Religion issues with my own mother

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21

I would not ignore it. Don't make it about her or you or religion but about how you are raising your child. My mother is VERY involved in her church, and VERY strictly adheres to her faith. Something I very much respect about her, but its not how I want my daughter exposed to spirituality. Several times when we are home (I don't live in the same state so it's a little dif) she has asked to take her to church so she can "show her off" to her friends. I have always said no and she respects that. She knows where I stand so there is no question. Unless you say, "I do not want my daughter going to church with you" she will likely never quit asking because she has no idea its a source of uneasiness for you. Be honest and only give the info you need to. You don't have to say you don't want her raised in the Catholic church, just that you're uncomfortable with her going to church without you. If she presses further, you will have to hold your ground.

Overall, don't ignore this, deal with it now. State clearly your intentions and don't back down. If you handle it now, you won't have to stress about avoiding visits and uncomfortable conversations. All parties involved will know where each other stands.

22

I dont see what the harm is in letting her go to church with your mom so she can show her off. I'm Catholic, but growing up I had friends who were Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, and Lutheran and I went to church with them sometimes. It's not bad to expose your kid to different things. How is she ever going to make up her own mind if she's never exposed to it?

23

I grew up in a somewhat Catholic home. When I went to college I visited many churches. When my husband and I decided to get married, I really began to feel I wanted a faith for my children. I began to study the early Christians and low and behold, it led me right back to the Catholic Church. I don't know what your issue is with the Catholic Church. As you said your main concern is how to go about the relationship with your Mother. I have cared for children from many different faiths. We always try to teach the kids about what we have in common so that I don't lead the kids away from what their parents are trying to teach them. Sometimes they ask questions about our differences and I try to respectfully and honestly answer them.

My husbands family is of all different faiths. We all get along. At times their kids come to Mass with me and so far none of them have converted. I would show your daughter respect for your Mother and what your Mother believes. I would celebrate what you have in common. Remember, someday your daughter will be grown and she may choose to belong to a faith that you don't care for. Model how you want her to treat you.

There has been very poor teaching in the Catholic Church over the years. I have to be careful that what my children learn about the faith is really Catholic. What I learned of the Catholic Faith growing up, really wasn't Catholic. None of our children are going to live in a bubble. I teach my children to search for truth and respectfully question so that they can be well informed. Above all I want my children to be respectful, especially of their Grandparents. I figure that they way I get along with my Mom and Dad is going to guide them as to how to treat me when they are grown.

24

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25

I'm not a catholic either, and not a huge fan of catholicism, but your daughter attending church with your mother occasionally does not equate to her being raised in the faith. It just shows her what her grandma believes and how she supports those beliefs. I'm sure your mom does love to show off her granddaughter. When my mom was alive, there was nothing better to her than my two daughters. She loved to take them around town and show them off. She was so proud of them. Your mom's friends probably are all at church if she's been going there for years. There are worse places your mom could be taking your daughter.

26

Oh man, I'm in your shoes. We (my brothers and I) were raised very strict Catholic... can't say I've stepped foot into a church in the past 10 years for anything other than weddings, a baptism, and a confirmation (my baby brother refused to be confirmed unless I was his sponsor, LOL!)

I would tell her point blank that you're not going. Now, if she wants to bring your kids, why not? My girls attend a baptist church when they stay at their dads house. They have fun with it, they like their friends and the little bible stories, and since I'M not the one who has to take them, I see it as a bonus! If your mother wants to take your kids, I'd let her. Heck, it will give you some extra time to get some housework done without any interruption ;)

My MIL is superrr religious. My fiance gets really upset, like 'don't shove that down my throat'. I'm a little more relaxed about her talking religion, because even though I'M not religious, I don't have a problem with people who are. To each their own. She prays to God, I pray to the moon. To each their own. There's no harm in having faith in something... as long as you have faith in yourself :)

27

I have almost the exact issue with my parents. I was raised Catholic - decided it was not for me at 12 y/o, yet was forced to undergo Confirmation to make them happy.

Fast forward... I was not planning on having my child baptized PERIOD. My parents offered to buy us a house when I was pregnant but never followed thru. When my daughter turned 4 y/o - they said we will buy you a house, BUT you must baptize my daughter. We freaked, but ended up doing it eventho I hated it.

I know my parents teach her and talk about the Catholic faith when my daughter's with them and it pisses me off. My Mom is always saying I"m damning my child because I refuse to mold myself and her into their church. My parents are extremely hypocritical Catholics to boot!!

I just try to temper everything by raising her to see things as I do - which is a mixture of the Goddess, Native American spiritualism, respect for nature and creatures of the Earth, do your best and hope for the best in others, etc...

This is just the religion - my parents and I are polar opposites in politics too and MAN it's hard visiting them!!

