SAHM wondering how others deal with family finances

Family & Parenting Marriage & Relationships
21

Jessie, some men are that way, must have control. I would suggest you find something you can do and do it from home. I don't have the same problem, but mine spouse reminds me periodically of the things he has purchased for me, so to put a stop to that, I started working from home with a company that pays me. This way, I buy what I need and want.

I work with a team of SAHM's and SAHD's and we get together with members of the team every day, but via the phone, so it gives adult time as well. I would love to talk to you about it. So email me at [email protected]. I absolutely love what I do.

22

I never thought I would actually respond to one of these, but in this case feel that I should. Finances are always a problem in a relationship and need to be addressed. Try and talk to your husband - don't feel pressurized that "tonight" is the night - leave it until you feel the time is right and both of you are receptive to "chatting". Tell him your concerns and that you need a budget to work with. This budget could pay food / clothes etc - and then its up to you to use it wisely and have some left for you. Another suggestion is (I see you are a SAHM) - get together with other moms in the area and start a small play group. You'll look after their kids say three afternoons a week and they pay you for it. This money is then YOURS to spend on what ever you want - even if its a small gift for your husband! Another option is to cook home-made dinners that people can pop in and collect on their way home. (Not sure what your legalities with all this is though!). Good luck. Oh, and by the way, this answer comes all the way from South Africa, from an older Mom of 4 (15, 17, 19 and 21 years old). Have fun! Jenni Brown.

23

Hi Jessie - I don't know if this will be of any help, but here goes - When my husband and I got married (actually we lived together for a year first - so starting THEN) we sat down & decided how things were gonna work. I'd stay home with the kids (my oldest was 6 mos old at that point) & take care of the kids, making my hubby's lunch & stuff for work, cleaning the house, caring for the yard (mowing, raking, etc), doing all laundry & dishes, do all the cooking & running errands,taking care of the finances. He would go to work (he has a very physical job & works his toosh off every day) & be sure to bring home the money. Plus any side work he got.

HOWEVER - ALL THE MONEY THAT HE EARNED WAS BOTH OF OUR MONEY. We NEVER EVER had "his money" and "my money". That's, in my opinion, LUDACRIS!!!! You're married, what's yours is mine & what's mine is yours.

Now, I don't want anyone to think I'm a slave in my own home, bc I"m certainly not. I WANTED to be the stay at home mom. I enjoy doing the things I do. I love cooking, cleaning is 2nd nature to me & I thoroughly enjoy taking care of my kids ( i was even going to homeschool them but my hubby feels i need a break!!!). I don't mind keeping up the yard & stuff ... and I personally enjoy taking care of the finances & paying the bills b/c I make sure thigns get paid & on time.

Now I hope no one thinks that my husband doesn't do anything aside from work either - he takes care of all the cooking on the weekends & sometimes I help bc i love to cook. He helps clean up as well, He lets me sleep in sometimes & take the kids to the playground so i can rest. We do yard work together on the weekends, along with other things. He's very hands on with our boys & spends alot of time with them. He's a great guy & a terrific father & husband. But we had an agreement. I dont' have to work as long as things around here are done, bills are all paid in full & on time & dinner's on the table when he comes home from work. Simple enough.

As far as just the finances - I know what you mean. I don't ever buy anything for myself, but if I WANTED to, I could. The point is that I take care of the money. He makes the check & deposits it & I take over from there.

I use my online banking to keep track of everything. I wouldn't say we live by a budget, but I do know what bills are due what week & I always make sure there's enough aside for food & gas. We barely EVER save any money - cause we don't make enough to save anything in all honesty. We live paycheck to paycheck most of the time. When we're lucky & he gets side jobs (hes a mechanic & a damn good one) that money is for all our "extras" like that book I wanted, or a movie to rent, going out to eat, or going out to a movie, or out for a trip to the zoo, etc....

