I remember my daughter telling me through tears that the baby was stillborn. She was 4months, I tried to stay strong for her. After she told me people dont know how to act when this happens I said thats true only the person going through it knows how she wants to handle it. She said her friends either said I know how you feel and she was offended because she felt they didn't or they would avoid her. My advice is just let her talk when she is ready and just do what your doing being a friend. GOD BLESS HER AND HER FAMILY AND FOR A FRIEND LIKE YOU.
I'm glad someone is asking this question b/c I was the one on the other side, 5 years ago. I know of 2 girls, in particular, that grew away from me. One, was probably on her way out anyway, as our friendship was fading (her choice). When she finally called me, after months of not seeing each other, I had just returned from the hospital (had to deliver 18 week old baby w/ congestive heart failure). I told her what had just happened. I did not hear from her for 2 weeks after that. And I don't even know if it was me who called her, finally, or vice versa. That devastated me for I really liked this gal. Another friend chose not to come to our home-memorial service b/c she had had an ectopic pregnancy 5 years previously and it was "too painful." We are no longer friends. What I wished would have happened, and what I now do for people who have gone thru this, is I say, "you know, I don't know what to say to you, or what to do to help. But I am here for you to call, to see, anytime. Even if you just want to cry on the phone, call me." Most times, we don't know what we want, at the time. I think most moms say "no" to a meal b/c they feel bad accepting favors! Get over that, and bring her a meal. Who could be mad at that? Check in w/ her as often as you used to. I think most people assume we want to be left alone. If she says she wants that, then grant her that, but check in once a week. A nice note, too, saying you are thinking about her, is nice. I wouldn't go into "The baby's in a better place" or anything logical, b/c we feel the best place for our baby is in our arms. Biggest thing...don't avoid her. Because that's what most people do when they don't know what to do. An honest, "I don't know what to do for you, but..." is your best bet! Let us know what happens.
Hi, Kristi. I am so sorry for your friends loss. I have been in a similar situation as you- I had a sister-in-law who ended up finding out she was not pregnant at 10 1/2 weeks. I was pregnant at the time also, just a few weeks behind her. It made it a very sticky situation, and I was filled with guilt. Since it was my first child, I felt like I shouldn't celebrate my joy, but I learned that she didn't expect me to not talk about my baby at all. I tried to tone down my excitement around her, and not bring it up all the time. I am sure your friend would not want you to miss out on any joy of the second child, but I would just wait for her to bring it up, instead of talking about it in front of her. God Bless.
Speaking from experience, I have had two miscarriages. My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage (Dec 2000). I was devastated over the loss and I definately didn't want to be around anyone who was pregnant. It took about six months for me to finally accept what happened and to regroup. During all this my husband was not very helpful which probably made it worse. In March 2002 we had our first little boy. We decided to try for another baby when he was 1 1/2 and it resulted in another miscarriage. Not to sound bad, but it wasn't as devastating as the first one because God had already blessed me with a little boy. We eventually had to go through a lot of effort and one round of Chlomid to become pregnant again and we had twin boys (July 2005).
I don't know if there is any good advise when you have had a miscarriage and I didn't want to hear that it happened for a reason. Just give her time and remind her how blessed she is to already have one gift.
I had a similar think happen and the worst thing my friends could do was not include me in their happiness, this may not be the best for her. Somebody (sounds like you) needs to continue to ask her what she needs from you. Sometimes it is just having someone to share your feelings with. Also I put the perinatal bereavement services link at Shawnee Mission Medical Center below:
https://www.shawneemission.org/content/view/73/1060/
God Bless you for the friend you are to help her.
Hello,
The same thing happened to me a few years ago. I was at 20 weeks and it wasn't any easy thing. The best advice I can give to you is to just be her friend. Tell her that you are there for her if she needs anything. I am not sure what type of person she is but I got really upset with people around me because everyone was asking if I was okay. It really made things worse because I just wanted to think about things on my own. I had a great friend that helped me by just listening. You could offer to watch her son for her after she delivers the baby...which will be a difficult time. Just be there for her, let her know she is not alone and that you and everyone that loves her is supporting her.
