It's always nice to have your grown kids come home for a while, but not if they can't deal with the household rules. I suggest that you write up what they need to do in order to remain as participating members of your family, set up a meeting with them, ask them what they think they should be contributing, and have them sign a contract that they will abide by the rules you have worked out together.
I'd give them 30 days notice that if they can't stick to the contract they'll have to find another place to live. Make sure you stick to it too - don't do their laundry and tell them to clean up the mess they and the dog make!
A little about me - I'm 62 years old and the mother of 2 boys aged 37 and 35, both married. I have 1 grandchild and 2 grand-dogs.
Well I can't say what the best thing to do is but if it were my boy I would first make a contract to pay rent and what their responsibilities are in the home. Then if there is no respect for space or the home I would ask nicely and then take there clothes and throw them in their room even if they are wet from the washer. If they don't clean up after their dog then the dog has to go. If the young couple doesn't want to clean up after themselves then they need to find another place to live. That will force them to really appreciate their mother. I am sure it is a situation that is not easy and I am sure frustrating I know in every family you must do what is most important for all and it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope it can work out.
I don't have this problem yet, my oldest is 15. But if I were you I would either start charging them a maids fee, for cleaning after them. Or I would start to gather up all their mess, or their dogs mess and put it in their rooms. Its your house, and even though they are paying rent, you are living in the same space, so they need to be respectful of that. Put your foot down, or just start throwing stuff away. It wont take long before they start to pick up after themselves.
I am so glad that you are still here for your kids! I can only imagine what you must have been through so thank God you are doing well! I have to say I am surprised that you have allowed your son's girlfriend to move in with you. What is the reason for that? Are you trying to keep him close by giving in to his demands? I know at 19 I was legally an adult, but I still acted like a child most of the time. I didn't think about the consequences of my choices and I took my family for granted. I think the only thing I would have responded to was some very firm limits that were clear and enforced. As long as you and your husband put up with this, nothing will change. They are certainly not going to stop taking advantage of you just because they suddenly decided it wasn't the right thing to do and even though your son is 19 it is still your job to set the example. The example you are setting right now is that you are to be walked all over whenever convenient. You and your husband need to tell them exactly how you feel about their behavior, decide what you will and will not tolerate, and what the consequences will be if they don't do what you tell them to do and then DO IT! Backing down is the worst thing you can do because all you are doing is teaching them that your feelings and the respect that you say you deserve are not really important. Also, you are teaching the other children that you don't mean it when you say they need to respect and obey you. Do the other children ask why you put up with it? I hope you have the energy for all of this because it is not a small order! Your son may be thinking he is ready to be a man, but you just tell him that anyone who can't clean up after himself or do his own laundry doesn't get to call himself a grown up!
I would sit them down and tell them straight up that if you are going to be their maid the rent will be going up to cover for the maid service and it's not going to be cheap. If they don't like it...there is the door. Or take their clother out of the washer or dryer and place them in a trash bag and if they don't want to share the job of doing dishes, I would just cook enough food for the rest of the family. Don't let them know what time dinner will be served...no chores no dinner! Don't let them run over you. Where is the father..he should put his foot down...or out the door. I have 3 sons and a daughter and they have all lived with me at one time or the other...they would all pitch in and help with chores and give me money for rent and food...my sons all know how to do laundry, cook and clean up after themselves...my daughter would cook and clean up as she has children of her own..I have to admit...my family is not lazy..they have done their own laundry,cook and do chores at an early age because I had to work 2 jobs. My family has been great in helping. I love them so much...they are my world.
your husband is right! Just because they pay rent doesn't mean they get a maid,too!!!! Talk to them again and tell them exactly what you'd like them to do. If there's no improvement from their end, don't do their laundry, their dirty dishes, etc. etc. If they still don't get the message, it's time for them to move out and get their own place to trash or to hire their own maid. Or get a maid but let your son and his girl pay for her services!!Good luck and stay healthy!
Lay some firm boundries down and communicate them to your son and his girlfriend. Let them know that just because they pay rent and work that there are other house responsibilities that they need to contribute to also. Let them know that in thier own home they can do or don't do whatever they please, but for now they are sharing a home with others and it's only fair that everyone does thier share. I've lived with family myself and that could be one of the hardest living situations ever, but its something that needs to be addressed or could end up causing alot of strife and resentment and can even damage relationships. I would suggest calling a family meeting with them. Calmly and positively let them know how you feel and what you expect from them both. I would also suggest letting them know that if they don't like it or respect how you feel then they know where the door is, because ultimately it is your home and your the one doing them a favor. They are (I am assuming) two perfectly capable adults that can fend for and support themselves. But if they want whatever benefit they are recieving living with you, then I would imagine they should respect you and do as you say.
