I don't think I have a right to feel overwhelmed.... but I do!

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21

Hello!

I was literally in your exact same situation 2.5 years ago! I was home with a 20-month-old son (bright, active, spirited) and 4 months pregnant with the next. My husband has to be amongst the world's best men/fathers/husbands and he brings in a very good salary at an incredibly stable job. Yet I would regularly find my son AND myself on the floor bawling at each other! He would just get SO upset and I would feel SO overwhelmed and guilty that I would end up calling my husband in tears begging him to come help! That left me feeling even MORE guilty and MORE inept at this whole parenting thing, and here I was having another child! I even went so far as to ask my son's pediatrician what was going wrong with him because he was just so needy and moody. How on earth could I get dishes done or dinner made with a child like him?

If someone could have just shown me what my life would look like 6 months from that moment, it would have helped a LOT. Apparently the "terrible twos" start at 18 months most of the time. And while there are a lot of things to love about that age (which I appreciated the second time around with my daughter!), there are a LOT of challenges. You are hitting that really tough age right as your body heads into your 2nd trimester and you and your son are both so busy going through your own body's turmoil that it's really hard for you to understand each other. While you obviously need to play with him and meet his basic needs, my advice would be to just back off the guilt and realize that in a few months, things WILL be okay.

It seems like the second my son turned 2 and got a little sibling a few weeks later, he totally mellowed out. He was done with whatever developmental stage he was going through that caused him to totally freak out 50 times a day and he was absolutely delighted with his new sister! He truly wasn't jealous and having her around and all the things he could do to "help" (get diaper, blanket, pick up her toy for her) made him feel really big and helpful! He totally thrived on it and suddenly the whole mom thing just "clicked" and I realized that it really was going to be okay.

I know that every mom and child are different, but I've seen this same thing happen to several friends as well, so I'm hoping that you can just steer yourself and your son through this time and then come out on the other side intact!

22

It kind-of sounds like you have no me time. I believe that a person needs to be well rounded to be happy. Meaning they need to have time to be alone with themselves doing things they like. Have time with their partenr without kids and time with the family. You can feel overwhelmed no matter what an easy life you have.

23

You've received many great answers, an I echo what they say. I was also in the exact position as you a few years ago. (This is my first Christmas/ New Years in seven years where I'm not nursing or pregnant!) I would cry after I had dropped my 20-month-old off at a fantastic drop-in child care for a few hours. As my therapist said, "you're not dropping him off in the middle of the road!" Therapy helped me, if for no reason other than I had an excuse to cry & get it out every 2 weeks. Instead of taking it all out my fantastic husband.

The biggest thing is to NOT beat yourself up about it! You're doing the best that you can. And, I now have 3 kids, ages 6, 4 & 22 months. It is so much easier than when you're in the thick of it with just one. So, don't think that it's harder with more kids. You can do it.

I also went on Zoloft when my youngest was 6 months old, even though I was still nursing. I've since changed medications (because Zoloft increases your appetite & I do not need to be eating more), but a low-level anti-depressant has been key for me in getting over the hump of mild depression & anxiety that I have.

Chin up! Do not underestimate the hormones surging through your body. Congrats on your pregnancy & I hope it goes well.

24

I think that what you are seeing here is that your little one needs the activity of child care or at least a Mothers-Day_Out program. He need to run and play with other kids and be active so he can be enjoyed the rest of the day.

I think so many moms decide that the definition of SAHM means they don't get to have some time alone away from the kids. I see it here all the time. They are so tired and the house is a mess and they just don't know how anyone working can do it...there is no one home all day so the house stays clean, you come home from work, you eat, clean up, play for a while, bathe, and go to bed. The weekends are family time that is planned and wonderful.

I have even seen moms say that moms should not let anyone watch their kids for them because that is...well, to me it seems they are saying that a mom that uses a babysitter or program are not being good moms. That is not the case. The moms that use these programs know the value of going to the OB/GYN without little eyes wondering what that thing is...lol. Or going to the grocery store without a bunch of whiny kids (And Hubby) wanting everything they see.

I am not meant to be a SAHM, not by a long shot. But now that the grand kids are in school it is easier. I work 3 part time jobs and use every penny of my respite vouchers for child care on the breaks so that I can function and be a better parent figure to these kids I have guardianship over.

