OK, I know I can’t be alone here. Anyone else dealing with a husband whose job is bringing him down? Give me some words of advice and encouragement, please! My husband has been overloaded at work for the past couple of months and it is really starting to effect him and our home life. He is tired most of the time, so he is not doing anywhere near as much housework, cooking etc as he used to. I work FT too and we have a toddler, so it is hard to keep up! The other issue is the near constant moodiness and complaining. I am afraid to even ask him “how was work” because he just starts venting and won’t stop. The way he talks about his coworkers and situations at work scares me - I am thinking he had better adjust his attitude or he is going to come off as a real downer at work! It is just so hard to deal with this when I work FT too! Advice please!
Is this a temporary/short term unhappiness? My hubby does this from time to time too when he’s really swamped. I just try to grin and bear it (I used to work full time as well before being laid off.) I try to help out with some of his responsibilities but make sure he knows I am doing it to try to lake a load off for him while he’s struggling. AT one point, I felt like he was beginning to take advantage of this “help” and the unhappiness at work was dragging on and on. Then, it was time for a serious talk about if he needs to be looking for a new job or what he can do to better the situation. We made a chore chart because I told him I get overwhelmed too, but things still need to get done.
Sorry, no real good advice - but no, you are not alone!
When my husband was going through this at work, I asked him one time - “Well, what do you want to do about it?” His answer was - find another job. So we came up with a new house hold plan (finances, etc) and he started looking for jobs and covertly applying. He had been miserable for about 6 months, but the fact I got it as a FT working parent and his support when he needs it, was helpful to him and gave him the permission he needed to go out and take a scary step in a scary time that ultimately benefited him and us.
Let me say that was a year ago and he is so happy in his new role. He is successful, has the time he needs to be a human and has been extremely supportive of me and the kids in what we want to do as a result of having the support from us.
I am not saying it is an easy conversation, but it is one you all should have.
good luck!
Ugh. I hear ya sista!
My husband & I work for the same company so I’m almost afraid to bring “work” up. My husband has a pretty stressful job.
Overall, I think it goes in cycles…I just try to ride out the super stressful times as best as we can…
I work PT and he does pitch in at home (less when he’s really tired though, so I pick up the slack).
He starts work most days at 4 a.m. so by 8:00ish–he’s done & checked out most evenings. I usually tell him to just go to bed (he usually puts our son to bed, prays with him, etc.) because sleep is just THAT important for him to keep it together.
(Funny thing is he’s a true leader, motivator and team player at work, very sought after for ideas, advice, etc…so I wouldn’t worry too much about him being a Debbie Downer, because it might not be true there!)
Hang in there!
My hubby was so there about 2 years ago. I KNOW he was a work downer - he was also a home downer and just a really stressed out miserable human being. After a while I just finally laid it on the line - either you find a new job or stop bitching incessantly about this one. He was able to start applying for other jobs and despite a career change and lower pay (we lost $15k initially with his new job) our lives have been so much better. I got my hubby back and the miserable cretin who had replaced him for so long disappeared. And after a year he was able to gain back that $15k that he lost in pay. I can’t guarantee it will work out that way for you but I would first listen, two recommend and finally three lay it on the line. Good luck…
oh sister, I am with you. Sorry, no wise words, but you have my whole hearted empathy. 
My husband was unhappy with his entire profession - not just this one job. I had to tell him over and over again that I appreciated how hard he worked for us, and that I would fully support him trying to find another job.
He was concerned about a drop in pay, more drive time, etc. I had to remind him multiple times that we could work that stuff out - that I wanted him to be happy.
We started applying for jobs for him. (I say we - he told me he wanted to start looking, so I started looking, sending him possibilities, and then drafting his resume each time. I typically was also the one to fill out online applications. He just isn’t good at that stuff and I am. The jobs he would have been taking wouldn’t have required him to have a lot of skills in those areas, anyway.)
He went on a couple of interviews. Nothing really came of much. But I kept encouraging - telling him how much I appreciated him continuing to work at a job he was really tired of for his family. I told him that we would keep applying.
Deep down I knew that the only way he would land a new job in a new field was through networking - knowing someone. He doesn’t sell really well on paper, but anyone who knows him DREAMS of having him work for them.
Lo and behold - he ended up with two solid opportunities around the same time and he starts his new job after Thanksgiving. Everyone who knows him and knows what the job is keeps telling him how good this will be for him and for his family - and how his new boss is super excited to work with him and how much he respects my husband.
Keep encouraging. Ask if he wants to change careers, and then support in any way you can.
