Any other husbands ignore Mothers Day?

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1

After 22 years of marriage, and 19 years of being a mom to our three daughters, I'm more or less used to it. But it still hurts. My husband does not acknowledge me AT ALL on Mothers Day. Because, "I'm not HIS mother." Even when the kids were too little and couldn't do anything for me themselves. Even though I help the kids get Dad something every year for Fathers Day. Even though I am the one who picks out the gift for HIS mother on Mothers Day. I have to tell him he could at least say "Happy Mothers Day" to me. I don't think there is a solution to this. I just wonder if I'm the only one in this situation.

My husband is an engineer, which is what explains his lack of emotional support I guess. He just doesn't "get" gift-giving. My birthday and Christmas presents also over the years have ranged from nothing at all, to a bag of socks, to cookie sheets. A few times, I've tried "retaliating" by minimizing attention to him on his birthday, Christmas, Fathers Day. But it hasn't made any difference, and it sets a bad example for the kids.

My kids have now started ignoring Mothers Day as well. Even though my kids are old enough (12, 15, and 19) to do something for me, I didn't get a gift or even a card, except for this: my 12 year old made me a card at 10 pm Sunday night. It said "Happy Mothers Day. I hope you like your new stuff. If it's edible, I want some."

Boy that just made my day...

2

Funny 12 yo! Cute.
Look, your hubby being an engineer might explain why he's insensitive but it doesn't excuse it.
He probably won't change and I'm sure as your children get older they will realize just what the day is all about.
If I were you, I would pick out & buy my own Mother's Day gift every year and let him know what he got you! Have some flowers delivered to yourself and make a big fuss over him--what can he say?
Personally, I wouldn't pick out his mother's gift either. He's a big boy (allegedly) so he can get a card and gift from now on.
That's just how I would handle it. Luckily my hubby knows better! :-)

3

My husband sounds like yours, I got day old flowers the day after Valentines Day and after thought flowers when my husband went to the liquor store for Mother's Day. I arranged the dinner for both our moms and flowers delivered for both of our moms, and even though the flowers he got me were nice, it's still the point that it was not planned, more of an "oops, better get something, or I'll hear about it forever" We've been together for 14 years and I'm sad to hear that after 22 yrs, it still doesn't get any better. I guess it could be worse!

4

Well, I understand your frustration. It's not right or fair that your husband isn't willing to acknowledge this special day for you. Also, it sounds like he has set a bad example for your children, and now they don't see the importance of it either.

Let me ask you this - Does your husband acknowledge your hard work and dedication in other ways throughout the year? If he's one of those men who is from the camp of "I don't need to acknowledge anniversaries/Valentine's Day/Mother's Day b/c I acknowledge what you do every day" then he may have a point. As long as that is really what he's doing. If he makes you feel appreciated and loved the rest of the year, then maybe it's not such a big deal.

Either way, you should talk to him (again) about your feelings. Let him know that it's important to YOU that he acknowledge it, not b/c it's his responsibility, or b/c you say so, but simply b/c it would make you happy, and if he wants you to be happy, that's what he needs to do.
Good luck
And "Happy Mother's Day"!

5

NO UR NOT ALONE......my husband just said happy mothers day to me, but since it was my first, i felt sad not recieving nothing!!! i thought he would atleast take me out to dinner and a movie, or make breakfast for me to eat in bed, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. i dont get mad i get even, for fathers day he'll recieve nothing just a H.F.D.!!!

6

Honey, I got 50 responses about my mothers day misery, so check out my previous post! I hope it makes you feel better... just know that you're not alone :)

7

Unfortunately, you are not alone! My husband has also been all over the board with his gift giving (or lack of) at holidays. We have a 2 year old son and I am 7 months pregnant with our second and he has never given me anything for Mother's Day! After crying to myself Sunday night and most of the day Monday (pregnancy hormones don't help) I finally confronted him Tuesday and told him how I felt. He said he is just not good at gift giving and his family has never really exchanged gifts (his parents always give money for birthdays and Christmas) and I am the one that always takes care of that. I bought the gifts for my mom and mother-in-law but drew the line at buying my own Mother's Day gift. Although I have to admit I have bought my own Christmas gifts before. My husband did not have a good role model of gift giving when he was growing up so I want our kids to see dad buying gifts for mom, even if I have to buy them myself. I made it very clear that as the father of two sons it is his responsibility to teach them how to treat women and eventually their future wife and kids definitely learn by example!

This probably doesn't help any, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone!!!!

8

I would talk to your kids and your husband about how it hurts you to feel so unappreciated. That you are not looking for gifts, but a "thank you for all you do" would be nice. Ask them how they would feel if you let their special day go by with no recognition. You deserve better.

9

Wow- my husband is also an engineer, so I totally get it. Our first Christmas as a couple he bought me all-weather mats for my car- he got tickets to the Lion King and a night in NYC. Hm... rationale... I had just bought a new car and he figured I would need the mats.

