My grandmother recently had a stroke and just took a turn for the worse this week. As of yesterday her kidneys were failing and the doctors don't expect her to make it much longer. I am not super close with this grandmother, but I do love her and it's still hard to say goodbye. My concern at the moment is whether or not I should take my 3 year old daughter to the funeral. She is at a very inquisitive age and would ask a lot of questions. I think it's probably just too young to expose her to death. She may also get upset at seeing others cry. Have any of you had to make a decision like this?
Is a VERY personal decision, and I think you should go with your gut. However, children are humans living the human experience, and it's just reality. If you're going to be very overcome, perhaps it's best if she wasn't there - she might be frightened by your grief. But she may not. If she's inquisitive, it may very well be a good learning experience. If you're a religious person, it can be a good opportunity to teach her what you value in that area.
There are those who will say it's wrong to take her, and probably few who will say it's wrong NOT to take her. Think it through, but don't sweat it. You'll make the right decision for you and for your daughter.
For the record, I have taken my son to two funerals since he's been about three, and he's fine with it. He too is inquisitive and wicked bright. Best of luck, and I know you'll make the right choice.
When my father passed away in march I took both my kids (Nate 3 and Elle 1) Nate was just begining to grasp that Grandpa wasnt there he was in heven. We had that talk because it was a long battal with cancer and would visit him in the hospital. It was also comforting to my mother to have the kids there. Death and mourning are a part of life, and your family may appreciate the sense of new life that little children bring. My condolences either way.
My son was also 3 when my husband's grandmother died, and we took him to the funeral. He wasn't too inquisitive, though. He was 4 when my father died, and I also took him to that funeral. I think at that age, they are still open to everything and don't see death in capital letters as we sometimes do. I also think that it is important for them to know why everyone else around them is sad and crying, and to know that there is a time for everything, and this is a time for mourning a loved one. So I don't think you would do your child any harm in taking her to the funeral.
That said, what is more important is whether you are comfortable with taking a young child to such an event. My greatest concern was always whether my son would be sufficiently well-behaved not to disturb everyone else's mourning. As it turned out, there never was a problem (the somber mood everyone is in gets to them, too). But do expect some questions and be ready to answer them as honestly as you can. What killed me during my dad's funeral was when my son asked me whether grand-dad would get to blow out all the candles on his coffin.
I wish you and your family a lot of strength in the time ahead!
Monika
Janna, I have no advice. However, I do have a story tell you. My uncle died not too long ago. I felt obligated to be there and took my 3 year old daughter to the funeral. I was very concerned too. Amazingly, things turned out o.k. She saw people crying, she even saw my uncle in the casket. She looked at him and said "I don't know why everyone is crying. He is just sleeping and will soon wake up with Jesus". One thing you need to understand, I NEVER told her that. This is something that just came out of her mouth. Everyone that heard that comment smiled and it became a topic...because we all are Christians, the comment made by a 3 year old girl seemed to make so much sense. Then my daughter played with all the little children at the funeral and laughed and she had a great time. She did ask questions, but didn't give it too much importance. So go with your instinct. Good luck.
I have a three year old. The only thing you can count on with this age is that you have no control over what they may do next, and you don't know how they will act and respond to new situations. Your already know that you daughter has tantrums, that you have had trouble controlling. People at funerals are grieving. Her possible "learning experiece" should not impinge on others' grief. It is inappropriate to take her. But I think you already knew that.
I think that it is a personal matter. However, I didn't go to my Great-grandmothers funeral (8yrs old) and I wish I could have...I was somewhat close to her. I chose not to take my toddler (about 4 yrs)to her Great-grandfather's (my husband at the time's grandfather)funeral because she wasn't close to him, really didn't know him and I didn't feel like she should be there (because it would cause too many questions that I didn't feel she needed to experience yet).
On the other hand when my grandfather passed away, I brought both of my children (daughter then 7yrs and son 4yrs) to his funeral. I did this time because they were very close to him and he was very much involved in their lives from the time they were born. I felt they should be there to feel and be with the family. They were able to understand a little more that PawPaw was gone. It eased some of the confusion. My son even asked the awkward questions at the funeral and touched him at the viewing. I feel like I made the right decision both times. My other grandfather (their great-grandfather) passed away 8 mos before him and my grandmother didn't have a funeral. The children were somewhat close to him and were as expected upset when they heard he passed. But I had numerous questins to answer and situatins to deal with because his passing I feel was confusing probably due to the fact they had nothing to let clearly help them understand that he was not coming back.
My step mother passed away two years ago and I chose not to bring my children to that funeral for numerous reasons and they were 9yrs and 6yrs. My daughter was a little upset because I didn't let her go at the time. In the end she really didn't want to go for the right reasons and I feel like I made the right decision for that one too.
It is ultimately your decision. Don't over think it and I believe that every situation is different. You will make the right decision for your daughter.
Good luck, I am sorry about your loss.
