So we have together a 9 year old boy and a 9 year old daughter. Both just recently just turned 9. So we have sort of talked with them, but not directly about "sex". So, at what age do you have the actual "sex" talk? My parents never gave me any info at all, so I learned what I did from school "talk" and friends. Not something I want for my kids. I want them to be able to know they can talk/ask us anything, even about the dreaded word "sex". I know kids are doing things at early age, that at school they can hear stuff and be curious. So help me out please. I done want to have the talk after they have already experimented, I want to be ahead of the game, give them accurate and correct information. So what age do we do the whole in depth sex talk? How did you all do it? Books? Anything. I don't want it to be "weird" when we talk so that way they feel comfortable and hopefully will leave door open when they have questions later. I am asking this now, I have been meaning to ask this question for while, but I was watching "The Doctors" just now and they were talking about how the biggest number right now for HIV is 13 to 24 year olds, WAY SCARY! Hence the reason I think its very important to give our kids info and real facts. Thanks for any info.
Edit: We have talked to them about body changes somewhat, inappropriate touching, personal boundaries, a little about dating, but nothing in depth about sex.
I think 9 is a great age to have the talk, personally. My daughter is turning 8 in May and it was so funny, the other day we started venturing in that direction, and then she smiled and yelled, “I don’t want to hear about all the teenage puberty stuff yet, mom!” And she put her hands over her ears and laughed 
I cracked up. But I purchased the American Girl Care and Keeping of You and have it ready for whenever she’s ready. If she hasn’t asked again by age 9, that’s probably when we’ll start beginning the more detailed conversations.
ETA: We already have a body book and how babies are made (very simplistic) and we’ve already read those. Of course, they are very age-appropriate and don’t cover the more mature aspects of sex just yet.
You don’t have “the talk.” You have a series of talks. Discussions that start at the age where they realize that they have “private parts,” and continue throughout their childhood and into young adulthood.
I really DON’T recommend having an “in-depth sex talk” all at once. OMG, no. There are certain things that should have already been discussed. Personal boundaries. Appropriate touch. Where babies come from. The correct names for body parts. Relationships (friends, dating, engaged, married) and the approriate behavior in each. There are a lot of conversations there.
I do suggest providing reading material. Be sure you read it first. I had picked up one book that mentioned a few things I didn’t think were appropriate for my family, so I removed those pages. Don’t just assume that you’ll agree with the content just because it’s targeted at your kids’ age group.
There are lots of books out there for kids. I picked up “The Boy’s Body Book” for my boys at about age 8-9, which has a lot of good information in it. They also have another published for girls. They are both very age appropriate without being silly or cartoonish, and I didn’t have to rip out any pages. I let them read it and then we address questions over time. We’re still addressing questions. Don’t feel like you have to dump it all on them at once, please. It’s much easier to learn over time.
ETA: Also, don’t believe all the crap on “The Doctors.” Like “Dr. Oz,” much of their show tends to be a shill for every quack and crackpot miracle cure out there. And if they aren’t touting a miracle cure, they’re talking about “The Secret Dangers of ________,” or some such nonsense. They do it for ratings.
As a medic who deals with doctors every single day, I and most of the folks in my field find “The Doctors” and “Dr. Oz” to be a PITA (Pain In The A_ _). I’ve lost count of the amount of patients who come in with some set of symptoms because they heard of it on “The Doctors” or read it on WebMD and freaked out.
Sorry for the little rant there.
First, I think it’s great that you want to keep your kids educated and informed.
Usually, I would say “whenever they start to ask specific-enough questions”.For us, that was my son. He’s five and about four or five months ago, he just kept asking questions regarding reproduction which led to what most people consider ‘The talk’.
Here’s the thing: it’s not just one talk, it’s a series of conversations. Start small. The American Girl brand has “The Care and Keeping of You” which starts with puberty and self-care. There’s one for boys called “What’s Going on Down There” or “What’s Happening to my Body” which deal with male puberty issues.
In my opinion, once the kids have had those discussions/looked at the books, yes, have a talk about human reproduction. I look at this less as an ‘eew, sex’ issue and more of a self-care/health care issue, personally. There’s a book titled ‘It’s Perfectly Normal’ as well, which covers a lot more, including puberty, sex, and a LOT of information the kids might find a bit daunting now, but will be helpful in the coming years. You could choose to read ‘up to’ a part of the book and then either put it away or leave it for them to peruse. This book does talk about health issues, love, relationships and does have some pretty overt (not graphic) illustrations, so do your own picking and choosing.
