I am feeling like the worst daughter ever. I suggested to my mom that she would be more comfortable at a hotel than at our house on her next visit. Why? She hates animals and we have 4. Last time she was here she would not sit on the furniture and would eat her meals standing up so as to not touch the furniture the animals touched. (2 dogs 2 cats)
Also, space is tight here, we have 3 small bedrooms and 4 people live here. She would have to sleep in a bunk bed if she stayed here, lol! edited to say of course I explained to her the reasons I thought she would be more comfortable in a hotel*Also explained that because my sons are so different in age they have different bedtimes that is why I don't want to bunk them together. She seethed at that!!*
ADDED HERE; Also she won't sleep on the couch, she expects us too, so she can have a bed!!!! **********
She FREAKED OUT. She told me I am the worst daughter ever she would never have talked like that to her mother etc.....I didn't appreciate her yelling at me and told her to call me when she didn't have to yell. That was 3 weeks ago.
She is suppose to come visit next week, and I guess that is not happening.
Should I call her? What do you think?
**Read your Edit:
Okay so you explained to her.
Well, then she is being snitty and fussy.
So be it.
She can come and stay.
BUT that is her choice.
She KNOWS... how your home is.
It is not a hotel.
Ouch.
Well did you explain to her... that it is because you have many pets and hardly any room in your home???? And that you were just trying to be common sense about it? Or thoughtful about her and her feelings on your home?
If not, then tell her that.
THEN, it is her choice, where to stay.
And that, you cannot kick out your pets nor your kids nor build extra rooms for her, to come and stay. (but of course don't tell her that).
I think you could have presented it a bit differently. However I was your
mother, I would never even consider staying with you since she does not
like animals. I have a snake phobia and if one of my kids had one of those
in their house, let me tell you I would be at a hotel. I would not care if it was
under lock and key!!!! I think your Mom should volunteer to stay in a hotel
unless it is financially a burden, then you should pick up the tab. Good luck.
Of course you should call her. Tell her you were not trying to be rude but you honestly thought she would be more comfy at a hotel but she is ALWAYS more than welcome to stay at your house!!
My parents and in-laws always insist on staying in a hotel. We even have a guest bedroom. I think you're mom was being nasty, altough I would suck it up and call.
Wow, are you my sister? that totally sounds like my mom, lol. I only have a cat but my mom is scared of cats.
You may as well call her and get it over with. tell her "Mommy, I brought up the hotel thing because you just seemed so uncomfortable with the animals and stuff, you know I would rather you stay with me at my home but I just want you to know that I would totally understand and it would not hurt my feelings if you would feel better staying at a motel rather than my place.."
As for you, if Mom wants to be all weird and not sit on the furniture or whatever while there that's her prerogative, dont let it bother you.... she has options and should be free to apply them.
3 weeks has passed and if your mom is like my mom she feels its YOU that should do the calling to fix this. Trust me, she's waiting for your call, lol.
Have a glass of wine and then call her up.
My parents stay at a hotel every time they come. We have a pull out couch and they hate it anyway. Plus my dad is a smoker and he's not allowed to in our house.
When I first had my baby we said everyone had to stay in a hotel and not at the house my mom flipped out and told everyone that my husband hated her and didnt want her to stay with us. I told her we didnt want anyone to stay with us because I wanted bonding time with the baby. I hate that she made my husband the bad guy when we both didnt want her staying with us and taking over.
You'll just have to get through the crappy time until the time when she realizes it would be more awesome. Plus my dad now loves that they get a hotel nearby with a pool and he gets to take Nora swimming.
Wow. I'm not really surprised your mom was angry if you explained things to her the way you explained them to us. You were overly practical, but not very caring or gentle. I think she over-reacted by calling you the worst daughter ever but she has a right to be upset.
I would call her. "Mom, I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings. My intentions in suggesting that you stay at a hotel were really for your comfort when it comes to bed time. I realize that it came off as if I wouldn't appreciate having you here and that it would seem like a bother, but that's not true. I'm so sorry that it came out that way. I'm concerned about the space for sleeping, but I'm sure we can come up with something. I hope you still plan on coming to visit next week. Should I make up a bed?"
