I can't imagine my husband caring what length our daughters hair is. That seems really controlling. When I was a kid my best friend's dad wouldn't let her cut her hair, and by the 4th grade it was really long and frizzy and she was miserable. But as long as daddy is happy, right? Her dad had a lot of other parenting issues though, I'm sure her therapist knows all about them ;)
I would discuss it with her dad and set a date (not too far into the future but enough for him to get used to the idea), and then take her out to get her hair cut and make a fun day of it.
And maybe remind her that daddy will think she is pretty no matter what length her hair is, or even if she didn't have any at all! Or better yet, tell HIM to remind her of that!
My son wanted a mohawk at 5- so I let him have one.My ex hated it! It's only hair- and it will grow back. If it will make your life easier- then do it. Most men like long hair on women/girls- but that's their problem :)
My daughter was 5 when she came to me and said she wanted her bangs cut so they would quit getting in her face. I asked my mom to trim them after thanks-giving dinner. She forgot and the next day my mother-in-law was watching her and my 6 month old when she got ahold of a pair of scissors and trimmed them herself. They were so short that the only way they could be fixed was trimming them all the way to her scalp. She ended up with a mullet. I would suggest giving her bangs first and see what the ex says. Then maybe too your daughter will be happy.
Since the long hair is a struggle for you, maybe you should have your husband in charge of this detail. He could see that long hair is a pain and be happy to make things easier with short hair.
You could find pictures of little girls with short hair and show them to your husband and point out that these girls are still girly.
Have your daughter explain to him why she wants her hair short. You can help her think of reasons ahead of time. He might find it hard to say no, if she makes a good case for herself.
If she wants it cut, meet somewhere in the middle. Maybe not above the ears but a cute little bob thats a little longer on the sides and stacked up in back? It's amazing how much older they suddenly look when they get a fresh cut! And, assuming she's 5 and going into kindergarten you could definately make a big deal about her independence with your ex, suggesting that this is a good thing.
My husband has honestly never cared if our daughter's hair is long or short. And, it actually looks much better cared for when it's a bit shorter!
I would just tell him that if he wants her to have long hair then it is his responsiblility to wash it and brush it every day and get the snarls out etc etc. And he should be the one to put the braids in and the pony tails etc. etc. - See how long he wants to continue doing that! Tell the step mom not to do anything at all with the hair that it is his responsibility and his alone.
Good Luck.
Dad's opinion matters. If you do it without his blessing, it will create unneeded tension. I would venture that if your kids wanted to do something that YOU didn't want them to do, you would say "no" also. This is not a black-and-white situation, and there is room for discussion and compromise. I know because I just went through this with my 11-year-old. She just got her very first hair cut yesterday. Her hair was very long and was hard for her to take care of on her own. She wanted to cut it, but knew Dad would not approve, but she was smart about it. Several months ago, she started mentioning to him how she was thinking about cutting her hair. He would always make a face, and although he did not forbid it, he made it clear he didn't want her to do it. She just kept mentioning it casually, only saying that she was THINKING about it. Then she made a list of very logical and practical reasons for getting her hair cut (donating to Locks of Love, easier to take care of, shorter shower time, using less shampoo and conditioner, etc). A few weeks ago, she asked her dad if she could talk to him, and she presented her case. He was impressed with the way she had thought it through and told her she had his blessing. He still made it clear he wasn't happy, but he agreed to it. When she came home from her haircut yesterday, he didn't say much. I reminded him later that little girls need to know their daddies think they are beautiful, and he complimented her haircut later. He said he didn't like that it made her look more grown up though. :)
Another alternative is what my sister-in-law did when she was a young girl. She wanted to cut her long hair, but her father didn't want her to. So she asked if she could get a couple of inches cut. He agreed. She waited a couple months and then asked to get a few more inches off. She did that 3-4 times, and within a year, she had her hair at the length she wanted.
First of all, how much time does she spend with her dad? Is it equally half and half or is primary physical placement with you? I had a similar issue with my daughter's dad. I however have primary physical placement while he gets visitation. I had a therapist say to me, "Your the one who deals with it 24/7, if your daughter expresses she wants shorter hair, then get it cut. Dad will have to deal with what she wants, not what he wants." My daughter was 2 years old at the time. Now every year, usually at the start of summer we cut it to about shoulder length, long enough to still do half ponytails and headbands, but short enough that it is easier for her to brush and take care of. That has been my strong point when her dad complains when we cut it. It is easier for her to brush it and style it on her own. Good luck!