The one thing I would encourage, again, is to keep the lines of communication and keep that door open for them to approach you. Some stuff, they are going to want to talk more than once to process it. Some stuff, they aren’t likely going to want to discuss at all. I’d also keep the tone pretty light, let dad lead with your son if possible, but don’t end it at one conversation.
FWIW: when my son asked me “how does the sperm get to the egg?”, then I did explain that whole “penis goes into the vagina” thing. And when he took a moment, took another bite of scrambled eggs, and then asked “do you and Daddy do that?” I answered honestly: “Sometimes, and it’s a private thing”. All that to say, if they can ask the question, they are ready for the answer. And I’ve been clear with him that just like I told him about this, that other parents want to be the one to tell their kids too–he doesn’t need to tell his friends about it. Their moms and dad will. “Besides, they’ll just think it’s boring, sweetie. You have plenty of other things to talk about.”
I would start with The Care and Keeping of You for your DD (and some equivalent for boys for your son) and go from there. It’s not just one talk, it’s many. It’s answering questions, finding teachable moments, saying, “So why do you really want a boyfriend?” It’s keeping an open door, even if you are mad, and it’s encouraging them to have good friends and other activities and not go looking for love in the wrong places. Find out also what they are learning in school from Health Class and when you can follow up on that information.
Keep things age appropriate. When my 4 yr old asked how babies grow, she wasn’t asking about sex. She was asking how babies get into bellies. So I cobbled together something about sperm and eggs in very very simple terms. She went “Huh. OK” and that was it.
There is a Children’s Hospital close by (well, 1/2 hour into the city, but close enough!) that has sex education for the kids AND the parents. I believe it’s 2 days all day. They cover EVERYTHING.
We are signing up for that this summer. My boys will be almost 11 and 8.
We have already had a very basic talk about what sex is, how it happens, sperm, eggs, and being with the one you love. But I have heard great things about this class at Children’s and I want to cover it ALL.
Like you, I would like them to learn from us.
Laura
We “talked” from toddler age on up, consistantly. We addressed body parts, changes, etc.
There was never “a talk” because it has been ongoing (age appropriate of course) from a very young age. One thing I wanted to make sure of was that my daughter felt comfortable enough to ask me ANYTHING. I much prefer to answer her questions with facts vs relying on her to learn from friends, etc who don’t have all the facts.
If you are not comfortable talking to your child or embarrassed… then do it when you are driving, talking a walk, etc.
The last thing you want is for them to hear from sources that are not credible.
Good luck! They grow up WAY too fast.
We’ve talked since toddler years. My kids knew in kindergarten how a baby is made. Not the sexual part but the anatomy part (eggs and sperm) By 9 they knew about the rest. I would get a book and then discuss it with them. There are lots of children’s books that are good. I never wanted my kids to hear it from someone else and since we have always talked about this stuff, it is not awkward in the least.
No one can every actually answer this question. They all say “from early on we say age appropriate stuff about their body blah blah”. I am with you - when do you tell your child that sex is when a penis goes into a vagina? Not about puberty, baby stuff etc.. I want to know the answer to this too. My son is 9 and I don’t know if he is ready to hear that.
If you live in Chicago there’s no need to worry. The public schools just announced that they’re going to start teaching sex ed in kindergarten. Oh… but it will be “age appropriate”. Not kidding. Ridiculous.
I am a New Yorker…the sooner the better. It is scary, but you have to do it, especially in the world we live in. I introduced all touchy subjects (sex, drugs, abuse, etc) in small ways starting at 6 yrs old. By 9, all my kids had had a version of “the talk”. You must also take into consideration how mature they are. All my kids took well to all the touchy conversations.
There are age appropriate books about their bodies and the changes that occur. My particular favorite for my girls was The Period Book by Karen Gravelle. It is excellent and upfront. Has illustrated pictures, a geat read for mom and daughter. My son was very mature and handled all talks well and asked questions. Remember, as uncomfortable as it may be for you, do it…the more they know the better, as you would never want them to be unprepared in any situation.
Over 20 years ago a 9yo in my 3rd grade class got pregnant.
At 9, just last year, the kids in my sons school were experimenting with oral sex. (I’d HAD talks early & often with my son, but SILLY ME, didn’t get into blowjobs being part of sex. Head smack!)
Most 2nd & 3rd graders whisper about the ‘snake in the jungle’ & ‘the car in the garage’.
Nearly every kid in my sons 5th grade class has seen a porn flick at LEAST once (usually online, often in the bus or in daycare).
Point being… If you’re LUCKY… They may be clueless.
They probably aren’t.
ONE way…
“So what do you guys already know about sex?” & give candies for everything they know or think they know.
