I got married for all the worng reasons to my first husband. My son was 2, my ex was so responsible and I knew I could count on him, but that was not enough to build a marriage on. My son does not even remember him though. He is now 10. I met my Husband now and have been married for 6 years and we have two more children. My 10 year old always called him dad, and I never worried about it. It bothered his real dad for a while, but now it doesn't at all. Just make sure that what you feel for this guy is the real thing. If you're not sure yet it is probably not. Don't be afraid to make mistakes though. Kids are resiliant and he will be just fine if it doesn't work out.
Brittany,
Follow your gut. Don't take on other people's advice unless it sits well with you. I went through a similar situation and am so happy w/how things turned out. One thing that helped me was to act as if it's 10 years from now, and imagine where my decision could take me (bad or good). Then I would ask myself if I would be able to live with that decision.
If this helps; make the decision based only on what's best for you and your son, and whether or not the relationship feels right and is ready for such a move. Don't base it on wanting a bigger space/sleeping arrangements/your son calling your bf 'daddy'.
I applaud you for going through school while being a single mom! Way to go!! Keep up the good work!
Jen
2 months is not very long. You better be really sure this guy is marriage/father material before making this huge step, for your son's sake. I think it's a little scary that your son is calling this guy daddy. Although I'm sure you guys think it's cute, I just worry that if you break up one day, it'll be like losing his daddy. Good for you raising your son on your own and getting your nursing degree! Just don't rush into anything relationship-wise. Good luck to you.
Brittany,
I know you've had a bunch of other responses but I've been there, done that. I broke up with my son's father when my son was 18 months old. I moved in with my dad, and then I met a wonderful man at work a few months later. Long story short we dated and I ended up moving in with him about 3 months later. I was a little desperate to get out of my dad's house and have some privacy. We ended up living together about six months and then I decided to call it quits. During that time, my son started calling my boyfriend Daddy as well. Looking back on that time, I would have done things so much differently. It seemed like a good idea at the time to move in with him but I would NEVER do that again (especially to my son). My son rebounded quickly but it wasn't right of me to do that. He still mentions his "brothers" every once in a while (my boyfriends 3 boys). He doesn't understand why he can't see them anymore. It also hurt my son's real father very deeply to hear my son call my boyfriend "daddy." My advice is TAKE IT SLOW!!!! I know you're cramped where you are but you have freedom. Please don't make the same mistake I made (if it doesn't work out in the end). You are so young...
Best of luck,
Jill
I think if you think its the right time than it is. I have 2 childeren ages 2 and 5 my i got a divorce in the last year. I have been dating my boyfreind for about 5 months and we just moved in together. My children love it. I hope this helps.
I agree with what a lot of the others are saying. As a fellow single mom currently living with her parents I understand exactly where you are coming from! There are many days when I would give almost anything to get out of our living situation but I just have to remind myself that I am doing the best thing I possibly can for my daughter. Cherish this time you have alone with your son. I don't know what made you decide to get into a relationship but please don't rush into anything. I have dated men in the past with kids and have found this much more difficult of a situation. I was even called mommy before and now looking back I think I only stayed in the relationship because I was in love with the kids and didn't want to hurt them. I have lived with 6 different guys and none of them have worked out. A couple had no warning either- I thought everything was just fine. I assume you haven't so you have no idea how difficult it is. Finish school, get a job and make sure you can fully support both of you before you even think about moving in with your boyfriend. Obviously things didn't work out with your son's father so maybe you aren't the best judge of mates. I have had the same issues...my daughter's father took off when I was 5 months pregnant, hasn't had any contact with her- she's 1- and now wants to fight me in court when I am trying to terminate his right. If you would like someone who can see the situation objectively to talk to, please feel free to contact me. A fresh look from another set of eyes can usually see many things you can't when you are in the middle of it. I wish I had that in my past. Good luck!
My son was only 3 weeks old when I divoriced his father and he hasn't had any contact with since. When he was 6 months old I started dating my husband. When he was about 7 or 8 months old we were visiting my grandmother in another town and went to church with her. While talking with the minister after the service, my son turned to my boyfriend and said "Da da" and the minister smiled and said "is that your daddy?" at which my boyfriend and I both shook our head no... totally in shock! I tease my husband now that it would have looked worse if he would have nodded and I would have shook my head no. Anyway, we married when my son was a year old and have been married for 25 years now. He adopted my son as soon as he was allowed by law.
As far as moving in together, that is a personal choice but I am kind of old fashion and think living together is a trial and so much easier to leave then marriage over the first sign of trouble. There is something to be said about commitment. If my husband and I had lived together before marriage, we might not have made it past the first year of adjustment.
Brittany,
Your son and I have the same birthday! :-)
If I were you, I would make your son and your educational goals your highest priority right now and not date anyone, much less move in with him! Starting a new relationship and/or learning to live with someone else is very draining emotionally and distracting. You need all your energy to finish school and care for your son right now.
Kudos to you, Brittany, for getting your college degree while parenting a small child-- no easy task! That right there tells me you have a pretty good head on your shoulders as well as healthy, positive goals for yourself and your son. My advice is to stay focused on those goals for now instead of moving in with this guy you are not married to. You will NEVER have regrets about waiting, but you may end up with horrible regrets by living together too soon. The fact is, this relationship may work out long term. But... it may not. Give it some time before comitting to anything that could have disastrous long-term consequences for your little boy-- your loyalty is to him first. And don't be swayed by the "kids are resilient" argument-- That is just a ridiculous line that selfish people say to soothe their own guilty consciences. Kids need (and DESERVE) stability!
Hi Brittany,
I really think that your son should be taken completely out of the equation (at least at first) as you consider your future with this man. Is he someone that you can spend the rest of your life with? Is he someone who will value you forever? Does he support your goals, in deed as well as word?
