I think as adults we are all too hung up on 'labels'.
It's just a name, really, and maybe you might not want to attach too much significance on it?
Your older kids already know they are different, anyway, because they go away and visit their dad, but not the baby? I understand wanting minimize the differences, but it's just a name.
I suggest you continue to allow your kids call your husband by his name if that's what they've always done. Choosing something else for them to call him now will seem awkward and forced, in my opinion.
Unless they can come up with an idea of another name and it's their choice. But they get to call their real father "Dad". How will your youngest feel? Won't he want to have a "Dad" in his life too?
My kids refer to my husband as "BD" (bonus-dad) sometimes, just because he and decided we didn't really like the negative connotation that "step-mom" or "step-dad" has. But mostly just call him by his first name, as they always have since they've known him (almost three years now).
His two kids call me by my first name.
My kids know who their father is, they visit him every week, and they call him Dad.
We aren't having any children together, though, so we don't really have the same issue that you have.
I suppose what I am attempting to say here is they probably don't care. It's more for you than for them.
I would talk to your kids and explain to them why this is important. Then ask them for ideas on what is comfortable for them. They may suprise you.
Hi Emily,
I have a half-sister that had a really hard time with feeling like she belonged anywhere once I came along. Blended families were not as common then so my Mom did the best she could (weren't any real resources to go to for advice). But in hindsight, it has really affected my sister as an older child and now adult. The good part is that your kids have each other, so no matter what happens (despite good intentions, emotions and insecurities always muck up the picture) there is a sibling that is 100% theirs. But this is what my sister said:
"I think having a shared title for "Dad" is a really good thing. And YES…it would have made a difference. And while I LOVE the idea of another language, it shouldn't be another language for "Dad" because, they are saying the exact word they are trying to get around. But, if the older kids don't mind it so much, then I say go for it. The baby should be able to call its father, daddy, just like you are trying to respect the older kids right (plus, why take that pleasure away from your husband). However, if the older kids are feeling uncomfortable with the "Dad" other language thing, then I would suggest a nickname…it should be something for the older kids to call him, which makes them feel special because "they" have something to call him that only the family might understand…it should be something the baby can call him if he wants to, but they should not take away "Dad" from the baby when he/she is old enough to understand what's going on. The baby would just call it both names when it's older. This is an identity thing and when kids are in grade school…it's all about having a "Dad" and "Mom" and if he/she is calling "Dad" something other than that, it could cause turmoil later in life, which the parents probably wouldn't know about nor really understand.
So…after all of that (I was thinking as I was writing), I would suggest the nickname. Something special for the older kids, something the baby can use until he/she can understand the difference and something that makes "Dad" and "Mom" comfortable. Just don't take the title "Dad" away from the baby…
Idea for nickname: Have each child list words that best describe their Step-Dad and then cross reference the words and then look those words up in another language. For example: Some friends of mine call each other "Shots" which is totally misspelled. But, it means "sweetheart" and for them…that is special."
And on a side note. My sister called my father by his name but I never got confused as to what I was supposed to call him. He was my Dad. But in reading the above note from you and then from my sister, it seems that your request is so the baby doesn't get confused and it really seems like it should be to honor the relationship he has with the older kids. Your baby is a sponge. It won't get confused. And by the way, I have a three year old and we have just taught our daughter our names (I work in events and have had to ask one too many lost kids what their parents name was only to have them say, "mom". - I can't ask for Mom to come to the show office and I hate announcing that there is a lost child - you never know what freak is listening). Anyway, my point is - every once in a while, she'll try and use our first name to be funny - we simply tell her that she calls us Mom and Dad and other people call us by our name. She get's it.
Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck!
Definitely ask the older kids what they're inclinations are. They might take it the wrong way to have to change that they call their step dad just because a new baby is coming. You might inadvertently be sending a message that the family now revolves around this new baby.
There is no way to avoid the fact that yours is a blended family. It seems to me the names at present and having your baby call him dad would appropriately reflect reality. Just be matter of fact about it.
What about father in Hebrew "Aba" is how it is pronounced (I'm not sure how to make my computer type in Hebrew). It is easy for the new baby to say and it sounds nothing like father or dad in English.
Well, I have a "half" sister (my only sibling, so I don't really think of her as half. We share the same dad. Anyway, she is older than me and called my mom by her first name until I was about 5 or so and she was 8. When she felt comfortable, my sister just switched. Maybe it was because I always called her mom. I don't know, I should ask her.
I don't think it is a good idea to force the label thing on your older kids. I never called my mom by her first name or was confused.
My daughter has tried out the calling both her dad and I by our first names, just because she hears other people using them. I think that is normal. We just correct her.
My sister still calls my mom mom and her kids call her grandma, because she is. She has earned that after many, many years. There will always be differences. My sister has a mother that is her own. She also has a special relationship with her step-mother. That relationship is totally different from my relationship with my mother. Some of that is due to the natural born and step thing. Some of it is just due to personality differnces like it would be with any set of siblings.
This is a hard stuation. You should talk to the older kids. Maybe they would like to be part of deciding what they call him. They may want to comtinue to call him by his first name and you should respect that. However, maybe it has been long enough that they would like to switch, but don't know how to do it either.
Hi Emily,
I think you are on to something with "dad" in another language! What is your husbands (or your)heritage? Could you draw a name from there?
Good Luck,
Vicki
The family that I nanny for is a blended family as well. They have a little girl together (2 1/2) and the mother has two older children (9 and 13). The 9 and 13 year olds call their step-dad by his first name and their step-mom (both parents are remarried) by her first name. The little girl is not confused at all and has always known that "Bob" is the older two kids dad and her daddy is her dad.
Ask your kids how they feel and what they would want to call their step-dad. I know that I would HATE IT if my children called another woman "mom". I am there mom.
I don't see anything wrong with first names, your youngest will not be confused.
Laura
Have you talked to the kids about your concern? Any discussion, decision should include them because it concerns them. You have done such a good job so far.
A couple of ideas.
What is your ethnic heritage? Find the word for father in your ethnic heritage and use that.
Another idea is to have your older kids brainstorm the idea with you--that would give them real "possession" of the name. Have them look up a variety of names for father and bring them to the "table" and discuss them with you.
Good luck. Think of this as fun and an adventure.
Congratulations to your entire family on the baby.
I have a 15 year old stepdaughter and two younger daughters with my husband (3 and 11 mos) My stepdaughter has always called me by my first name, and I think it would be very strange to have asked her to call me something else. My 3 year old does not seem confused when her older sister calls me by my name (although yes, I did worry about it when she was a baby). Now it;s not a problem, but I did ask my stepdaughter to please refer to me as "mommy" when she's talking to my daughter (for example saying "go ask Mommy" instead of "go ask Amy") She had no problem doing this and completely understood my feelings. However, I think it would have been a little much to ask her to start calling me something else entirely.
Hi,
My name is Sherry, I am 62 years old and I have 5 children, 20 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. I live in Auburn, WA. I am raising my 3-year-old great granddaughter.
When my husband and I had a son together I would always refer to husband as Papa when talking to the baby. I found myself using the same term when talking to my husband. "Hi Papa Love, what do you want for supper?" My older children from a previous marriage had been calling my husband by his first name but when taking to their baby brother they would refer to Papa. Within a few weeks my wonderful husband was Papa to all of us.
Today, more than 30 years later, the kids, grandchildren, and great grandchildren still call him Papa. And so do I.
Sincerely,
Sherry Storms
How about "papa"? It's what my Indian brother-in-law calls his dad.
what fo they call stepmom? you could also ask for their opinions.
Good Luck
Paula