I have a 15 year old daughter that really doesn't have a lot of friends. I worry sometimes that when me and my husband die she is going to stay all alone. She does have family but unfortunately we are distant.
Our son was/is never lonely.
He has lots of college friends and he’ll be starting a great job after completing his Masters degree this spring.
He target shoots archery and belongs to his schools Orbital Launch group.
He was in band in high school and is a 4th don black belt in taekwondo.
Having a sibling is no guarantee of lifelong friendship or togetherness.
My sister and I have never gotten along our whole lives.
We can’t stand to live in the same state with each other.
People move all over.
And even large families eventually die off leaving usually the youngest to go last.
My mom’s cousin is the youngest of her 4 siblings - they have all passed away - she’s 82 and the last left of her family.
Her nephews live in other states.
Don’t project your worries onto your daughter.
She will be fine.
My husband had a pretty small family due to early deaths and a dispute over a will that divided people further. He has two children from his first marriage, but they have troubled marriages (one has gone through financial and emotional abuse but has stayed married, the other had a decades-long relationship with a criminal who did 18 years in maximum security and beat the hell out of her). My husband and I have one son together. He sometimes asked for a sibling, but that wasn’t going to happen. We lived in a busy neighborhood with lots of kids his age. On vacations, he always had to find other kids to play with, and he did. He joined the track team in high school and again in college, and built great friendships through those teammates. He went to Hebrew school and made friends through temple activities as well as summer camp. We had others around our holiday table - others with small families or fractured families, or with people far away. My brother lives 3000 miles away and we have been estranged a lot. We’re on a more even keel now but we’re not really close.
Family is what you make it. My son has created a great network of friends and has married a woman with a fair number of relatives. He has his own friends, his wife has many friends from elementary school through college, and they have many friends in common. They have chosen wisely, and have friends who have willingly and happily accepted the spouse. We all now live in the same area. When my husband and I die or go into a memory care unit, he will have support from any number of places.
There’s no magic about “blood relatives” vs. anyone else in your circle. My question for you is, are your daughters few friends of good quality, meaning they prioritize friendships and add value to her life? It’s not the quantity that matters - it’s the quality. Is your daughter acting lonely, or is she in activities through school, neighborhood, or community? Does she do things for others (collect for the food pantry, volunteer at an animal shelter, help out at town-run summer or vacation camps)? Or is she sitting in her room, moping and playing video games. One is healthy, the other is not. Does she have goals? Is she keeping up with her school work and either thinking about college or hoping to find a decent job?
Long story short: your daughter will do better in life, in her teens and twenties but also in her sixties, if you imbue her with a strong sense of self. A good self image and the strength of character to navigate a world that isn’t always supportive of women will be the best tools you can help her develop. Will she continue to choose good people in her life, whether it’s in her friends or in a partner/spouse? Or will she think so little of herself that she takes attention, any kind of attention, from a negative or abusive person who takes advantage of her? These are key years now, so make sure she’s growing into adulthood with confidence. Yes, teen years can have ups and downs, and that’s normal, but is she doing well or does she need help from a professional to solidify her sense of self?
Worrying about whether she’ll be able to handle life when you’re older or gone is wasted energy, because you’re not likely to have another child now. Even if you did, their age difference would be so great that they wouldn’t likely be close friends. I’d look at your years together with her as building a strong sense of family that she will be able to duplicate in her adult years with the family she chooses to build for herself. Don’t let these worries you have infect her and make her feel there’s something missing from her life. There isn’t.
There are many families where siblings and extended family are close, and many where they are not. When I was 15, my sibling was much older than I was and already out of the house for years. I also wasn’t someone with a lot of friends at that age. I had a few, and was content, but really connected with more people in college and later, work.
When you say your daughter doesn’t have a lot of friends, I wonder if she has any. Even if she just has one or two, she should be fine. If she is not worried, I don’t think you need to worry. Enjoy your time with her. I was very close with my parents during those years, and I’m grateful for that.
If she is worried, and feels isolated, help her think about ways to explore her interests in a way that will lead to connecting with more people. What does she like to do? What are her goals? She’s only 15, so her goals will probably change over time, but help her start to think about them if she isn’t already.
My parents died when I was fairly young, which saddens me, but I have never been alone. I have my husband, our children, and many friends.
B’s advice “Don’t project your worries onto your daughter.” is really key here.
Having a lot of friends doesn’t equate with happiness - everyone is different. Even having one ‘true’ friend can mean more to a person than a bunch of acquaintances. And true just means being able to be yourself, and accepted for that.
At that age, I think it’s more important to even just have a friend that lifts you up and isn’t critical or demeaning. Someone you can just be yourself around. Even if it’s someone just to chat with, share ideas with, hang out with occasionally. It doesn’t even have to be that often. Times have changed. I don’t think a lot of kids hang out that much - especially after Covid.
A lot of kids are really tied up with sports, etc. which leaves some introverts without friends to spend time with at this age. It’s an awkward age. Soon kids get part time jobs and busy. We found this time a bit awkward. It’s between kids being heavily into things (sometimes parent driven) and busy with after school jobs and busy with school work. It’s just a transition time really.
Worrying about when you die is kind of morbid isn’t it? That sounds like you have some anxiety or something. Maybe talk to a therapist so you don’t, as B suggests, put that on your child inadvertently. She’s likely fine.
