Step 1- Find your local battered women's shelter or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1(800)799-SAFE.
Step 2- File a restraining order at your local courthouse. Ask the local police to serve him.
Step 3- Find a good lawyer (most will offer a 1 hr. free consultation) and immediately file for spousal and child support.
Step 4- Contact the base chaplain or outreach counselor, and explain the situation to him. The military is obligated to offer free counseling and usually will often insist on service personnel using it if going through a divorce...especially if you have a restraining order against him, as this will be noted in his service record.
Step 5- Don't be surprised if after initially being nasty and threatening if he suddenly promises to change and will do anything to get you to come back. This is a common tactic among abusers. Don't fall for it.
Step 6- Get involved in a women's support group, preferably one not affiliated with the military. No offense to them, but military wives tend to be very against one of 'their own' leaving. Kind of like a cult.
Step 7- Move on with your life. Try to get a full time job or take some classes to fill your time. Get out in the world and remember why you are such an amazing woman!
Hope this helps. Remember you are NOT alone! And this situation is not your fault. YOu are a smart, strong, beautiful woman who deserves all the best out of life, and you are going to get it!
Call and get help. Get away NOW. Stay in a shelter until they can help you on your feet.
bullet Statewide California Coalition for Batered Women Executive Director: Linda J. Berger 3711 Long Beach, Blvd., Suite 718 Long Beach, CA 90807 562-981-1202 FAX 562-981-3202 www.sccbw.org Business #: 213-655-6098
bullet High Desert Domestic Violence Program Apple Valley CA 92307 Business #: 619-242-1468 Hotline/Crisis: 619-242-9179
bullet Su Casa Family Crisis and Support Center P.O. Box 998 Artesia CA 90702 Business #: 310-402-7081 Hotline/Crisis: 310-402-4888
bullet North County Women's Resource Center P.O. Box 2155 Atascadero CA 93423 Business #: 805-461-1338 Toll Free #: (800)549-8989
bullet Placer Women's Center, Inc. P.O. Box 5462 Auburn CA 95604 Business #: 916-885-0443 Hotline/Crisis: 916-652-6558
bullet Alliance Against Family Violence P.O. Box 2054 Bakersfield CA 93303 Business #: 805-322-0931 Hotline/Crisis: 805-327-1091 Toll Free #: (800)433-7337
bullet Dessert Sanctuary,Inc. P.O. Box 1781 Barstow CA 92312 Business #: 619-252-3441 Hotline/Crisis: 619-252-3441
bullet Family Violence Law Center,Inc. P.O. Box 2529 Berkeley CA 94702 Business #: 510-540-5370 Hotline/Crisis: 510-540-5354
bullet Women's Refuge P.O. Box 3298 Berkeley CA 94703 Business #: 510-658-7231 Hotline/Crisis: 510-547-4663
bullet Beverly Hills Center for Domestic Conflict 9401 Wilshire Blvd. Suite 730 Beverly Hills CA 90212 Business #: 310-275-0960 Hotline/Crisis: 310-275-0960
bullet D.O.V.E.S. of Big Bear Valley, Inc. P.O. Box 3646 Big Bear Lake CA 92315 Business #: 909-866-1546 Hotline/Crisis: 909-866-5723
bullet Wild Iris Family Violence Shelter Services P.O. Box 57 Bishop CA 93514 Business #: 619-873-6601 Hotline/Crisis: 873-7384
bullet Harper Housee P.O. Box 725 Broderick CA 95605 Business #: 916-372-0177 Hotline/Crisis: 916-371-1907
bullet Interface Children, Family Services Camarillo CA 93010 Business #: 805-485-6114 Toll Free#: (800)339-9597
