Hi! My husband and I have always had great communication. We truly are best friends . .. or are we? We often talk about couples we know and why they have problems etc. We have a friend who's husband takes frequent 2-4 day "guys trips" to Vegas, Arizona (golf), and even Cancun. We have always said that doing that is wrong for us. He said that guys that don't like their wives do that. He also said that is he were ever to go somewhere really fun, he would want me there to enjoy it with him. Also, spending huge amount of money on only oneself is wrong. Not to mention the whole-leave the wife home to deal with the kids while I play scenario. Well, now things have somehow changed for him. While I am showering, he comes in yesterday and says he's been invited to go golfing somewhere just outside of Las Vegas in May. I freaked out and mentioned how he goes on business trips all the time and has plenty of fun guy nights on these trips (his friends are all people he works with.) I mentioned our previous conversations about "guys weekends away" and he ignored it and countered with the fact that if I wanted to go somewhere with "Jill" (my very straight laced best girlfriend, he would never say no. What do you think moms? Is it okay? Am I just being controlling or jealous that I wasn't invited? He doesn't ever plan anything for us-I do all that . . .Basically, what are your opinions on husbands going away for a "guys weekend"?
Others may feel differently, but personally I think it's wrong. Well . . . I guess it just really comes down to what works for you two as a couple. Like you and your husband, me and my husband have had many conversations about this topic (it comes up often because our neighbors seem to go everywhere apart). And we agree that we would want to share that time together. I don't know about you, but we don't have tons of money to take a bunch of trips - and if my husband is going to Cancun, you can best believe I'm going too (smile). Our rule of thumb is that we try to take two trips per year . . . we have one family vacation, and then one vacation with just the two of us. It's just what works for us. I'm sure there are tons of couples who take separate trips and it doesn't have a negative effect on their relationship. In fact they may feel that's what helps to keep their relationships going. But for us, if there's time and money to have a 2 or 3 day get-a-way (in addition to our "normal" vacations) we choose to spend that time together. And it's worked for 15 years.
Good luck!
Lynn
I do think its a personal choice. My husband and I have done small little trips with our friends without the other.
I feel that my husband is my best friend and that there is nothing wrong with a weekend away with the girls (for me) or guys (for him). There is not a trust issue at all for us.
This past weekend, my husband went to Atlanta for his college homecoming. I didn't want to go. I stayed home with the kids. In a couple of months, I am going to Madison to meet with one of my girlfriends for a girls weekend without husbands or kids.
I am not so sure how I would feel about a Cancun trip with the guys (because I would want to do that too!).
I think (for us), it is important to be able to see our friends together as a couple and individually. Its fun and while I miss my husband when I am gone, its nice to be with my friends and get a break from being "mommy" every once in a while. I think its healthy. It has worked for us for 12 years.
I do know that it doesn't work for some couples. I have some friends who have told me that they would never let their husbands do the things that my husband does. I don't get it, but I also don't judge.
I hope you two are able to come to a decision that works best for you both.
Beth
I actually think they are healthy and wonderful. I do "girls weekends" once a year with my best friend from high school. She lives in TX, and this is the only time we get to see each other. John stays home with Perrin, and they have a total guy weekend here, eating chips, watching cartoons, and loafing. It's great for both of us. We also do a family vacation every year, even if it's just my husband taking a few days off work and hanging out with us at home. My husband is still my best friend, but I think it's also important to have strong friendships. He has gone to TX without me to see old friends, and our marriage is very happy and secure. I do think it's a personal choice, and I'm sure you'll get a lot of different answers, but as long as your marriage is solid (and it sounds like it is) I see nothing wrong with letting him go.