When we were in elementary school, in the spring of 3rd grade, we were instructed on the changes that we should be expecting in our bodies…
Remember there are quite a few girls that will get their periods in 4th grade.
That was also the first year they told us about how babies are made.
My mom had been talking about these things since the summer after second grade..
Then each year in the spring they would have a bit more information in the human anatomy studies and the Animal studies.
I think in some ways we have been having the talk since the very beginning. We started off with how special they are to us that they are a gift from God. We have told them that their bodies are special as well. We have spoken about how we treat something that is very special. I would never just put my most prized procession out for everyone to take and handle. I show them a few of our very special family heirlooms and then ask how often I bring those items out and would I ever let someone handle them carelessly. I then tell them that they are far more important than those items. I would want someone to be even more careful with my children. We talk about how we keep our bodies covered because they are so special and that we don’t just put it all out there for others because they are special. As their brothers and sisters have come to be we talk about those babies growing in my tummy and we all enjoy all the kicks and movements of those babies. We talk about how those babies were a part of Mommy and Daddy and that God joins us in the creation of those babies. There have been many discussions about how they grew out of a love that their father and I share. We answer all their questions honestly with only the details they ask for. We tell them that Momma’s have special parts and Daddies have special parts that help to make a baby. It just has grown out of this discussion as they have gotten older and seems to be a pretty natural progression. My sixteen year old has been more specific in her questions and I just honestly and openly answer all the questions she has.
Hey, as someone else said - you can never start too soon. I remember a boy in my Kindergarten class trying to “feel me up” on the school bus!
This is reminding me to have aNOTHER talk with my boys (7 and 11). My oldest really is clueless, and doesn’t seem to have any interest in sex, etc. but he has already been through “maturation” (spring of 5th grade), which is mostly about “puberty” and such - not sex. We’ve had several conversations over the years. My 7 yr old, on the other hand, is going to be a problem (or maybe he’s just “normal”). He has “played with himself” since he was a toddler. I still catch him with his hand down his pants now and then. All fine and dandy in the privacy of your own home (which is what I’ve told him), but I should probably be (or continue to be) more proactive. We also discuss the “stranger” aspect of our private parts - generally, in the same conversation.
I believe it is important to lay down the foundation of the “talk” early on beginning with good touch/bad touch. I had this “talk” with my children when they were 3-4 yrs old and continued with those type of talks through out until they got to the age where they could understand more. I have always called the body parts what they are: penis, vagina, breasts. No silly names for body parts because I believe that it instills shame and embarrassment…that the body part is too “bad” to call it what it really is. By doing this, you lay the foundation for correct terms, and also minimizes the embarrassment. Open dialogue is important. I do agree with the others who suggested asking your children what they know about sex. Ask them what they have heard so you can clarify or clear up any misunderstandings. I do agree that children know more than most parents care to realize. They hear about stuff from the other kids at school. And trust me, a lot of what they hear is so off base that you might find it laughable. Like my 10 year old thought kissing was sex because some girl told her so. As for introducing the sexual intercourse topic, you can explain how God made boys and girls very special, with very special parts that when they grow up and get married, they come together in a special way, in a private way, and how much or how little detail you share, that is up to you, depending on what your child(ren) have expressed to you. I think keeping it matter of factly is wise but at 9 yrs old, they are old enough to know what sexual intercourse is. I told my children that God made a man’s and woman’s body to fit together in a special way so that it feels good for them when they are married, and so that they can make a baby, if they want to. We are a Christian family so I emphasize the importance of a man and woman being married for such a special encounter but they know that some couples do this when they are not married, as evidenced by the young girls in our church who have gotten pregnant. I use those opportunities to point out that God does not condone pre-marital sex and that He allows consequences (pregnancy, STD’s) to happen for those who are disobedient. I have these books which I have used as a base for talking to my children.
http://www.christianbook.com/gods-design-for-sex-books-revised/stan-jones/pd/060130?event=CROSSBOX
“The Talk” is actually an ongoing series of talking that starts whenever your child first asks questions. It isn’t something you schedule on a to-do list or present like a seminar. Just make sure they know that they can ask anything at any time.
I incorporate the “talk” into everyday conversations. My nine year old got an earful about menstruation out of the blue, because I somehow steered the conversation that way..can’t even remember what we were talking about originally. In fact at the end of my diatribe, she asked, “how did we start talking about that?”. Then we were reading an animal fact book and got to a page about breeding. Easy to start discussing the similarities between humans at that point. She said, ew, when I got a tiny bit detailed, but at least she learned a bit. I’m learning to be up front with it now, so I’m hoping it’s not a giant talk all at once. That doesn’t sound like fun for anyone.