My 17 year daughter turns 18 next week. Wanted some input on what her curfew should be for school nights and weekends. She currently works part-time and is responsible with her job and school work. She had talked earlier this year about moving out and getting an apartment with her boyfriend (same age, same high school). We told her that if that was her choice, we wanted her to understand that we keep the car (we pay for insurance) and she would be on her own for college. That talk ended quickly, but not quietly. So, we can only anticipate what she feels about any rules we will tell her about in the next few days. Her current curfew is 10:00 during the week. She does have a 7:30 class every day at school and on weekends, curfew is 11:30. She also has early release from school getting out at 1:45 one day and 11:30 the next day. So, she and her boyfriend have plenty of free time together. In fact, she spends almost all free time with him. She is a good student but is feeling her oats and ready to spread her wings and fly. Any suggestions on curfews and/or house rules we should give her going forward?
I think, that at 18 years old, I would go with an 10:30-11:00 weekday curfew, and a 12:00 weekend... Especially if she is responsible at work and school.
Personally, I wasn't given any curfew at all from the time I turned 15. That was when I started working, and I often worked late. Sometimes I wanted to hang out with friends a little after I got off... My dad knew I was responsible, and I rarely came home after 10-11 anyway, so he wasn't too strict about it. The rule was that as long as my grades were up, I was able to function during the day, and I wasn't out getting into trouble and partying, I could do what I wanted. I was the only one of my siblings with this rule, because none of them were able to responsibly handle the freedom... so they got flat-out curfews. It really depends on the person.
Keeping in mind my kids are still younger, I would think 10:00 is late enough on school nights. She should be in bed by then to get the sleep she needs. I would go with midnight on weekends.
I would also think that now would be a good time to set some other rules also, car usage, chores, who pays for what. My 15 yo thinks that when she turns 18 she gets to make all the rules since she'll be an adult. Every time she says that, I just keep laughing.
I am really more into teaching responsibility then a strict curfew. My daughter is going to be twenty next month. I gave her a curfew of 9:00 in the weekdays and 11:00 on the weekends. By the time she turned 18 she realized the importance of sleep and the effect on her grades. She always keeps her GPA up and found it to be a lot harder on too little of sleep. Now she is in college in another state and I am glad that she is responsible and can keep her grades up and maintain her scholarship.
No moving out till she is graduated from High School..
I like that you let her know she cannot take the car if she did move out.
11:00 during week, 12:00 weekends for curfew as long as she keeps her grades up.
Also no moaning in the morning.. She will learn about sleep.. Let her know you cannot sleep if she is not in house safe.and all of the locks are on.. .
Our daughter used to stay up (not out) till 1:00am in High school.. She is now in College and does not go to bed till 2 and 3 am.. Of course she makes it work and is always on the Dean's List, so it works for her..
She needs to do her own laundry and have chores around the house just as if she were a house mate..
Also just like a house mate, she needs to keep in touch about her whereabouts, so that if something were to happen you would know she is not on her schedule and needs to be checked on.. Even our daughter does this up at college.. They worry about each other if one of the girls is not where she said she would be..
If she's generally responsible (which it sounds like she is) then I think you need to trust her. While I understand she's in school, she WILL be an 'adult' next week. Be fair, be respectful, be trusting - unless she gives you a reason not to be.
I disagree with your stand on her moving out with her boyfriend negating her college fund (or whatever you've set up). That sounds like blackmail to me. I'm sure when you started saving for college it wasn't under the condition that she lives her life the way YOU want her to.
The two of you (and your husband too) need to sit down and hash out the way things are going to go. She want to act like an adult, treat her like one unless and until she starts acting like a child. Yes, it's your house and she's your child, but it's not like she's sitting around all day rent-free - she's going to school and working. That's great!
I was the same way with my highschool boyfriend - I couldn't spend ENOUGH time with him! And we were the same age and went to the same school. My parents trusted me and I didn't let them down. In fact, I married the guy!