I think it is fine if it is fair, meaning the wife gets a girl's weekend if he gets a guy's weekend. My husband has taken a baseball trip with his college buddies since college, they live all over the country now, so this is often the only time they get to see each other. They go to a different ballpark each year and usually spend a 3-day weekend seeing a couple games. This has been an important weekend for him for years, I was not going to let marriage or fatherhood keep him from maintaining close ties with his friends and having a little fun too, even if it is without me. I am willing to sacrifice 3 days a year for his enjoyment/happiness. I know and like all of his friends, so that might make a difference in how you feel about it. If this was frequent, or he was heading off to exotic vacation destinations, I might have to curb things, but that is not the case for us. I hope you can find a decision about this that you are both comfortable/happy with.
~Sarah
I would have no problem if my husband took a weekend to take a guys' only trip. He would have no problem if I took a girls' only trip. I think BOTH partners deserve a break from 'reality' every once in a while, with the chance to just hang out with the guys or the girls.
Every summer I take a trip by myself to visit my friends from high school/college. It is AWESOME! I just get to hang out with the girls, talk our 'chick talk', do our 'girl thing', and just kind of escape for a few days. When it is time to go home, I'm so ready to be back with my family but I feel so refreshed, renewed and invigorated. It's a fantastic mental health booster. Basically it consists of a lot of card playing, meal eating, and wine drinking. AKA, harmless.
My husband has yet to take a 'guy trip', but if he wanted to I would be totally supportive (barring the two exceptions listed below). Quite honestly, I think he also looks forward to me leaving for my girl trip because that means he gets the house to himself and can do whatever he wants in peace and quiet, after the kid goes to bed of course.
Once you get married or are in a long-term relationship it is really easy to become 'enmeshed' with your partner, meaning that your identities start to merge and everything you do revolves around the partner. I don't think that's especially healthy, and it is very important that although partners have a lot in common they also make sure they take time by themselves to continue their hobbies or interests.
Only two things would bother me about the weekend:
1. If, financially things were really tight, but he still insisted on going anyway
2. Or if you suspected that 'naughty' was going to happen.
I think it is great. Separation helps the heart grow fonder or whatever that saying is. Sometimes they just need to get away from everything to recharge. I understand because I feel the same way and love to just go on 'girls weekends'. We've gone to New Orleans, Mexico. I love my family and spending time with them and alone with my husband. I also like some only girl time. I know you are concerned because of what you discussed before and know you think that he is feeling like that. Did you have kids when you had this discussion? Or did you have it when you only had one child? Kids change a lot of stuff. It's not that they don't want to be with family they just also need some time with the boys. When he does go be sure to have a girls weekend planned soon.
Hi,
I agree with the posts stating it's ok. My husband and I both take trips with our friends - It makes us appreciate each other more, gives us both freedom to have some time without family responsibility and allows our kids to know mommy and daddy have a life outside of just our role with them...all healthy things if you ask me. My 14 year old neice recently said to me, "I know why you and Uncle Paul are so happy together - you have a lot of fun together but you guys also spend time with your friends - I was suprised she realized the value of that!
I would wish him a fond farewell and start making plans for a girls trip tomorrow!
Good luck,
Nina
My husband and his friends will have a "guys" weekend once a year. I have no problem because I love girls weekends. I agree with you on the money issue. The cost should be reasonable, or if not, that money can go to a nice trip for the both of you or for your family trip.
alright here is the story.. and it may contradict itself... Since my husband and I started dating, he has been going on week long (that's right, week long) fishing trips with his buddies. I am o.k. with this, because it is fishing, not some luxury vacation, that he should be attending with me. I sorta think that he does deserve to go on these trips... He works very long and hard days in a factory so that i can stay at home... Now if he were to spring up the golf trip when I was in the shower... sister sister.. hell no!!!! Can you go along.. and maybe shop or sight see while he is off golfing.. do you know the other men and their wives could you form some kind coup. Come on we are talking Vegas here.... stand your ground.. there are plenty of golf courses here in Il. that are great eg.. Cog Hill
good luck
My husband has gone to Vegas a few times with his friends without me. He also goes on hunting and fishing weekends throughout the year. I don't mind one bit! He comes home happy and relaxed, and although I've been home with our son, I plan fun things for he and I to do. Maybe he will spend the night at someone's house one night while I have a "girls night" and the next night I'll have all the kids over at my house so those moms can go out. I think it is good for him to go away. I know he misses the carefree bachelor life, but he loves being a husband and a dad. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!