bullet Haven Hills, Inc. P.O. Box 260 Canoga Park CA 91305 Business #: 818-887-7481 Hotline/Crisis: 818-887-6589
bullet Carson Shelter/Employment Readiness Support Center Carson CA 90745 Business #: 213-549-0137 Hotline/Crisis: 213-549-6580
bullet Catalyst Women's Advocates P.O. Box 4184 Chico CA 95927 Business #: 415-255-2754 Hotline/Crisis: 415-255-0165
bullet Shalom Bayit P.O. Box 64048 San Francisco CA 94164 Business #: 415-241-8874
bullet WOMAN, Inc. San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: 415-864-4777 Hotline/Crisis: 415-864-4722
bullet Next Door, Solutions to Domestic Violence San Jose CA 95112 Business #: 408-279-7550 Hotline/Crisis: 408-279-2962
bullet San Leandro Community Counseling 296 Broadmoor Boulevard San Leandro CA 94577 Business #: 510-638-6603
bullet Women's Shelter Program, Inc. P.O. Box 125 San Luis Obispo CA 93406 Business #: 805-544-3494 Hotline/Crisis: 805-544-8989 Toll Free #: (800)549-8989
bullet Women's Resource Center P.O. Box 499 San Luis Rey CA 92068 Business #: 619-757-3500
bullet Battered Women's Services of San Mateo Cnty San Mat81 Hotline/Crisis: 619-747-6281
bullet Humboldt Women For Shelter P.O. Box 969 Eureka CA 95502 Business #: 707-444-9255 Hotline/Crisis: 707-443-6042
bullet Shelter Against Violent Environments P.O. Box 8283 Fremont CA 94537 Business #: 510-794-6056 Hotline/Crisis: 510-794-6055
bullet Haven of Peace, Inc. P.O. Box 424 French Camp CA 95231 Business #: 209-982-0396 Hotline/Crisis: 209-982-0396
bullet YWCA Marjaree Mason Transitional Living Center Fresno CA 93721 Business #: 209-237-4701 Hotline/Crisis: 209-237-4701
bullet La Isla Pacifica/South County Alternatives, Inc. P.O. Box 1326 Gilroy CA 95021 Business #: 408-842-3118 Hotline/Crisis: 408-683-4118
bullet Glendale YWCA Shelter Glendale CA 91206 Business #: 818-242-4155 Hotline/Crisis: 218-242-1106
bullet Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition P.O. Box 484 Grass Valley CA 95945 Business #: 818-272-2046 Hotline/Crisis: 818-272-2047
bullet Kings Community Action Organization Domestic Violence Program 1222 W. Lacey Blvd. Hanford CA 93230 Business #: 209-582-4386
bullet Emergency Shelter Program Hayward CA 94541 Business #: 510-581-5626 Hotline/Crisis: 510-786-1246
bullet San Benito County Victim Witness Assistance Center Hollister CA 95023 Business #: 408-637-8244
bullet Operation Care/Amador Cnty Crisis Line P.O. Box 592 Jackson CA 95642 Business #: 209-223-2897 Hotline/Crisis: 209-223-2600
bullet Morongo Basin Unity Home P.O. Box 1662 Joshua Tree CA 92252 Hotline/Crisis: 619-366-9663
bullet AWARE Lakeport CA 95453 Business #: 707-263-1239 Hotline/Crisis: 707-263-1133
bullet Valley Oasis Shelter P.O. Box 4226-4599 Hotline/Crisis: 916-257-5004
bullet Project Sanctuary, Inc. P.O. Box 995 Ukiah CA 95482 Business #: 707-462-9196 Hotline/Crisis: (800)575-HELP
bullet Sanctuary in Abused Family Emergencies (SAFE) Vallejo CA 94590 Business#: 707-648-SAFE Hotline/Crisis: 707-648-SAFE
bullet Family Violence Project 6851 Lennox Avenue Van Nuys CA 91405 Business #: 310-491-5362 Hotline/Crisis: 310-437-4663
bullet Battered Service Action Center Los Angeles CA 90012 Business #: 213-268-7568 Toll Free #: (800)548-2722
bullet Center for the Pacific-Asian Family, Inc. Los Angeles CA 90036
bullet Free Spirit/Chicana Service Los Angeles CA 90012 Business #: 213-253-5959 Hotline/Crisis: 213-937-1312
