Jana,
Do not take her. She is too young to even comprehend what is going on. My father in law passed away when my son and my nephew were both that age. I did not take any of my kids (3,2,1) to the services. My nephew went to everything and he had dreams about seeing grampa in the coffin and going to the ground. My kids had dreams of grandpa when he was alive. You do not want the lasting memory of her great grandmother to be of her dead. If she will remember, make it be a good memory. I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult moment, but you do not need the added stress of taking her. Good luck.
Guille
It's not too early to expose your daughter to death, you ust wouldn't want to expose her in the same way as, say, a yr old. It would probably be helpful to go to the bookstore or library and get some books for both yourself and her. There are books with advice on have to talk about it and books to read with her that can help approach and explain at her level. Death is sad but it is a natural part of the life cycle and you could explain to her that your grandmather lived a long time and shared a lot of love with her family and friends. Even if she doesn't go to the funeral she will wonnder why you are sad and if she saw your grandmother will probably wonder why she doesn't get to see her anymore. My grandmother died when I was 3 and my family was very close to her. They did not keep that information from me and quite frankly I don't remember that time in my life.
Best of luck with your decision
My children wre 4 and 6 when my husbands grandmother died. We called the funeral home and they did a tour for the boys ahead of time. It was wonderful because they could ask all the questions they wanted and we did not have to be embarased in front of the family. The gentleman who took them around answered honestly but kept the more delicate portions from them. We then explained the procedures for the funeral itself and explained that people would be sad so they knew what might happen. The day of the funeral the boys knew what to expect and it went smoothly.
Good Luck
Hello. I have a four year old and a 3 year old. Their great great grandparents died and I was in the same position. I didn't know whether introducing them to the concept of death was too soon. So I consulted with my pediatrician, mother-in-law and searched on the web. The jist of what I found was that if you keep it simple. Children at this age don't have a long attention span so a lengthy discussion won't be absorbed. I took both my girls to the wake, walked them up to the casket, said "gramma is sleeping". The question came of "why doesn't she wake up" and I merely said "there's two kinds of sleeping, one when we go to bed to rest our bodies and the other we sleep to be with god and gramma is sleeping to be with god". My daughters understood and had no more questions. I asked them to say goodbye and we'll see her in our dreamdates (another thing I did). The rest of the visit was fine because they went to play with cousins.
If you keep it simple it should be fine. Good luck.
My son is almost 2. I have taken him to two funerals this past year and one last night. I thought of you. I was a bit concerned about him as well but I realized that there is not a real concept of death at that age. If had been someone in my family I don't know what I would have done but how they adjust to these things is all up to us.
When my mother died my brother decided to keep the youngest one away because of the distraction. That is what worked for them but I have found that when I take my son that everyone truly appreciates the reminder of joy and life.
So taking babies to these things has to feel right for you. If you feel that having children see you grieve will affect them negatively then that would be something to consider.
Best wishes and God Bless you for you loss.
Don't take her. Funerals are not the place for children, especially a 3 year old. Just find a babysitter and leave her comfortably at home.
Maybe my family is different than everyone else's. Sure, everyone grieves at these funerals, but everyone loves having children around--- it reminds us that life goes on and brings a smile to people's faces. You should grieve but you need to keep things in perspective and children do that for you. I had 3 funerals back to back in November and December of last year--- granted my daughter was only a year old, but she definitely threw temper tantrums and she had older cousins your daughter's age and they made it bearable for people. Everyone knows how kids are so they don't mind the tantrums, at least no one I know ever does, they understand. As I said, it always makes them smile... NOW for how your child will react, I agree that she won't really understand. In fact, one of the funerals I attended was for my 22 year old cousin who died, leaving behind a 3 year old boy. He was there the entire time and said his daddy was sleeping. He enjoyed seeing all of his family members and they enjoyed seeing him. I think you should bring her-- also it will help you to keep life in perspective as well. That is just my opinion....
Hi Janna,
I don't think you're wrong--but I would say that I don't think it would hurt her to go either. My daughter was only 10 months at my Mom's funeral, so she was clueless, but my brother's daughter was 4. I would suggest reading a book on the subject--I don't know a specific one to suggest but I bet a Christian book store or any book store probably has something that would help. Just be prepared ahead of time with your answers to the different possible questions she may ask. Keep it simple and on her age level. This may be an excellent opportunity to teach her about death without scaring her.
Susan
Janna,
First of all, I am sorry that you are losing your grandmother. It makes for a difficult time.
Regarding your daughter, I don't think she is too young to be exposed to "death." She will see that bugs die, flowers die, etc. and if she ever sees your grandma for visits, you can't hide the fact that she died. Nor should you. You need to at least tell her in a way that she won't assume you or she or anyone else is going to die right away just because grandma did. If you are a religious person, teach her your beliefs about the afterlife.
My oldest two children are 5 and 3 and they are very comfortable with the concept. They know what funerals, caskets and cemetaries are. Because I am a Christian, they understand about heaven and the resurrection. When they ask me if I am going to die, I say "Of course, that is how we get back home to heaven. But it probably won't happen until you are so very old - probably a grandparent. Then I will go to heaven first and wait for you to come, just like I waited for you to come to me before you were born. Then when you come to heaven we can be together forever as a family with Jesus." They are fine with that because I tell them like it is a fact of life, because it is. If I would try to hide the truth or lie, they would eventually see through it and death could be a very scary thing.