28

I know how you feel.
I was raised in a pretty strict Jewish family. Kosher and all.
As I got older I decided It wasn't for me.
So..
My dad & His family are all JEwish..My mom was raised Christian, but converted to Judaism when she married my father.
My MIL is a REALLY religious Catholic. She always pushes the issue of baptism, church, religious studies etc. Even though she KNOWS I was raised Jewish. (she doesn't know I don't really practice it)

I've started just telling her, those things aren't important to me. Its not my beliefs, and they are my kids.

I also have my grandma ( on my dad's side) ALWAYS giving me a hard time about raising good JEwish kids.

29

Go with #2.

I'm in your boat (parents are devout - I want nothing to do with the Catholic church). That said, my parents take my kids with them when there is an overnight. I don't feel like my kids are learning Catholicism. They go maybe 4x/year. So unless this is a regular thing with your mother, I think you're a bit overboard in your protest to the situation.

30

If your mother is VERY Catholic than how can you ask her to NOT go to church just because your daughter is sleeping over? You need to find alternative care on Saturday nights if you do not want your daughter to be party to attending church.

As for 'the' conversation...it sounds to me like this a one sided issue. You do not need to have a discussion on your beliefs. Your mother already knows that you do not attend church, did not get married in the church, and so on and so forth. If it really bothered her or was an issue for her than she would have had that converstion long ago (especially if she is VERY Catholic).

Bottom line, let it go and find alternative care on Saturday nights.

31

Your daughter could go to church with her grandmother a thousand times, but that doesn't mean she'll be raised in the Catholic faith. That's up to YOU, her parent. I was raised Catholic. Now I have spiritual beliefs, but they have nothing to do with any organized Western religion. My FIL is a devout Muslim. So when my kids were young, I got it from both sides. My parents asking when I was going to baptize my kids, my FIL asking to take the kids to the mosque. I made it clear early on that 1) we were not raising them with any specific religion because that would be hypocritical of me - I personally do not believe, so I'm not pushing it on my kids 2) THEY, the grandparents, were welcome to take my kids to any mosque, church, temple, shrine that they wanted, I LOVE the idea of exposing my children to various religions and viewpoints and I LOVE the idea of the grandparents sharing a very personal experience with my children and bonding over it. I even sent my kids to Jewish pre-school, my one daughter to Catholic school for K and 1st and they've all been to a number of Islamic functions at the Mosque. But ask them what religion they are and they'll tell you: none. Here's what I've told my children: "Your grandfather is Muslim, we are not. But when you go to Mosque with him, you WILL be respectful and you WILL behave appropriately, same goes for when you're in a Church or Temple. I will not tolerate you being disrespectful in another person's house of worship." It's worked out just fine and I feel that there's been no undue influence on them by the grandparents since I'M the MAIN influence in their lives.

32

Your child is going to be exposed to Catholocism because your mother is Catholic. That is a fact. You DON'T have to raise her as a Catholic.

You're going to have to the conversation about your different views on faith sometime. I know you want to avoid a confrontation, but the best way for YOU to do that is to get yourself to a place where YOU don't feel confrontational about it. Your mom may be upset, but if you're comfortable with your decision, you may not feel as defensive about it.

You have to decide what is more important and/or uncomfortable for you - dealing with the issue directly and talking to your mom, or dancing around Saturday night/letting your daughter go to church with Grandma. It's all your call.

33

I dont see what the big deal is with your daughter occasionally going to church with her grandma. My parents, one of which was an athiest, had me go to church with my grandma when she would visit. She was catholic also. Grandmas love that stuff! My MIL always wants to show off her granchildren to all her friends. It may be a little boring for a kid, but I am glad my parents had me go. It gave me that time with my grandma doing something she enjoys. It isnt like they are cramming "you must believe this or you are going to Hell" down her throat. It is just a service.

Take a deep breath, and let her go once, and see how it goes. I would talk to your mom about your feelings.

34

Just because your mom takes your daughter to a Catholic church occasionally, that hardly means she is being raised "in the Catholic faith"!

If you attended synagogue with a friend 4 times per year, would that make you a Jew?

35

If you have the conversation now with your mother it will make you feel better however, depending on your mother's view it may also make her push religion harder on your daughter if you don't address the issue properly. The harder you try to take a stand in one direction it is human nature that the harder the push back you will get. You will raise your daughter how you see fit with religion but at some point in her life she may choose another path just like you did. if you are open and explain your views but don't shut down the idea and exposure to other religions she won't feel the way you do today with your own mother and won't be afraid to talk to you about things. She will appreciate your point of view and respect you for it which is the most important thing you can do for her. just because someone goes to another persons place of worship now and then doesn't remotely mean they will convert to that religion....it's not like catching the flu :-). Your mother problably sees Sunday church as her social hub and is proud to show off her granddaughter. Since her religion is a part of who your mother is - its a great way to teach your daughter how people you love can be different than you and you will still love them and visa versa. Good luck.