bullet Good Shepard Shelter P.O. Box 19487 Los Angeles CA Business #: 213-737-6111
bullet Jenesse Center, Inc. P.O. Box 73837 Los Angeles CA 90003 Business #: 213-751-1145 Hotline/Crisis: 213-751-1145 Toll Free#: (800)479-7328
bullet Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women Los Angeles CA 90028 Business #: 213-462-1281 Hotline/Crisis: 213-626-3393 Toll Free #: (310)392-8381
bullet A Woman's Place P.O. Box 822 Merced CA 95341 Business #: 209-725-7900 Hotline/Crisis: 209-722-HELP
bullet Haven Women's Center of Stanislaus Modesto CA 95354 Business #: 209-576-0659 Hotline/Crisis: 209-577-5980 Toll Free #: (800)834-1990
bullet Domestic Violence Shelter for Women/Children Monterey CA 93940 Business #: 408-649-0834 Hotline/Crisis: 408-372-6300
bullet Support Network For Battered Women Mountain View CA 94041 Business #: 415-940-7850 Hotline/Crisis: 415-940-7855
bullet Napa Emergency Women's Services P.O. Box 427 Napa CA 94559 Business #: 707-252-3687 Hotline/Crisis: 707-255-6397
bullet Association to Aid Victims of Domestic Violence P.O. Box 220037 Newhall CA 91322 Business #: 805-259-8175 Hotline/Crisis: 805-259-HELP
bullet Santa Clarita Valley Battered Association P.O. Box 186 Newhall CA 91322 Business #: 805-253-2332 Hotline/Crisis: 805-259-259-4357
bullet Domestic Abuse Center Northbridge CA 91403 Business #: 818-772-0176 Hotline/Crisis: 818-705-5030
bullet Domestic Violence Program P.O. Box 1658 Oakhurst CA 93644 Business #: 209-683-3533
bullet A Safe Place P.O. Box 1075 Oakland CA 94604 Business #: 510-444-7255 Hotline/Crisis: 510-536-7233
bullet Women's Resource Center Oceanside CA Business #: 619-757-3500 Hotline/Crisis: 619-757-3500
bullet Women's Transitional Living Center P.O. Box 6103 Orange CA 92651 Business #: 714-992-1939 Hotline/Crisis: 714-992-1931
bullet Shelter From the Storm P.O. Box 781 Palm Desert CA 92260 Business #: 619-341-9785 Hotline/Crisis: 619-328-SAFE Toll Free #: (800)775-6055
bullet Haven House, Inc. P.O. Box 50007 Pasadena CA 91115 Business #: 818-564-8880 Hotline/Crisis: 213-681-2626
bullet El Dorado Women's Center Placeville CA 95667 Business #: 916-626-1450 Hotline/Crisis: 916-626-1131
bullet Porterville Mission Project P.O. Box 2033 Porterville CA 93258 Business #: 209-784-0192 Hotline/Crisis: 209-784-0192
bullet Shasta County Women's Refuge P.O. Box 994211 Redding CA 96099 Business #: 916-244-0117 Hotline/Crisis: 916-244-0117
bullet Emergency Battered Women's Shelter Redondo Beach CA 90277 Business #: 310-372-4674 Hotline/Crisis: 310-379-3620
bullet Second Step Shelter Redondo Beach CA 90277 Business #: 310-370-4712 Hotline/Crisis: 310-370-5902
bullet Women's Center High Desert, Inc. Ridgecrest CA 93555 Business #: 619-446-7491 Hotline/Crisis: 375-7525
bullet Alternatives to Domestic Violence P.O. Box 910 Riverside CA 92502 Business #: 909-352-9262 Hotline/Crisis: 909-683-0829 Toll Free #: (800)339-SAFE
bullet WEAVE, Inc. P.O. Box 161356 Sacramento CA 95816 Business #: 916-448-2321 Hotline/Crisis: 916-920-2952
bullet Salinas Women's Crisis Center P.O. Box 1805 Salinas CA 93902 Business #: 408-757-1002 Hotline/Crisis: 408-757-1001
bullet Shelter Plus P.O. Box 3584 Salinas CA 93912 Business #: 408-442-3024 Hotline/Crisis: 408-422-2201 Toll Free #: (800)339-8228
bullet Calavera Women's Crisis Line Box 623 San Andreas CA 95249 Business #: 209-754-1300 Hotline/Crisis: 209-736-4011