AB, if the way he talks about his co-workers truly scares you, if you really meant that, then you need to get him some help, a counselor to talk to. Sometimes people do “out there” things if they go over a mental edge. From your description, it sounds like that might be in the making.
Can you hire a cleaning service to come in once a week or once every other week? Don’t bother to ask him - just do it. If you can just manage the clothes and the food, and have a service clean for you, let the rest go. The house certainly doesn’t have to be perfect.
Instead of asking him how his day was, turn on some quiet jazz music, get some nice massage oil, pull off his shirt and start rubbing his back. Tell him to close his eyes, and let him enjoy ten minutes of this when he gets home. It might set the tone for his evening at home.
I really hope you can get him to talk to someone.
Good luck,
Dawn
I’ve had this on and off, mostly on, for years. I finally had to get angry several times and tell him I can’t listen anymore. I told him he needed to talk to friends some, his mother, other people in general as I work FT too and am main caregiver and only have so much capacity. It took awhile but he stopped. I don’t think it’s healthy to talk about work all the time anyway. He’s not in that job anymore but his obsession with work will probably be until he retires. So I had to set limits for my sanity. One thing I read is to set-up a time each night - ie: 15 min - that he can just vent. You listen undividedly and he knows when that 15 min is up, he’s done. Then if it’s long term unhappiness, you have to start looking at other jobs for him. I may sound unsympathetic to my husband but I’m the primary breadwinner and he works somewhat for ego reasons so listening to him complain unendingly when I wasn’t making him keep this job was putting me over the edge. If you need him to keep this job, then hopefully you can pay for a bit of help around the house. If he has the option of switching jobs, then he needs to take that option and responsibility for his life. No perfect answer for you -sorry. But I’ve been there. It gets easier as the kids get older…
It might be a good time to suggest that your husband update his resume and start looking for a new job. While he has a job that he hates, he should be motivated to find something new but he’ll also still have a paycheck coming in and can leave on his own terms. It would be much better than his losing his temper or worse on the job or getting fired for a poor attitude.
And yes, BTDT, received the award.
I certainly have had my share of bad days at work and what’s rough for me is that I hold it all in, keep a smile on my face and behave professionally no matter what. Some days, I am so wound up when I get home because I’ve been carrying all that crap around with me and just grinning through it.
I understand that your husband venting is bringing you down, but if he’s like me, he’s got to get it out somewhere. Sometimes walking really helps me.
Maybe, for Christmas, you can get him a punching bag that he can hang in the garage and go out and physically exert himself and get some of that bad energy off his chest.
Maybe talk with him about this and make an agreement that after he gets home, he changes his clothes and he vents for 15 minutes, getting it all off his chest and then it’s time to let it go and get on with the evening.
When your unhappiness at work gets to the point where you can’t enjoy being at home either, it’s time to do something.
I think he should work on updating his resume and keeping his eyes open for other jobs. In the meantime, he needs to find a way to shake the stress of the day off so that he can put it out of his mind and enjoy his family and home.
He’ll be back at work soon enough…might as well try to let it go while he can.
I wish you the best.
I imagine this answer might throw some people, but have you tried upping the action in the bedroom? I know that is probably the last thing you feel like given his moods, but sometimes that kind of closeness can make everything feel better.
Whew that is a tough one…but we made it through and I am sure you can too. In saying that the worst part of my husbands situation was that he was totally unappreciated and continuously be used for how hard he worked. It took my husband quite a bit of time but he ended up switching jobs. Still harbored the feelings,but the light to all of this is once he realized it was a job you go to work you come home…and leave work at work it was ALOT better.
For you…I just took one day at a time and tried to be as supportive as I could. Wish I could give you a simple quick answer…but I will pray for a quick resolve for you and your family.
You are not alone.My husband is never happy at his job and will jump to another company (or start his own) at the drop of a hat. It drives me insane! Then he wonders why his friend can by the nice sports car, or take that great vacation. They stay in their job and work their way up and don’t get themselves further in debt by starting their own business then get tired of it(or find out its too difficult). I have been dealing with this for 14 years. I finally had to decide that as long as the bills are paid and we have health insurance for our family, I won’t say anything. It sucks though when me and my boys are having a good day, and then hubby comes home in a mood and brings down the vibe in the whole house. And then I feel I can’t share what a great day we had as he will say, “must be nice”. Ughh!
Do you ever mirror his emotions? Try telling him, “Wow, that sounds terrible,” or “Man, she’s a real bit*h,” etc. when he complains.
Are you listening and not saying anything, or listening and trying to tell him why he shouldn’t feel that way? That will make him bith more. If you mirror his feelings, it will usually make him bith less.
If you mirror his emotions, and he still rants like that, I don’t have any further suggestions. Good luck.