36

Why don't you just tell your parents that you are not raising your daughter Catholic if you really don't think they have figured this out already? Wouldn't the absence of a baptism as an infant have been a GIANT CLUE that you are not raising her Catholic? Assuming they get that, what's the problem? Are you looking for some kind of religious showdown? I highly doubt that they didn't notice the absence of a baptism and your lack of church attendance, along with the lack of a church marriage. I'm guessing that they are not stupid and are actually respecting your choices.

As for attending church, let her. My husband and I are different religions (Catholic and Jewish) and we have attended services, along with our children, at each others houses of worship. Exposing your daughter to religion isn't harmful - just tell her that her grandparents are Catholic and one part of Catholic is going to church on Sundays. You and she are not Catholic so you don't normally go to church, but if Grandma wants to take her and show her off to her friends and community, there's no harm in it.

I don't mean to be disrespectful but unless there is more to the story here and your parents make nasty disrespectful comments or bring up questions to you that you avoid, then it sounds like the issue is one-sided. Explain your position if it makes you feel better, but I doubt you're telling them something that they haven't already figured out.

37

Hi Laura,

You can try to avoid the subject in order to avoid a fight - at first -but eventually your mother WILL bring it up and there will be no escaping it. S the question is, do you want to have the "fight" now or later? I put fight in quotes b/c it NEVER has to be a fight! I grew up with parents who did nothing else other than fight, and unfortunately, I was taught how to fight and got suckered into fights my entire life. I FINALLY learned a couple years ago that fights NEVER have to happen! Why? Because it takes 2 people to fight. If your mother yells or starts up with you, do NOT engage in it! Simply and calmly say, "I have no interest in arguing with you, so if you are not able to calm down, we will not have this discussion." If this happens in person, she must calm down and if she doesn't, nicely ask her to leave your house. If you are at her house, just leave! If this conversation happens over the phone, nicely tell her that if she doesn't calm down you will hang up on her. Only YOU can allow a fight or altercation to occur. You are holding all of the power - not your mother! If she continues to behave inappropately, ban her from your daughter's life (however long that takes) until she gets the hing and realizes that it is 100% up to you how you are going to raise your daughter. I'm sure you can tell that I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior! Hold your ground, as you are her mother! Go with option 2! Good luck!

38

what bugs me the most is that you're scared to have a conversation with your own mother. i find that much more alarming than the idea that an occasional dose of catholicism is going to permanently infuse your daughter with it.
i don't understand why it even has to be a big dramatic Talk. a simple 'i'm okay with lulu going to church with you now and then, ma. but i want to make sure you're being respectful to my beliefs and how i'm raising her, okay? should suffice.
khairete
suz

39

I have struggled with this too: My parents are Catholic, but I am no longer. I haven't had a lot of pressure (not too much anyway), but I did have a lot of guilt about it.

I wasn't in the same boat, with my parents wanting to watch the kids overnight on Saturday (they live too far away for that). However, I think that if you want to continue to allow her to have your daughter over night on Saturdays, you're going to have to confront this. Or, if you avoid it, and your mom pushes you, you may have to confront it.

For me, it helped that I was attending a church (Unitarian Universalist) and explained that that was where it felt the most right, and I shared with my mom the 7 principles of UUs, and that it welcomed all religions and teaches no specific creed (just focuses on the 7 principles (the first is "recognizing the inherent worth & dignity over every person, etc.), http://www.uua.org/visitors/6798.shtml). The fact that I was/am still striving to become a better person and to help others through a church community meant a lot to her. I did also help that even as a child, I occasionally openly questions the Church's teachings (when I was a kid, one of the best teachers in our preschool, whom I remembered and saw occasionally in grade school, was Hindu, and she was one of the nicest, kindest, most generous people I've ever known. And I remember asking my mom about whether she was going to go to heaven, because she wasn't Catholic, and my mom saying that she thought all good people go to heaven, but it might be easier if you believe in God to be good.)

One thing I will say is that if you have to confront it, be respectful of their beliefs and say, "Mom, Dad, I respect that you are Catholics and follow the Catholic faith, but I have thought and prayed about this, and that is not where I belong. And I do not feel that that is where my daughter belongs. You can disagree with me, but I do not want her going to Catholic services. I'm sorry if this disappoints you but it is not open for discussion."

Don't let yourself get drawn into arguments masquerading as discussions--if they are not listening to you, and willing to think about where you're coming from, or automatically assume that you're wrong, then it's not going to be a discussion, and it's better to just end it.

If your mom is one of the (many) Catholics who feel that women are still, and wrongly, treated as second class citizens of the church, that priests should be married, and that the pope is not infallible, she may be more understanding than you think, and church may be at least as social as it is religious (in which case, offer to host your mom and her church friends for a visit/brunch after church, so that she can show off her grandchild, whom she obviously loves. :)

40

She's your mom. You should be able to lay things out on the table, the truth, although softened, should suffice.