EDIT: I just want to add that essentially what I'm saying is that while I agree with you at heart, your mom isn't entirely wrong to be upset with what you said. This is a matter of "It's not what you said but how you said it." So many people have lost the ability to recognize that when you speak to family you have to use tact and sensitivity... yes, even your own mother. And yes, even when your mother behaved poorly. But that was behavior that should have been addressed at the time. When your mother stood during dinner rather than eat at the table, it should have been handled right then. If she had issues with sleeping arrangements that's when you offer to put her up at a hotel down the street so that she's more comfortable. If she complains about pet fur on the furniture, pull out the vacuum and let her clean for you. But address these things at the time that they're an issue rather than holding on to them until it's time to plan her next visit when you're likely to offend her because you've built up lots of anger and resentment.
Yeah, I guess you should call - time to break the ice. In my opinion, her behavior when at your house is rude, passive - aggressive and petty. I don't blame you for wanting to save all of you from the aggravation.
I am on the flip side of this. My husband and son and I were going to go out to visit my family and my parents have a bit of a full house. My mom basically told me it would be too stressful to try and make it work w/all of us.
While it certainly wasn't easy to hear that there was "no room at the inn" in my parents' house, I could appreciate her honesty. In the past, she has gone out of her way to accommodate everyone, which usually ends up stressing her out, which stresses us out and ticks us off bc she wasn't open and honest with us at the outset.
So just try to explain that you honestly had her best interest and comfort at heart when you suggested this (and perhaps cite the examples you mentioned so she sees that her distaste for the "conditions" at your house are more than evident to you), apologize, and ask her what she would like to do.
Unless you said it meanly or rudely, I don't think you're the worst daughter ever. You're obviously crowded and your mom obviously has issues with your home, so it's a reasonable suggestion. I've suggested this to both my parents on different occasions because they both made it very clear that my housekeeping was not up to their standards. For her to get angry with you for seeing to her comfort is ridiculous and petty.
I would call her to see what her intentions are. Be upbeat and cheerful. If she chooses not to visit because YOU tried to make HER more comfortable, well, that's her loss.
My mom has only stayed in our house on a visit ONCE and that was because she was coming with the purpose of taking care of my son for 10 days. She and my sister rather stay in a hotel, sis due to dogs (not a dog liker), mom because she likes to give us our space when she visits.
I can see your reasoning...however, I also understand your mom being offended. She may hate your pets and she may not like sleeping in a bunk, but it apparently was not bad enough for her to choose to stay at a hotel. SHE felt at least good enough about the situation that SHE chose to put herself into it again.
I would not have mentioned anything about a hotel at all -- instead, it may have been more tactful to allow her to come, but secretly hope that, for her own sake, she will decide to either visit less often, or for shorter periods of time, or stay at a hotel.
Well, now that you have said it, you are not talking. This is not worth compromising your relationship with your mother. Since your mom is "old folk," meaning that many older folk are resistant to changing their opinion on things -- I would not wait for her to call you, since she either will not, or if she does, she will still be bitter.
I would take the high road here and call back to apologize for offending her. You were not wrong in making the hotel suggestion, but since you offended her, and preserving the integrity of your relationship is most important, it is worth your time to say that you are sorry.
Yuck!!
That is a touchy one but you explained why. If I were you I would jus cram her in! If she wants to stand then so be it! I don't like animals either and when im at my uncles and their cat tries to eat off my plate (they are allowed to be on the tables, ect) I get up and move elsewhere. Its not my cup or tea but I wouldn't keep it from me vistiting. Call your mom and work it out. Life too short. Good luck honey
Diplomatically speaking, the hotel thing would have gone over better if it had been (or seemed to have been) your mama's idea instead of yours.
Actually, my mama brought it up with me. It was when we were in a teeny-tiny house with two babies, a dog, two cats, my husband, and me. She stayed once, and after that she said, "I think I'll find a motel." Happily, she found the neighbors up the street instead, who had a large house with guest rooms and took her in as if she were THEIR mother.