25

It is amazing what preggo hormones can do to you! I am a SAHM to an awesome 2 year old and I am due tomorrow with #2. It seems we have a similar home situation, but I, too, feel completely overwhelmed sometimes. It is normal. Occasionally I pitch a little fit and take a mommy time out. (nap, play date with my best friend who is the mom of my son's best friend, grocery shopping ALL BY MYSELF, some high calorie but immensly satisfying snack while my son naps, take out dinner eaten after my son is in bed, my mom taking my son overnight, etc.) You just need to recharge your batteries. Being responsible for another human life is not something to sneeze at. It is an incredibly tough yet rewarding job:) I think it's the best n the world, but being preggo makes everything a little harder to deal with.
Right now I am going to put on pbs for my little one while I half doze on the couch and blissfully neglect my floors :)

26

What struck me about your post is you sound like you could really use some decent sleep. An active toddler and you're pregnant!? Some things I did to survive when I was in your shoes (also with no family support nearby):
-I made a point of getting out every morning and "running" my son (park, trampoline class, tricycle in the basement or garage when it rained) followed by lunch and some good books together - which set up up for a good daily nap together
-for the days you're too exhausted to "get out and about" I bought a sandbox for our deck, which he loved, and I could sit and half participate/half doze in a chair beside him (we had coats on and a sun umbrella up in the bad weather - like I said, he loved it ...throw some little dinosaurs in there and let him dig them up)
-Saturday mornings were my 'sleep in' mornings - my husband took our son to a park or grocery shopping or some other adventure - we all loved those mornings!

Hang in there - it does get better!

27

I don't have a lot of time now...family waiting on me to go run some errands.

However, you are NOT alone...I went from working full time (I started working at 17 and always had a job until staying home with my son...lets say close to 20 years of working). Last 12 or so of those years as a career woman.

It was the toughest transition of my life...the house would be perfect and clean...I would have amazing gourmet meals on the table every night...I mean how tough could it be to take care of one baby??

Oh, my dear goodness...I didn't know what hit me...how could one house and one child be so HARD!!! I managed over 120 teenagers a day when I taught school and one baby was rocking my world...then I got pregnant again...I knew that I was going to be a horrible flop.

It all worked out...I wish I had more time to tell you...but my kids are now seven and four...my baby is starting Kinder in just a few months and i want to cry every time i think about it.

sending you a huge HUG...you are not ALONE!!

28

Trust me -- one little boy can be VERY overwhelming! It DOES get better though-- I LOVED having a little baby. I LIKE having an almost 4 year old. I look ahead to the school years. I am TRYING to forget the toddler part though!

Are you really here in Des Moines? There's an AWESOME attachment parenting group here. I don't get to many of the meetings but they have an email list and most of the mom's are on Facebook too... the email list is at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/APICentralIowa/

29

We live in a society in which strength, independence, and capability are the ideal. If you can't do it all, does that make you weak? Should you be judged if you ask for help? Below, we will discuss what is truly ideal and healthy for families.

Let us acknowledge the following facts. No one is perfect. Everyone has limitations. No one can do it all.
It is a matter of healthy self-knowledge to know oneself well, what one's strengths and weaknesses are, etc.
It is natural to celebrate one's strengths.
It is a matter of healthy self-esteem to be able to acknowledge and seek assistance for one's limitations.
By working with one's strengths and working around one's limitations, the individual and his/her environment are more likely to succeed.
In the case of parenting, the societal expectation that moms "bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan" is daunting. With 24/7 responsibility between the equivalent of two full-time (or full-time-and-then-some) jobs (i.e., work outside the home and work inside the home), moms typically have no decompression or soul-searching time. Time such as this is essential for good mental health, which is in turn essential for good parenting.

Additionally, no one is good at, much less perfect at, everything. Everyone has strengths and weakness. That is what makes us human. Moms who have sufficient self-knowledge to assess accurately their strengths and weaknesses are well poised to parent to their strengths and accommodate for their weaknesses.

If a mom's strengths include a loving nature, intelligence, and a strong ethical framework, and the mom's weaknesses include impatience and a difficulty enjoying "non-productive" time, that mom is well advised to place herself in circumstances that play to her strengths and to try to minimize or overcome her weaknesses. It is easy to play to these specific strengths; it is difficult to overcome these specific weaknesses. This is where asking for help can come in. Hiring a nanny through a source such as Nannies4hire.com will help the mom juggle her many responsibilities, and thus minimize her time demands (i.e., her opportunities for impatience). The nanny can additionally provide the children with the fun of "non-productive" time that the children want and need to enjoy.

Children deserve the best we have to offer. We can give our children the best we have, both in terms of what we have ourselves and what other resources we can tap to benefit our children. Our children deserve no less. Asking for help, then, is not a weakness, it is a strength, a sign of self-awareness and self-confidence, and a testimony to the desire of a mom to give her children the best she has to offer.

http://tinyurl.com/4cyqr24

30

I do take time on a fairly regular basis to go have dinner with friends, etc. So I try to take care of myself.