I don't have older children, but I'm young and have obviously been on your daughter's end of the spectrum. I was kicked out of my mom's at 17 while I was still in high school because my stepfather didn't want me there (I was working and doing chores as well as school, so I wasn't freeloading) so I moved in with my dad and was kicked out a month after I graduated (still was working, doing chores, preparing for beauty school etc.) but I think as long as she's in school and living under your roof, you should definitely have some ground rules. But since she is 18 and you said she has a job and is responsible (not freeloading) you should let her have some freedom. Why would she be on her own for college if she wants to move out? I don't think that's very fair. She wants to get out on her own, and I don't think she should give up on her education to do that. Obviously, taking the car away is acceptable if it is in your name and you have been making the payments. I think everyone here knows it's not uncommon to feel like spreading your wings at 18 (it is the age of first freedoms after all) so I think giving in a little on her curfew could be acceptable as long as she's not getting into trouble. Obviously, you don't have to take my advice because I'm young, don't have kids your age and sound foolish answering this, but take it from someone young - the more freedom you have means learning responsibility early.
Good for you for setting rules & KEEPING them. Don't get soft now. This "Adult" crap is just a number set up by the government. You & I both know that being 18 doesn't constitute being an adult. Being an adult means that you can stand on your own two feet & not with your hand out. She has from 1:45 to 10 pm to be with her boyfriend, um that is a crap load of time, if she was in "Adult" world she wouldn't have that luxury. On weekends maybe go with 12.
I don't feel that withholding college money if she moves in with her boyfriend is blackmail, seriously it's your money & you have morals so good for you for wanting to instill those values into your daughter, I would do the same thing & I think you handled it perfectly, kudos to you.
Oh and I have a 20 yr old daughter in college.
Be nice, Moms!
We've learned the hard way that no matter what you say, no matter what you teach/preach, no matter what rules you set.....there's NO freakin' way to enforce compliance without having to endure mouthing, yelling, arguing, & sometimes having to force them out the door for non-compliance.
What we've also learned is to be flexible, to really chose our battles, & to allow as much personal freedom as possible.....AS LONG AS THE CHILD is productive, responsible, & respectful. It has been a long, hard road for all of us to reach this place of Peace! I am a control freak & a planner. My husband is "old school".....not even opening that can of worms!
With our older son, we went thru Hell. He's 23 & did not function within in our family nor society.....from age 15 -until almost age 21. Long story, defiance all the way, has already seen waaaay too much of the bad side of life......regardless of our wishes, desires, etc. We are very proud that he has returned to "our" way of Life!
With our younger son (age 14), we have learned that all-important flexibility. We have chosen to allow him to govern himself ....under our watchful eye. He does not have a set bedtime....just a general guideline: he has to be in bed before me. Some nights, it's 10pm....other nights, it's 11pm. He has the luxury of not having to be up until almost 8am....so these hours work for him. He is active & fully-engaged in school. He maintains A/B grades for the most part. He is in religion school, Scouts, was on the school track team, & in several school clubs. Most days, he's at school until 5pm! He has regular chores, some of which are quite a load!
His mouth is starting to run....his attitude is beginning to change. BUT we have found that as long as we don't pressure him into conforming, as long as he continues to govern himself......we ususally just have to have a "family conference" to get things pulled back into line. We consider ourselves very fortunate that his psyche & personality is sooo different from his older brother's!!
Our younger son is definitely more goal-oriented, striving for goals very much in our "way of Life". After Scout camp this summer, his big announcement was "oh, yeah, by the way....next summer I plan on being a Counselor-In-Training. So you need to plan on me being gone for the entire month of June." Excuse me, Son....who's in charge here? !!!
BUT, to get back to you!! She's going to be 18....for school nights, what about simply asking her to be home "at a decent time, so you can go to bed"? Tell her no later than 10pm to show respect for the rest of the family. As for the weekends, what about letting her set the guidelines, ask her what would make her comfortable, & ask what would be an equitable punishment for breaking the curfew !