Yes, she's old enough to decide now about her hair - but the big issues is the disagreement between the parents. Maybe the mommies could help the daughter explain to dad that getting to pick her own hair style and clothes (within reason, of course) makes her feel good (strong, smart, pretty, etc.). Then the mommies could coach dad on letting daughter get a pretty short haircut as a birthday gift. Maybe he could take her for a haircut as a special daddy/daughter celebration on her birthday? Or going for haircuts could be their regular one-on-one time to be followed with a trip to the park or a some other special event every six weeks or so?
It's her hair!! How long is her hair now? Does her Dad ever do her hair?? I don't think children should be able to make all the decisions but they should be listened to and respected. A lot of men have this fantasy about long hair they think it is beautiful and will try to force the issue with their wife or girlfriend and daughters. My hair is baby fine and very straight, it doesn't look good long. I had a boyfriend that wanted me, and tried to force the issue, to wear it long and straight like his friend's wife. She had beautiful full heavy hair that behaved and she could style it. Mine I couldn't do anything with it, I refused to change my hairstyle. I had a good friend in high school who had very curly hair, her dad made her keep it cut short and refused to let her have any styling tools, except a brush and comb. He would tell her you don't need curlers your hair is curly!! STUPID MAN!!
This sounds more like a power and control issue than anything else. Your husband wants to dictate how your little girl wears her hair and it will get worse. How will he react when she wants/needs to have a bra and cute panites in a few years. I worked in the intimate apparel department of a major department store for 3 years and I have two daughters. When girls get to Junior High and suddenly want cute bras and panties, they are doing it to impress the other girls in the locker room, not for any boys to see. But they get made fun of if they wear "granny" panties or bras.
Ultimately it is the little girls decision. Like many other things in her life. As parents we can not choose their path, or talents or appearence. It is our job to raise them to be honest, respectable, loving, hard working, human beings, but we need to let them be who they are.
Definitely allow your daughter to have short hair. As you said, she's allowed to choose her own outfit, and short hair is easier. It is her life. Her dad's opinion matters in the things he values...but would he want someone to tell him how he HAD to have his hair? This is a control issue.
There will likely be times in her life when she wears her hair differently. Who is he to say what she does with her hair! This is actually disturbing.It reminds me of other areas where men want control of women's lives. The days of men owning everything are over. It is truly abusive to insist on what you want when it comes to other people's bodies.
She is getting the message that he loves her only if she looks a certain way. ugh. If he wants to send this message she will move away from him. To develop closeness and trust he can tell her that he would love her even if she were bald.
Another thought is...if it were a ritual for him to help her with her hair each day it would still make sense for her to have it the way she liked it. And then I might understand his mourning her cutting it.
I hate to bring this up, but in this day and age it may be a real factor in the hair-cut decision. Many of the responses have asked "Why does the Dad want the hair long?" It could be a control issue, or it could be that he has inappropriate feelings for her. Does he always want her in dresses? Sad to say, some men have inappropriate feelings for little girls and want them to be long-haired and beautiful for Daddy. Please don't feel insulted, I'm not saying he is feeling these feelings, but it is an avenue to explore.
Mama P
I'm not really sure what the big deal is. A haircut seems rather harmless...much more so than her getting her hands on scissors at school or something and cutting it herself and possibly getting hurt. I might go to one of those salons that are just for kids where your daughter could look at pictures of haircuts....I'm sure she can find one that keeps her looking like a litte girl to keep dad happy (what's his deal, anyway?)
I was on the other side of this situation. I didn't give in to my little girl's begging until she was around 7. I guess I saw it as a part of her childhood being taken away; just another sign that she was growing up!
She ended up getting a shoulder-length do that looks great on her. The bonus was that she donated over 12 inches of those baby blond ringlets to Locks of Love!
