I highly recommend the books Love and Repect and Breaking The Communication Code by Dr. Eggerich (sp?). But, if you can get to one of his live conferences - that would be even better. He addresses exactly what you are going through, which many are going through, including my husband and I. He hits the nail on the head and has simple, effective answers. Most men won't read, or read along with you which is why I recommend the conference. You both will be listening and have a chance to talk about it. He doesn't bash men either - which many marriage conferences do and therefore men don't want to go. He's very balanced and shows both sides which is eye opening to many. It was to us. We still don't fight correctly - but we are working on it. He has opened our eyes to how we are talking to each other and how it is being received which keeps that bad ball rolling. My husband and I both now really watch what we say and when we mess up, we realize it ourselves usually since the conference and can fix it since we are more aware of how the other perceived it. I highly recommend both books and especially the conference for what you are describing!!!!! It's worth whatever money it takes to get you there - and hey- if it's out of town, make a mini vacation out of it. My husband and I have been married 14 years and are best friends, so it has been really hard admitting that we aren't getting along or trying as hard. It's still work even when you like each other. Little things add up and become a big thing. Dr. Eggerich explains how this has happened and what to do about it. Humble yourself and start focusing on how you can meet his needs and make him happy. He'll listen much better about your needs when he isn't worrying about his. Show him respect most of all - more than love. It works.
The book Love and Respect speaks directly to what you're describing. It's hard to get out of that cycle when resentment builds and you don't truly forgive.
I really hope that the new intimacy that you can find together once you break down those walls will show you how well worth it even your current pain is.
Take good care.
One thing my husband has done for me that is fast and inexpensive...He wrote on tiny fortune-cookie sized papers, "I love you. Tim." I think he did something like 30 of them. Then he hid them all over the house for me to find: one in my jewelry box, one under my hairbrush, one under my cell phone charger...You get the idea.
What I did for him was that I took a piece of paper and titled it, "Why I Love You." Then I listed little things he does that I appreciate but don't always say so. For example: "You always say 'I love you' before you walk out the front door. OR "You help fold laundry no matter how tired you are after work." It's a lot easier when you are happy with him but takes a lot more thought when you are feeling crabby.
I wrote this to the similar request today and I truly think the ideas work. First of all, here is a website that is great! There is one for husbands, too: http://www.the-generous-wife.com/
You can sign up and you'll get a daily tip for a way to be 'generous' to your husband.
I like to do little things for my husband that lets him know how much I LOVE him. Examples: sending cute and/or sexy text messages or emails, putting his favorite candy bar in his briefcase or car to find as a surprise, sending him cards at work, and even just making his favorite dessert. You want to feel valued and so does he!
Good luck!
Have you ever read "The 5 Love languages"? It is a great book. It sounds like you 2 just forgot how to love each other. This book can better help you how to understand how to love your husband in a way that he will understand. Another good book is "The power of the praying wife". Good luck.
some churches do offer counseling, usually larger churches. sometimes it's only for members, but some are available to the community. i have one suggestion for you both to work on. sometime when you are NOT fighting, set aside some time to have a discussion about how to argue or fight so that it is productive, not destructive. some suggestions, (again, do this when you are NOT angry with each other) on how to fight fair 1)no name calling. that goes for both of you. 2) no dragging up ancient history. it isn't productive, and doesn't help solve the problem at hand. once an issue is dealt with and over, it's over. don't drag it up again. 3) don't shut down. this was difficult for my husband and me, he would shut down and not say anything, which only made me madder. 4) discuss, argue, fight, yell (whatever works for you), but as you get over the emotional part then you can have a more productive discussion. keep talking until the issue is resolved, until each of you see the other side. once it's over, it's over. you've come to a solution, make up and go out to dinner.
I got pregnant our first year of marriage and while I was pregnant I couldn't stand the smell of my husband. Not good for a first year of marriage. I didn't want to be near him. One thing we did to help us get through this was we each made a list of 10 things the other person could do to show that they loved us. I don't remember if we chose 3 things a day off the list or 3 things a week but we had to make sure that we chose 3 and did them. For example, I wrote, one way I feel you love me is when you surprise me with a note or call me out of the blue just to talk. Women tend to feel love through actions and words when men tend to feel love through physical contact. My husband felt loved when I would come up and kiss him for no reason or if I initiated sex. Anyway, we all have different ways of communicating love and this is a great way to reconnect. Do this for about a month and see how things go.
I also recommend reading the books by Dr. Laura, "The proper care and feeding of your husband" and "The proper care and feeding of your marriage."
I found these books very helpful.
I can relate. We did the counseling thing, and it is expensive. The counselor pointed us to some do-it-yourself resources, though, including realrelationships.com (answers your questions) and familylife.com. Family Life has a marriage retreat called Weekend to Remember that I think will help you get out of your rut. If you need additional counseling, they may be able to hook you up with a good church program, as they are Christian-based. One additional thing I picked up is that you need to show your husband lots of love and affection, even when you don't feel like it. That includes initiating sex and enjoying it. You'll be surprised what a difference that makes in your husband's attitude! Then, he'll be nicer to you, which makes it easier to be nicer to him.