Sometimes, people need a break from life and it is easier knowing that someone is home taking care of things. For him to go on this golf trip is easy. Someone invited him and things were already planned... he was just another person tossed into a ready made vacation. I think that you should go somewhere one day too. I have been with my husband for 13 years and only once have we both taken vacations without each other. I think it was very healthy. don't give him a guilt trip and let him go and enjoy himself. This is not saying that your marriage is on the rocks. I am sure it is a good as anyone elses. Just let him go and don't give him guilties. You will regret it. Also, do not look at it as he is getting to do something fun and you are home working. You can plan something fun and have him be with the kids. Just because you have straight laced friends does not mean you cannot enjoy some free time away. Plan something with girlfriends now for next year. Last year, my friend and I went to southern Illinois to go on ghost tours and shopping. It was only a weekend, but it was nice. And, I really missed my husband and being away from him made me realize how much I loved him.
Relax Momma, this is healthy!
I would say that while I agree with you that it is strange that he is having a little change of heart about the need/want for guys trips now, it also is generally very harmless and needed for a relationship. My husband has gone on guys trips, usually revolving around a sporting event (Bears/Sox/Hawks games wherever they are out of town, etc.) and I have no problem with it. I get a little jealous that I'm not away also (I love sports as well), but I have my time to go out also without him. I think it's very healthy to get away from everyone for a little while, for both of us. I wouldn't have too much fun with them, I am probably the only wife who really loves sports. It has to be a give and take and I would hope that he would have no problem with you having a girls weekend with any friend of your choosing, not just the "straight laced" one! I would have a calm non-accusing chat with him and explain that while you aren't trying to be controlling and want him to enjoy time away, you are just confused about the change of heart about wanting these types of trips after all he has said about them in the past. Ask for some reassurance about why he wants to go and start making plans for your own!
My husband is like yours where he usually won't go out unless Im invited, because he "has more fun if Im there". I however would love more girls only nights out. Recently my hubby and some buddies were talking about yearly trip to Cabo for deep sea fishing. For that I said, "Great!! and the wives will stay at the resort all day in the spa or at the pool." The other husbands were not so keen on the idea, but now everyone is warmed up to it, and we're planning it for this year. However, the reason I was sucessful with this, is because these guys do 2 weekend trips a year by themselves. They never go anywhere I want to, and Cabo is the only exciting destination I've heard of. I never complain about his weekends away, and shoo him out as often as he'll let me for "Guys night out's" (though he gets them more than he realizes because I go to Colorado to visit family with the kids 4 times a year and he has 7 days to himself) I rarely take girls nights, but that is because none of my girlfriends and I can coordinate schedules. Everyone else works, and has different hours. I haven't even seen one of my best friends in months. He does however send me to NYC to stay with my girlfriends once a year, and hands me a cleared credit card for the trip, which I am supposed to max out on myself (low limit mind you). I spend the most minimal amount of money on myself throughout the year. No waxing, nails, hair, clothes, shoes, jewelry nothing other than my NY trip every year.
This is ME time. I love it! I also kind of love it when my hubby is away with the guys because the kids and I have fun on our own. There's no break in the day where dad comes home, and everyone falls apart. I think it's kind of nice too, because it's a temporary deal, and kind of a vacation for the kids and I too. We miss him, and he misses us. When he gets home, everyone is happy and relaxed.
Let him go. You may be surprised by how nice it is, and how much fun it can be to miss him.
I cannot speak from my own experience but I can tell you that quite a few of the guys I work with go on hunting or fishing trips together once or twice a year. The last two years they have even gone up to Canada to go bear hunting.