Here's what my thought process is on this one- I have stopped expecting elaborate or romantic gestures from my husband, but have started asking for one "big gift" that covers him for the year. This year, I asked for a treadmill, which he researched and figured out the best model for me and bought it. That way, I am not let down and he doesn't have to try and figure out something creative b/c he just doesn't think that way. Another year it was new light fixtures in our entrway or an on-system humidifier.

For Mother's Day, he does buy a card b/c one year he forgot (honestly) and I broke into tears and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day- it was my first Mother's Day. He buys a card and they all sign- including the cats.

I would suggest letting this go- are the gifts a big deal? What you are upset about is the fact that you feel unappreciated. I would sit down with them all and tell them just that. You are hurt and feel unappreciated. Let them know that you don't expect elaborate gifts, but a card on Mother's Day or your birthday would remind you that they don't take you for granted. They're old enough to "get" that- including your husband!

10

You're not alone. This was the first year my husband did anything notable for Mother's Day (got us tickets to Cirque du Soleil and arranged for the babysitter, so I was blown away). He's a computer consultant and isn't known for his gift-giving (one year he even forgot my birthday entirely). He just doesn't think these days are important. Others years, my Mother's Days have been strictly anything the kids made in school/daycare and maybe a breakfast with no heartfelt anything. The rest of the day would play out like normal. My favorite year was the one when our young son spit on me for not wiping his bottom fast enough. Nice. I honestly don't know what changed this year, although I did put my foot down to him working Mother's Day weekend, for the sake of his mom employee and me, so maybe that jarred something in him or his employee asked what he had planned.

I agree with the others in that you have to speak up. One thought is to start giving gift idea lists. My dad is an engineer, so I completely get what you're saying there. If my mom doesn't give him a list, he's clueless what to do. We do the lists out of necessity in our family, but they may help a lot in your case, too. Simply write out a list of things you'd like -- include web links, too, so it couldn't be easier -- and email or print it out and hand it to each of them. Emphasize, too, that it's not about the gift necessarily, so if they want to do something thoughtful for you like prepare a meal of your favorite foods, make a bouquet of flowers from the backyard with a thoughtful note, etc. that's fine, too. But let them know that when they do nothing, it says to you that they simply don't care about you and it's hurt you.

11

If it wasn't for me making sure my husband realized Mother's Day is a big deal to me by giving him an article I read, he may not have done anything either! He got me a card from him and our children (they are 2 and 4). He was raised not making a big deal out of birthdays, Christmas, etc., and I was raised just the opposite. I make sure he knows it is all a big deal. He definitely does not put up any kind of a fight with our kids birthdays. I plan the parties and he happily pays for them!!!
You definitely need to talk with your husband and your children. Let them know that you are hurt. I'm sure you have been a great mom and would like to be celebrated for that! Let them know that!!! All good moms deserve a special day!

12

I don't understand why women 2 weeks before ANY holidays don't just start saying out loud to everyone that listens: "hey, mother's day (bday, anniversary, Vday, xmas, etc) is coming soon and I'm expectings cards and presents!" Or whatever. It's honestly your own fault for leaving it up to them to do something. Then you are disappointed. I'm sorry that happened. I got diamond earings from my husband that matched the diamond necklace he gave me for Christmas! And the kids made me cards and gifts. Too cute. So I'm never disappointed because I make sure no one "forgets", that's just terrible! Anyway, good luck and I hope your next holiday is better!

13

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14

I went and visited a very good friend on Mother's Day. We gave her a card and wanted her to know how much we appreciated her. She not only has her own kids, but has always been there for my son when I was working or if he needed a ride somewhere.
She excused herself to go to the bathroom and her husband said, "I didn't get her anything. Not even a card. Should I feel bad?"
I said, "Ummm. Yes...I think you could at least have gotten her a card. Or made one."
He said, "I don't understand why though. She's not MY mother."
I said, "No...she isn't. She's not my mother either, but we remembered her. She IS the mother of your children. She's amazing. She holds your family together. Did your kids give her anything?"
He said no.
Their sons are 15 and 20 and live at home. Neither one of them even said Happy Mother's Day to her.
My son bought me a beautiful card and chocolate and saved enough money to take me to get one of our favorite sandwiches together.
My friend said, in front of her husband, "How did you raise such a thoughtful son by yourself? I'm beginning to think I was never hard enough on my kids. Not that your were hard on your son, but he respects and adores you. I've given my kids everything they ever wanted and they don't even think about it. They just expect it."
She loves her husband and her kids and she's not big on celebrations or anything like that. But, she has saved every card and every gift we've ever given her. When we go to her house, it's so cool...it's like..."Hey, we gave you that." She truly treasures things. I remind her husband every year about her birthday...their anniversary....otherwise he wouldn't remember. He loves her. He does 90% of the cooking. He does the grocery shopping and cleans house. Takes her car to make sure there's always gas in it. It's not like he isn't supportive. He's a SUPER nice guy, don't get me wrong, but the thought just never came up about Mother's Day until my son and I popped in.
Her kids didn't know Mother's Day from Arbor Day.
So, right or wrong, I'm guessing that they will grow up to be husbands that don't remember Mother's Day, for their mother or for their wives.
I have so many friends who don't get remembered on Mother's Day so I always remember them. I'm a mom and I know what it takes to give of yourself and love being a mom and work to make our kids the best they can be. Even if other people don't recognize them, I always do.
My step dad was not a gift giver but he sure loved his presents.
At Christmas, he had a pile of things to open but there was never anything from him.
He would always say, "All I ever get is a pair of socks and they never fit."
Which, was totally untrue. No one even gave him socks.
So one year...all he got was a pair of socks with a note...."Hope these fit."