I feel the way you do sometimes too - my husband buys little things here & there. But I keep a list =0) & when he attempts to attack me over a purchase I pull out that list & say "oh yea? too bad! if it's such a problem - YOU STOP BUYING SH!t!"

He apologizes & says that he doesn't really care at all if I get anything I want - but that he was just stressing b/c an extra bill came in or that one of our kids needs the money for sports sign ups, etc...

We always find a way to work things out in the end. I've learned to just trust God & that's it. He always makes sure we get what we need.

If you feel like you're not appreciated then you'd better have a VERY serious talk with your husband. My hubby, since we've been married has done this to me 2 times now (we've been together 6 yrs) and the first time I cried & wrote lists to show him exactly what I do. One time however, I went 'on strike'. I'd take care of the kids, not make his lunch, make canned soup for dinner instead of the chicken parm or stuffed shells, etc that he's used to - and he had to make it himself, I'd do only mine & the kids clothes - let him do his own. I did everything with a smile on my face & stayed happy & bubbly & practically ignored him, but when he talked, I'd answer just "matter of factly", not to be rude. HE STOPPED GIVING ME CRAP RIGHT AWAY & APOLOGIZED. That was the LAST time he's ever made a comment about me staying home while he works.

If your hubby is acting this way then maybe if talking to him doesn't work, you should go to counceling. Or even find a mutual person you can both vent to who can be fair, etc. Good luck & God Bless.

24

Having been through this myself as a SAHM and working with people on personal finances I would advise you to check out counseling on the marital level and finances. You do have worth financially. When a life insurance agent comes to your home he or she would ask your hubby how much it would cost him for daycare, chauffeur, maid and so on. You would be surprised at home many men don't realize what SAHMs do.

Money problems are usually a control issue. It is a behavior. Try the couseling first, then work with someone who can put a good plan together for both of you.

Blessings on your endevor!

Lisa B

25

I can't see how it would work in marriage to think of money as split between two. Legally, it is common property. You definitely do work that has a financial value, but still, no one is paying you, so you can't pay bills out of what you don't have. You and your husband have to think of "his" money as belonging to both of you, or else it will always be a thorn in your side. His money is your money, your bills his bills. Any vacation money belongs to both. . .you're both enjoying the vacation, and you can't pay for your share anyway.
I am sort of a SAHM and a full time professional at the same time (my job is very flexible and I work from home a lot), and my husband works. My husband is extremely careful about money for a multitude of reasons. Like yours perhaps, he is very worried about the recent downturn in the economy. Every pay cycle, he allots what should be our discretionary (purely personal), and we divide it in half. Sometimes it's $50, usually it's only $20 for two weeks. This may not seem like a lot, but we're so busy that we don't have time to spend money! I have certainly cheated by putting some things on a card, but for the most part try to stick to it. Although he can be a little rigid about it, he has been able to save impressively.
I don't know if this is the case, but you may want to watch out for controlling behavior. It is infantilizing to ask your husband for money, as if you were a teenager asking Dad. I would feel humiliated too! Try to discuss it calmly with him, and ask to see your family budget. Good luck!

26

Would a part time job be feasible for your situation? Retail positions don't pay much, but do offer "mommy hours" and will work with your schedule. Also, perhaps a home based business in direct sales (home parties). I actually have a direct sales business that I started for extra income when I had my daughter. You set your own schedule. If you did 1 or 2 home parties a week, you could make $100-$200 each week for your own discretionary spending. ie. YOUR MONEY. If home parties is something you think may work for you, there are tons of them available. Make sure you love the products, it's your best way to insure your success.

You may also want to try couciling with hubby to find an acceptible arrangement to compensate you for your six-figure position as well. SAHMs are valued in the 6 figure range as well so you are absolutely contributing the same value (if not more) than your husband. He needs to understand it's a partnership and a family.