One thing that really helped me was a memory box I got from the hospital. Because she is so late in her pregnancy the organization at the hospital will offer to take pictures. As I was laying in the hospital bed I thought that was the most sick thing I had ever heard of. They brought me the pictures the night before I was released from the hospital. I layed there and stared at the little cloth bag the pictures were in. Finally at like 3 in the morning I opened the bag, looked at the pictures, they had put a little teddy bear in there, the tap measure they had used to see how long the baby was, some flowers they had placed in the picture. I cried my eyes out but it really helped. If they offer to take pictures and she, like me, thinks it is a little sick, reassure her that there might be a time when she will be okay looking at them. No one is going to flash them in her face. Another thing that the hospital did, that perhaps you can do too, is right around Christmas time (my miscarriage happened right at the beginning of December) well they sent me a little homemade angel with a tag on it that says "I will always have a little guardian angel" That ornament is the first to go on our tree every year and it goes right at top.
Tell her to hang in there, to cry and things will get easier.
Nicole
I lost a baby Nov. 06 it would have been our 4th. There are still days I cry. You are just going to have to give her time and space. She will let you know when she is ready to talk about it. She will still be your friend but she may be a little distant until her heart has time to heal. I would say just be as supportive as you can and take your cues from her. On babyzone.com they have support groups for loss of a baby. This also helped me a great deal, when she is ready you can tell her about it.
Just be there to listen to her. Don't try to make her feel better by telling her she already has a child. She doesn't want to hear that b/c she was ready for her 2nd. These things are in God's plan and no one knows why they happen. She will need time to grieve, but if she is a close friend, then she will be happy of your news. You will want to spare her some time before telling her your news. Don't share it the day after she found out she miscarried. However, don't withhold the info from her, but share it with other friends. Then she will think that you guys are excluding her b/c she's not pregnant. It will take her time and as others said, she will still have her days from time to time. The best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you are there for her to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on or for anything else that might help her. I hope this helps you.
Hi Kristi,
I had a miscarriage in July of 06 it was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure.My friends pulled away because they were unsure what they should say to me,it was so hard to feel as if I had no one to talk to please continue to talk with her frequently and ask her if there is anything that you can do for her and let her know that if she needs you that you will be there. Both of my 2 closest friends also got pregnant with in months of my miscarriage to be very honest it was very hard for me at first... not to say that I wasnt happy for them I was just sad for myself and the loss, it took some time and all those feeling subsided and turned into sheer excitement for them, I would probably give her some time before you share your good news with her and then give her time to adjust ...she will.She is lucky to have a friend that cares so much.
hello i just want to say im sorry i to have had a miscarriage and my best friend was also pregnant at the same time it was very hard to loose a baby i felt it was my fault like no one understood my pain.when i went in to the er for an emergancy dnc the surgen who was a ob dr of my friends sit down beside me and said u have other children i said yes 1 he said i bet shes the most beutiful girl in the world behind my 5 and i looked at him he said u no this is not ur fault u know god has takin ur baby because there was something wrong he has other plans he said u know a baby is a mirical alot of ppl dont see that but a woman has a lot of miscarriages and dosent even know it because they think its just a heavy period truth is its a miscarriage so if u deside to have another baby remember there miracles and keep in mind this wasent ur fault that dr made me feel alot better and as far as my friends they didnt know what to do or say my step mom bought me a plant and brought it to me and told me she didnt know what to do or say and was balling just knowin i had my friends and familys support was wonderful let her know u feel her pain and ur there for a shoulder my best wishes to u all
I miscarried with my 4th pregnancy and I hang out with a lot of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) Moms who were pregnant at the same time. I actually worried about them avoiding me. I did have one episode that made me cry, and that was holding one of my friend's newborns and I touched his face against mine and I have no idea why, but I started to cry and had to hand him back to the Mom and leave the room (it was at a MOPS gathering too). I cried like crazy and I really didn't even know why. The miscarriage had come and gone so I don't know why it happened. I just fell into a huge depression for about a half an hour or more and cried really hard (I had to go to my car so I wouldn't bother the other Moms at the meeting). I was totally fine an hour or so later. That was over two years ago and I still don't know why I cried, but I know that touching that baby started it. She could go through something like that within the next month or two.
No one knows what to say to a miscarriage. I think what helped me the most, was knowing that friends were thinking of me and praying for me. Have your friends, especially the pregnant ones, give her a call and maybe send a card and let her know that they are thinking of her. She could use some emotional support and maybe a day out with friends to dinner or a movie to take her mind off things. One thing is, you don't want her life to wrap around this miscarriage and fall into a funk or close herself off from friends because that's what she needs to most. She needs to move on. I think grieving time could be close to a month or so, but she needs to move on after that.