The next year, he spent a little more time thinking about gifts and took me shopping to help get my mother some jewelry and things for everyone else.
Do you know he never wore those socks but hung them on the mirror of his dresser with the note that was attached? He remembered Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas.....

Since my kids were very little, I always had them sign cards that we sent out or delivered. Even if they just drew a happy face or a heart and their name. I raised my kids myself, and it's never too late to teach them to be in rememberance. Even if Dad isn't into it.
You're not the only one in this situation by any means and I'm just so thankful that my kids have never once forgotten me. Even if they couldn't buy anything, they made something or robbed roses from a neighhbor's yard. (With permission from the neighbor).
You can still teach your children to be thoughtful.
Since you are the one who brought up socks...maybe that's what you should give your husband for Father's Day. And his birthday. And for Christmas.
Seriously, if he's not into gifts, then come to an agreement that you won't get him any either.
As far as Mother's Day...find something you really want to do and do it. For yourself. Your kids are old enough to be left alone or with dad while you have a good time. Get a massage, a manicure, whatever...
Sometimes we have to give ourselves what we need if no one else thinks of it.

Hang in there. And Happy Belated Mother's Day from me.
:)

15

Congratulations, you have raised a bunch in ingrates. Now after 22 years, I would make plans to take myself out to a spa, a movie, a makeover, nice dinner....and don't bother to let anyone know where you are going.

If they don't get a clue, maybe you are living with the wrong family. If you have a job, I would think about renting a room somewhere or maybe a studio apartment.

Your only a doormatt if you allow people to walk on you.

Blessings....

PS....I would also make it a point to forget their special days/wants/needs. They are all old enough and big enough to feed themselves and do their own laundry.

16

OMG. I am so tired of this topic. It started before M's Day when a poster asked what you will do IF you get ignored. The excuse of your husband being an engineer doesn't fly with me. My husband is an engineer. I suppose he may think "I'm not his mother" ,too, but he APPRECIATES that I am his children's mother, and the bottom line is he knows it's important to ME so he is not disrespectful to me by ignoring it (and he knows it's important to me because I make a big fuss-- OUT LOUD, not just in my head or on a website, nor would I ever just silently suffer and try to passive aggressively retaliate and hope he gets the picture) Because that's what your husband is-- disrespectful. And he has taught your children to be disrespectful, too. And you have allowed it. Go buy yourself something really expensive and thank them all for it!

17

I started on the very first mother's day I had twelve years ago. I told my husband that while I am not HIS mother, I have EARNED this holiday and I wanted presents! He gets off easy on my birthday and Christmas (we'd rather spend the money on a great vacation or on our kids), but mother's day was mine! He hasn't failed me yet.

Every year, the kids give me cards and presents. My husband has always given me a gift that shows he appreciates me as the mother of his kids and as his wife. Father's day is just as important and I do the same for him.

By the way, he's an engineer...

Having said that, I think it's time for you to either vocalize your expectations or expect and accpet that this is the way it's going to be in your house. Nineteen years is a long time.

18

Make it a big deal! Last year, I was a new Mom of a 2 mo and I got nothing. I was so heart broken, and his excuse was...wait for it, "you aren't my Mom". SO WHAT!!! I am now a Mom and I deserve this day, especially since I was a nice preggo!! Well, I went out and bought myself some new things, then I voiced how much it bothered me, and this year he didn't forget. As for your children, they need to know that their behavior was rude and unexceptable.

19

To all the Moms who feel dissed on Mothers Day here is what you do:

Print out all the posts you got that really tell it like you feel. FRAME it. Give it to your spouse & children that are old enough to "know better" & give it to them on their birthdays or Fathers Day. Or better yet make a huge picture collage & hang it in the family room or on their bedroom doors.

By doing this I hope next Mothers Day there will be less posts about this subject :)

I personally prefer to take the bull by the horns & tell my husband I don't want any presents but what I do want is the house to myself for several hours & thats all I need/want.

20

Not to sound mean or anything, but my husband knows better! lol. I gave him his children! I take the kids shopping and let them pick out presents for him for his bday, fathers day and christmas. Every Year I throw him a party on his Bday, and he does spoil me at christmas time. But mothers day is 1 day a year to show how grateful you are that your mother even Had you!!! 1 Day to show how much you really love her and appreciate everything she does. If your husband doesn't understand that then say something! Tell him that it isn't fair to you. You feel unloved and unappreciated! You want the have them show you that they realize how important you are, even if its for that 1 day!
Without mothers, the house would fall apart!