Best of luck to you.
Ali

27

I also SAH and feel like I don't have my own money. I do not need permission to spend at all (NO WAY!) but DH always asks what was this for, etc because he is a detail freak and it all goes into the computer budget. That drives me insane enough (though I am cool with it). If I had to have my purchases approved I would feel like a child. That needs to stop!

You guys need to sit down and discuss this but not when an issue comes up. He may be getting the paycheck but your family contribution has a huge value. You have two babies!! I don't think it would be helpful to get into a tit for tat where your contribution is given a monetary value, aside from pointing out the obvious that there are A LOT of expenses if you go back to work. Many women barely clear any cash by the time all the daycare, clothing, commuting, convenience foods, etc is paid for.

I don't think it makes any sense to assign you a "salary" and be splitting bills and vacation spending or anything like that. That seems like it might exacerbate the problem. You guys need to get at a place where you are working as a unit. The money he makes is for your family. It's not his vs yours. His job is to go to work and get paid and yours is to take care of the family. Another thing to remember is that often money fights are about a lot more than money. If he does not value your huge contribution to the family, there are bigger problems that you really need to address now and perhaps a therapist would be helpful.

I think I would start with a budget. I recommend this to everyone I know (everyone always has issues with their partner about finances). If you track all spending it can be very freeing for feeling like you (as a couple) do have money and it is helpful in setting financial goals. I think we use MS Money but there are various inexpensive products to do it. It's a little work up front, but ongoing not. It can make a huge difference. Your DH might feel strapped and if you can see after a couple months where all the $$ is going, that can really help you see where there is wiggle room.

We haven't yet figured out how to make me feel like I have my own money but every single financial talking head I have ever seen has said that both partners should have their own bank accounts, if only so that you could get out of a relationship if you needed to. It has also been suggested that couples decide a threshold where over whatever amount, you need to discuss it, under that you can spend.

I think if you guys have been trying to deal with this for a while and the conversation is going nowhere, perhaps you should consider talking to a professional. That can provide a lot of clarity for people. You cannot continue to feel undervalued in the family. It's not good for any of you.

28

Hello Jessie, You have a very difficult situation on your hands. My sister lives like that and she works! I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom, and I have a husband that treats me as an equal. YOU ARE EQUAL, and you have to find a way to stand strong and not take that, you deserve more. Don't forget without you, he'd have to pay for a daycare, accountant, housekeeper, etc. You're value is at about $90-$140K according to OPRAH! Have you ever thought of working a home-based business. I've decided to try it out and so far I enjoy it a great deal. I'm promoting a company I truly believe in, and feel good about sharing with my friends and family. If you're interested, visit my website, put in your information (click get more info) and i'll call you and we'll have a no obligation chat. I will show you how you can generate an income for yourself. You NEED something to call your own, especially in your situation. YOU HAVE VALUE, LOADS OF IT. I'm sure you love you husband, otherwise you wouldn't have married him. Show him you are strong, you need this for YOU and your children. One other question, was he like this before you married him? GO to my website www.mommasdreambiz.com or email me directly at [email protected]. I'm here for you. Join our team, and you'll grow in many ways, and always have the support of other stay at home moms like you. Cheryl :)

29

Jessie,

I feel for you, I truely do. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years. I came from Corporate America and going from a very nice paycheck to nothing was extremely hard. My husband & I sat down, I explained to him that we both made the decision for me to be home with our children and that I didn't ever want him to put me in the position where I felt like I was begging for money. He gives me a check each week that goes for the groceries, gas and anything else I need. I am careful what I spend but also know that if I happend to need a little extra all I have to do is let him know. Try to sit down with your husband and have a financial discussion. Express to him how you feel, you're married, whats his is yours and whats yours is his :-)

30

Jessie, I think simply put, you need to go back to work. I think everyone who becomes a Mom wants nothing more than to stay at home with their babies. No mother wants to drag their kids out of bed, pack bags/bottles/diapers and drop their crying babies off to a daycare, but, sometimes reality is -- financially we may need to. have you thought of maybe working a later shift?? your husband could have them while you perhaps waitress a few nights per week or possibly your own business (pampered chef, candles, athena etc...) sorry, I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear, but it sounds like being a SAHM is just not financially a sound decision for your family. best of luck.. Laura C.