BTWay, since I didn't have a D&C I got pregnant right away. My miscarriage started a major bleeding time and that acted like a period, because two weeks after that, I was prego! I always heard you were really fertile after a miscarriage and guess it's true!
My thoughts and prayers are with your friend. She will be fine because she has you and your mutual friends to be there for her.
God Bless,
Cathy R.
My sister and I both found out that we were pregnant and due 4 days apart. My sister lost her baby at 16-17 weeks. In February, we found out that she had miscarried the baby and had to deliver it. I really don't know if there is a way to talk about your friends loss because I still have not found a way to discuss her loss. I now have a gorgeous baby girl that is eight days old and know that my sister would have a handsome baby boy that is about 4 days old. I know that your friend will be overjoyed when she hears your news, but she will still be hurt. It will take some time, but she will find a way to heal and one day God might grant her wish of becoming a mother again. I know that it is hard for my sister to look at my daughter and know that she should have a little one of her own. She has not really opened up to me, but I know that every time my daughter reaches a milestone in her life, she should be celebrating the same milestones with her little boy. Just be there for you friend when she is ready to talk about the miscarriage.
Hi Kristi,
Sorry this response is late. I have lost two of my own. I was blessed the third time with a beautiful boy! He is my only child for now. The hardest part for me was not having any children at the time. You wrote that your friend does have children, not that it makes it any less awful to go through but she had sucessful pregnancies. The best you can do for her is be there for her. It might be as simple as lending an ear when she needs to discuss it, or being there to take her mind off of it for a bit when she wants to think about something else. It's a greiving process and she needs to go through it. I am not sure how she would to respond to the rest of your group being pregnant at the moment. I remember how I was angry to see other woman pregnant and I remember how it made me hurt inside. It was part of the grieving process and with time it didn't hurt so much anymore. Right now she may be tender about the subject. Just feel it out and use your best judgement. Some people pull themselves away when so many they know are pregnant during this time. if she decides to do so, give her space and let her come to you. Just let her know how much you care about her and that you are there for her whenever she needs a friend. Grieving affects everyone so differently. Don't take it personally if she seems withdrawn. It can be a normal response. It's so important she grieves. It's hard to accept such a loss and it takes a long time to recover mentally, physically and emotionally. I hope this has been of some help. Your friend is my thoughts and prayers. Support is the most important thing she needs even if she doesn't want it right now. God bless.
Amber H.
This is a tough situation. I lost my first baby at full term due to an umbilical cord tear, had a healthy baby, then had a miscarriage before my third baby was born. I think losing a baby at any time during pregnancy, if the pregnancy is desired, is incredibly painful. Your friend miscarried quite late which will make this very very hard for her. Some of the things she MIGHT feel would be: anger, sadness, guilt, hatred, anxiety, depression. She very likely had all of the dreams of this new baby, only to have them crushed. She may be worried that she may never have a healthy baby again (not logical, but it is a fear that one gets in this situation). She may get very angry or sad any time she sees a healthy baby or hears of a friend having a healthy new baby. I am sure that she will WANT to be their friend, but that she may not be able to be their friend for quite a long time. Any reminder of the baby she would have had will be crushing. Some things that may help....remind her that you will give her all the space she needs, call or email her to tell her that you care and you are thinking about her but no pressure to call or write you back. Most of all let her know that you remember how important this pregnancy must have been to her and her family. I would not tell her that its "all for the best" or "something must have been wrong" with the baby.....that won't help her. Also, letting her know it is common to miscarry or that she will "just have another one" won't help right now...that won't change her pain about THIS baby. I would recommend to the pregnant friends that they NOT talk about their pregnancy with her unless she asks and they should ask her if she wants a birth announcement when they send them, or if they send them they should include a little handwritten note saying they understand she might not want it but they wanted to include her and were not sure what the right thing was to do. Often simply telling her you don't know what to say but that you care so much...that helps.
Feel free to write to me if I can help more....
There really isn't anything you can do to help her or make her feel better. Actually it's best to not even try. Even bringing up the subject is horribly painful. I'm sure it will be hard for her having all of you still pregnant but I don't think that she will stop being your friend. Unless she brings up the subject, avoid it like the plague. I've miscarried three times and it was always too hard to talk about with anyone.
Thank you for all the responses! My friend birthed the baby last night. They named him Levi. The Drs still do not know why she miscarried. Everything looks good. We are all still grieving of course, but I will remember all the responses and try to be the best friend I can for her.