bullet Human Resources Council P.O. Box 684 San Andreas CA 95249 Business #: 209-754-3114
bullet Option House, Inc. P.O. Box 970 San Bernadino CA 92402 Business #: 909-381-3471 Hotline/Crisis: 909-381-3471
bullet Center for Women's Studies and Services 2467 E Street San Diego CA 92102 Business #: 619-267-8023 Hotline/Crisis: 619-233-3088
bullet YWCA Battered Women's Services P.O. Box 126398 San Diego CA 92112 Business #: 619-239-2342 Hotline/Crisis: 619-234-3164
bullet Asian Women's Shelter San Francisco CA 94110 Business #: 415-751-7110 Hotline/Crisis: 415-751-0880
bullet Family Violence Prevention Fund San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: 415-252-8900
bullet La Casa de Las Madres San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: 415-777-1808 Hotline/Crisis: 415-33-1515
bullet Rosalie House San Francisco CA 94121 Business #: 415-255-2754 Hotline/Crisis: 415-255-0165
bullet Shalom Bayit P.O. Box 64048 San Francisco CA 94164 Business #: 415-241-8874
bullet WOMAN, Inc. San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: 415-864-4777 Hotline/Crisis: 415-864-4722
bullet Next Door, Solutions to Domestic Violence 1181 North 4th Street, Suite A San Jose CA 95112 Business #: 408-279-7550 Hotline/Crisis: 408-279-2962
bullet San Leandro Community Counseling San Leandro CA 94577 Business #: 510-638-6603
bullet Women's Shelter Program, Inc. P.O. Box 125 San Luis Obispo CA 93406 Business #: 805-544-3494 Hotline/Crisis: 805-544-8989 Toll Free #: (800)549-8989
bullet Women's Resource Center P.O. Box 499 San Luis Rey CA 92068 Business #: 619-757-3500
bullet Battered Women's Services of San Mateo Cnty San Mateo CA 94403 Business #: 415-312-8471 Hotline/Crisis: 415-312-8515
bullet Sor Juana Ines'Services for Abused Women P.O. Box 789 San Mateo CA 94401 Business #: 415-342-6609 Hotline/Crisis: (800)300-1080
bullet Rainbow Services P.O. Box 1925 San Pedro CA 90733 Business #: 213-548-5450 Hotline/Crisis: 213-547-9394
bullet Marin Abused Women's Services San Rafael CA 94801 Business #: 415-457-2464 Hotline/Crisis: 415-924-6616
bullet Shelter Services for Women, Inc. P.O. Box 1536 Santa Barbara CA 93102 Business #: 805-963-4458 Hotline/Crisis: 805-964-5245
bullet Women's Crisis Support Santa Cruz CA 95060 Business #: 408-425-5525 Hotline/Crisis: 408-429-1478
bullet Shelter Services for Women: Santa Maria P.O. Box 314 Santa Maria CA 93456 Business #: 805-963-4458 Hotline/Crisis: 805-964-5245
bullet Sojourn Services P.O. Box 5597 Santa Monica CA 90409 Business #: 310-399-9232 Hotline/Crisis: 310-392-9896
bullet YWCA Women's Emergency Shelter Program P.O. Box 7164 Santa Rosa CA 95407 Business #: 707-546-7115 Hotline/Crisis: 707-546-1234
bullet Interval House Crisis Shelters P.O. Box 3356 Seal Beach CA 90740 Business #: 310-594-9492 Hotline/Crisis: 310-594-4555 Toll Free #: (714)891-8121
bullet Mother Lode Women's Center P.O. Box 663 Sonora CA 95370 Business #: 209-532-4746 Hotline/Crisis: 209-532-4707
bullet Human Options, Inc. P.O. Box 9445 South Laguna CA 92677 Business#: 714-497-7017 Hotline/Crisis: 714-494-5367
bullet So. Lake Tahoe Women's Center South Lake Tahoe CA 96150 Business #: 916-544-2118 Hotline/Crisis: 916-544-4444
bullet Women's Center of San Joaquin Stockton CA 95204 Business #: 209-941-2611 Hotline/Crisis: 209-465-4878
bullet Solano County Economic Opportunity Council Domestic Violence Program Suisun CA 94585 Business #: 707-427-5950 Hotline/Crisis: 707-429-HELP