I can sympathize with you, as I have a 21 year old step-son (been w/ me since age 5) who we had to kick out of the house because of this mentality. He's had to move back in a couple of times (briefly) over the past 2 years and has been much more respectful and helpful. Sometimes people have to be "shocked" into doing the right things.
On another note, I congratulate you on recovering from brain cancer. I'm sure it's been a long road for you. I do health and nutritional counseling and specialize in cancer patients. If you ever feel like you need to take more proactive measures, I'd love to talk with you.
Why is it always sons who get taken in, ALONG with girlfriends???? If one of my girls asked to come home with boyfriend the answer would be NO. I would think that having had brain cancer, your son should value you above rubies, not DUMP on you...you and your husband should form a united front and say "bye bye " to them. Tell your son when he learns some respect, then come enad talk to you. You don't need the extra work, stress, and aggravation that he hand the girlfriend have dumped on you.....you're blessed to be alive, now stand up to your lazy son and his lazy girlfriend...I say this with love as your son wil NOT repsect you so long as you put up with his "stuff".. I'll be praying for you and your YOUNG family who need you very much.
I've been down this road many times with my now grown children (son 39, daughter 37). Having adult children living in our homes is complicated at best as running into cultural and maturity clashes is inevitable. What may help is to call a household meeting with the purpose of discussing job sharing...being clear with everyone that if living together is going to work, then the work must be shared. Be specific about who does what and when.
Regards, Martha
I have raised 2 boys and i still have 2 teenage boys at home. I have been blessed that the first 2 are wonderful housekeepers and i am still working on the 2 at home. When i moved out here i had to stay with my 30 year old son for a short time and he informed me as i would have informed him that if there is a mess in his home, clean it up or find another place to go!! I was proud of him for respecting himself that way as we should all do, and how (he) respected the way i had brought him up.
Discuss this with them. Be clear about what your needs are and what your expectations are, about what the rent they pay entitles them to, etc. Be firm, like you would with any renter. If you enjoy them living there, say that too, but that this and this is unacceptable. Let them know that your relationship with them is too precious to let these things come between you, and they will, if left unaddressed. Also ask them about what is hard for them and what they like about living with you. Open, honest communication while not taking anything personal goes a looooong way in addressing situations like this.
PS Pat yourself on the back for your ability to open your doors to them in the first place!
I would sit down and talk to them and set some rules as to who takes care of what chores. Being clear as to who takes care of dishes, laundry, etc. Just because you are a stay at home mom does not mean that you should take care of all the housework. It is good that they pay you rent, but since they also live there, everyone should contribute cleaning. Having a schedule of who does what chores when is useful, so they can plan to do the dishes, laundry, dusting, etc. This way they are not wondering when or how they can help.
Good luck.
Hi Diann! I am reading your story with tears in my eyes. Having to take care of two step childeren, your own childeren, uphold a stay at home business and all on top of your medical blessing--you deserve a break. I am a step parent to a 4 year old daughter and a mother of an 11mo. old daughter as well. I am experiencing the beauty and challenges of both first hand---you are a very strong woman with a very giving heart. You cannot save the world, and you are not doing your family or grown up childeren a favor by handicapping them--set them free--don't throw them on the street but set a deadline for them to find a new living situation. Then get back to being able to enjoy life. You have conquered so much already. Also, look within yourself, you may have a need to be "needed" and in doing so, place yourself in these situations. Finally, Oprah.com has a book "A new earth" with a free 10 week course online. Register, to take-you are ripe for it. Many hugs on your journey-KoriAnn
I am amazed with the response I have recieved on my request!!! Reading through the 30+ replies I have gotten just within 24 hours is just wonderful!! I read every reply, and I do appreciate all of the advice. However there were a few that were quite hurtful!
My husband and I sat down with my son and his girlfriend this morning and we both expressed our problems and/ or concerns. I do feel they did their best to understand what we were saying. Infact, within minutes after speaking with them, they were in the kitchen doing the dishes. Now, I am not a total fool, we will see how long it lasts.
However, to those of you who believe that if others are not raising their children the way you believe is proper I appreciate your response. I disregaurd your opinion as being narrow minded and a bit cold hearted. I logged on to this place to express my feelings and/ or my troubles in hopes of finding similar families and moms to share my pain or joyfulness, not to be talked down to, or to be made to feel as if I were sinful! Thank you to all of those who read and responded with encouragement.
Gina V. from Mesa please send me another note so that I may contact you.