I guess it's silly, but some parents are reluctant to let their children grow up. It's not that I thought that she needed long hair to look like a girl or anything, I guess I was just attached to the idea of my "little girl". Having shorter hair certainly did make her look older, but in the end I'm happy if she is. :)
When I was growing up, my mother was the one who insisted that I keep my hair long (to my waist). And as I grew up, I was more and more responsible for taking care of it even though she insisted that it stay long. And through much of this time, short hair was the fashion and NO ONE I knew had hair as long as mine. I often got compliments from adults, but this was little comfort when everyone my age had short hair. I was finally a teenager when I cut my hair in the girl's bathroom at school. She freaked out even though I only cut it to the middle of my back (I wasn't really the rebellious type). I left it about that length until I was about 19. Her feeling was that she had always had long hair and really regretted it when she cut it. Why your little girl's father is holding so strongly to her hair is beyond me. If you have to go so far as to hide scissors and because she's already tried to cut it off twice, I think that you should go ahead and cut it because eventually she will be successful. I agree with others that you can go with a shorter cut without being as short as yours may be. Lots of shorter looks are still feminine. My stepdaughter pretty much has always chosen the length of her hair. Her mom has really short hair and mine is just past my shoulders and often longer. When she was younger she wanted it to be long like mine (it was down the middle of my back again) because I had "princess hair". She still keeps it long because it's pretty curly and she likes it that way and her mom is willing to put it up all the time. Let her cut it. Hair grows back. She may not even really like it (when I cut mine in a bob-twice- I've regretted it each time). The more he says no, the more she'll want it short.
Hello Jen,
My twin girls were 5 when I let them choose their hair cuts with a little guidance from me. I ask them do you want bangs or let it grow one length. I feel they were going in Kindergarten they have a choice in how they look. I would caution about going from long to real short hair can be a shock. What I did with my older daughter was have her go from mid back to shoulders to get use to it. She just got it cut for school and now she is between ear and shoulders.(and it looks great) Hope this helps and think about who has to brush the hair on a regular basis (I'm assumming that it is you) and what your daughter wants. Remember if she is starting Kindergarten, they have scissors there if she wants to cut it- just a thought.
Good Luck, Lori
Going against Dad isn't a good thing to encourage so it is best to change his mind or at least let him know the choice is hers. One thing to use for your point is that it is hair and will grow back if she doesn't like it short. Another is that it is a lot of work to take care of long hair and HE doesn't do it, you, her step mom and she takes care of her hair so unless he is going to start combing it out after washing and fixing it every day, he really doesn't have any right to demand it being long.
Let him know that you are taking her to a beauty shop and letting her choose the hair style she and the hair stylist would believe is best for her hair. Let the pro's help pick it with her. She might opt for a medium length hair and also if it is long enough, she can donate the hair to locks of love.
This might sound trite, but if she is "his little girl" and he wants her to have long hair then the solution might be to let him deal with it. He should wash it, brush it, style it, etc. I'll bet he caves in 2 days. Long hair is beautiful, but if she wants short hair, then let her have it. If she gets to help pick her clothes then she should have a say in her hair style. I would however leave enough length for a short ponytail, so she has some style options.
You have gotten lots of responses but I thought I would throw my two cents in. As a baby I didn't have very much hair and it took a very long time to grow, and I was often mistaken for a boy. Because of this, my father did not want my hair cut and it was long (much too long) for many years. In fact, I look at pictures of myself with that stringy hair and think "Why didn't they just cut my hair off?" I am now going through the same thing with my four year old daughter. She has never expressed any opinion in particular for a hairstyle however I know once it gets past a certain length it starts to look the same stringy way mine did. That's why we keep it about chin length with bangs. She still has enough hair to do ponys but it's also short enough to be out of her face if she doesn't want anything in it. As I got older I learned to work with what I have and have told my daughter the same, even at this young age. I know that my hair will never be longer than chin length again and the fantasy that my husband has of the long locks is just that, a fantasy. When my husband would bring up the long hair thing I would just ask him "do you want nice looking short hair? or bad looking long hair?" You might want to ask your daughter's father the same thing.
As soon as my daughter started requesting her hair a certain way is when I started letting her decide. I'd love for her to have short hair since it is easier to take care of, but she loves her long hair (almost to her wasit).
My daughter is 6.