Janna, i have a three year old who went to her Mimi's ( her great grandma) funeral over the summer. She did fine. Mimi had been in the hospital so she knew she was ill, and when she passed we explained she was happy in heaven. She still talks about Mimi. I also have an older son - he's 8. When he was little I had a stillbirth. We had a funeral, but I did not have him go cause I though he would be scared. Well now that he is older we talked about what happened and tells me he wishes he could have said good bye...every child is different, and every family handles death differently. some mourn it, and others celebrate it. Whichever choice you make will be fine, just don't feel pressured that either are wrong. Take care..
Personally, I would NOT take any of my children (ages 2, 5, and 7) to a funeral. I still have some traumatic memories about my grandmothers funeral and I was much older than 3... I just think funeral are no place for children.
Janna,
Just adding my two cents. Yes, it is a very personal decision, but since you're asking for opinions - I'm a firm believer in honesty with my children. And there's nothing more honest about life, than death. I think it's extremely important for children to see what death is about, and how others around them handle it. It's an unpleasant business, but so are many of the great lessons in life. And as far as your child being a child in the middle of a funeral - I would bet that most people would welcome the contrast. Your daughter is full of life - young, energetic, and full of questions. Of course we should be respectful when we're mourning someone we love, but I believe there is also room for momentary relief from the pain. I think that's why God made children the way they are - to remind us that life goes on.
And yes - I have taken my two young children to my grandpa's funeral. We avoided the open casket, and they handled the rest of it as children do - with curiosity, and even empathy.
My condolences to you and your family.
Sincerely,
Michelle B
Dear Janna:
How about you explain to her what to expect (black clothes, crying, service, etc.) and ask her?
If you brief her that you may be crying and that it is a special service to remember your grandmother, she will tell you whether she wants to go. Death is natural, especially for really old people. However, make it clear that she cannot be obnoxious or leave early, if she chooses to go. If you depict it as a boring event (which it will be for a 3-year-old), she does not feel left out, but is likely to decline.
Regards,
Wolfgang
Every kid is different. I think it has a lot to do with temperament and personality. I have just gone through this with my son so I can tell you what worked for me and you could see if any of it relates to your situation.
My grandfather just passed away a week ago at the age of 99. My son just turned six and I was very ambivilent about what to tell him because he has had a terrible fear of death. It started last year, out of nowhere - there had been no deaths in his life - and it was heartbreaking to see him so sad and afraid. It would go away and then resurface every few months. We would talk about heaven and God and all that and nothing seemed to make him feel any better until we started talking about how my grandmother wants to come back as a cat in her next life. He seemed to like the idea of people coming back again as something they like. Anyway, he hasn't talked about it lately and I didn't want to bring it up if it was going to set him off again, but I also didn't want him to feel like I had kept something from him when he eventually did find out. I told him that my grandfather's body had just gotten too old and worn out and that his body died, but now he's in heaven and he feels much better to not be old anymore. I told him that we were going to a party to celebrate what a long and happy life he had and to celebrate how lucky we all were to know him. I emphasized that even though some people were a little sad because they would miss him, that everyone was still ok and that my father (who lived with my grandfather) was still living in that house and was still going about his daily life and that everything was still going on just as it always had and always would.
My son seems to have taken it in stride. He hasn't been upset. One thing that helped I think was that we had a private burial (which I did not bring him to) a few days before the memorial service so there was no casket and no grave for him to ponder over at the service. To him, it was just a church service and a party.
At three, your daughter might still be too young to even be able to grasp the death part of it. I would imagine that it would be upsetting for her to see you and other people she loves visibly upset. I don't know. I can tell you that a year ago, I would not have taken my son to a funeral with the fears he was having. Two years ago, it might not have been a problem though because he hadn't reached that stage yet. I don't know if any of this helps, but good luck and trust in your judgement as her mother.
Janna,
I will echo much of what has been said, it is very personal. I have unfortunately had to make this same decison 4 times in the last year. I had NEVER experienced a death in my family unitl this year, then starting last August I lost My father, my aunt in Jan, my father-in-law in April and then my grandmother in July. Each of them had a different relationship with my sons (6 year old and 1 1/2 year old) The only funeral they did not go to was my aunts, that was more of a schedule conflict and they were not very close to her. I found out that we are one of the only cultures that views death as something to shield our kids from. Other cultures advocate that children at some point will understand that with life comes death. And they are open about it. If you do take her, you are right that she will probably ask questions, but you just answer them at her level. Not to technical, just like you would for any other situation.
I hope you are at peace with what ever decision you make. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.