31

I am not a SAHM so I can't say that I understand or really have any advice to you on how to deal with your current issue. I really never wanted to stay at home, because no matter how much of a "value" they claim a stay at home mother has...their is no real money coming in. And to say someone would need to pay an accountant, a housekeeper, and ect is also unrealistic because MANY women who work outside the home still do all of those things. The only real finance you save by staying at home is not having to pay day care expenses. I am not saying though that every woman should go to work. Its a family decision. In my family I make the larger paycheck and my husband carries the insurance, so staying at home is not a possibility for me. Even if it where I would probably still work. Your husband carries all of the burden of paying the bills and depending on how he is maybe he also worries about college expenses and retirement savings as well. So even though he may seem unreasonable, he is making it financially possible for you to to stay at home by making sure that money being spent is necessary. I am not sayng you aren't worth spending money on, but is the money really there to be spent??? An at home business might work well for you so that all the money earned is yours without question on how to spend it. An also keep this in mind, where you may not have an income the ability to be with your children everyday all day caring for them, playing with them and seeing their every milestone is priceless!! Might I add that even though I work outside the home all day, I bring my daughter to work with me 3 out of 5 days. So I get to see my daughter and earn a paycheck :O)

32

Hi Jessie,

First, I'd like to know if your staying home is a mutual decision between you and your husband. Second, your husband doesn't "own" you; you are not his nanny, you are his wife, and as such, you should be able to say when you or the family need something, that you need to purchase. You should be running by him your going shopping, but not have to necessarily ask for permission or money. This is not healthy.

If you both decided on it, then there must also be some give in regards to the spending, in that you should have some sort of "regular" amount of money you could use for yourself per pay check. I've only been a SAHM since January, and I'm barely getting to like it. I'd been working all of my life (since 3 yo with my family)and come from a large family who believe that both parents should have a part in the income. The only reason I've been at home is because we moved accross the country for a better paying job for my husband, and we decided I stay home on unemployment to slowly look for work. Unfortunately, finding work now has been tough (the economy, of course). I've come to find out how hard it is to stay at home, always busy doing something. It just seems that I work so much more now, than I did when I was at work 12 hrs a day. I'm tired more often, and I feel like I'm always in a hurry. It's certainly not easy, and like you, my husband had begun to treat me a little like yours treats you. I finally got tired of it, and ended up blowing up on him. I demanded he help me at least 2 nights if not 3 nights a week, that he at least put his own things away or put things back from where he got them, and stop eating out every day at lunch, so that I have a little spending money too.

This talk was 3-4 weeks ago, and this week is the first week he began to take his lunch. We've compromised he take lunch 3-4 days a week, and eat out the other. The $ saved from his taking lunch will essentially be saved to use for whatever I like, and in hindsight, we're still spending as much as if he were eating out, so nothing has changed. On the other hand, I'm also in charge of managing our bills, so I do have a say on how much he could spend too. I type up all of our bills on a spreadsheet, complete with our current balance, so that he could see how much we have left to spend until pay day. This helps him to see, so that he doesn't think I'm pulling one over him. He's ultimately been more understanding, and been doing a bit more, but I've learned to talk to him as soon as I feel there's a problem, rather than blowing up again. It's worked well, but I know not all men are as understanding as my husband. I also take the time to thank him for providig for me and the kids, and putting up with me and the complaints I now have, that I never had when I worked, and for anything he does that makes me feel appreciated. That seems to help him to give me more assistance. I do wish you luck, and hope that you find a way to fix your relationship with your husband.