Oh, & NO, I don't think it's fair to hold college funds over her head. As long as she's productive & responsible....she's going to be old enough to vote, let her have some freedom & responsibility!
Wow, I thought I had it bad in high school, I'm about to call my mom and apologize...When I was 18 (ten years ago but it sure doesn't feel that long) I had to be home at 10:30 on the weeknights and 130 on the weekends. If she is a responsible young adult and she keeps up her school, work, and family commitments then I say give her a little freedom. Only then will she be prepared to live on her own even if that is at college for the first time. She won't feel so eager to run out and "do whatever she wants" if she has been able to a stretch her legs a bit at home first.
My house, my rules.
If I'm paying for your car insurance and your college tuition, you do what I say. I've been telling my almost 18 year old that since he was in middle school. He has seen friends act up and move out - their consequence: not be able to attend the college of their choice. I'm sure that was a toughy for the parents, but it set the tone for the rest of the group of kids who know that young man.
If you decide to move out - so be it. But, if you are moving, you are obviously an adult and you can make your own decisions -- BUT you can also pay your own bills.
LBC
I know I am a harda$$, but, your house, your rules. My son graduated from HS in '09. By the last semester, 'all' of his friends had no curfew, etc. Well, the rules we laid down were that he was home by 10:30 on school night, midnight on Friday and Saturday, and negotiable for special occassions. He was not happy about it and there were a lot of 'discussions', but my house, my rules. It is now a year and a half later, he is in college and doing well. He thanked me for the curfew a few days ago. Some of his friends got in real trouble and some of his friends failed classes and did not graduate on time. I know he was and she is 18, but they still need to follow your rules because your house is a home and other people live there. She needs to respect you guys and your home...Just my thoughts. I hope everything works out!
I honestly don't think there should be a difference in curfew just because your daughter had a birthday. The rules are yours because you are the parents. She is still a high school student regardless of whether she's 17 or 18. If she doesn't like your rules you've already told her she's free to move out but you've got stipulations that go along with that as well, which was extremely good thinking on your part I might add. You're doing your job as a parent & your daughter doesn't have to like it, she just has to abide by it. When she's actually an adult and mother herself she'll understand, but probably not a moment before then. Good luck & know that you're doing the right thing!
Your house, Your rules. Adulthood is not an age. If you want the privilege, you also have the responsibility. If it is against your values to have her live with her boyfriend, you have every right to cut off the college money. If she wants to live on her own, than she pays for Everything. (Does she make enough for food, rent, clothes, insurance, etc.?) Maybe just looking at the $$ side of things would open her eyes. Make sure she knows the rules, and then follow through. She must remain respectful to you and your household. I personally think they are too young to move out if they are still in high school. I think curfews should stay the same. Nothing else has changed except that she is another day older, so why should the rules change? Sounds like you are making great decisions!
18 - try to remember what you felt like when you were 18. This is such a magic age for most of us. I believe that she should still have a reasonable curfew on school nights - maybe 11:00. One the weekends, holidays and summer - ease up a bit - especially since you say she is responsible. As long as she is in high school - she should have more rules than once she is out of school. She needs to understand that even though she is technically an "adult" - adulthood does just not come overnight because of a birthday. Our children had rules - even in college and now our 24 year old son lives with us and there are still rules for their safety mostly and our peace of mind. When they go out - they tell us where they are going, with who and when they will be home. We have contact numbers and addresses for their friends. This is NOT so we can check up on them but so that we can get to them if they need help. My husband is in law enforcement and our kid have heard stories of bad situations where people just do not make it home and someone has to go looking for them. Be safe - be responsible - be happy - talk to your daughter about these. But again, remember how you felt at 18.