I come from a large family and today, am very close with one sibling. That’s the one I relate to at THIS stage in life. It changes over time. The one I was close to as a kid, we have very little in common with now in middle age. So siblings are just people you grew up with - shared rooms with, etc. It’s what you make of it too - and where you live, etc. I mean, yes, you have that common experience of family and childhood - but it does not guarantee you will be close later on. Sometimes you only see them now and then.
My husband - not at all close with his family. I consider my closest girl friends sisters though. My sister - she and her husband could not be closer. They don’t have very close friends. They are enough for each other. I don’t think there’s a one-situation fits all. It’s so personal.
As long as your daughter is ‘ok’ (and teens I find are not always happy and that’s ok, and they do spend time alone, and I think some of that is totally healthy) I would not worry. I have introverts and also a real extrovert. I had to learn each were ok.
We had a neighbor who had an only child and seriously, was going to get a foster child just to have a sibling for her kid. No interest really in fostering children, but was that anxious. Anxiety is something to get ahold of. It can really make you worry unnecessarily.
Most of my friends (and think about yours) are closer to their friends and spouses than they are to their siblings. I am sure things will be ok.
What I’m curious to know is, has SHE ever expressed the fact that she feels lonely for being an only child, or are you just assuming she is? Some kids don’t like overstimulation or noise (which is what a baby represents), and having a small group of friends or just 1, is good enough for them. My daughter is an only child and she is fine, she talked about wanting a sibling when she was like 6 or 7, until she’d see what a pain it was for friends to have to drag their sibling around, even when the sibling was obnoxious, because the parents felt it was the right thing to do, to include both siblings in an activity. She expressed long ago that she likes being an only child and having all the attention fall on her and does not want to share it with anyone.
Why are you assuming she will be alone when you both die? She might have a relationship by then, maybe even have kids with this person, so she won’t be alone in this world. Maybe she ends up having a great social life, or maybe she’s very independent and self-reliant and her world won’t end when you both die because she is comfortable being alone and has plenty of hobbies. Maybe a pet keeping her company for some time is all she needs at the time – our needs may shift over time. As the saying goes, “we enter the world alone, we leave the world alone.” Our happiness should not depend on having a sibling or anyone else by our side. No one knows what the future holds anyway, and I don’t mean to sound morbid, but parents sometimes DO outlive their kids.
I agree with Diane B. about the age difference thing. I have half-siblings who are about 20-30 years older than me and I have no relationship with them, we just have nothing in common. They come from a completely different generation. They are old enough to be my parents! It would be impractical for you to start all over again and have another child to raise, who will be 15 years younger than your other child and probably have nothing in common.
My sister is 8 years older than me and we clash a lot. When she was a kid, she always said she wanted a sister, then when I was born, I was an “annoying brat that got all the attention” and she’d try to get rid of me when I tried playing with her and her friends, she’d even throw the angry cat at me and laugh as it’d scratch me. My mom is always saying we “MUST” get along and “MUST” love each other because we’re blood-related, but like B said, sometimes you just don’t get along and even with age, that does not change and in my opinion, a relationship of any kind should not be forced, it should come naturally. I also agree with her comment about not projecting your worries onto your daughter.
My suggestion: If you really feel you need to bring a “sibling” into your household for your daughter to be happy, why not find a kid in your community that perhaps has very busy parents and invite the kid to your home for her to have a little friend to hang out with? It might also help with any mothering needs you may be feeling, if you have another child you can dote on. Maybe there’s a kid in her school who is underprivileged and would love to have a second family that can give him love, attention, and take him out to a meal every now and then. We had a neighbor whose kid was in sports and he’d sometimes bring this football player home with him on the bus. His mom was working 3 jobs, the dad was in jail, and he’d call this family his “adoptive second family.” His mother was happy to have a family watching over her son so she wouldn’t worry about him getting into drugs or some other bad activities due to sitting at home for hours. She was also happy he had healthy meals because most times, all she had time for was junk food or canned goods, and that the family made the kids do homework together so his grades were able to improve.
Not until recent years did I understand this concern. I come from a big family (Mormon) and so does my husband (Catholic) so not having family was just never something we thought about (except when we want to get away from ours.)
But I think it’s a good thing to consider. It looks as if we’re only going to have the one grandchild. My older and his wife are probably not having any more, my younger and his have decided to stick to furbabies due to concern about the planet and the world at large. While I’m sad about it, wanting a houseful of grands, I understand their pov. My granddaughter does have a big extended family (cousins and second cousins) with whom she’ll probably grow up close, and her other grandparents are well off and she is unlikely to find herself destitute.
Your daughter doesn’t need a huge social circle or to try to find distant relatives with whom she might click, but it’s probably a good idea to help her to start now in getting support structures in place. It doesn’t have to be anything huge- she’s young yet so shouldn’t get locked into a particular location, work environment or financial plan. But she might want to start thinking about what sorts of networks she might like to create going forward to ensure that there’s always someone to call if there’s a nasty turn of events that might need support.
That could be as easy as volunteering for something that she loves, say animal rescue or disaster relief or affordable housing creation or a garden club. Networking is a skill that can be learned. Even if she doesn’t have a slew of besties, knowing people who know other people is how most of us find the people we need.
Khairete
Suz