bullet Lassen Family Services, Inc. P.O. Box 701 Susanville CA 96130 Business #: 916-257-4599 Hotline/Crisis: 916-257-5004
bullet Project Sanctuary, Inc. P.O. Box 995 Ukiah CA 95482 Business #: 707-462-9196 Hotline/Crisis: (800)575-HELP
bullet Sanctuary in Abused Family Emergencies (SAFE) Vallejo CA 94590 Business#: 707-648-SAFE Hotline/Crisis: 707-648-SAFE
bullet Family Violence Project Van Nuys CA 91405 Business#: 818-908-5007 Hotline/Crisis: 818-908-5007
bullet Ventura County Coalition Against Household Violence Ventura CA 93003 Business #: 805-656-3443 Hotline/Crisis: 805-656-1111
bullet Family Services of Tulare County P.O. Box 510 Visalia CA 93279 Business #: 209-732-2514 Hotline/Crisis: 209-732-5941
bullet The Emergency Shelter Project P.O. Box 510 Visalia Ca 93279 Business#: 209-732-2514 Hotline/Crisis: 209-732-5941
bullet Blanca Tavera Defensa de Mujeres Watsonville CA 95076 Business #: 408-722-4532 Hotline/Crisis: 408-722-4532
bullet Human Response Network-Family Crisis Line P.O. Box 2370 Weaverville CA 96093 Business #: 916-623-2024 Hotline/Crisis: 916-623-HELP
bullet San Gabriel Valley YWCA P.O. Box 1464 West Covina CA 91793 Business #: 818-915-5191 Hotline/Crisis: 818-967-0658
bullet Women's and Children's Crisis Shelter, Inc. P.O. Box 404 Whittier CA 90608 Business #: 213-945-3937 Hotline/Crisis: 213-945-3939
bullet Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence Center Woodland CA 95616 Business #: 916-661-6337 Hotline/Crisis: 916-662-1133
bullet Siskiyou Somestic Violence Program P.O. Box 1679 Yreka CA 96097 Business #: 916-842-6629 Hotline/Crisis: 916-842-4068
bullet Casa de Esperanza P.O. Box 56 Yuba City CA 95992 Business #: 916-674-5400 Hotline/Crisis: 916-674-2040
I am so sorry for you and the situation you are in. My husband was in the Navy for 21 years, and we, too, traveled all over.
I know that you feel lost and alone, and there doesn't seem to be anyone in the Military to help you. However, go to the Chaplain, we found the Catholic chaplains to be the most helpful. Other chaplains can also help. Go to a chaplain. You may be able to get help from the Naval Legal office.
Unfortunately, the Chaplain is your best hope. They will stand by your husband. There may be an opportunity to see you husband's commanding officer, but that is chancy. The Naval Relief Society may be of some help, as well.
I am very sorry to have read your post. I feel for you! First, please know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, people change. I would suggest finding a lawyer or a paralegal who will consult with you for free or for a nominal fee. Then they can tell you what your options are. Being married for 14 years and him making most of the money, I'd say you'll be entitled to some alamony and health coverage. If you have any kids, he'll have to pay for child support since he makes more. I'd also suggest that if you are sure you are going to leave, get a checking account and a credit card or two in your name only and tuck away some money. Tell someone, a friend, a relative of the situation...that you are unhappy, you plan to seek legal counsel on what your rights are and you are going to leave him. If you need to borrow money to 'get out' because it's unsafe or it's just time to leave, just ask someone. Don't feel you have to stay because you have no help. There's always help!!