i don't know whether i look at it differently because we homeschooled, because i was lucky to have easy kids, or just feel differently. but in our house we never leveraged our 'rules' with finances. our kids contribute to the care and upkeep of our home because we all live here and that's how it works best for everyone. our kids pay for their cell phones because we feel that's part of becoming responsible adults. they pay insurance on their vehicles and have from the beginning. we feel that's just a good thing to do, regardless of whether or not they're following the 'rules.' they've never had a curfew, other than what's the law. if they stay out too late and are tired the next day, they have to deal. but then, when they were in high school they didn't have to get up early either so that's easier to arrange as homeschoolers. my older son moved out briefly when he was 19 and inbetween high school and college. we were sad but did everything we could to help. we knew it was his decision and an important one. he went back to college and moved back in a year later, also with our blessing.
we are only paying for community college for our kids, the rest is on them, so the money thing is slightly different with us too. but what we have agreed to pay for we pay, and we would regardless of where they live. if your daughter were to get an apartment and be responsible and hold a job and go to school, why would you deny her that? (assuming she's out of high school by then. i do think they should stay home until they graduate. but i'd also be open to discussion on it.)
is the car yours or hers? if she took over paying for the insurance, would you let her have it?
i don't know why 'feeling her oats' and being 'ready to spread her wings and fly' is a bad thing. if she can balance it all, you've done your job well. why would you NOT want her to go to college if you've budgeted for it and told her you would do that?
as long as she is at home and helping around the house, being courteous, and pulling her weight, why treat her like a small child?
khairete
suz
To clarify, it sounds like you will pay for college if she does not live with her boyfriend, but you will not pay for it if she does? Sort of enforcing morality with college tuition-understandable-which is what my parents did. I understand that philosophy, and in my case, I moved in with the boyfriend and lost the opportunity for free college, and went to work. Why? Because I thought moving in with a dude was spreading my wings and flying when we all know it's just limiting yourself and sucking up your valuable life force which should be focusing on yourself and your goals at that age, not a relationship which most likely won't last-and even if it does-all that much more reason not to hurry...AHhh, youth is lost on the young.
You need to not fret. Your house, your rules. Don't feel afraid of her reaction. She's 18 and should be living on here own except for needing help with college. The boyfriend is not part of the equation you need to worry about. He is not a priority. She's either an adult who supports herself, or she is a dependent who lives in your house while you pay for school and car insurance. The more oppressed she feels by depending on you and having house rules (or living with him), the more incentive to thrive on her own. You're right not to support her while living with the dude. And you're right to offer that choice. She's got to get up onto her own feet no matter where she lives.
For me, I struggled living with the guy for 6 years with NO financial help from home, juggled 3 jobs at once most of the time, got an entry level position at a company, and eventually climbed the corporate ladder, ditched the guy, put myself back in school on my own dime and did just fine.
Dont' worry where she takes things. Just hold up your own end of the deal and don't let her manipulate you. If you are firm, she'll be able to make something of HERSELF. Which is as it should be.
I agree with you on everything, but I think you could extend her weekend curfew by one hour. I've talked to many moms about this very issue (and posted on this site), and many moms of good kids give them a 12:30 curfew on weekends.
Remember, this is their transition phase, and if you hold the reins too tight now, they will usually go nuts once they are on their own, which isn't really what we want. So a happy medium is in order.
Also, your daughter has earned this independence because she is showing herself to be responsible, as you say.
Just because she is turning 18 doesn't mean anything should change. Don't even bring it up. She knows her curfew, she knows the rules. She's still in highschool so those rules and times should remain in place.
If she chooses to make a bad choice and move out, let her. Don't give her any support, but be there to talk to her at all times. I pray she chooses to stay at home and live under the rules.
Let her know that you appreciate how well she is doing in school and work first when you start this conversation. 10 o'clock during the weeknights is completely reasonable since she has school early in the morning. On weekends she should be allowed to stay out a little later and establish a call when you get there and set a reasonable time to come home depending on what she is doing. The check in phone call was a big thing in my house and it seems to work if they are responsible enough and have built up your trust you can then become more leanient