Mari

33

I'm shocked some moms' replies to you are "go back to work." Wow, is that we handle things? The problem spans far beyond you bringing home a paycheck, don't you think? It goes into your husband's communication with you and his feelings against you as an equal. You are working every day, too! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you open to marriage counseling? My husband and I have gone before with other issues and it helped tremendously. It helped me see the wrongs on both sides and helped us communicate better as a team. that's the problem here-- you're not working as a team. I'm sure there is an easy solution for you both, but perhaps it will take some communication to get there. Also, I know my husband has a hard time talking about money--especially when we are broke. He is embarrassed to tell me 'no' because it makes him feel like he is not providing well enough. So, also give him the benefit of the doubt. Even though we take care of the kids, cleaning and so forth, they do have an added stress. So, find a way to work as a team and maybe try counseling to get there. (But going back to work will not solve all your problems!!! Your kids need you.) Hang in there and good luck, Dana

34

Jessie,
I feel your pain in the ass.... The only difference between you and I is that I do work part time outside the house but my husband is so um, let's say frugal, that my spending any amount of money is unjustified. We tried having my money go into a sep. bank account to pay bills from but my check just didn't come close to covering the household expenses now that we have a child. Needless to say, my husband grew up with parents who didn't save a dime and I think that has made him paranoid, we married with him having a considerable bank account which has grown into equity and cash thanks to my good family business decisions. He just doesn't get that - all he sees are the lack of 0's on his bank statement. Long story short, I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday so that I can see what my LEGAL rights are.... If you'd like I can get back to you on what Mass. law says a wife and mother's LEGAL value is. That would be more effective for my husband than a net worth that I had printed out from various website's (Don't you know that they are biased towards mom's?? LOL)

35

Sounds like somewhere along the line, you two stopped working as a team! I'm going to assume your husband probably has money in the stock market and is stressing over financial security. Is there a chance his job may be in jeopardy? I have the feeling that there are some things he is not saying and you need to be on the same page together.

While I don't have any children yet, I always believed I would be a SAHM, because that is how I was raised. I started a home-based business about 4 years ago. This was partly because we live in the country and there is little for employment opportunities here, but also to see if I could succeed before having children. It started as selling stuff around the house on Ebay, and gradually I've added items that I manufacture myself. Think long and hard about what talents you have and how you could use those abilities to give yourself that little bit of independence you're missing. There are a lot of financial benefits to starting a home business as well.

How do we do our finances? Hubby pays the household bills, I pay for groceries and match the mortgage every month. He pays for home improvements, I make sure there's a hot meal on the table every night. We don't keep score, but we do discuss any major expenses. We maintain separate bank accounts. Some may disagree with this arrangement, but it works for us.

36

After I had my first child I worked full time. I always thought that SAHM were incredibly lucky and had always wished that I could stop working. After my second child I stopped working because financially it just didn't make sense. For those years I did not get any help from my husband without a fight. I always thought that women who stayed at home did not deserve any help from their husbands because it was their job to take care of the children and the home. I realized very quickly that the grass is always greener. I also realized that as much as it was tough to work full time with a child, I underestimated how nice a coffee break was or how much I took for granted talking with other women at work. I had this picture that I would be meeting girlfriends at the mall with our kids or having coffee while the kids played quietly in the other room. Ha Ha HA!!! Boy was I wrong! The reality was with two kids running around all day my house had never looked worse. What I didn't realize was that even when I was working, at least there wasn't anybody home during the day to make a mess. I spent much less time housekeeping than I did when I stayed at home. After baby number three I went back to work nights. My husband and I worked opposite hours. After a couple of months of that he said he had no idea how I did it. He said going to work was a vacation. Don't get me wrong, Staying home is a wonderful luxury for me. I am extremely lucky. I now stay home with my four kids. The big difference is now is that my husband knows how hard it is. He treats me as a total equal. Just this support completely changes my feelings about staying home.
I don't mean to ramble on. I don't think your husband is being mean or selfish. I just think that he doesn't understand. I am sure that he has his stresses at work and that is understandable, but you are raising your children and keeping up a home. This is hard work too. It is VERY rewarding, but it is hard work. Just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean that you are a prisoner. I don't care who's bringing home the money. Marriage and raising children is a joint effort. You certainly deserve to go out and buy a few books. Don't ignore this just to avoid an argument. It's never fun to argue, but this will never change unless you put your foot down. Maybe you could leave the kids for the day on a weekend and he will see how tough it can be. Whatever you do, you have to find a way to make him realize that you count too.