Again, I'm very sorry you are going through this. It will get better. You seem to already know that you need to leave. Do not think for a second that you can change him back....you can't sweetie, not matter how hard you try, so don't waste your time. See this as an opportunity to get your education and get back on the right track for you. Look back at the last 14 years as an adventure that has run its course. Better times are in store for you.
Take good care!!! Elaina
My heart breaks for you. One thing I try to teach my daughters is that nobody can make you feel something about yourself you give them the power. I hope you have family somewhere you can go to start over. You teach people how to treat you and if that is how he chooses to treat you teach him that it is not acceptable and you know you deserve better and if he is not going to give you what you deserve then you will move on. You seem like a strong woman that can take care of herself no one deserves to live like that. I hope there is no children in this situation and that you can move on and start a good life on your own. Best of luck to you.
Save some money aside. Stop fighting. Pretend to be submissive. Get as much as you can for as long as you can put aside. Go get a better job. He dominated you and took what you had. If there are no kids involved, there is NO reason to stay and be treated like this for the rest of your life. Pretend pretend pretend until he feels he has control and lightens up. Get enough money to live on for 3-4 months or so, get a better full time job or set one up for just before you leave, and then GET OUT. If he's not going to fight you and is agreeable to the divorce, use Divorce Wizards. They will do it for $300. They are fantastic, as long as there's no fight. He will owe you 50% of what he makes. The courts will award you that. Don't depend on it, but he will get in trouble if he doesn't pay. But you will get your income back up to what it was before you got with this sorry soul and get your life back on your own.
one thing about being in CA, it is a 50/50 state. He has to pay child support and spousal support! (don't get a male room mate!) Get copies of accounts...retirement, saving 401k ANY!! type of account, any paperwork on property or anything you own worth value! from collections of guns or navel history etc, when you leave, possession is 9/10 of the law.. so be sure to take anything of personal family value...chances are he will be mad enough to destroy any photos or anything that meant something to you.Take photos of EVERY THING! then Get OUT NOW...don't wait. It does not get better..only worse! your kids and you need to know you are worth something more than just a piece of dirt one can walk over and kick aside. You are NOT TRASH!! Treat yourself right and teach your kids RIGHT!! (went through a divorce 6 years ago..had a 7ygirl,4yboy,6mboy...get OUT!!) I am assuming you live on base? It will be hard to get help depending on how well he is liked. We humans have a demented since of morals on telling one bad apple from another when we "like" them. Especially when they have seniority. Get copies or print out on the mortgage co. You will be liable for half of the credit debt as well...so be sure to FILE for divorce/legal separation as SOON as you leave, so they can have records as to what was purchased or spent when.i.e. savings went down 5k, the day after you left...or a major purchase was the next day on credit card...it will give the court a "date of separation" so he can not come back and say you were there until....xyz. There are a lot of lawyers that can help you for little to no money, being in the service at his rank, might even call around..may take it from him in the end! Hold your head up, this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do...but after a week or two it will be so clearly simple! So sorry it has come to this. You are definitely not alone!!! Be careful of who you tell you are leaving...word could get back to him QUICKLY...depending on his temperament..may be best to "sneak" out. (load car in garage if you can, watch for nosy neighbours etc) Get in the car and don't look back! It will be the first day of the rest of your life, and a better life than it has been lately!
Oh it is not you that has "gone" in his eyes, it is he who has "risen above the puny earth lings" that has changed!(we don't want to be where he is!) You ARE WORTH IT!! (so are your kid/s)
Your email was painful for me to read. I could truly sense your feeling of desparation and despair. I do not have any first-hand experience with the military and have no clue how to go about making suggestions to you about this. I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel...it might be far away, or could be closeby. Please do not give up and above all, know you are the same, beautiful, strong, intelligent woman who married this man. He seems to be having an identity crisis of some kind and you are the ones to pay unfortunately. Keep researching your options until you have the opportunity to leave and lead the kind of life you and your children deserve. Someone out there has the power to help and has the answers for you. You just have to find them! It sounds like you have used your options of counseling, talking to him and trying your darndest! Dont' feel bad...sometimes it is not worth it when all avenues are exhausted and there is abuse of this kind.
