time researching scholarships, etc and let her know what's available out there. You are right it is up to her to choose. You and her schools will let her know what those choices can be.

20

It is true that a lot of people do make it without college; however, it is getting tougher and tougher in today's world. He hated college, you loved it. Just as some kids hate school and others love it. It is ok to have different opinions. She is not him nor is she you. Continue to encourage she explore the possibility of college and ask him to at least not discourage it. That way, she knows it is an option but can decide for herself. Make sure when the time is right, she is able to take the SATs so that does not limit her. This allows her to have options, know they exist and no one is going against what they believe.