37

I remember reading something in Newsweek about what a mom's salary would be if she were compensated for all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, driving, coordinating, childcare, etc.

so I just quickly google-searched and found this
http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default.asp?tab=abt&cat=cat012&ser=ser041&part=Par499
about SAHM salaries. you will be pleasantly surprised about what you're worth.

insist on an allowance from "his" income so that you can spend as you wish - maybe in a separate account.

good luck!

38

Sounds like major issues are happening at your house! My husband works, a lot of hours, and I stay home with our 3 children. He feels that half of his paycheck is mine, because I work 24/7. We don't have seperate accounts, we don't count pennies to see who spent the most last month, and we only run purchases over $100 past eachother. What your husband is doing, in my opinion is unfair.

We are not a six figure income family either. If your husband is making that much, why is $35 in paperbacks such a big deal? He needs to back down a bit!

39

Jessie,

I'm sorry for your situation. Your husband needs to understand the true value of you staying home. I understand how you came up with a monatary value but you haven't included the true value your children are getting from you staying home with them. There is no way to measure that in dollars and sense. They are truely lucky to have their mom be able to stay home and be with them, no one else can give them that.

When my husband and I were trying to figure out if I could stay home my husband started paying all the bills from his salary and we figured we could manage. The other killer for us was that the daycare was almost 3/4 of my take home salary and I worked at least 45 minutes away -on a good day. To me it wasn't worth the time and money to be away from the baby and the stress it would put on me. You do need to tighten your belt but not to the point that you can't have a few dollars in your pocket.

As for your husband distributing the money, he needs to sit down with you and set up a budget that gives both of you some 'free' money that neither of you need to account to the other one for. This could be as small as $10 a week. This way you can stop and buy a book (however I would suggest going to the library and get some books out for you and for the kids, and stay for story time) or a coffee or go out to lunch with another mom and her kids. This is important -having your own money - and your husband needs to understand this. He needs to remember that you are his wife not his child and that he values you as such.

I know money is never an easy subject but your husband needs to stop being controlling and be a partner with you in this matter.

I hope this helps.

Leeanne M

40

I'd personally start charging him for daycare, maid service etc.Remember to charge him for anything you can come up with. mileage for taking his suits to/from the cleaners. Make him pay you $2 a load for washing his clothes. then $1 to dry them . or by the pound for drop off service. Call some local businesses and get prices for child care...etc. Also if he comes home and wonders what you do all day.. STOP DOING what you do all day except what you need to take care of you and the kids.. Day care here cost like $150 for first child second child is 10% off or so so ask those questions to a couple of day cares and call the expensive place and the home care ones as well. Just for prices ... Tell the why you are calling It will make thier day. As well as a laundromat. call a taxi company for prices/rates for taking a cab to run his suits to the cleaners for you. oh and don't forget to send him an itemized bill for all this.. He'll cough up the $35 for some books for you..and think it is a great bargin.. another thing to try is ask him if he will pay daycare so you can go back to work make him find child care.. I'm thinking he'll change his tune.. It worked with my current Husband .. my ex was awful you know i spent all his money?? I paid the bills and that was it he didn't earn much else.. and he refused to let me leave the kids with a sitter to go to work.. no wonder we are divorced ...best gift he ever gave me.