If you want to call your mom, tell her you love her, and ask her if she is still coming, you can tell her that story. Maybe she'll laugh and relax a bit. Then you can say something like, "We love you so much, and I want the grandchildren to know you, but I want you to have a good time, too." If she says she has a good enough time standing up, let her do it that way. She's made the choice.
If she says she isn't coming, say, "I'm so sorry. We love you!" Then keep in contact. Snail mail can come in handy here - send her cards from her grandchildren that she can keep and look at often. Let her simmer down, and invite her again in a few months.
I know your intention was completely good and valid. The problem is, since your mom didn't come up with the idea-she chose to be hurt about it. Until she acts like an adult and tells you how she feels, you won't get anywhere. I would write her an email and ask her to call you. Tell her you want to settle whatever you need to but there are ground rules--no yelling and no name calling. GL!
You all must dont have a good mother/daughter relationship? You told your mom to stay in a hotel? Thats messed up. Of course you should call her. Obviously she is pissed if 3 whole weeks have went by, and no phone call. Let her decide if she want to stay in a hotel or not. That is your mom and you only get one
Sheesh! I'm just sitting here trying to imagine what in the world could prompt me to tell my own son he's "the worst son, ever". Babyraping, maybe. Serial killer, perhaps. Arranging with me for hotel accomidations for my visit? Not even on the same continent as the list, much less on the list itself. Some things are just unexcusedly hurtful.... or just maliciously manipulative. Worst daughter ever, indeed.
Our family is spread out all over. We stay with family, or we get a hotel, depending on space and personal inclination. Some family piles in seamlessly. Others, we need space from & vice versa.
I'm soooooo sorry your mother said something so very hurtful to you. Esp for merely trying to come up with an arrangement that would serve everyone's happiness best. Heaven forbid.
ROFL...DID you by any chance mention the dogs and cats on the beds? If not, whip that card out post haste.
My Mom prefers staying at a hotel and when we visit her we stay at a hotel, too.
Everyone has their own space that way for when ever we need a bit of quiet, we like the hotel's pool and there's no arguing over what to watch on tv while settling down for the evening.
It's not a big deal and everyone's happy.
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be and I'm guessing your Mom is choosing to be unhappy.
I read everyone's responses and I must admit I'm seriously shocked. Like, seriously! You "suggested" to your mom that she would be MORE COMFORTABLE in a hotel, which she would be. I think she's "the worst mom ever" to make you feel weird about your own home (dogs, cats, she can't touch the furniture because they may have, not happy with the sleeping arrangement?)---whatever. And then to yell at you and make you feel bad for trying to figure out another option? She sounds like someone I wouldn't want to bother with, but then she's not my mom.
Seriously, my mom came out for the birth of our first son, but we had a very small place and the baby was coming early (meaning he had to stay in nicu and things were already stressful enough): I suppose the difference was that we got her the place and paid for it. When my second son was about to be born, dad called to say he was coming with his wife and kid. I said, "Sorry, but you can come if you want and I'd be happy to see you, but I don't want the stress of your family coming, especially since mom will be here too". He said "Oh, well I'll just bring __ (his daughter)" and I said "No, it's not good for the infant to have children around that aren't in his household because he could get sick. You say yourself that you get sick all the time now that she's in school". Dad came and stayed in a hotel since mom was already at my house, and we offered to pay for his hotel but he said no (he has money, but we still offered). We stay at a hotel many times when we visit people, our own choice. (Namely because we want things to be "just so" when we're going to bed, and the only polite way to do it is to pay for it somewhere, lol). If you want, you can call and say "Sorry I offended you, I was just trying to make sure you were comfortable because you seemed upset or uncomfortable last time....and it kinda made me feel bad that you weren't able to relax. Will you be coming?" and that's about all I'd say, frankly. You don't need to kiss up to her. She was behaving badly by refusing to sit on your furniture (that's freaking RUDE) and she was behaving badly by flipping out when you tried to correct the situation this time. If she has a problem with your home (OR not being able to manipulate you), she can skip the visit altogether; her choice.