Blessings to you from Him,
whom I serve,
Michelle "The Photo Chic"
janna--
i agree with pretty much what others have said--it's so personal and either decision that you make will be the right one for you.
we have a 3 1/2 year old boy who is very bright and inquisitive as well, and he went to the funerals of both of his great-grandmothers in january (he was not quite 3 then). they died within one week of each other. he asked a lot of questions, both at the funerals and then for a little while afterwards. sometimes out of nowhere he will say "mommy, i miss mimi" or "i miss mawmaw" and then he might ask "where did they go? i forget". i tell him they are in heaven and then i ask him who else is in heaven. he always answers "god" or "jesus" and sometimes he adds that santa claus is there too! both of my parents passed away before our kids were born but we always talk about them like they are just somewhere else and when we go to heaven we will see them all again.
in a way, a great-grandparent's funeral is a good introduction to other, closer people's funerals...usually kids aren't THAT close to great-grands and it might make it easier for your daughter to come to terms with the deaths of closer relatives if you introduce her to the concept of death and the rituals that go along with it.
but again, this is a personal decision--so much depends on your daughter's temperament. good luck. i'm sorry for your loss, as well.
kristyn
Janna- I have had to deal with this more than once unfortunatly. I didn't have a choice but to take my daughter to the first one and I had to take both of my children to the second. My daughter was very young for the first, but she was 2 for the second one. She was still very aware of what was going on. I will be honest with you, She handled it fine. She asked a few questions, we answered them honestly. And that was the end!! Also, She probably won't remember a thing about it!! My grandfather died when I was 6 yrs old. I do not remember anything about his funeral. It wasn't until I was in high school that my grandmother and I were talking about it and she told me I was there. And my grandpa and I were REALLY close!! So whatever you decide, I think your daughter will be fine!!! Good Luck and I'm sorry for your loss!!!
No you are not wrong each person feels differently about this subject. There is no right or wrong here. My father passed away when my daughter was 3 and my son was 8. They both did just fine. We talked about grandpa's passing before we went to the funeral home. She didn't completely understand at first. But I just explained we would no longer get to see grandpa, he had to leave and be with God. But that it was ok because he still sees us. They might get a little upset because people are crying and it is ok. This is part of life and unfortunately something they have to learn to deal with. What ever you decide is the right thing for you and your child. Blessings to Your Family
I didnt take either one of my children to my grandfather's funeral and we were very close. The funeral was a lovely chance for us to say goodbye for us, for some of my cousins, it eas a difficult time keeping their children quiet.
Hi Janna, Answer to your question...NO (my opinion) Age three is sooooo young and your daughter will most likely never remember your grandmother or the fact that she never went to the funeral. My daughter was super young too when we went to a funeral, but we did not take her. Funerals are really no place for children that young. If there is going to be a dinner for the family type gathering afterward, I would say let her go to that. She will be an uplift for the older folks and love the attention...and if there are other children at the meal, she could play with them. I feel like funerals are a sad part of life and it's not necessary for them to see or feel this at that time. A short story of mine...One year ago, my stepdad passed away. At the time, my daughter was five going on six and VERY close to Pawpaw! She saw him at the funeral home (open casket) and she went to the graveside service. It all depends on the maturity of the child too. With my daughter, this helped her to bring closure to the person she is soooo close to. You see, at the age of six, they know so much already. We just can't ice over it and not talk about what happened and where he is. They have to see and know! I sure hope this helps with your struggle. And I am so sorry for your loss. :-( I hope all goes as well as to be expected. God Bless!! Deborah
You are not wrong at all if that is your preference. I have a different perspective on the matter. Death is the other side of the coin of life, you can't have one without the other. You can keep your explanations at her age level. There are many books you can get through your public library that are age appropriate. Also remember that just because she asks a question she does not need a full detail answer. You can tell her that grandma's spirit is with the angels and that her body is no longer working.
Remember that you can't protect your children from the hard things in life. Our job is to help them learn to work through the tough spots.
My grandmother died 3 years ago when my son was in kindergarten and my granddaughter was 2 and 1/2. To this day when we see butterflies (because my grandmother loved them and celebrated them} we blow kisses to take to heaven. Each year on her birthday we float a balloon with her birthday card to heaven. You can make each memory moment positive if YOU have the positive attitude first. Don't shy away from death. Let her see you sad but tell her it only lasts for a little while. Tell her you see some of your grandmother in her and that it makes you happy. My son and granddaughter are not afraid of going to heaven because they know that Nanny is waiting for them even if it takes a long time before they gets there. Your response to death will determine her response.
I am so sorry you are losing your grandmother even though you aren't close, you will feel the loss. Let your daughter see you work through that and if she wants to comfort you like you do when she is sad let her and it's important to let her see that her presence makes it better. One other important thing is to let her know that grandma's body does not hurt. Many kids fear death because they fear pain.
I will pray for you and your daughter and that grandma's journey to heaven will be a positive learning experience for you and your daughter.
Carol
Janna
I agree that you should NOT take your daughter to the funeral. She is too young and very impressionable. You don't want her remembering her great-grandmother that way. Even if she didn't know her real well or at all. People tend to think that little kids aren't smart or that they don't have good memories. They do! My 5 year old son remembers things that I don't and some of the things he remembers are things that I wish he wouldn't. Don't put your precious child through that. Think of her and don't worry about what other people might say. You are looking out for her best interest.
I hope I could help at least a little. Best wishes!
Michele B
Married, mother of 4: 17, 15, 11, & 5. Live in Converse, stay a home mom & have MS.