Ok this is going to sound NUTS.. so that out of the way let me tell you my so far so good marriage secret.. :P My Husband and I take a shower together every night or morning.. thats it.. lol! that is the time we have each others undivided attention, no kids, no phone, t.v, nothing but us.
My sister and brother in law were having closeness issues and I told her the same thing, she went to her husband and said ok.. we dont have much time for talkin, and we both bathe daily LOL.. so we have to make a pact to bathe together. at first it seems odd to them, but after a couple days she told me they were talking about themselves to each other again! go figure.. not the kids or school or whats for dinner.. but how ya doing kind of things.. Its something no person can say we dont have time for that!
My husband and I have remained best friends because of this ritual through our 19 and 16 year old kids drama and needs, the dogs, the bills everything else. It always brings a good calming to the day, our time to center if you will. Its always a good place for that needed shoulder rub too!
Once you learn to depend on your daily time together with each other again, other things will fall into place, and the Looking for activities may not matter so much, because remember its not the things you do with your time, but the times that take your breath away that matter!
Good luck refinding your best friend and lover!
The other thing I want to say is this, sometime the best therapy is to write, or have a mediator.. but what we do in my family is and was the best thing for communication ever..
Shopping list :)
2 large notebooks in varied colors on the outside of each on you need to write who its for
Notebook 1= You and your Husbands names
Notebook 2= Mom, Dad, each kids name
The first notebook should be placed in your bedroom in a private place
The Second notebook is to be placed in the family room for all to access
In your private notebook with your husband on the inside cover glue a copy of a picture of each of you as close to the date you met as possible. One the very first page, write the story of how you met him, page two should be his version of the meeting. He should not read yours first :) you should sit down after he is done and write on the back of your first page, all of the reasons you fell madly in love with that man of yours, include as many details as possible Example.. his eyes, his funny way of doing this and that, his compassion....... later he will do the same on the back of his page 2 for you..
First night after completion.... go to your room together, get him a cold beer or whatever you both like, set the room up so neither of you will need to leave for a good hour or 2. Make sure the kids are settled in other words. get comfortable together and open the notebook between you. Read the passages together, taking time to laugh and discuss whatever parts you want! Whew sounds like alot of work but well worth it.. for the rest of that night just see where it leads :)
After that day every day try to write your true thoughs, feelings, questions in it to him and he should of course do the same. Make sure you close it daily on a good positive note and when you are very angry, go back and read your page 1 before you write. Soon you will see the man you fell in love with more often :) this in combination with the baths have kept my husband and I very very close. And we all know that leads to intimacy...
The other notebook is same principle, for everone in the family to write to all the others daily, to keep everyone informed about issues, and just lives in general. I suggest calling a family meeting once a week to go over it all..
Good luck hun, and feel free to private message me if you need clarification :)))
I don't know where you live, but The Met on Jones road near Grant offers free counseling services. You can check out their website:
Here is something to try.
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/pdf/30DayChallenge.pdf
You may have to fake it until you make it, but hopefully it is worth it.
Carrie
Dear Mommy R
Some of these sound good to me.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/102751/25_ways_to_be_romantic.html?page=4&cat=41
Hello,
I have been having some similar isues in my marriage of 3 yrs. We were seperated for 6 mos. ayear and a half in, and we are still not totally in the clear. But I have made a decision to give it all that is in me, b/c I want it, I do not want my children to have to see the things we were letting them see or hear the words. There is a sit called Marriage missions and the Generous Wife, They are based on the word of God. I pray that you have accepted Jesus in your life, and ask him to heal YOU, and work on YOU. I am looking to GOD for changing me b/c I can't change my husband , not with sex, food, being a good mother. All I can do is please GOD, and I pray that your heart can do this. I go to Kingdom Life Christian church, it is awesome, the Spirit of GOd is always welcomed and desired and it brings change, We have an awesome marriage ministry called strong for life, you can come alone if your husband is not up for it, but the first thing is to clear any unforgivness, bitterness ans anger from you heart and keep god first.. I will be praying for you. We are going on a fast next week, and during thast time we will be praying for marriages, I will not forget you. Keep in touch if you'd like and we will be having a daughters of sarah conference in Sep. E-mail me for more details. God Bless and stay strong and fight for your marriage. Take Care.
Hi,
Looks like you're getting some great advice. I also want to put in a good word for books like, "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian and "The Five Languages of Love" by Gary Smalley I believe. When I read those books during a rough period it helped us out. One person can do a lot to set things back on the right course. Good churches have plenty of things such as counseling, conferences, retreats, even date nights on special occasions like Valentine's Day. Our marriage has always been better when we've had weekly date nights. Now that I'm in my 50's I realize I was more of the problem than I ever would have dreamed! We all come with such baggage. Often times when we have a problem now I can ask myself how my husband could be feeling disrespected or why I'm feeling unloved because that's our basic need. It may look different but it's the same issue over and over. One other thing that has helped us, is to realize the spiritual aspect of what's going on. God is for marriage, it was His idea. But there's an enemy after everything that is good and right who likes to bring death and destruction. There's been times, as a Christian, I have taken authority over the spirit of disunity and strife has disappeared. Prayer is a powerful force. We went for some individual and couple Inner Healing prayer which made a difference in our marriage. Both looked at old wounds and unmet needs and got healing so they wouldn't continue to cause problems in our present relationships. We still have some issues, I'm still late and it's still upsetting to him! I pray the Lord will direct you and that you will avail yourself of every resource that you need. The help is out there waiting for you!