My heart goes out to you. I have been stuck too for many years. I had five kids to worry about so I stayed. I wish I would of left. The damage it has done to me has been huge. I've had so much therapy. Plan an escape. Get a good lawyer, he will have to pay you allimony. Serve him papers and he will have to be the one that leaves. Get out of there as fast as you can. Everyday you stay, he is damaging you just that much more.
Tina, First of all I want to tell you that I know where you are coming from and you are not all the things that he says about you. He is a control freak. I was married to one myself and just had my divorce finalized on Friday. Please get away from him. The damage that he is doing to you, you kids see and therefore affects tham as well. Call your family and ask for help. If he truly didn't want to be with you like he claims he would have kicked you out or left you. This is all about him being in control. He knows that the more he puts you down and threatens your well being and you allow him to do this, he gains more control over you. DO NOT STAY WITH HIM!!! Please find a way to leave and get yourself to a happy safe place. Almost every court has a self help center where you can get free legal advice and help filing out the proper forms. If you ever need a kind ear, please send me a message anytime. Please do get out for the well being of yourself and your kid(s).
One thing I want to make sure you know. You are entitled to 50% of his retirement pay. However, if you divorce, you should make sure the court orders him to sign up for SBP (Survivor Benefit Plan) when he retires. It will cost him a small part of his retirement pay, but it will provide you with part of his retirement pay if he dies before you. Otherwise your part of his retirement pay will cease with his death. I am the wife of a retired military officer who was also enlisted. I recommend the chaplain, legal office, and Military One Source. Also, if you are in San Diego county, The San Diego County Bar Association Lawyer's Referral Service will refer you to a qualified attorney who will give you a one hour free consultation, either in person or over the phone. If you are afraid he will be physically abusive, you should get out and contact his commanding officer.
Hi Tina
I am not a military wife, but I have a sister~n~law who is and her husband is the same way sometimes. Not quite sure how they make it work. I have been married long enough to know that his behaviour is unacceptable!!!!!! You must have more confidence in yourself that you are strong, capable and worth fighting for~~~I know this is easier said that done, but I'd call his bluff~~~contact family, move out and if he doesn't see the light, then as hard as it may be, you've made the right choice. I am aware that this decision is a tuff one, but you deserve way better~~~Life is too short!!!! Good luck to you!!!
My heart goes out to you. I went through a similar situation with my ex. The difference was that he was a Cpl in the Marine Corp, I had two little kids at the time which 1 was his, and I stayed with him longer than I should have and it did get to the point where he was not only verbally abusive to us but he started to throw things at us, or kick the back of my kids' chairs while they were sitting in them. Then one night we were on our way home from somewhere and he pulled over and left me and my kids on the side of the road. We survived and you will too. You deserve a better life than this. You need to get out before it gets any worse. Stay strong and remember you are beautiful. I'm sure at one point you had a wonderful life together and it sounds like you have tried to get that back, but it takes two and unfortunately the two of you are not in this together. Know that you do have options. I am not sure where you are now, but if you are in San Diego I can recommend the lady at legal I went to. She was extremely supportive and there to help me and not just the one in the military which many do. Also, I strongly recommend you get the support from the Chaplain. You can see the Chaplain on your own. You are entitled to some of his benefits, and spousal support since you have been married for over 10 yrs. I hope you have family to help you, but if you need someone to talk to contact me, and all of us on Mamasource are here. Also, if you need names where I went in San Diego let me know. Please keep us posted on how you are, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care, Jill
Hi Tina, sorry to hear you are going through this. First of all he can't kick you out, with out being repermended by his superiors, and as an officer has
a lot to loose. you need to go to Family services on the base, and tell them your situation, don't hold back, and find out what your rights are. Now heres the hard part, this may or may not get him in a little hot water, so be prepared, because if it does, he's going to be angry with you. Do you have children? I'm a Military wife, well my husband is retired now, while we were in Japan a friend of mine wanted to leave her marriage, and she started by going to family services on the base. What part of calif. are you in, I'm here in San Diego if you need a friend. Julie L.