If those answers are all yes, and an HONEST yes, then it's time to add your child to things. Does he treat your son with care and respect? Does he enjoy him, rather than just tolerate him? Does he respond favorably to being called Daddy? Is he someone that you can trust to care for your child without you being present?
If all of those answers are yes, then it might be time to start considering a permanent arrangement. However, moving in together is not a permanent arrangement. With that, you take a greater risk of your son's heart and home being broken. He can't possibly understand the whole man/woman thing. My advice is to NOT move in together. If you want something permanent, than a marriage is the only way to do it. Sure, it could fail, too. But at least you will have given it your best shot.
Don't risk your son's well-being for a temporary arrangement. He needs to be your top priority. If this man isn't the one that can make a permanent arrangement, then wait for another. You're so young, and you're on your way to great things. Don't settle!
Hi Brittany,
I was a single mother and going to school as well at 20. Just from experiance I would say wait to move in with a guy until you are married. It will benefit you and your son in more ways than you can imagine. I wanted stability for my daughter and made a pact with myself that if any guy really loved me he would marry me and respect us enough to make the commitment to be with us (forever). It sounds as if you have worked hard going to school and raising your son, stay the course and it will pay off. Your boyfriend will respect you and your great dignity as a mother, your great strength for becoming a successful nurse and want to make a commitment to you because you and your son are worth it.
I have to agree with most of the other women, it's not a good idea to move in with him unless you're married. Whether you are religious or not make zero difference and here's why:
I always like to encourage women to BE WITH A MAN WHO FEELS YOU ARE WORTH WAITING FOR! If he is that man, GREAT! Then wait until the time is right for both your sake and your son's.
You are not likely to regret NOT moving in, but there's a good chance you'll regret moving in.
~Amanda~
Hi Brittany, It sounds like you have been a very good mom to your little boy. I can't imagine how difficult it has been at times to be a single mom and going to school. I would encourage you to NOT move in with your boyfriend. Lots of studies have shown that couple who live together before they get married have an even higher divorce rate. If your son is calling this man "Daddy", you can decide whether or not to adjust that. If you move in with this man and then break up, I would think your son would have a much harder time with that than if you broke up and were only dating. Like I said, I can't imagine how tough it is to live on campus in a tiny room with your son, but hang in there. School will be done and you will be graduated before you know it and then you can decide where you want your dating relationship to go. I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you to make a wise decision.
God Bless,
Ginger
A little about me:
I've been happiliy married for 16 years and have three great kids....7,4, and almost 2.
I have a little experience with this situation. My advice is don't move in together and try to discourage him from calling your boyfriend Daddy. When my son was 2 I started dating a guy and we were together 3 years living together the last year of that time. My son started calling him Daddy because his son lived with us and of course called him dad. Since my ex-husband doesn't have visitation - I didn't see any reason to stop it. He needed a father. But then I moved 45 miles away for a job and the boyfriend and I just stopped seeing each other after about 2 months. My son was confused. I got him together with that guy a few times but that stopped after awhile as well. My son is 11 years old now and doesn't trust me with the current man even though we've been together 6 years. He said he won't call him dad until we get married. We are engaged and living together. They have a great relationship and we have encouraged him to call him dad, but he won't. He has other trust issues as well. He has had counseling and it helped some but if I had it to do again I wouldn't have moved in with the first one or let my son call him dad.
My daughter is 14 and she hates everybody including her dad right now. My friends tell me that's normal for a teenage girl.
Don't move in with him! Kids need stability and marriage is the way to go. Until then, you give your son the most stability possiblle by allowing him to know that you will always be there for him. Continue dating if you chose, but what happens if you move in with some guy, things go great for a year or two and your son bonds deeply, then you break up and his "daddy" leaves? Better that you encourage your son to call this young man by his first name for now, keep the relationship as plutonic in your son's eyes as possible and make sure this guy is going to stick it out for the long haul, before subjecting your son to a possible emotionally wrenching experience. There's nothing wrong with living in a small place - it creates closeness. :)
SAHM of seven, married 27 years, living in a small house
You should just keep it to you and your son. The statistics are staggering for relationships that cohabitate before marriage. 65% of them end in divorce. Couples who are very involved in their church together have a 15%divorce rate. Just some food for thought.
The fact that you are even questioning this situation shows that you know it isn't right. Give your son the most stability you can--don't live together until you get married. And right now he shouldn't be calling your bf "daddy", I find it disturbing, not cute.
At the risk of being "preachy" I'm just going to come out and say: Why are you risking your future plans for yourself by moving in with someone you aren't even legally married to. Okay, I know, I'm old fashioned, but... Please if the guy is worth anything he will want to marry you and make your son his own....legally. Not knowing all of your past I hope you take my suggestion seriously. I commend you for putting yourself through nuring school and I realize your living conditions aren't ideal, however don't risk those future plans with anyone who does not want a permanent relationship with you and your son.
Oh Brittany~
I am a stickler when it comes to school. I think that you may just want to continue the school routine for now and if you think that when you get done with school you are ready then to make the leap to living with someone, go for it. I was eager to move in with my boyfriend and didn't finish school. I just don't want the same to happen to you. You are not being selfish by staying in the dorms till you get done, you after all have a little one and have made it this far, aewsome! So just give it a little longer and then decide.
I believe you take care of yourself and your son first. You have a goal and are on the path. I don't think it is a good idea to stray from the path. You will graduate with a degree and your son with you. I think you know in your heart the best thing for you to do. Sometimes the right thing isnt the easiest choice. You may be thinking of the "pros" of moving in with the man but don't forget the "cons". Trust you instincts. I wish you well.