Hi Mommy R. -
Scary that I can relate to much of what you say... especially focusing more on the children.... and no date nights!
I'm not sure what Church you go to, our family attends Gateway and they offer a Divorce Prevention program. We heard this couple speak and it was amazing. I think you might benefit from checking into it.
Divorce Prevention
Purpose: To encourage, support and teach couples struggling in their relationships in hope of saving & strengthening their marriage.
Contact: Kay and David Moore, [email protected]
http://www.gatewaychurch.com/GetConnected/SupportandRecoveryGroups/tabid/227/Default.aspx
Also, I think you should figure out a weekly date night and just start doing them... even if your hubby is still upset. Sometimes it just takes one small thing to make it all right again!
Best of luck!
Just start going on mandatory dates once a week. Go to a movie, at least you will have something in common to talk about. Share a soda like you were dating. Eventually move to dinner and a movie, then it will all come together. Spending time talking to each other when the other isn't too distracted by the house or the kids will work wonders for your relationship. Good luck!
Most churches offer counseling. I don't know if you have to be a member of there church or not. You may want to read Power of A Praying Wife. I read that work and it helps with different prays to pray over your husband. YOu know my husband is the same way always remembering the times I am difficult. I have gotten to the point now where I agree with him that I was difficult that time but I ask him to give me another example since them when I acted the same way. I also ask him for the date I did it because if its that important for him to remember I did it then I want the date so that he can see its been awhile. If tells me that he don't remember the date then I tell him its wasn't to important them. You may want to try going out to a nice dinner just the two of you.
A lot of churches host a counseling like class for couples called Dynamic Marriage. It is an awesome class that looks into every aspect of your marriage very deeply. I would recommend looking into that 100%!
Good luck!
Hi.
Kindness, compassion, and respect are all contagious. My husband and I went through the "7 year itch" some time ago. We went to a counselor and it made all the difference in the world. We learned some basic relationship survival skills that, still today, help us to get it all back together and remind us that we are the relationship that we both had always dreamed of. These are some of the critical things we learned...
Find 3 things every day that your husband has done that you should "Thank him" for. Whether it was taking out the trash, going to work, or putiing his glass in the sink. Just simply tell him Thank you for ___________.
Compliment him on 3 things everyday, even when you are angry and don't feel like doing so. Tell him his hair looks nice or that his butt looks great in those pants, tell him you love the color of his eyes. We all like to hear compliments and what better person to give them than the love of your life.
Tell him everyday that you love him and find subtle ways to say or show him that you appreciate him. You will notice a signifcant change in your attitude which in turn will inspire a significant change in him, too.
We also learned that you should never, ever say the "D" word unless you intend on calling an attorney the next day. It is not healthy to have the "D" word used so flippantly in a relationship. It should never be a threat and it always creates vulnerability in your relationship.
Hug your husband when he gets home. Kiss him on the lips when he walks in the door-it doesn't have to be a long- drawn-out-wet kiss. Tell him you're glad he's home. Have a hot meal ready for him-it doesn't have to be a five course meal-put something in the crockpot. Call and see if he wants to meet you for lunch. If you can't afford to go out, make him a sandwich at home and sit down with him. Talk with him, and not at him.
It's amazing what love and respect will do for your man, and what he'll do, in turn, for you.
I know alot of churches do offer couseling. Our pastor at Pflugerville First Baptist Church does counseling sessions, a lot of marriage couseling. I don't know if you have to be a member or not but I don't think you do. I just recently got married and went through premarital counseling with our pastor and one of the things that he said to us was that marriage is about the committment not about love because love will come and go but if the committment is there then the love will rebuild. What I really liked about our sessions is that he didn't tell us what we needed to do to make things work. He told us what we would need to do mentally/see in each other to get through it and then gave examples of what has worked before but we might need to get creative. A friend of mine went through counseling and 2 things that her and her husband were told were to 1 - make a list of all of the reasons they fell in love in the first place and read them back to each other, 2 - when they argued they needed to be in person and needed to hold hands while they argued. That helped her and her husband get through it. Those things may or may not help you and your husband. I don't have a lot of experience in this area but on the romantic side of things I think my husband and I are still somewhat fresh in that area. Tell him you would like to go on out to dinner just the 2 of you and be dressed and ready early. If you being late is a big deal to him then if you are ready early for this date then it's going to catch his attention. With the few spats my husband and I have had I've noticed if I fix something small about myself that normally bothers him then it tends to make a big diffence and sets the mood for the rest of the evening. Hope all works out for you. Good Luck and I'll be praying for you.
MIchelle