I am not in the military so I couldnt relate to your situation so I ran it by my friend whose husband is a navy man who also lives on port hueneme.. here is what she said, "Tell her to divorce him before they move because California is very good to women in divorces especially if children are involved. If he gets mean call the MPs and they will make him stay in a "cool off" room until the situation is better."
Good Luck and keep your chin up.
Wow thank you for all the information. He is not physiclly abusive at this time. Its more like I am here all alone. He doesnt speak to me unless he talks about himself(which is all the time). He thinks he is a GOD now that he is an officer. Tells me how he has to teach his boss his job and how he is in charge all the time in his office. (hes just an ensen) He was a Senior chief then switched over to a commisioned officer almost 2 years ago. He goes on and on about how people should solute him properly etc. He talks down to me all the time like I am a dumb hick. If I make a comment about a topic of discussion I am immediatly told I am wrong. And if by chance I can prove Im right its only because he missunderstood the question. Hes never wrong. Ever. Even when he is, theres a reason and he was still right. Its exhausting. In front of his co workers if I open my mouth to join a conversation he immediately corrects me and talks over me.Its demeening. So I give up.
He doesnt care and is uninterested in my day, opinion, or feelings on anything. If I say anything to him that is the opposite of his view he tells me how I am wrong. If I stand up to him about the way he treats me he calls me names laughs at me, or screams at me and calls me crazy like my mother. A way to hurt me as my mom died of alheimers disease when I was 19. I watched her deteriate from the age of thirteen to 19. And at 13 you just dont understand whats going on. It was extremely damaging to me emotionally as a child. He knows it so he will say that to me to hurt me. I wish she was alive now so I could be comforted by her. I miss her so much especially in times like this.
He leaves for work at 5 am (says hes has to work) and when hes home at 6 pm (his work hours are 8 to 4) hes on the computer till he goes to bed. If I complain its a HUGE fight. He says “I am going to do what I want so deal with it”
I am 42 years old and not the woman I was when we married 14 years ago. Because of the depression I have went from a size 4 to a size 10 over the last 2 years. He tells me and others that since im fat he will still love me but wont take me anywhere and he doesnt. He didnt take me to the military ball for that very reason. I feel so bad about myself now and unlovable. Its terrible.
I am afraid to talk to anyone because I dont want to sound like one of the wives who complains and I am afraid that the wives will tell thier husbands and it will get back to him. The officer wives are indiffernet to me. They look at me as if they know something about me. I dont know what he tells the guys he works with or what they know. This is the first real time Ive actually talked to someone and asked for advice. Its all embarressing. I just dont know what my options are.
I dont have any money except for what little I get from working part time. Its all I could find and believe me I have looked and am still looking. I have been working for about 2 weeks now and what little I make he makes me spend. I think its to make sure I dont have any. I dont know.
I need to find out how much alimoney I can get and if I can get help moving. With what I make now I dont see how I can afford to rent a place here in CA. He has destroyed our credit as well. And I believe he puts money somewhere. A few years ago I found out he was sending our bank account statements to a friend’s address. And while over seas he cleaned out our savings of 6k and had nothign to show for it when he got home. I am sure it was spent on women in the phillapeans and drinking. but I dont know.
After all these years I cant believe I will be forced to live on crumbs to survive. I worked hard in the 14 years of marriage. I paid for our wedding, several vacations, and my own wedding rings. Among other things. I used to make more money then him and now I have nothing. I wish I had made better choices but who thinks this will happen? This is all so stressful to think about. I am scared to death as to what to do. Or how to do it. I only know one thing for sure. I cant live like this anymore. He doesnt love me. I know that now no matter how painfiul it is to except. And I cant continue to live like this.
But at 42 I feel like the best years of my life and chance for one are over…