Regarding the funeral, if your daughter hardly knows your grandma, she really doesn't need to attend the funeral. You can tell her that you are going to a (long, sitting quietly) meeting where everyone remembers grandma and it is a time for you to accept that she is gone. You are going to say goodbye even though she is already gone and mostly grown ups will be there. Tell her she would be happier playing with toys and being noisy.
If your daughter was very close to your grandma, she should go to at least part of the services and be well preped in advance for what she sees and hears. You may decide to have her skip the viewing or if the services will be long, skip another part. She WILL have lots of questions and that is okay. Answer them honestly with a short and simple answer she can understand. If it is hard to keep answering because you're in mourning, have your husband help you. If you are concerned about what she might say at the service, (I attended a graveside service once where a three year old kept pointing to the casket and saying "does everyone know there is a dead body in here?") explain to her that questions need to wait until the funeral is over and it is just the two of you. Or if it can't wait, she needs to whisper in your ear. If she is unable to follow those kind of instructions, it would be best not to have her come.
She is bound to notice the mourning or the crying if she attends the funeral. Tell her that even grown ups cry when they are sad and that it is okay. Everyone feels sad for a while when someone dies, but eventually the sad feelings get less and less as we keep living.
Last of all, keep your grandmother's memory alive with your daughter. My husband lost his grandfather when my two oldest children were very young. We have pictures of my kids with their great-grandpa in their room. We talk about how they used to sit on his lap when they were babies. We named our youngest after his great-grandpa and all the kids understand that. My oldest daughter had a good cry when he died and then she was fine. She likes when we talk about him and it honors his memory to do it.
Best wishes,
Shellie
I have had to make several decisions about whether or not to take my childern to funerals in the last few years and have found it seems to make it a little easier on the children to be able to say goodbye. I have a 13 yr. old girl who lost a grandparent when she was around 3. I did not want her to go to the funeral but got talked into it. It was the better decision. She did well and seemed to have an easier time letting go. Recenty my sister-in-law passed away from cancer and her daughter, 4, and cousins 4 and under all went to the funeral but they made the decision to stay in the waiting area during the funeral. One parent volunteered to stay with them. This seemed to work well also. If your daughter has any relationship with this grandmother I would encourage you to take her and let her decide what she is comfortable with.
Hi, Sabrina here. I would just like to tell you I am almostin the same situation. My mother in law, who is very close to my heart is in the hospital and not doing well. The subject of her passing and I told my family that I would not be taking my 5 year old and my 2 year old because I want them to remember her when she was alive and not in a casket. I feel this is the best decision for me and my children for the simple reason that I don't want them to go through something that tramatic at a young age. I will sit down with them and explain that Grandma is no longer here with us, she has went to heaven and she will always be there to watch over them. I hope this helps some. Sabrina
We took our 3 year old daughter to her great grandmas funeral. We explained that there would be sad people and that grandma had died. She then told me she wanted to draw grandma a picture to make her feel better, so we let her. I was relieved that she really didnt get it, and we didnt let her view the body. Then, after the funeral she said she wanted to go see grandma and we repeated to her that we couldnt see grandma b/c she had died. Her response? "AGAIN?" It was a funny moment at a sad time. She was fine, not at all phased by the situation.
My father in law passed away just a couple months ago. My son had just turned three. My biggest fear with him being there is that it was an open casket. I was afraid he would see his grandpa and want him, and that was a can of worms I just was not willing to open. Now I am not trying to offend anyone but, I think that the idea that a 3 year old is actually capable of understanding the concept of death and going to a funeral to help them say goodbye is just rediculous! We sat my son down and explained to him that grandpa had died and he said he understood, but he still asks when he gets to see him. He sees him in a picture and talks about him in the present. Childrens minds dont work like a grown person, they, fortunately, do not really understand the concept of death. My son knows grandpa is "gone" but he thinks died means he went on vacation or is just someplace else. I dont believe that taking him to the funeral would have made it easier on him or helped him to understand. The funeral didnt do a whole lot for the rest of us who were close to him, I dont know what anyone could expect it to do for a small child. One of the greatest things about children is their innocence, and I personally think that by trying to make them understand what has happened will only make that innocence fade sooner.
Thank you guys for all of the feedback. I really love this site. Right now my grandmother is still hanging on but she will most likely pass any day now. The doctors are saying it won’t be very long. Please help me pray for a peaceful and painless death. I don’t think I will bring my daughter. I don’t think I’m so much worried about her experiencing death, because I would explain it in simple terms and she does already know about it a little bit. I think I’m more worried about the possibility of her having a tantrum or meltdown of some type. It just seems like it will be less stress for me to leave her with a sitter and be able to go and grieve with my family and just not have to be anxious about whether she is going to behave or not. She’s so unpredictable. =) If she was less temperamental I’m sure I wouldn’t even question what I was going to do… I’d just bring her. I was just feeling a little guilty thinking maybe I was doing the wrong thing by not taking her… like maybe my grandmother would want her there, but at the same time, I think she would understand me not bringing her too. Thanks again for all of your advice and warm wishes.