Basically, it has to be what you feel comfortable with and what is right for your relationship. I do agree that you need to sit down and have a heart to heart and explain what you are feeling and why. Let him tell you his point of view as well. Maybe you could even tag along as one other mom suggested. I know I would want to go to Las Vegas if my S.O. was going. Heck, invite a girlfriend and you two could have fun during the day and maybe hook up with hubby in the evenings.
I have no experience with this myself, my hubby usually stays local for his times out with the guys, like sporting events and such. While I feel it is so very important for each partner to have friends and get out with them, we have seen that most of our friends marriages that are in trouble, got that way when they started living independently of each other. The husband taking hunting trips, golfing trips, long weekends in Vegas. The wife going to Florida with the kids, etc... I know it can also be harmless. If you are very secure in your relationship, then I would not worry. If this type of thing, where you are doing things independent of each other, starts to become a habit, I would nip it in the bud. :)
My husband is a hunter/fisherman. So he is gone alot of the weekends come fall/winter and a few in the summer. I don't mind him leaving. Yes, it can be tiring dealing with the kids all by myself the whole weekend, but when I put them to bed, I can do what I want. I can eat something good and pop in a movie or tv show that I want to watch and enjoy the peace and quiet. I also take a few girls trips with either my sis and mom, or I will go to Arizona to visit my friends that live there. I enjoy getting away from the kids and hubby once in a while, so I don't give him too much sh@t when he leaves. It is all about what you prefer and what works for your family. I have friends that never leave the kids or always do everything together as a family. For me, getting a break is much needed and appreciated.
The only time my husband has ever gone away without me was with a few guys to Vegas for the weekend. They all turned 40 that year and were planning the trip for a year or so prior. These were friends he has had since grade school and high school and I know all of them. I am glad he had the opportunity to do that. He works very hard.
Would he go out regularly for guys weekends? No...he would rather spend the time with me. He rarely has a guys night out and when he does it is totally harmless. These are his choices. He would prefer to be with the family on his time off.
Would I like it if he were to have weekends out regularly? Not at all. We both work hard and deserve time away from the kids. But our lifestyle is comfortable for us. There is no arguing about whether or not he is going anywhere with the guys. If the opportunity presents itself occassionaly, and for my husband it would be a hunting or fishing weekend, I would not have a problem with it. But to have him go off to Vegas, Cancun, etc...I would have issues with that.
Cheri T.
I encourage all my friends and newly marrieds to find time for themselves,away, and to encourage the spouse to do the same. We are married, not joined at the hip. It is important to allow people to enjoy special interests on their own (or get one). My husband and I (24years) frequently take separate trips. Of course we set "hedges" to protect our marriage ahead of time and communicate openly. But, to truly be best friends we allow each other to be who we are, not just who we want the other person to be. Time apart, time together, time all as a family. Balance this and enjoy life!! Trust is crucial. Set the guidelines, talk candidly, know the limits. Start planning your next get-away now!! :)
I have done Mission trips w/ others, including my mom, and been out of contact for 12 days. That was the hardest, but most rewarding. Hubby goes on two week health/renewal trips. it is what works for YOU. Start small....debrief after talking about what worked and didn't. It is healthy to not become completely dependent on a spouse. We all need to grow!
I would like to add that even events at home can be done separately. My hub doesn't care for big social; I thrive on them. I go "alone" but with a friend, (a male classmate from kindergarten), who is "safe". He and his wife are in the same situation. We all love one another and respect the differences. This friend and I have always only been friends, so a brother. Works for all of us. Let's me have fun and "feed" myself in a healthy way while not forcing my hubby to endure a painful event. (No class reunions for him!) He can relax at home (or the bookstore!) knowing that I am safe w/ a "protector" having a enjoyable time. Again, do what works for you and your spouse. Try and try again until you strike a balance. Change can be good. :)
I always encourage my husband to get out with the guys....he should do it more, but doesn't