First and foremost you need to take time for yourself and for your children. If they saw this abuse then they need healing time also. I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years, he had me spinning so much that I thought it was my fault. Once my daughter was born and he was abusive to me infront of her I decided I didnt want her to grow up thinking that this behavior was ok.
I didnt date for a while as I was worried I would pick the same type of man. When I did start to date I wrote down items that I was looking for in a man. Example: good to his parents, if he has kids he puts them first, if he has an ex that he is considerate and kind to her, he honors his family, he has a job and has had it for a long time, his friends are long time friendship and are all good citizens....
Once I started to date I didnt introduce to my daughter until after several months and she didnt meet all of the guys (I only dated 4 men until I found my new husband.
My new husband has all of those qualitys, but I would of never found him if I didnt heal myself and my daughter first. Take time to love and care for yourself and your children before you date. Find out why you ended up in the marriage that you did and also look and figure out why you are now seeking men that "need" you.
Take care.
Christine, There is a great resource called the Enneagram. It is a study of the 9 different personality types . I highly recommend to anyone and everyone to learn their Enneagram style and then to work to unlock from the limitations that each style brings. I cannot believe that they let us out of high school let alone get married and have children without this resource. I too am a helper person and I too have paid a high price for this way of relating to myself and others. you can go to www.enneagraminstitute.com and take the online test. I recommend buying The Wisdom Of The Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson. you can buy it on the site. I have been studying with Don and Russ for the last 4 years and they are wise and compassionate teachers. The quality of my life has improved so much as a result of my willingness to look deeply at myself and learn other ways of being in the world without my "helper" identity. Best of luck to you! Heather
You are always looking for a fixer upper. You and your kids certainly deserve more than that. There are a lot of men that social outcasts by choice. Be very careful about which kind you are surrounding yourself with. I thought my ex was a funny quirky outcast... there are reasons why some do not fit in... and never will. Not to sound cruel, but having been in that world... my biggest fears became that my children would learn or not learn important social skills and would become outcasts themselves. You should get a therapist or a close friend to lay out what they see and think. My close friends were afraid to tell me what they saw me doing...my best friend told me what I was doing and offered her love to me, but not her support for my "odd relationship" While we are being honest, I am a repeat offender of finding outcasts. I have a nice guy now... and trust me... it is nice. Nice to go someplace and know I will not want to crawl into a hole or feel afraid of what the "odd" one will do or say. Fixer uppers are too much work for a good mom with three kids. You should not have to teach social skills to anyone but your kids.
I am on my second marriage but when I too got divorced I was worried about marrying again. The one thing that scared me the most was hearing that unless you get some help and get "well" you will only repeat yourself. You have to figure out why you married (and stayed) with your husband or you will find another guy with the same qualities and repeat the process, maybe not to the same extreme, but it is like any thing else in life. To get over an addiction, you have to find the root of it or you will just trade off, food for cigerattes, alchol for food or tv for etc, etc etc. I invested in some therapy after my divorce and 2 years later married my soul mate. When I was dating I had firm boundaries and knew what I would "put up" with and still be happy and what I would not tolerate, so I rarely went on a second date with guys I immediately scratched off my "list" because life is too short to "change" somebody else, not that you can or should, and life is too short to be unhappy and once you know what will make you happy go for it! It is not your "job" to take care of anybody but you and your kids, a mate is supposed to help bring you up not bring you down or make you miserable.
Hope this all made sense. Good luck!
Okay,
It is normal for you to be attracted to non threatening men following a relationship of abuse. What you should do is find out more about the man's disability. People with asperger's lead very healthy normal lives. You just have to figure out if it will affect you and your kids.
We all over analyze unfortunately thats how women are.
Good luck!
Thank you all for your kindness. I did leave out some significant facts, sorry. I left my ex in early 2004. My kids are 5, 8, and 15. The 15 yr old does not live with me. I have no idea where one lady thought I was a nurse, I have never been! I DO KNOW that I have dedicated the last 4 years to my children. I am seeing someone professionally for issues that continue to plague me concerning both my past and other issues of even greater significance. I have dated, but rarely. My children are my first priority and always will be.
I am not considering marriage to any of these men. The first 2 are completely in the past and the third is only a friend, I wanted to know the information regarding Asperger’s because I am attracted to him, but I have never thought that an attraction means consideration for marriage. I am concerned with the apparent pattern of attraction to socially challenged men…
The one response I found that really hit home is the lady who said that I may be attracted because I think a “normal” man will turn out like my ex. That made me pause and think…
Thank you again, ladies, I do have some serious considerations (about myself) ahead of me… I just am too overwhelmed to even think at the moment, so needed some outside influence. Thanks and Merry Christmas!